OLDGUY: SUPERHERO,

FASHION PLATE

Promotion ideas are scarce enough
at Kmart for them to bring out an Oldguy

line of clothes for kids and senior citizens.
First, there’s the cape, redone in scarlet

taffeta. Then the shirt, with the O now
sewn on straight, outlined in rhinestones.

The new trunks have “Depend” discreetly
tucked inside, and the utility belt features

a set of Naugahyde pill containers, plus
a silver buckle that reads INVICTUS.

The slippers are redone to look like suede
wrestler boots, and a glittery helmet’s added.

Soon after the national ad blitz, Marketing
panics when word spreads that Oldguy’s

traded his new duds to an Elvis impersonator
for a ticket to his act at the local Holiday Inn.

Despite the setback, the new line takes off
for a while with drag queens and flashers.