The cattle business is one of the riskiest businesses one can be in. Worse than professional gambling or having a peach orchard. Many of the examples could be extrapolated to fit “Twenty-five Things Akin to Robbing a Bank with a Putty Knife” or “Twenty-five Things Better Than Smallpox.”

TWENTY-FIVE THINGS LIKE BEING IN THE CATTLE BUSINESS

Knowing the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat

Being handcuffed and forced to watch someone butcher hogs on your living room carpet

Parking your new pickup at the end of your driveway, knowing it will be stolen by morning

Playing poker with Donald Trump, Al Capone, and Bruce Babbitt

Being the public relations manager for Ted Turner, Ted Kaczynski, or Ted Kennedy

Being Bill Clinton

Watching a train go into a tunnel that you know is blocked at the other end

Going to Del Rio for Cinco De Mayo and taking your cross-country skis

Going to Las Vegas with a twenty-dollar bill and no return ticket

Two-man bungee jumping with your banker, while the cattle buyer holds the other end of the line

Getting teargassed and enjoying it

Losing the $6 million lottery by one number

Buying stock in Chernobyl the day before the fire

Discovering you’re related to Saddam Hussein

Walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon

Seeing your face on a dartboard at the regional IRS office

Finding out that the FBI and Earth First! have you under surveillance

Receiving news that your rich old bachelor uncle died and left his entire estate to the Newfoundland Dog Foundation

Discovering that the only way your assets and liabilities could balance is if you married Bill Gates

Going to a barber and saying, “Be creative!”

Playing pool on the kitchen table

Losing your brakes at the top of Wolf Creek Pass

Getting your prostate checked six days a week

Having a drought break with a seven-inch downpour that washes away your home

Being bitten by your own dog