I admit I’m skeptical of economics being called a science. I’ve always sort of thought a Ph.D. in economics was the equivalent of an astrologer getting her name in the Yellow Pages. I have many friends engaged in the profession . . . but then I have friends in prison, too. All I can do is be there for them when they are paroled.

ECONOMIST NIGHTMARE

I have always been mystified by the study of economics. I have friends who in every other respect seem to be intelligent, practical, plainspoken, credible people, not prone to astrology, soothsaying, or betting the horses. Yet, they practice the art of economics, yes, even calling themselves economists.

If auctioneers go by the title Colonel, lawyers by Esquire, and bawdyhouse managers by Madam, what is the proper title for admitted economists? Oracles? Surmisers? Enigmatists? Fudgers? What do they call the economist who graduates last in his class? Wrong!

I’ve had a recurring nightmare wherein I graduated with a degree in ag economics. Norwest Bank and Wells Fargo had no vice presidential slots open and Farm Credit had filled all its loan officer spots with retired county agents. In my dream, I am forced to hang out my shingle and advertise my services:

BAXTER BLACK . . . ECONOMIST . . . ANALYSIS & CONJECTURES By the book, by the number, or by the hour

Each week in this dream, I write a column called Bluffing with Bax: Theoretical Vacillations on the Market. The following is a sample:

The sheep market is down again for the 357th consecutive week, due in part to the restrictions on imports of Colombian wool, which lacks the proper density to resist cigarette burns, and the dreaded Panamanian ked.

To maintain your position in this downward market, sheepmen are encouraged to look forward to better times, should they ever come, by making friends with the Peruvians who seem to have a ready supply of herders, yet no experienced ovine therapists. Which is in itself a contradiction.

The relationship between the falling price of corn, cattle, oil, timber, and copper and the rising price of cornflakes, steak, gasoline, houses, and police salaries continues to defy Newton’s Third Law of Economics, which says, “Gravity has no effect on consumer markets except when it does.” It is an immutable, indelible constant that I adhere to most of the time.

As for the future of the hog market, there is no doubt that it will remain in disequilibrium as long as consumer demand, import regulations, corporate lobbying, and producer sacrifice remain stable.

And so it goes in Bluffing with Bax. That’s it for this week, and you can take that to the bank!