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Two months later Callie waved at Ginny as she pulled out from the kerb. Her seven-month-pregnant belly was on proud display in the form-fitting dress and she looked better every time Callie saw her — blooming, in fact. She was doing so well with her reduced medication and looking forward to the arrival of their baby girl.
Ginny had joked that Callie had better get a move on or she’d be too old, and Callie had laughed. But even standing there, with Ginny’s belly round and firm in front of her, Callie had felt nothing.
Sure, she’d felt happy for Ginny and Brad but, apart from that weird moment during the twelve week ultrasound, there had been no crashing urge to join the club. No desire to have her own belly full with child. Zack had been her one chance at experiencing motherhood, albeit it second-hand, and she was perfectly okay with that.
She must have been hiding behind a door when maternal instincts had been given out.
Still, despite this apparent flaw, Callie was deep-down-in-her-bones happy. The sun was shining, it was Friday afternoon, her patients were well.
What more could she ask for?
She certainly couldn’t ask any more of Sebastian. Things were working out better than she had ever imagined. Somehow she and Sebastian seemed to have the work/personal balance right. She’d fretted that things would be awkward at work, that their colleagues would treat them differently if/when they found out, or would disapprove of such a potentially disastrous match.
A few years back two of Jambalyn’s staff had been involved in a tempestuous relationship that had come to a messy end and they’d all spent months walking on eggshells around the office.
But everyone had been blasé about it and Geraldine had announced, ‘Thank the Lord for that,’ when they were sprung one afternoon after work in Sebastian’s office, stealing a kiss.
Callie had also fretted that seeing so much of each other – during and after work - would be a recipe for disaster.
But she’d been wrong.
Maybe the fact that they always went home to their own beds to sleep, that they weren’t spending twenty-four seven with each other, had been the key.
Sebastian had been right, it seemed. They were perfect for each other. They were both in it for the same reasons - to have fun and enjoy each other without the expectations of a formal relationship. Neither of them wanted marriage or kids so the pressure wasn’t on to make anything more of it than it was.
Which was sex.
Lots and lots and lots of truly amazing, fabulous sex that just kept getting better and better. It certainly hadn’t fizzled out, as Sebastian had suggested on the plane. If anything, their appetite for each other seemed to be increasing.
Burning out of control, actually.
Callie was going to miss it when Sebastian went back to Melbourne. She was going to miss it a lot. Along with the other things. Like the laughter. And the dining out. The movies. The Sunday drives after sprawling out on her deck, eating pastries for brunch and bingeing stuff on Netflix.
She smiled, she’d really loved Netflix and chill...
She was still smiling a minute later when her phone rang and she pushed the button so she could talk hands free.
‘Callie?’
Callie’s smile broadened at the voice that was as familiar to her now as her own. ‘I was just thinking about you.’
‘That’s nice.’
It was an innocuous enough reply but Sebastian sounded tense and her smile slipped. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘I’ve just taken a call from Frank Jessop’s wife. He’s agitated and she’s concerned.’
Frank was a Vietnam vet who suffered from PTSD marked by severe flashbacks. ‘You want me to divert there?’
‘Please. I’m on my way but you’re closer and with this afternoon traffic I could be half an hour.’
She nodded. ‘That’s fine. I’m only a few minutes away. See you when you get there.’
‘Callie...’
She’d been about to hang up but the strained note in his voice stopped her.
‘Just be there, for June, okay? If you think he’s close to the edge, leave the house with her and ring for an ambulance... Don’t engage him, okay?’
It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him she knew what she was doing but Callie could hear tension in his voice and guessed that this had to be hard for him. That he’d probably faced this situation not only professionally but personally.
‘Of course,’ she murmured reassuringly then ended the call.
When Callie arrived at the Jessop’s she was greeted by Frank’s wife as if she was a floatation device and June was drowning. A small bird of a woman in her seventies, she looked frantic and had obviously been crying.
‘Are you okay?’ Callie asked, surreptitiously running her gaze all over June to check she hadn’t been harmed. ‘Has he hurt you?’
‘No, no, no,’ June dismissed. ‘He hasn’t...he never would. I just...’ She pressed her hand to her mouth. ‘I haven’t seen him like this in a long time.’
Callie reached for June’s hands and smiled. ‘It’s okay now. I’m here and Sebastian’s on his way.’
‘Thank you,’ June whispered. ‘Thank you.’
Callie smiled again and squeezed the woman’s hand. ‘I might just pop in and check on him, okay?’
June nodded. ‘Would you, please? I’m so worried.’
Callie’s heart went out to June. Her love for her husband, even in his disturbed state, was inspirational. ‘Of course.’
Callie followed June into the front lounge room. Frank was sitting on one of the chairs, the leather cracked and worn, staring at the floor. He was rocking slightly and muttering to himself.
An image of Andy rose in her mind and she quashed it.
‘Hello, Frank. Do you remember me?’ Callie approached slowly and stopped a few feet away. ‘Callie Douglas? One of the nurses from Jambalyn.’
Frank looked up at her, still rocking. He frowned and it was as if he was looking straight through her before he returned his gaze to the floor.
‘Okay. Well, I’m going to have a cup of tea with June while we wait for Sebastian. Can I get you one?’
Frank curled his lip at her. ‘No tea,’ he barked. ‘No shrink.’
Callie nodded. ‘Okay. I’ll just be out in the kitchen with June.’
June burst into tears when Callie reached the kitchen and she put her arm around the older woman, ushering her to the table. She busied herself making tea while keeping one ear on the occasional mutterings from the lounge.
She kept up a constant stream of inane chatter. She should have been trying to establish the events that had led to this breakdown but June seemed too raw and Callie knew she’d have to go over it enough times today as it was.
Sebastian arrived within twenty minutes and she greeted him at the door. He looked tall and capable and commanding coming up the path and her heart skipped a beat or two. She filled him in on her appraisal of Frank and the situation as they walked to the kitchen.
He sat down next to June and put his arm around her shoulders, murmuring to her in a low voice, asking the questions Callie hadn’t and telling her everything was going to be okay then he stood.
‘I’ll go and say hi,’ he said.
––––––––
Two hours later they were driving in silence back to Jambalyn, Callie navigating the heavy traffic while a grim-faced Sebastian stared out his window. The scene in the Jessop house played over and over in her mind. He’d been so damn brave.
Braver than that day on the bridge in his bulletproof vest. Braver than that night confronting an arrogant fool in a restaurant. Braver than baring his soul as he presented an important paper with a deep personal connection in front of hundreds of colleagues.
Remembering Sebastian holding a distraught man who was at the end of his tether, brought a king-size lump to Callie’s throat as she pulled up at a red light. She glanced at him. He looked exhausted, the lines around his eyes and mouth more pronounced, his usually erect frame slightly less so.
It was the first time she’d seen him looking every one of his forty years.
But more than that, he looked...alone and she couldn’t bear it. Not when she was right here beside him. She slid her hand onto his thigh and gave a gentle squeeze. ‘Tough day for you.’
Sebastian rubbed a hand across his eyes giving her a half smile as he covered her hand. ‘Tougher for Frank.’
Callie nodded. The light turned green and she removed her hand, watching as Sebastian returned to his silent vigil out the window. She wanted to pull over, crawl into his lap and just hold him. She wanted to wrap him up until the events of the day drifted away. He looked so untouchable at the moment, so distant, she just wanted to bring him back.
To her.
Use her body to ground him in the here and now, snatch him back from wherever it was he’d gone to.
But at the moment he looked too far away, too far gone. He certainly didn’t look like he needed anyone and the one drawback of being in a relationship where the two people in it completely avoided defining it as such was that she wasn’t sure how much she could push.
They were in it for better after all, not worse. And she couldn’t bear for him to reject her.
So she drove on and it wasn’t until she shut off the engine that Sebastian even acknowledged that they’d arrived at Jambalyn. Callie undid her seat belt and groped for the door handle.
‘No.’ He placed a stilling hand on hers. ‘Go home. I’ll do the paperwork and follow you.’
A hot jab to Callie’s chest stole her breath. He was dismissing her and it hurt. ‘Sebastian, I don’t mind hanging around. I could — ’
‘No, really,’ he interrupted, giving her hand a squeeze she assumed was meant to reassure her. ‘I think I need to...It’s been a long day and I really want to get things straight in my head.’ He smiled at her. ‘I can never think straight around you. I think I need to just be alone for a bit.’
Callie smiled at his little joke, even though tears scalded the backs of her eyes and she felt as if a huge fist had been rammed into her heart. He was pushing her away. She knew she had no claim on him or any right to expect anything but, still, she wanted to be there, wanted him to want her to be there.
To reach for her, not push her away.
‘Of course,’ she said, forcing a note of professional courtesy into her voice. He would know better than her what she needed and she had to give him the space he was asking for like she would any other professional.
She buckled up her seat belt again. ‘No problems. I’ll see you when you get home.’
He nodded, unbuckled his belt and exited the car.
––––––––
Sebastian inserted his key into Callie’s door. He felt old and weary and he wanted her. Needed her. He knew he’d disappointed her by pushing her away earlier but he needed her now. After a harrowing afternoon he needed to get lost in her, to take him away from the memories that had dogged him since their call out to Frank’s place.
His father. His childhood. Afghanistan.
He needed to look forward, not back. To affirm that life was good and right and decent.
‘Callie?’ he called as he threw his keys on the hallstand. He didn’t get an answer so he called again as he walked into the empty lounge. Hearing water running, he headed towards the bedroom. ‘Callie?’
Her, ‘In the shower,’ drifted towards him and his pulse quickened.
Toeing his shoes off he stopped only to strip off his socks before walking past her bed towards the en suite and then through the open doorway that connected the two rooms to find her, as she had already said, in the shower.
She was gloriously wet and naked, her head tipped back, her eyes shut as she washed shampoo out of her hair. Soapy water sluiced down her long, strong body, over her breasts and the curve of her belly and down her thighs.
Bubbles clung to her nipples.
He hardened instantly and reached for his top button. She opened her eyes and stared directly at him with soft eyes that seem to see right inside him, and he got harder. Their gazes locked as he stripped off his shirt, undid his belt, pushed off his trousers and underwear.
Sebastian didn’t ask permission, just opened the shower door, stepped inside and reached for her. She came to him eagerly, plastering her wet body against him and he devoured her mouth, needing it, needing her more than he needed air, his pulse pounding through his head.
Pushing her back against the wall, he trapped her body against the cold tiles and she met his ardour with startling ferocity. Her nipples were two hard points against his chest as he ground his erection against the hot slick heart of her.
He needed more though. So much more.
Tearing his mouth from hers Sebastian moved lower, capturing a nipple as his hand moved to her other breast, his thumb circling and flicking. He sucked hard and she cried out as his teeth grazed the tight bud in his mouth and Sebastian wanted to roar his satisfaction.
But he wasn’t the only one exploring lower as her hand clamped around his erection. He groaned as sparks of electricity spread to his balls and the base of his spine. She angled him to her entrance and Sebastian slid his hands under her buttocks, lifted her feet off the floor and anchored her against the wall with his hips and chest.
‘God...I want you so bad,’ he muttered as her legs automatically circled his waist and his rampant, aching cock nudged at her centre.
‘Yes, Sebastian. Now. Please now.’
Sebastian heard the desperation in her voice, felt it deep inside him too — the urge to drive into her, to claim her, overwhelming. Her slick heat caressed his throbbing hardness and it took all his willpower to resist her urgent demand.
He pressed his forehead against the side of neck and took a couple of calming breaths. ‘Callie, we can’t, I didn’t bring a condom in the shower with me.’
‘No.’ She shook her head violently, grasping his head, pulling it up to look at her. ‘I don’t want any barriers. I want to feel you, truly you. All of you. I don’t want anything between us tonight.’
Sebastian was breathing hard as a bloom of some emotion he couldn’t identify played havoc with his common sense. He wanted that too. Wanted to feel her around him, flesh on flesh. To be closer to her than he’d ever been.
Even if it was just this once.
‘Please, Sebastian,’ she murmured, squirming against him.
Sebastian hissed out a breath as their gazes locked. Her heat and slickness lapped at the taut sensitive crown of his cock and he wanted to go further. One push of his hips into all that slippery tightness and he’d be buried to the hilt.
‘It’s okay,’ she whispered.
Then she claimed his lips in a truly dirty dance, pushing her tongue deep into his mouth, clearly mimicking what she wanted him to do down lower and Sebastian gave it to her on a surge of high-octane lust. She cried out as he entered her and he roared as it triggered something primal.
It felt good. So damn good, skin on skin, her tight heat gripping him with shocking intimacy. He dug his fingers into the flesh of her buttocks as he pulled out and thrust in again the sensation almost crippling.
He latched onto the curve where her neck met her shoulder and she scratched at his back but he didn’t even notice as he rammed into her over and over. Pounding and pounding and pounding, her cries and the water drumming down on him, washing away the events of the day.
––––––––
Callie knew she was coming almost from the first full thrust hitting exactly the right spot, but she didn’t want to let go, let it consume her just yet. Sebastian needed this, she knew it as surely as she knew he was holding back too.
But if anyone needed to let go, it was Sebastian. Only in his release would he find some kind of purging of the emotions that had built up over the day. It was impossible to keep everything inside when you were breaking apart.
And this, at least, she could give him.
‘Sebastian,’ she panted. ‘Let go.’
‘No.’ He grunted as he rammed in hard.
Callie bit her lip as the ripples edged out from her centre. ‘Yes,’ she demanded.
He shook his head. ‘You.’ He gasped, rocking in and out of her. ‘First.’
Callie moaned. Stubborn bloody man. But if that was what it took...
She stopped fighting it, letting the sensations rush out at her, giving the ripples free rein, feeling herself clamp down hard on him and his corresponding groan. Then he sucked a nipple into the hot cavern of his mouth and the wave swept over and she cried out, flinging her head back as the orgasm consumed what felt like her very soul.
Finally Sebastian’s shoulders started to shake and Callie cried out, ‘Yes, yes, yes,’ as a guttural groan was torn from his throat and he joined her, cool rain falling from the shower as his hot seed pumped into her and there were no words or thoughts as their bodies moved to a rhythm as old as time.
Just him and her and a vortex of pleasure.
––––––––
It seemed like an age before either of them moved. Callie’s head lolled against his and they stayed forehead to forehead for a long time, the shower bathing them, cooling heated blood and soothing sizzling skin as their breathing slowly settled.
She stirred first, lifting her head and flopping it back against the tiles. The spray misted against her lips and she opened her mouth to moisten a parched throat.
‘I think I just died and went to heaven,’ she murmured, half smiling as the feel of hard muscle beneath her hands came into focus.
He kissed her neck before pulling back slightly to look at her. ‘Me too.’
Water droplets clung to his browny-blond lashes and beaded on his lips. She leaned forward, kissing his eyes gently, lapping at the drops. He fluttered a kiss on her mouth and nuzzled her throat. Such tender innocent caresses considering their very carnal position.
‘This is nice,’ he murmured, settling against her as the water sluiced over his shoulders.
It was. Really nice. And it would be so easy in the aftermath of such mind-bending passion to let herself be swept up in believing that there was way more to this than two people having a good time.
But Callie’s was no ingénue.
They stayed for a while longer until she squirmed and he roused himself from the sweet line of her neck. ‘Sorry,’ he apologised.
‘It’s okay.’
‘I’m squashing you,’ he protested, pulling away.
He eased her down, her feet sliding to the tiles and, when
Callie’s legs buckled slightly, he held her tight, letting her lean into him for a moment. ‘I’m okay now,’ she whispered as her jellied legs regained strength.
Even though she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be okay again.
He let her go but grabbed her again as she swayed a few seconds later. He held her around the waist as he shut off the taps with his other hand then swept her up in his arms.
Callie laughed, hanging on around his neck. ‘I can walk, Sebastian.’
He kissed her nose. ‘I know.’
Carrying her into the bedroom, he laid her gently on the bed, joining her moments later, rolling her on her side and tucking her into him as he spooned her from behind. Callie was about to protest that they were both still dripping wet but it felt too good here like this, with his arm heavy around her waist and his breath warm on her neck and drifting off to sleep felt like the most natural thing in the world.
––––––––
Callie woke with a start. It was dark and something had yanked her from slumber. The warm, bony pillow beneath her cheek twitched, rocking her head a little, and she realised Sebastian was muttering to himself.
She didn’t know what time it was as she half sat, her bedroom coming into focus as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. The luminous figures on her bedside clock pronounced it just after midnight.
‘No!’
Callie startled at Sebastian’s unexpected outburst. He shook his head from side to side like he was fighting against something as he muttered, ‘No!’ again, but this time it was louder, more panicked, and he vaulted up in bed.
Callie’s heart leapt to her throat. ‘Sebastian?’ She laid her hand on his shoulder and he jumped, twisting to look at her with wild eyes that, for a moment, didn’t seem to recognise her.
She withdrew her hand, her heart fluttering wildly in her chest. ‘Sebastian?’
He seemed to sag then and the blank look of confusion lifted from his eyes. ‘Callie,’ he said on an exhalation. ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’
‘Hey,’ she murmured, opening her arms. She wasn’t sure if he’d accept her comfort but when he did, she gathered him close and whispered. ‘It’s fine. You’re fine.’
She didn’t know how long they sat there. Long enough for the tremble in his arms to settle and the mad pulsing of his heart against hers to return to its normal rhythm.
‘Is it your father?’
He shook his head. ‘No.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
––––––––
Sebastian roused himself, the shocking realism of the nightmare receding. Even more shocking was the realisation that he did want to talk about it.
And, if nothing else, he sure as hell owed her an explanation.
‘Actually...yeah.’
If she seemed surprised, she didn’t show it, just shimmied back so she was resting against the head board, opening her arms to him again. He went to her, settling between her legs, his back to her front, her arm slung over his shoulder and across his chest, cradling him against her.
‘It happened last year, in Afghanistan. I was travelling with a supply division to get to another base. There was a roadside bomb.’ She gasped softly and her arm banded around him tighter. Sebastian slid his palms onto her shins, needing to ground himself. ‘The vehicle in front was blown to smithereens. I’d just been talking to the driver a few minutes before we left. He was supposed to be going home a month later.’
‘Did he...?’
Sebastian stared into the darkness, his mind awash with the desperation of men trying to save their comrades. ‘He didn’t make it. None of them did.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ she murmured, her arm tightening even more, her legs wrapping around his thighs. ‘That’s terrible.’
Sebastian nodded, the terror a little less here in her embrace. ‘It was.’
‘Do you have nightmares often?’
‘No, not really. Not anymore. Only when I’m really tired, I guess.’
It shouldn’t have surprised him, then, that this had happened tonight. He’d come to Callie’s from Frank already totally exhausted. And then there’d been the sex. Sex that had felt so much more than all the other times and not because he’d been bare but because it had reached much deeper than physical gratification.
And he was pretty sure she felt the same.
‘Have you seen anyone about it?’
He grimaced. ‘Ironic, isn’t it? The foremost expert on PTSD suffering from it himself?’
She rubbed her chin against his hair. ‘No. It’s just life.’
‘I have talked to someone about it. An army psychologist. It was him actually who suggested I ease back into work. That I should take a break from twenty four seven PTSD.’
‘Well, he sounds very smart,’ she murmured.
Sebastian chuckled. ‘Yeah. He is.’
They sat locked together for a long while, neither saying anything. Just touching. Nothing sexual. Trailing fingers. Dropping a kiss. Rubbing a cheek. Not wanting to move, to disconnect.
Sebastian liked the weight of her legs wrapped around him, the feel of her breasts squashed to his back. But when he glanced at the time it was almost one and he stirred, knowing he had to go. Talking had been cathartic and the last thing he felt like doing was getting out of Callie’s bed.
But it was the rule.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, easing out of her embrace, rubbing the fatigue from his eyes. ‘I should go. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.’
She put her hand out, touched his shoulder. Slid it along the ridge that thickened into his neck then trailed it down his back. ‘Stay.’
Sebastian stilled, his heart suddenly thumping loud in his ears. He turned slightly, capturing her gaze. She knew him, this woman. Callie. She knew more about him than he’d ever let another woman know and he wanted to leave her bed about as much as he wanted to drill a hole in his head but he also knew her and she had to be sure.
If they were going to do this — it couldn’t be undone. ‘If I stay tonight, I’m going to want to stay every night.’
‘Good,’ she said with a smile and opened her arms.
––––––––
‘Here you are.’
Callie looked behind her and smiled. ‘Here I am.’ She’d woken early and had slipped out of bed to enjoy the early morning ambience of her deck. Leaning against the railing she could see over the rooftops of the neighbourhood, hear the stirrings of suburbia.
Wearing only a towel slung low on his hips, Sebastian padded across to her, stopping directly behind and placing his hands on her shoulders. He felt good and smelled better and she leant into him, turning her face slightly so she could rub her cheek against his hand.
‘Having second thoughts?’ he murmured, his mouth brushing down the side of her neck.
Callie sighed as goose bumps broke out beneath his lips. ‘No.’
‘Why so pensive, then?’
She returned her attention to the houses and greenery of her neighbourhood. ‘I guess I’m just wondering what this means now.’
After all they’d shared last night, the thought of him leaving one day, of this having to stop and to never be with him like this again, was increasingly disturbing.
Callie could tell he was smiling from the way his lips curved against her skin. ‘I think it’s time to face it,’ he said, continuing his nuzzling. ‘We’re in a relationship. Just because we’ve been too wrapped up in each other to define it doesn’t change the facts.’
Relationship.
Before last night Callie would have shrunk from the word. It was a big word. With a lot of expectations. But it was suddenly very tantalising, too.
An adult relationship with a man she liked, whose company she enjoyed and who could make her laugh. Who could touch her body and make her see stars. But more than that, a man who shared himself with her and who understood, better than anyone, the things from her past that had shaped her.
She turned in his arms. His broad naked chest was warm and inviting and so damn sexy that even now in the middle of this momentous discussion she wanted to relieve him of his towel and give her neighbours a show they’d never forget.
‘The thing is, Sebastian, we’ve never really talked about us in any kind of future terms. I thought we were just living in the moment?’
‘I think we transcended that last night, don’t you?’ He kissed her nose, her forehead, before seeking and holding her gaze. ‘What if we were to keep this thing going? Even after I go back?’
Callie’s breath caught in her throat. A long-distance relationship? It was a startling thought to someone who didn’t have the best track record with maintaining romantic relationships at all let alone beyond the city limits. It was certainly one she’d never entertained.
But one, even now, despite the suddenness, was insidiously entwining itself in her grey matter.
‘Really?’
‘Sure, why not?’ He trailed a finger along her jaw and down her neck. ‘We’re having a good time. We’re both adults who are free to come and go with no commitments to other people. Who says we have to follow conventional rules? Melbourne’s only a two-hour plane trip from Brisbane. I can fly here or you can fly there. Or we can fly somewhere else and meet in the middle. There’s weekends and holidays. Why not?’
Callie chewed her lip as temptation knocked. Everything about this should be objectionable but it wasn’t.
Why not indeed?
Her, here in Brisbane, doing what she loved. Still around for Zack and still being there for her clients. Him in Melbourne, doing what he loved. Being famous and important. Then meeting somewhere to do what they both loved together.
The best of both worlds.
The more the thought sat with her the more it excited her. The more enticing the possibilities.
But...
Experience told her that men often wanted more and more. Things she just wasn’t prepared to give. She took a deep breath to tackle it head on. ‘I’m never going to want a baby.’
He frowned. ‘I know that.’
She shook her head and blasted him with a steady, serious look. ‘I mean it, Sebastian. I’m not going to change my mind. I’m perfectly happy with my life. I don’t need to experience motherhood to have a fulfilling existence. I’ve had Zack and that was wonderful enough for me. But I’ve been here before. Sooner or later, it always gets down to babies.’
He returned her gaze with a steady one of his own, his hand cradling her jaw, as his fingers speared into her hair. ‘It won’t. Not with me. I’m with you on this, one hundred and fifty per cent.’ He rubbed his thumb gently back and forth across her ear as he dropped a kiss on her mouth. ‘I promise.’
He’d told her before he didn’t want kids. She’d believed him them and she believed him now.
God...could they really make this happen?
Callie felt both excited and nervous. Like she wanted to throw up but at the same time, her heart felt as big as a basketball in her chest.
She wanted to try it, at least.
‘In that case,’ she whispered against his lips, her hand sliding to the knot of his towel, ‘I’d love to keep this thing going.’
Then she yanked and the towel slid free.