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Cecilia looked out the window of her new bedroom in Farleigh Cottage two days later. It faced the garden she had seen as she had arrived during the last hours of sunlight and changed into an evening gown to prepare for dinner with Archie. Her husband. The stilted dinner was over now, and her maid had just left her alone, after helping her bathe and prepare for bed.
They had been married this morning at Great Farleigh Hall with their parents and the rest of the house party attending. The duke had apparently sent a missive to the Archbishop of Canterbury to ask for a special license for them as soon as he had found out that they had left.
If she was able to undo one thing in her life, it would be that she would have gone to her room to cry her eyes out instead of thinking that she should be anywhere else. And then at least she could have gone on her own.
But no do overs were given, and she would have to find a way to settle into her new life here. The cottage was more spacious than she had thought; it spanned three floors for the family and then there was a basement and an attic for the servant quarters. Archie had introduced her to the staff when they arrived and showed her the most important rooms: the drawing room, the dining room, his study, a parlor that she could have for her personal use and of course their adjoining bedrooms. Even though she had her own bedroom, he had told her in unmistakable terms that he expected her to sleep in his bed at night.
Cecilia pulled her light-yellow dressing gown tighter around her body. She could not deny that she was attracted to him, desired him even, but she was still nervous about sharing his bed. His kiss two days ago had been skilled and seductive.
At the time she had simply reveled in it and enjoyed it but later she had come to think how he had perceived it. It had to be clear to him that she had no experience in kissing in that way. And the same went for everything beyond that. Her mother had sat her down to have a talk last night about what was going to happen tonight. Cecilia had known all of it from her married sisters and Algernon. Even more in fact, since both her sisters and Algernon had hinted at great pleasure, whereas her mother had merely gone over the technicalities.
When her sisters and Algernon had spoken of it previously, she had gobbled it all up with a wide-eyed fascination, mouth agape, both shocked and excited. Now she was only nervous. She knew from her sisters that it did not take much skill to please a man, and from her mother she had gotten the impression that the only important matter was that she was present. Which should appease her some, but only made her heart drum faster in her chest.
The sound of her blood rushing in her ears made her press her forehead to the window to check whether it was storming outside. She found that the coldness of the glass soothed her somewhat and stayed in that position until Archie found her. She jumped with surprise when he placed his hands on her shoulders.
“Cecilia,” he said gently.
She spun around from the window, clutching the dressing gown at her neck to not expose any skin.
“I thought you would knock,” she breathed and stepped away from him.
“I did several times. There was no answer,” he continued, speaking in the same mild voice.
Oh, well. She met his blue gaze for only a moment then looked away.
“Well, I think it’s quite windy tonight, I did not hear you,” she gestured towards the window behind her.
She stepped away from him, because his body clad in a dark blue banyan that he was not holding closed at his neck revealed much too large quantities of his naked chest for her liking. She went to the dressing table - her dressing table - and fingered her bottle of perfume that had been placed there. All the while she felt his eyes on her.
Her heart was pounding so loudly again that she was not certain whether he spoke, and her throat was so dry and constricted that she could not speak herself. She kept turning the glass stopper in the perfume bottle, not daring to look at him nor at her own reflection in the mirror. She was certain that she would see a white-faced, wide-eyed version of herself that looked more like a girl than a young woman and how would she ever be able to please him, to keep him satisfied if this was how she reacted to being with him?
The last two days, she had come to understand that the better she was able to satisfy him, the longer she could keep him to herself. Then he would not have to seek other women’s company and she just might be able to be married to him without turning into a hollow and empty shell.
“Cecilia?” Archie asked, quite close to her ear, his hands once again coming to rest on her shoulders. Cecilia startled; once more she had not heard him approach her. Her movement made her hand on the perfume bottle jerk, the bottle tipped, the stopper came off and her vanilla and cinnamon scented perfume flooded the table and then dripped to the floor.
“Oh, how clumsy of me,” she muttered and wrenched out from under his hands to find cloths in the tallboy by the wall. It was the cloths she used for her monthly courses, but she did not realize it until she was drying the table with them. She blushed fiercely at the thought of Archie seeing them and only hoped that he was not able to tell since her face was turned towards the table.
“Let someone else handle this,” he told her in a gentle voice. His hand came to rest on her arm for a moment. She ignored it and kept trying to soak the perfume from the floor. Behind her she heard Archie walk across the floor and pull the bellpull.
“Cecilia,” he said again as he came back to her side. She immediately crouched on the floor, trying to dap the perfume from the carpet.
“I hope I haven’t ruined it,” she muttered.
“Cecilia.” Archie crouched next to her. "I understand that you are nervous. It is a new experience for you. One that might hurt.”
Looking at the cloth on the carpet and not him she muttered:
“The pain will only be for a moment,” because that was what both her sisters and her mother had assured her. Up until now she had not even given the pain of the experience any consideration.
“Then what?” His large warm hand came to rest on top of hers, stilling her dabbing on the carpet. “Tell me, confide in me, please. I only wish what’s best for you. You are my wife now.”
She looked at his hand resting on hers as she thought of how to explain her nervousness. She could not tell him how much she wished he would honor their vows. That she wanted him to be devoted to her and only her. He would probably mistake it for her being in love with him which would in turn probably drive him away from her even faster.
“It is simply the novelty of it I suppose. The speed with which everything has occurred,” she lied, trying to swallow but her throat was completely dry.
“I understand that. Of course, I do. And I will be patient - and gentle,” Archie assured her in such a soothing tone of voice that it almost made her cry. “Come, we will go to my room and let your maid deal with this.”
Cecilia nodded but did not rise. Archie took the cloth from her and placed it on the floor, then he held both of her hands in his and helped her stand. Cecilia still did not look at him but was glad when her maid knocked on the door a moment later. Archie took charge and instructed her on cleaning up. Then he gently led Cecilia by the hand through the adjoining door and into his room.
The bed in his room was larger, the interior more masculine with dark brown wood paneling and a dusty cerulean wallpaper. A thick carpet in dove gray covered the floor. How many women had he had in here? How many women had pleasured him? All of them would have had experience, being much better at pleasing him than Cecilia could ever be.
“I think a drink might be in order,” Archie said as he led her to a deep blue armchair by the fireplace.
Cecilia did not respond but simply looked at the fireplace. She heard him walk across the floor, pour a liquid into glasses then return and hand it to her. She thanked him and gulped down half of the glass without thinking. The burning sensation in her throat, all the way down to her stomach, woke her briefly and made her cough.
“What is this?” she exclaimed as she looked at the amber colored substance in the glass and held her hand in front of her mouth as if that could prevent her from being sick.
“Brandy,” Archie drawled and took a sip of his own glass.
Cecilia coughed again then downed the rest of the glass. The burning was not as bad the second time.
“You’re supposed to savor it, not chug it down like it’s gin,” Archie teased her, but Cecilia did not acknowledge his comment. Instead, she turned her back to him, undid her dressing gown and let it fall to the floor. She crawled into his bed and slid under the covers.
“Can we please not talk and just get it over with?” she asked the ceiling.
She could hear Archie move to her side of the bed and felt the mattress dip as he sat down next to her. He placed a hand beside her hip and leaned over her. She could feel him studying her as she was staring at the ceiling.
“Cecilia, please, what is going on?” he asked gently.
She shook her head as she felt her bottom lip start to quiver. There was no way that she would be able to utter the words, even if she wanted to.
“Cecilia, please look at me,” he pleaded now. She could hear how distraught he was. Perhaps even how hurt he was by the entire situation. It was probably new to him that a woman did not simply throw herself at him.
“Please,” he repeated, and his tone of voice made her move her eyes from the ceiling towards his for only a second. The ocean blue eyes were soft with emotions and Cecilia felt the pity radiate from him. It made the tears start to spill from her eyes.
“Cecilia,” he murmured and gently heaved her up to a sitting position to put his arms around her. Now she was crying in earnest. She had thought that she could at least be stoic tonight and give him what he wanted, but now she was ruining that plan as well.
He stroked her hair and her back with his large warm hands.
“You know I will not hurt you? You know that I only want to please you,” he murmured. “To make you feel good.”
She nodded because she had never expected anything else from him. He was patient and gentle with her, but he did not seem to understand that she was crying over the heartbreak that would one day befall her. One day very soon.
“It was a mistake on my part to assume that you would be ready to sleep with me,” he murmured against her temple, then placed a gentle kiss there. “I should have known that you needed time.” He placed another kiss on her forehead now. “I will give you all the time you need.” He kissed her other temple.
Cecilia did not dare to breathe at the feel of his kisses. They felt just as great as they had two days ago, but she knew there could be nothing behind them. This was what he did, what he excelled at. Coaxing women into his bed.
She dried her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffled a little.
“It’s fine. I’m fine,” she murmured. “It’s just nerves. I... I would like to do it.”
Archie sat completely still.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea. We should wait, at least until tomorrow.”
Cecilia inhaled deeply. She had been prepared for this the whole day. She could not handle having to go through this tomorrow as well.
“No,” she said in a low voice as she looked at him. “I demand that we consummate the marriage tonight. I do not want to wait.”
***
Archie took in her tear-streaked cheeks and her still wet eyes. The sadness in them, but also the determination. It seemed she was sincere that she wanted him to bed her tonight.
Yet there was nothing he wanted less in the moment. He wanted to comfort her and protect her. To reassure her over and over again that this would be a great experience for them both when it finally happened. But that he was also willing to wait. That she had nothing to prove.
“We should wait,” he said gently again. “You... you do not seem like yourself tonight, Cecilia.”
He fought the urge to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. He did not want to muddle his words with caresses that might be misunderstood.
She looked at him with hurt in her eyes.
“Do you not even want me tonight? On our wedding night?”
Her bottom lip was quivering again, and Archie did not know how to comfort her. His desire for her seemed to scare her but she interpreted him saying that they should wait as a rejection.
Archie rubbed his forehead, and a frustrated sound left his lips before he was able to halt it. This was not how he had planned to spend the night. He had been looking forward to this... since he met her, he realized. Knowing her better had only fueled his desire for her. He had thought that she desired him as well, especially after their kiss two days ago. Perhaps it had simply been her wrath with her father that had shone through as lust. His stomach felt leaden at the thought that she might not even desire him.
With an annoyed sound, she sprang from the bed and marched towards the door to her room and Archie realized he had not answered her question.
“I do want you, Cecilia,” he exclaimed as he quickly stood and took three long strides towards her then stopped before he reached her. “Just not... when you’re crying.” Wait, that had come out wrong. “What I mean is...”
“I understand perfectly, what you mean, Archie.” Cecilia’s gray eyes had a steely quality that he was almost certain was able to maim. “You are right. We should wait. I will sleep in my own room, and I would appreciate it if you do not disturb me.”
With those words, she spun towards the door and all but slammed it behind her. Archie stared at it. His instinct was to follow her, but he halted with his hand on the doorknob. He was quite certain that if he did, they would either start screaming at each other or she would begin to cry again. Perhaps it was best to let her rest and talk about it more calmly in the morning.
He had left his tumbler of brandy on the side table by the fire. He quickly drained it as he reached it and just as speedily refilled it.
Much later, he retired to bed after several glasses of brandy – in the end he had not bothered with rising to refill it but simply took the decanter to the side table and sat staring into the fire. When he turned on his side and his nose hit the pillow, the scent of vanilla and cinnamon hit him so strongly that he for a moment thought that Cecilia was lying right next to him in the dark. He ran his hand over the linen where she had lain hours ago. They had long since gone cold, yet just the thought that she had been in his bed, even momentarily, made him go hard despite his drunken state.