The next day, Zack got all the way through his morning ablutions before he remembered he had nowhere to go. On top of that, he had a roaring hangover, the likes of which he hadn’t experienced since the Great Tequila Fiasco, aka his nineteenth birthday. He should have known better than to break his golden rule: whiskey was a sipping liquor, not a shot.
He stumbled out of his room and into the kitchen. He fried up an absurd number of eggs and ate them ravenously while Ziggy watched.
“Don’t judge me,” Zack mumbled around a mouthful.
Ziggy turned and trotted down the hallway.
When Zack had finished eating, he did the dishes, dried them, and cleaned the stove. For good measure, he wiped down the countertops as well and took out the trash. It wasn’t until he pulled out the mop that he’d used a grand total of three times in the last year that he admitted to himself he was stalling.
He needed to start looking for a job, and he had no idea where to begin.
Miraculously, there came a knock at the door.
“Halle-fucking-lujah,” Zack muttered as he answered it.
Mrs. Alvarez was on the other side. Zack instantly brightened. “Morning! How are you?”
“I’m all right, Zack. Thank you for asking.” She was wearing a loose red dress, and her shiny black hair was twisted up into a loop. Her lips were pressed into a thin line instead of her usual smile, and her eyes were weary in a way Zack had never seen before. “I’m afraid I have bad news.”
Zack’s entire body tensed. A memory thundered through him: Mr. Alvarez saying he was going to the hospital for tests. “Oh my God, is it Mr. Alvarez? Is he okay?”
“James is fine,” she responded. “He had a mild cardiac episode last night, but seeing as he was already in a hospital, it was handled as well as could be expected. I just wanted to come by and let you know in case you wanted to visit him.”
“I’ll go right now.” Zack started to turn away in a panic, but then he caught himself. “Do you need anything? Can I get you groceries or help with chores?”
Mrs. Alvarez smiled, and a hint of her usual vibrant self shone through like the sun peeking out from behind clouds. “I can manage just fine, though I’m going to give you a bag of things to bring to my husband when you visit him, if that’s all right.”
“Of course,” Zack said. “Anything you need. Where is he?”
“He’s at Silver Lake.”
Zack mentally cheered. That was one of the closer hospitals. He could be there in fifteen minutes if traffic was reasonable. “Bring me his things, and I’ll leave right away.”
Mrs. Alvarez nodded and disappeared upstairs. Zack paced in his living room until she reappeared with a cloth tote bag full of clothing, toiletries, and magazines. “He brought things with him when he went in for testing, but that was over a week ago. I’m sure he’ll appreciate some fresh supplies.”
Zack accepted the bag. “Okay, I’ll get these to him safely.” He started to hurry away, but Mrs. Alvarez caught his arm. She reached up and touched his cheek. Her hands were warm and pleasantly rough.
“He will also appreciate seeing you, Zack,” she said, smiling. “You’re a sweet boy. You’ve done my husband a lot of good these past few years. I don’t know if he would have made it this long if you hadn’t given him something to look forward to. Thank you.”
Zack swallowed thickly and willed himself not to tear up. He struggled to find something to say, but nothing was forthcoming. Mrs. Alvarez seemed to understand, because she patted his cheek and walked out the front door. She called over her shoulder, “Have a safe trip.”
“I will.”
Zack grabbed his keys and scurried out the door. The drive to the hospital was uneventful, but he couldn’t relax. He had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to until he saw Mr. Alvarez with his own eyes.
Twenty minutes later, he pulled into the parking lot of a medium-size hospital. He got out of the car and paused just long enough to snap a picture of Marilyn on his phone before he hurried into the main building. The hospital smelled like hand sanitizer and too many bodies. Orderlies bustled around without so much as glancing at him. The walls were hung with bland art prints, and the floor was scuffed from thousands of shoes.
Zack approached a harried nurse standing at a station and asked for Mr. Alvarez.
She handed him a sign-in sheet. “Are you family?”
“No, I’m a friend,” he said. “Is that okay?” He cursed himself for not thinking to lie. He should have said he was a son. But then again, if the nurse knew Mr. Alvarez well, she might question how he ended up with a white son.
Zack was rehearsing an explanation in his head about how Mr. and Mrs. Alvarez adopted him when the nurse said, “He’s in room 1221. Visiting hours are until nine.” She waved a hand behind her. “Down the hallway, on the left.”
He thanked her and headed in the direction she’d indicated. When he found the correct door, he took a deep breath and entered.
Mr. Alvarez was awake and sitting up in a large bed. There was another bed next to him, but it was empty. He was hooked up to a heart monitor and an IV, but he looked comfortable. He was watching a small TV set mounted on the wall.
He turned his head when Zack entered the room, and smiled so brightly Zack thought he might be in danger of tearing up again.
“Zack,” the old man said, “it’s good to see you, son.”
“It’s good to see you too,” Zack murmured, shuffling closer. He was scared to touch anything.
“Did Pilar tell you where to find me?”
“Yeah, and she sent supplies.” Zack handed him the bag.
Mr. Alvarez riffled through it. “That woman is a godsend. Put it over there on that chair for me.”
Zack did so and grabbed a second chair for himself, dragging it to the bedside.
“So,” he asked, “what’s new? Anything exciting happen lately?”
Mr. Alvarez laughed. “Oh, nothing much. The doctors said something about palpitations or some such nonsense. The important thing is, I’m going to be fine.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” Zack said. “By the way, I have a surprise for you.”
“More things from home?”
“Even better.” Zack pulled out his phone and brought up the picture of Marilyn. “Here.” He held it out.
Mr. Alvarez stared at it in confusion. Then understanding smoothed his features. “Is that the hospital parking lot?”
“Yup.”
“You drove her here?”
Zack grinned toothily. “Yup.”
“Hot damn!” Mr. Alvarez exclaimed. “That is a surprise. How’d she handle?”
“Like a dream. She runs a bit rough, but that’s nothing a little elbow grease won’t fix.”
They chatted for another half hour, planning the repairs they wanted to make and discussing which nurses Mr. Alvarez liked, before the subject inevitably turned to Zack.
“Don’t you usually work on Sundays?” Mr. Alvarez asked. “I hope you didn’t take a day off just to visit me.”
“I can promise you I didn’t,” Zack said. “I actually quit my job yesterday.”
Mr. Alvarez looked surprised. “That’s a bold move for someone as broke as you. What made you do it?”
Zack shrugged. “What can I say? I got tired of working weekends.”
Mr. Alvarez frowned. “What was it that you did again?”
“It’s not important now,” Zack dodged. “Just know that it was the right decision.”
“It may not seem that way when your rent comes due.”
Zack heaved a sigh. “Yeah, that’s fair. Still, that job was dragging me down. It was really draining, and I didn’t want to get stuck there. I was never going to get motivated to look for something else while I had a steady paycheck.”
“I suppose that’s fair enough. Though if I were you, I wouldn’t have taken that steady paycheck for granted. What are you going to do now?”
Zack shrugged. “That’s what everyone keeps asking me. I have no idea.”
“Ever thought about going back to school?”
“Of course, but I dunno what I would study.”
Mr. Alvarez gave him a thoughtful look. “You ever heard of trade school?”
Zack nodded.
“Well, there aren’t as many of them as there used to be, but back in my day, the bookworm types went to college, and the rest of us went to trade school and learned how to do something useful. I think that’s your problem.”
“I don’t know how to do anything useful?”
Mr. Alvarez laughed. “No, I think your problem is you tried to go to college with the academic types. I’m not saying you couldn’t squeeze by if you wanted to, but why waste your time learning a bunch of things you don’t need to know?”
“Because then, instead of being a waiter, I could be something nicer. Like a head waiter.”
Mr. Alvarez smiled crookedly. “That’s my point. Even people who do get fancy degrees aren’t guaranteed a job. Why don’t you find something useful and learn that?”
“I’m not sure what I’m good at. Outside of drinking and making poor life choices.”
“You could work with animals,” Mr. Alvarez suggested. “With the way you pamper that dog of yours, I’m sure you’d be great at it. Maybe get a job in a vet’s office.”
“Hm.” Zack rubbed his chin. “That’s a thought, though I have to admit, I’m kind of squeamish.”
“Really?”
“Oh yeah. One time Ziggy tried to chase this squirrel over a fence, and he tore his leg open. I thought I was going to faint when I saw it. I don’t know if I could handle working with injured animals every day.”
“In that case, why not follow in my footsteps?”
“You think I should retire?”
“No, son, become a mechanic. I’ve already taught you everything I know, and the money’s good. You just need to get certified.”
Zack mulled it over. “That’s a decent idea. I’ve loved working on Marilyn all these years.” The more Zack thought about it, the more he warmed to the idea. His parents would be thrilled to hear he’d gone back to school, even if it wasn’t a traditional university, and fixing cars was something he might actually be good at.
“I’ll think about it,” he said, not wanting to get his hopes up. “But that sounds like it could be my best bet.”
For the first time in he couldn’t remember how long, he felt like he might finally get his life together.
But then Mr. Alvarez said, “Just promise me you won’t let your rich boyfriend turn you into a kept man.”
The pain on Zack’s face must have been evident, because Mr. Alvarez said, “Ah, I see. When did you break up?”
“Right after you left for the hospital.”
He made a thoughtful humming sound. “Was it mutual?”
“No, but it’s . . . complicated.”
Mr. Alvarez made a wistful tutting sound. “Always is.”
“Well, I wish it wasn’t. I ended up with this roller-coaster romance that totally broke my heart, and all I wanted was to date someone for once. Maybe even settle down. Is that so much to ask?”
“Kind of, yeah,” Mr. Alvarez said. “Depends on how he felt about it, though. Was he looking to settle down too?”
“I thought he was.” Zack stared hard at his shoes. “But I guess I was wrong.”
“Might’ve been that you just expected too much too soon. People aren’t the visions we make up in our heads of what a perfect life looks like. If you try to cram a person into a mold, something’s bound to break.”
Zack had to admit there was some truth to that. From the moment he met John, he’d spent more time wondering where their relationship was going than how it was going. Maybe that wasn’t the right question to ask. If he hadn’t been so caught up in worrying that dating John was a mistake, he might have realized that John could make mistakes too. Perhaps then, he wouldn’t have been so completely blindsided when John did just that.
Zack shook his head. “That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t matter. He cheated on me. I don’t know if there’s any coming back from that.”
Mr. Alvarez looked horrified. “He slept with someone else?”
Zack floundered. “Um, kind of? See, he—well, he sort of . . . Look, the point is, he cheated. That much I know for certain.”
“But I thought you two hadn’t made things official yet?”
“We weren’t together, but we weren’t not together,” Zack said. It occurred to him how bizarre this must sound. “Like I said, it’s complicated. But needless to say, he betrayed my trust, and we’re over.”
“I’m sorry he did that,” Mr. Alvarez said. “Rebuilding trust after it’s been broken is one of the most difficult things two people can do. I’m not going to tell you to forgive him, but I am going to tell you one thing.”
“What?”
“Happy people don’t cheat.”
Zack furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”
“When someone is content, they’re unlikely to stray. It’s usually when they’re not getting what they need that they start to look elsewhere.”
“Are you saying it’s my fault he cheated on me?”
“No, of course not,” Mr. Alvarez said with a hint of ferocity. “That man made his own choice. I’m just trying to give you some insight. It sounds to me like he was missing something. Whatever it was, he shouldn’t have gone looking for it while he was still with you.”
“Now that I agree with.” Zack sighed. “I’ve been vacillating between thinking he’s a jerk and thinking this is all my fault. I made so many mistakes. I bumbled through the whole thing. I think, ‘I should have been honest about my insecurities,’ but then I’m like, ‘No, don’t blame yourself. He’s the one who cheated,’ and it all gets muddled in my head. I can’t stop picturing his face, either. At first I thought he didn’t care, but now I think he was just acting that way to mask his guilt. When I broke up with him, he looked devastated.”
“Sounds to me like you both did things you regret.”
Zack smiled weakly. “I guess. I keep replaying it in my head, changing one little thing every time in the hopes that it’ll somehow turn out differently.”
“Is the cheating not what really bothered you?”
Zack considered that. “I mean, it did, don’t get me wrong. It was what he said to me, though, that got under my skin.”
“What did he say?”
“He said I didn’t commit to him. He said it was unfair for me to expect him to give us his all when I wasn’t willing to do the same. I don’t think he was right, but . . .” Zack shrugged. “I think he thinks he’s right. Like he genuinely didn’t believe I was committed, so it doesn’t matter if I was or not, because I didn’t show it.”
“Maybe that’s what he was missing,” Mr. Alvarez said. “He wanted your whole heart and you were hesitant to give it to him. He took that as a sign that you didn’t really care for him. You’re both guilty of not being up front with one another.”
Zack groaned. “It’s like one of those bad teenage dramas where the whole plot could be fixed with two minutes’ worth of honest dialogue.” He ran a hand over his face and then asked, “What do you think I should do?”
“I’ve known you for a good few years, and you’ve never even mentioned wanting a relationship. Then this boy came along, and suddenly you looked like you were seeing the world in color for the first time. I don’t think you should be so quick to dismiss him.”
“I’m not going to date him just because he’s the first guy I’ve really liked,” Zack said flatly.
“I’m not saying you should. I’m saying you had a genuine connection what that boy. And from the sounds of things, he hurt you pretty badly. Maybe you should consider why he was able to do that.”
Zack supplied, “Because I actually cared about him?”
“Exactly. I told you before that relationships have to be balanced to work. That includes emotional balance. Do you think he cared about you less than you cared about him?”
“No.” Zack meant it. He pictured John’s distraught face again and felt a pang in his chest.
“Then chances are, he’s in just as much pain right now as you are. If nothing else, that ought to comfort you.”
Zack frowned. “No, that makes me feel worse. I don’t want him to be in pain.”
“Then there’s your answer,” Mr. Alvarez said. “You still care about him. Is that enough to overcome the hurt?”
“I don’t know?” Zack said. “Maybe. I just don’t want to feel like I’m letting him off too easy.”
“Son,” Mr. Alvarez said, “if feeling like you haven’t punished him enough is the only thing keeping you from him, then you’d better call him right now.”
Zack hesitated. “I don’t know. I’m still really confused.”
“Just try not to let stubbornness and pride keep you from being happy.”
Zack exhaled, feeling more confused than ever. “I should go. Thank you for the advice. It was good seeing you.” He stood up and leaned over the bed to give him an awkward half hug.
Mr. Alvarez patted his back. “Take care, son.”
“You too.”
Zack was halfway home when he made a split decision. He turned north toward Atwater Village, heart hammering. The next thing he knew, he was pulling up in front of John’s house. For a moment, Zack just sat in his car and stared. Part of him wanted to drive away and pretend he’d never been here, but a much larger part was dying to see John’s face.
He glanced at the driveway. John’s car was there. That meant John probably was too. What if he was studying? Or worse, what if he was calling a sex worker right now? The thought made Zack’s blood sizzle.
He was out of the car before his mind could process the motion. His feet felt leaden, but he was powerless to stop them. He raised a trembling hand and knocked on the front door. Seconds crawled by like hours. He’d never been so nervous in his life.
He almost jumped out of his skin when he heard John’s muffled voice call, “Be right there!” It was too late to run now. What if John took one look at him and slammed the door in his face? Zack’s palms started to sweat.
The knob rattled, and a second later, the door swung inward. John was standing on the other side in sweatpants and nothing else. Rivulets of water trickled down his bare torso, following the dips and planes of his abdominal muscles. He had a towel pressed to his hair, which had darkened to the color of burnished bronze. His skin was flushed, and he smelled like soap.
He froze when he saw Zack. At first, he just gaped at him. Then he breathed, “Oh.”
All the things Zack wanted to say—all the arguments and comebacks and demands he’d rehearsed endlessly over the course of the past week—died on his lips.
The mix of pain and elation he felt as he stared at John’s beautiful face was so potent it made him dizzy. The conflict was still present, but it shrank to a distant, fuzzy voice in the back of his head. He knew in that moment that holding on to his anger wasn’t worth losing the incredible person in front of him. Every fiber in his being pressed him forward, urging him to go to John. He needed to feel John’s heat, to tongue the water sluicing down his body, to be with him.
In a stupor, Zack stepped forward, invading John’s space. John exhaled sharply but didn’t step back. The mere inches between them were magnetized. Zack could hear John’s breathing quicken, and it made him itch.
“John,” he whispered, “stop me.”
John shivered and looked him dead in the eye. “No.”
Zack closed the distance, held John’s face in both of his hands, and kissed him.