Two inhabitants of the death-planet Blectar
beamed to Earth to kill everyone and restart
their race, taking over the bodies of two
door-to-door illustrated-Bible peddlers.
To their surprise, they found sales so much
more exciting than life on Blectar that they
gave up their mission and went on to lead
the salesforce of Serutan laxative. Hoping to
promote salesmanship and civic virtue
in their newfound home, they came across
the future Oldguy: Superhero, then called
Irving, in his crib. Well pleased, they injected
a compound known on Blectar as “Phluhbir”
into his morning bottle. “Phluhbir” translates
from the terse Blectarese as “The secret
purple shit that turns pissants into kick-ass
motherfuckers who . . .” and several more lines
of death-planet parlance—though in other
contexts the word can mean “forklift,”
“left turn,” or “Blectarian murder-orgasm.”
After mastering take-offs and landings,
little Irving was on his way to being
recognized as Youngguy: Superhero, revered
by the Blectarians as “Son of Phluhbir.”