OLDGUY: SUPERHERO

ATTENDS THE ASSOCIATED
SUPERHEROES CONFERENCE

Oldguy signed up late, so he has to share a room
at the Lone Star Motel, which charges by the hour,

with Repulsiveguy, who drives villains away
with his nose-blow rendition of “Danke Schoen,”

and his fart-take on “Bubbles in the Wine.” Oldguy
leaves early for the conference, at the Downtown

Hubris. He hopes to network a little, compare
notes with Superman, Captain Marvel, Batman,

who have fancy booths in the big hall where they
sign autographs and talk down to admirers.

He has to stand in line, where he’s jostled by
a desperate army of wannabes, one of whom

snarls, “Keep it moving, Grandpa.” Oldguy
might have used his denture grapple on the kid

if it weren’t soaking back at the hotel. When he
gets to the front of the line, Superman scribbles

an autograph on Oldguy’s utility belt and,
when Oldguy tries to start a conversation, snaps,

“Move it along, Gramps.” Oldguy then attends
a panel where Wonder Woman, the Hulk,

Captain America, and Aquaman float around
the room on their notoriety. Later, Oldguy’s

turned away from the hospitality room for
lack of insider credentials. By this time, he

needs a nap, so he walks back to the Lone Star,
where Repulsiveguy has driven off even the pimps

and junkies with his projectile-vomiting routine.
Things seem so bleak that he and Oldguy go out

for a drink with Daylateguy and Kickmeguy.
At the Jungle Room, after a fifth Pink Volcano,

they discover how much they have in common,
harmonize on several choruses of “Danke Schoen.”