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Despite their talk the previous night, Cecilia had expected Archie to knock on her door the next morning and for them to head down to breakfast together. He often rose late and since she had been up half the night thinking over their conversation from yesterday so had she today.
But after having been ready for a quarter hour, she gently knocked on Archie’s door, only to find that the sole occupant of his room was his valet, Peters. With one of Archie’s coats in his hand, Peters told her that Archie had gone to breakfast a couple of hours ago, then had come back to change into his riding attire.
Cecilia thanked him and embarked on the long walk to the morning room. She tried to reason with herself that this was not a betrayal on Archie’s part, even though it felt like it. His family was her family now as well and she had every right to be here.
Despite her own talk she still felt a bit hesitant about entering the morning room. As it turned out only Millie, Hester and Edwina was there. She greeted them in a subdued voice to not interrupt their conversation and immediately went to the buffet to fill her plate. Having slept so late, she was ravenously hungry.
Millie indicated the seat next to her with a smile. Cecilia sat down and started eating as she listened to their conversation.
“He has kept us up most of the night. I’m surprised Henry had the energy to go riding this morning,” Edwina told them and stifled a yawn behind her hand. Cecilia assumed that she was talking about her infant son. "I don’t understand how you managed it six times, Millie,” she said in a familiar tone that showed that the two women knew each other well.
As the future heir, Henry and his family lived in Camborne House in London along with the Duke and Duchess. Or Millie and Charles as they had requested that Cecilia called them.
“Well, I had a nurse who stayed with them during the night,” Millie answered and looked a bit put out by this. “That was how it was done back then,” she said as if she needed to defend herself.
Truth be told, not all women – or men – wanted their infant children in the bedroom like Edwina and Henry did. Cecilia admired Edwina’s approach to bringing up her children herself. It could be due to Edwina's unconventional upbringing. Her father might be an earl, but her mother was a former courtesan that had grown up in the East End.
“I think I would still prefer a wetnurse,” Hester chimed in. “Not sleeping through the night through years on end sounds positively maddening.”
Cecilia would have thought that this put Edwina off, but the tall, brown-haired woman only laughed.
“Well, having children is positively maddening. It has happened more than once that I cannot remember whether I have cleaned my teeth in the morning. And I have been late for dinner on more than one occasion because I thought I could manage a short nap before changing and then ended up sleeping for hours.”
Millie smiled at this comment, while it made Hester look a bit sick. Or perhaps she simply was sick. Cecilia’s older sister Cynthia had practically thrown up nonstop through the first three months of all four of her pregnancies.
“If you will excuse me,” Hester murmured and hasted from the table. Her departure was not commented on, but Cecilia saw Millie and Edwina exchange a look. Clearly, they suspected as well.
“Did Archie go riding with the Marquis... Henry, I mean?” Cecilia asked.
She was not certain what to do with the information, but she liked knowing where he was.
“No, he received a letter. He had to go into the village to take care of a matter. He did not say when he would be back, but surely it cannot be any later than this afternoon,” Millie answered.
Cecilia nodded as she tried not to let the disappointment that Archie had not even left a note for her show.
“If you have nothing to do, I would love some company with the baby. He is with the nanny now, but if I know him at all, he will want to be fed then walked to sleep afterwards,” Edwina told her with a tired smile.
Spending what was left of the morning with Edwina and the baby sounded quite pleasurable but during her tossing and turning this night, an idea had occurred to Cecilia. One that required her to talk to Hester. Well, technically Edwina would have the same knowledge but since Cecilia knew Hester better, she felt more comfortable talking to her. She wished that one of her sisters were here and could help guide her, but as it was, she would have to make do with Hester.
“Actually, there was a matter that I wanted to discuss with Lady Hester... Hester. But afterwards I will come find you,” she told Edwina.
Her new sister told her to find her in one of the upstairs parlors and Millie advised her to look for Hester in her study.
Cecilia had not anticipated the rush of emotion walking down the hallway towards the study gave her. The buttered toast she had just ate sat right at the back of her throat, waiting to be hurled up. At least she could be certain that this feeling was not due to morning sickness.
She was relieved to find Hester alone in her study. She was sitting behind her desk and looked confused and a bit annoyed when Cecilia entered.
“Yes?” she asked in a tone that strove to be friendly but missed by several marks.
“Well,” Cecilia began and clasped her hands as she looked around the room. Several stuffed birds were looking down at her from the top of bookcase, as if they too were waiting for her response.
Now that she was here it was much more difficult to broach the topic than she had expected. Archie was right: It was easier to talk about these things in the dark. Even though it could be difficult even then.
“Well,” she started again.
She could simply wait until she and Archie reached London, she interrupted herself. One of her sisters had to be there. And it had to be one of her sisters, because even though she also had good friends that she could ask, she was not certain that they would be able to hide the fact that Cecilia had not consummated her marriage yet.
But this could not wait another couple of weeks. The image of Archie in only his shirtsleeves and pantaloons from last night shimmered for her inner eye despite her trying to focus on Hester. She had been close to throwing all caution to the wind yesterday and ask Archie to join her in the bed. “I need some advice.”
Hester did not say anything but raised an eyebrow in a questioning manner, a mannerism that was eerily similar to that of her brother, and indicated a chair that was placed in front of the table. Cecilia sat down while wondering who exactly Hester had meetings with in here. As far as Cecilia knew, Hester was working on a thesis on kingfishers based on her own observations in the surrounding area.
“Am I right to assume that you and Flint have in fact... preempted the wedding night?” Cecilia said and could feel herself flush. She had not dared to meet Hester’s eyes but as the other continued to be silent, Cecilia looked up to find a pale Hester staring straight at her.
“Who... How... No... Well, yes, you are certainly wrong,” Hester stammered.
Everything in Cecilia told her to apologize and retreat from the room, but her desire to finally dig herself out of the mess she had created was greater. She squared her shoulders as she looked straight at Hester and said:
“I know you are with child.”
“You can’t possibly...” Hester blurted before she looked away with an expression on her face as if she was going to be sick.
“You have gained a little weight, your skin has a certain glow to it, and you looked unwell during breakfast. All clear indications that you are in fact with child,” Cecilia told her.
She paused for a moment to see Hester’s reaction as the truth dawned on her.
“I’m not faulting you for it,” Cecilia hastily added. “You and Flint will be married in only a couple of days. I doubt anyone outside of the family will even suspect...”
“Outside?” Hester breathed and Cecilia could see fear in her eyes.
“I am fairly certain that at least your mother and the marchioness... Edwina suspect as well,” Cecilia told her while desperately trying to find a way to move the conversation in the direction that she had originally been hoping. She had not figured that Hester would be this upset by the pregnancy being discovered.
“Flint cannot know,” Hester exclaimed and rose from her chair. Cecilia jumped in front of her and intercepted her before she reached the door.
“I am certain no one would tell him. Please sit down, there is no reason to be upset.” Cecilia gently led Hester back to her chair. The other woman was looking into the distance with an almost pained expression on her face.
“It’s only been two weeks since I missed my monthlies. I thought I could hide it for at least another couple of months. Perhaps even more.” It sounded more like she was talking to herself than to Cecilia.
Nevertheless, Cecilia knelt in front of her, and gently took one of her hands in hers.
“Why would you hide it? I am certain Flint would be delighted.” She smiled slightly but it did nothing to relieve the tense look on Hester’s face.
“He will be livid. Don’t you understand? He will be upset and anxious all through the pregnancy and birth.” Hester was speaking directly to her now. “Don’t you know him at all? He is certain that his wife will suffer the same fate as his mother.”
Flint had never spoke of his mother while they were courting. Nor about his father for that matter. What she knew about Flint’s parents was only what her mother had told her: That Flint’s mother had died giving birth to her fourth child, that also died at birth. Flint’s father had not been able to cope with the grief but had been drinking, gambling and to all extents living a reckless lifestyle until the day he crashed his carriage into a tree during a race. It was why Flint had inherited the title at only six and twenty.
“I am certain you are mistaken,” Cecilia soothed her before she had time to think her words through. Because truth be told, Hester probably knew Flint better than she did.
“I am not.” Hester’s tone was bitter. “Why did you think he chose you to begin with? I don’t mean to be cruel, but he knew that if you died in childbirth, it would not destroy him as it had destroyed his father.”
Cecilia let go of Hester’s hand and sat back on her haunches. Her mouth had fallen open, but no words came out. She had never given much thought as to why Flint had chosen her. She had just been grateful that he had. If someone had pressed her on the issue, she would have said that it was probably due to her background, her dowry and that they got on well despite not being in love.
What Hester had divulged was unsettling. That Flint had thought her... dispensable somehow. That her life did not matter as much as Hester’s.
“Please don’t fault him for it. The notion is absolutely ridiculous. And it is not as if he would have wanted you to die,” Hester pleaded with her.
Would Archie grieve her death if she died given birth to his child? Or would he be relieved? Cecilia rose slowly, feeling the overwhelming urge to be alone.
“I’m sorry, Cecilia. I did not mean to upset you. Only to demonstrate how ingrained this idea is in Flint and why it is important that he does know that I am expecting. I want us to be able to enjoy the first months of our marriage without this weighing down on us.”
“Of course,” Cecilia muttered reflexively. She desperately wished to be alone. In her room. Hiding under the covers of her bed.
“Why did you come to talk to me? Did you have another errand than bringing up... my condition?”
Cecilia stared blankly at Hester as she tried to remember why she had sought her out. Why she had brought up the pregnancy in the first place.
“I... I wanted your advice,” she said and tried to steel herself. “About... well, what happens between men and women.”
“From me?” Hester exclaimed and Cecilia could tell that she had to catch herself before she laughed. “But you are already married?”
“Nevertheless,” Cecilia muttered and sent her a pleading look. If Hester could not help her, she would have to wait until they travelled to London in a couple of weeks. But to tiptoe around Archie seemed just as disquieting as the thought that he might not mourn her death at all.
“I don’t know how much I can tell you,” Hester said pensively and walked away from her. Cecilia could feel her heart sinking in her chest. “But before my first season, my mother gave me this pamphlet.” She took a large brown leather-bound book from the bookcase and opened it. From within, she withdrew a dark purple pamphlet. “I hope you might be able to find some answers in there.”
She handed the pamphlet to Cecilia who turned it over to read the title: “A Guide of Marital Relations for the New Bride.”
Cecilia doubted that it contained information on how to guard your heart while consummating your marriage, but she placed it in the pocket of her dress any way, thanked Hester and hurried to her room.