CLOTHESHORSE
I’m the kinda cowboy who gives Wranglers a bad name. It’s not that I don’t try on each pair before I buy them. You have to. You know the old saying about bulls: “There’s more variation within the same breed than there is between breeds.” Same for jeans: “There’s more variation within the same size than there is between sizes.”
Maybe I’m just odd-shaped—hard to fit. They do make one style of Wranglers that have legs that fit tight around a shovel handle, which I appreciate. My calves are so puny, I have to tamp dirt in my boot tops to hold ’em on.
But no matter how skinny they make the pant legs, the seat still bags. When I finally do get ’em on, I give the appearance of a swing set somebody tried to gift wrap.
I’ve gotten picky about shirts. I want buttons, except on the collar, with flaps on the pocket. I kinda back myself into a corner with such outrageous preferences. I can walk into a western store with a shirt inventory large enough for the Chinese army, and the only shirts with my requirements are size 181⁄2-by-32, or they are the spittin’ image of a Denny’s restaurant uniform.
Of course, style and good taste are not my primary considerations. It’s been said that my fashion statement is sort of a cross between Porter Wagoner and Dennis Rodman. I just don’t like stuff to fall outta my pocket.
I do manage to wear good boots, which I save for good, but I buy bargains for my work boots. I got a great deal on some steel-toed Red Wings, size 9, on sale for fifty-five dollars. They’re tough; I been wearin’ ’em for two years. I’m tough, too. I normally wear a size 10.
A good straw hat lasts a year. They’ve been goin’ up five dollars a year, every year. I can remember when they were nineteen dollars. Now they’re seventy-five. I’m pretty hard on my hats; they get kinda beat up. My first criteria for a new hat is whether it will come down over my ears and fit tight. Wouldn’t want it to blow off during an argument.
I feel like I’m turnin’ into a shadow of Ace Reid’s cartoon character Jake. Kind of bent-over, narrow at the shoulders. Wide at the hip and big at the hat.
I did some work for Wrangler a while back. They asked if they could pay me in product. I said, “Sure.” They sent me a box of Sears, Roebuck jeans.