I believe people have a right to make well-informed bad decisions. Subsequently they should have the character and self-respect to live or die by them. It is called taking responsibility. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the cowboy way.

TOBACCO SUITS

The Marlboro Man has his hands in the air. Several state governments are holding him at gunpoint demanding . . . what? Money, of course. What does government always want.

As this robbery is taking place, we seem to be watching a movie in which the audience knows where the microfilm is hidden but the actors have had their brains removed. Is tobacco addictive? Have smokers known this since Pocahontas lit up John Smith? Is this a secret?

We as a nation have taken care of our cancer-plagued, coronary-prone, emphysematous victims of this vice. Just as we take care of those who succumbed to the lure of other temptations and suffered their consequences—marijuana, heroin, AIDS, whiskey, greed, cocaine, and disingenuous gurus.

So why sue just the tobacco companies? We are not suing Ernest & Julio Gallo or the brokers who promote speculation on soybean contracts or the TV preachers who ask for your last farthing as a love offering. They damage at least as many lives. But the suit is not about justice or retribution. It is about money. The root of all evil.

The plaintiffs doing the suing have managed to circumvent the tobacco company’s strongest defense strategy, i.e., the warning printed on the package right in front of their eyes that says, Don’t smoke, stupid. The victim’s justification is “I couldn’t help myself. The devil made me do it. It’s not my fault. Pay me.”

So they spar around until government and the lawyers all agree on their share of the loot. Then it will be settled.

But we can take comfort in knowing that as soon as the Marlboro Man has had his pockets picked, Joe Camel is mugged, and Virginia Slim is assaulted, the lawyers will be looking for other prey.

As a matter of fact, recently a suit was filed against the dairy industry by a lawyer for a client claiming he was addicted to ice cream. They were particularly adamant about demanding warning labels.

WARNING: Consumption of almond mocha fudge satin ripple ice cream by people who have the self-discipline of a pack of wild dogs can lead to premature love handles.

If he wins his suit and warning labels are put on ice cream, the dairy industry will have to beef up its promotion to overcome it. Course, their timing is good. I know at least three advertising symbols that may be available soon. The Marlboro Man might look good with a milk moustache.