Winter can be tough on ranchers and farmers. They get up early anyway and have a lot of time to kill before the sun comes up. So, they get on the phone and bother people: feed salesmen, ag loan officers, county agents, neighbors, and, of course, their vet.

RANCHERS AND BUZZARDS

In the wintertime, ranchers and buzzards get up before daylight, put on the coffee, and wait for somethin’ to go wrong. One of the highlights of bein’ a cow country veterinarian is the predawn phone calls.

“DOC?”

my body is on autopilot. all nonessential functions are shut down. my brain feels like a heat-and-serve bag of frozen vegetables. the phone is cold on my ear.

“DOC, IS THAT YOU?”

witty retorts race through my mind: no, you have reached a nuclear submarine off the coast of Denmark.

“DOC, I BEEN THINKIN’ . . .”

quick, call ripley’s!

“REMEMBER THAT COW . . .”

certainly. i’m intimately acquainted with every one of my 40,000 bovine patients and can recall each one, even in this dense mental fog where my memory is now resting with a dead battery.

“THE ONE I TOLD YOU ABOUT AFTER THE STOCKMAN’S BARBECUE?”

also after 10 p.m., 11 whiskey sours, and a 30-minute cocktail conversation with mrs. holmes about her poodle’s habit of scooting across the living room rug.

“SHE’S NOT ACTING RIGHT.”

what? she voted republican? she didn’t clean up her room? she’s roosting in the trees with the guineas?

“I’VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT HER SINCE YOU HAD TO TAKE HER CALF LAST SPRING. . . .”

right. too bad you didn’t worry more the three days before you called me out to work on her.

“SHE’S FAT, BUT I NOTICED SHE’S SLOW TO TRAVEL. I KIN BARELY KICK ’ER OUT OF A WALK.”

maybe she’s hard of hearing, or just senile. you’ve never culled a cow under the legal drinkin’ age.

“I WAS READING ’BOUT THIS SUPPLEMENT THEY FEED TO RACING GREYHOUNDS. SORTA HEATS UP.”

course, you could dip her tail in kerosene and light it. no rabbit within 20 miles would be safe.

“WONDER IF THAT WOULD WORK ON COWS?”

if it does, i might try some myself, long about the first of fall.

“PROB’LY NOT. BUT JUST THOUGHT I’D RUN IT BY YOU. WELP, IT’S SUNUP, DOC. ’PRECIATE THE VISIT. SEE YA.”

Rancher to his wife at breakfast: “I talked to Doc ’bout ol’ number twelve this mornin’. We agreed there’s nothing to worry about.”

Vet to his wife at breakfast: “I had the craziest dream this morning. But danged if I can remember it!”