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Cecilia’s fingers, toes and nose were freezing. She pulled the shawl tighter around her head and stuck her hands into her armpits. The November wind felt as if it swept through her. She strode forward, aiming for the lake house by the lake; she had to be able to seek shelter there for a couple of hours at least, before having to retire to her room again.
The wood of the door seemed to have expanded due to the damp weather and she had to put her shoulder to it to be able to enter. When she was finally inside, she was not able to close it properly. Cecilia found a chair and dragged it in front of the door to keep it closed.
The room was large and light despite the gray weather outside. She could easily see how it would be a pleasant space to relax and spend time together in the summer. Archie had told her how his family and the Winterbottoms would meet each summer in either of their estates. She could imagine how the adults would be relaxing inside while the children would be playing all around. The oldest teaching the youngest to sail with ships or fish in the lake. Archie would probably be teasing his nieces and nephews while enjoying their undivided attention.
Cecilia sighed audibly. If they were not able to resolve the matters between them, she could not envision participating in such a gathering. Next spring Archie’s child would be born, and the small child would be given away without either of its parents wanting it. Cecilia sat down on a lounger by the window, then spotted a chest of drawers that might contain blankets or pillows. She opened it and was happy to discover both inside. She made a nest on the lounger and lay down, crossing her arms as she once again thought of the unborn child.
She could not blame the actress for not wanting to take care of a child. Both she and the child would bear the stigma of the child being born out of wedlock, and besides Lavinia did not exactly seem as if she was in a place where she wanted a child. If she was the type of woman that ever would.
No, her qualms were not with the actress. They were with Archie. For some reason, his actions towards her had led her to believe that he cared for others besides himself. Which frankly had made her hope that he was able to care for her as well. At least as a friend. Or something of the sort.
But he seemed even more indifferent towards the child despite being its father. Which could only make her wonder whether he would be just as indifferent if he fathered a child with her. Even if that seemed unlikely.
Cecilia closed her eyes and sighed again. Her thoughts were a mess she could not make sense of. The only thing she knew was that she wanted something from Archie that he seemed unable to give her and she was too embarrassed to admit it and too tired to have the conversation with him. Which was why she kept postponing it when he asked to speak to her. She needed to know what she felt about the situation. Exactly how much she felt comfortable to demand from him before they spoke together. She recognized that they needed to have the conversation soon. Being separated from him was eating at her, but until she knew her mind, it made little sense to discuss the matter.
The chair scraped over the floor and Cecilia sat up startled. The light had changed, and she realized that she must have fallen asleep. It explained the coldness and soreness in her body and her confused state.
She squinted her eyes at the door and saw her mother-in-law enter along with an elegantly dressed lady, that Cecilia recognized as Lady Lindley. Edwina’s mother.
“Oh, sweetheart, have you been sleeping here?” her mother-in-law cooed and came to Cecilia’s side, stroking her cheek briefly then seemingly thinking that she might be overstepping a line. Cecilia closed her eyes as she wished Millie would continue. Her own mother was not one to show physical affection. She had seen that Millie would more moderately, a pat on the hand or arm, a squeeze of the hand.
“I was just resting,” Cecilia muttered and did not meet either of their eyes.
“Being newlywed can be hard,” Lady Lindley offered emphatically and came to stand behind Millie.
“What do you know? You were pregnant and in love, that hardly constitutes hardship in my book,” Millie commented in a teasing voice that Cecilia had not heard her use before.
“Your difficulties do not have to lie in the man you chose, but the circumstances. Let me remind you that until Edwina married Henry five years ago, many people still turned their backs on us,” Lady Lindley told them as if this was an everyday subject.
Cecilia had not been out when Henry and Edwina had met and married each other within the span of a fortnight, but she had heard the rumors and knew that it had been the scandal of the season. Not least because Henry’s father had had an affair with Lady Lindley before she married the earl.
“Right,” Millie told her mildly and smiled at her friend. She turned towards Cecilia again. “If you need someone to talk to, I would be very happy and honored if you would talk to me.”
Her gloved hand came to rest on Cecilia’s. Cecilia smiled appreciatively even though she knew that she could never confide the matter in Millie.
“Or me,” Lady Lindley cut in. “Not all things are meant for your mother-in-law’s ears.”
Cecilia looked at the other woman for the first time. Among the many rumors of her was that she had given people advice on the more intimate aspects of their lives before she married.
The woman’s dark brown eyes met hers with an unwavering gaze that immediately made Cecilia trust her.
“I am very good at keeping a secret. Is that not so, Millie?” Lady Lindley nudged Millie’s shoulder.
“I suppose in most aspects, yes.”
“In all those that matter, surely. Both of you would be shocked by the secrets people have shared with me over the years.” Lady Lindley smiled secretively as she stated this.
Millie and Cecilia exchanged a gaze and when Millie’s lips curled, Cecilia could not help but smile as well.
“Do you wish to speak to Lady Lindley, my dear? I can attest to the fact that it can be very helpful. Archie’s father and I once had some troubles and Lady Lindley helped us resolve them.”
Cecilia looked at Lady Lindley again. Something about the middle-aged woman made her certain that she would keep her secret, but Cecilia was not used to confiding them in others.
“Perhaps...” she began but trailed off.
Lady Lindley nudged Millie’s shoulder again and she rose and moved aside. Lady Lindley took her vacated seat.
“I will meet you in the greenhouse in half an hour. Perhaps more if Lady Archibald has a lot on her mind,” she told Mille over her shoulder.
“There is no need to rush on my part. Take as much time as you need, Darling.” Millie gave Cecilia an encouraging smile and a small nod. Along with her endearment, it made Cecilia feel a bit warmer. She returned the smile and watched Millie leave the lake house.
“Now,” Lady Lindley said, as the door was somewhat closed, and they could see Millie walking in the direction of the hothouses. “Usually, people would confide their problems in me of their own accord, but back then, they were also paying me to help them solve their problems. Since you have not, I will not expect you to simply tell me what the matter is. Unless you want to of course?” she added with a beaming smile.
Cecilia shrugged and felt like curling into herself. She had no idea what to say. In many ways, it did not even feel like her secret to tell, which was also part of the problem, was it not? Since she wanted Archie to consider her opinion as well.
“I don’t know...” she muttered.
Lady Lindley made a sound that told Cecilia she was considering the matter.
“If I tell you a secret of my own, will you then tell me one of yours? I promise it will be a salacious one and not some lame old woman’s secret like I took two cakes at tea yesterday or whatnot.”
Cecilia thought she had made her face expressionless, but it was clearly showing more than she had intended to give away because Lady Lindley laughed and said:
“Not that salacious. Heavens, woman I am five and fifty. You don’t continue to climb around on the furniture in athletic positions and have an insatiable desire.”
Cecilia coughed since her immediate reaction had been to laugh. Despite having consummated her marriage only a week ago, she recognized some of the athleticism that Lady Lindley spoke of. She blushed at the memory. It seemed impossible that it would be as easy between Archie and her as it had been for those perfect days of their marriage.
Lady Lindley chuckled.
“I see you know what I am speaking of. Well, do we have a deal? I have no interest in divulging my secrets only to have you refuse afterward.”
Cecilia bit her lip and considered the other woman’s suggestion.
“The duchess... Millie can never know. Not that I do not like her. I am already very fond of her, but...”
“She is your mother-in-law,” Lady Lindley stated in a voice that managed to be both neutral and knowing.
Cecilia gave her a small smile and nodded.
“I promise that I will never tell Millie or anyone else for that matter.”
Cecilia thought for another moment. It seemed impossible that the other woman might offer advice that she could use, yet she had no idea how to heave herself from the mess that her marriage and thus her life had become.
“Fine,” she muttered and held out her gloved her. Lady Lindley looked at it for a moment, then grinned and shook it.
“Well, do you know the pamphlet ‘A Guide of Marital Relations for the New Bride’?” she asked conspiratorially.
Cecilia nodded and fought not to blush.
“I wrote it,” the other woman practically beamed.
Cecilia looked stunned at her for a moment.
“You?” she finally asked, since it seemed Lady Lindley was waiting for her to speak.
Lady Lindley nodded proudly.
“Have you read it? Did you find it informative?” she asked curiously.
Cecilia refused to answer this but thought about the implications of what Lady Lindley had told her. Despite Lady Lindley being a scandalous character, she was right that if it became public knowledge that she was the author behind the pamphlet, it might very well destroy all the good-will that Edwina’s marriage to Henry had given the family.
“That is indeed... a salacious secret,” she murmured as she was already thinking of how she could formulate her own issue.
“I think I might just be expecting too much from my husband,” she muttered since this seemed both true and diplomatic enough at the same time.
“You can call him Archie while we speak. There is no need to keep to formalities. How exactly are you expecting too much from him?” Lady Lindley leaned forward a little. Her brazenness was gone now and there was an almost professional, yet compassionate air around her, if it was even possible. Sort of like a doctor, Cecilia supposed.
Cecilia bit her lower lip. Her chest felt tight with the words she wished to confide yet was not certain she dared voice. After she had been silent for what seemed like minutes, she looked up to find Lady Lindley’s warm eyes on her. The woman was simply offering her the chance to say whatever she wanted, whereas everyone else would have filled the silence long ago.
“I want him to love me,” she finally whispered and squirmed in her seat.
“Of course, you do,” Lady Lindley stated softly and took hold of her hand. They were both wearing gloves, but the touch was still comforting. “What makes you believe that he does not?”
Cecilia stared bewildered at her for a moment.
“I assume you know his reputation, Lady Lindley, and I mean... look at him. He is probably the most handsome man I have ever seen. And so charming... and I am just me,” she stumbled on the words towards the end, making her sound almost as if she was choking on them.
“Yes, you are you. But we do not love people because they are handsome or charming. That is merely what might attract us to them in the first place. Not what makes us fall in love with them.”
Cecilia looked away from the other woman as she contemplated this. Yes, Archie was more than this. So much more.
“Are you in love with him?” Lady Lindley asked gently.
Cecilia took a deep breath before answering.
“I believe so,” she whispered.
“Why?”
She was glad that she had had a few moments to think the matter over, which meant that she already had several responses ready.
“I like how responsible he is. You would not think it if you do not know him or have only heard the stories about him. But he cares deeply about his estate and his tenants. I even think that the past few weeks that we have been living at Farleigh Cottage have been good for him. He is constantly talking about changes and improvements that he wants to make...” She trailed off and sent Lady Lindley a sheepish look. She had let herself be carried away by the image of an enthusiastic and engaged Archie.
Lady Lindley sent her a small smile.
“Continue,” she said softly.
“I like how caring and attentive he is. Towards his siblings for example. And Lady Granville. He might treat her as if he dislikes her, but it shines through how much he thinks of her.”
“And what about you? Does he care about you? Show you attention?”
“I...” Cecilia blushed as she thought of how attentive he was in the bedroom, always putting her needs first. She would certainly miss that part of their marriage.
“Outside of the bedroom.” Lady Lindley smiled without any judgment.
Cecilia tried to think of a situation where Archie had shown that he cared about her. All she could think of was how uncaring of him it had been to hide Lavinia’s pregnancy from her.
“I suppose that is some of the problem. He was quite caring before we married. We became friends of a sort. I suppose going away with me after I discovered what happened between Flint and Hester was also a sign that he cared about me and my feelings, but...” Cecilia sighed.
“What were you going to say?” Lady Lindley asked after a moment.
Cecilia rubbed her eyes and kept her face hidden in her hands as she spoke.
“I don’t know.” She lowered her hands and looked at Lady Lindley. “I don’t know how to be married to him, which I suppose is the problem. I hate that he will tire of me at some point, that he does not include me in decision-making, that he... that he is always so collected, never rattled by what is happening between us. Every time I’m with him and he is good and caring, I feel I fall for him even more, and he is just... it does not change him to be with me. I am like all the women he has been with up until now, and at some point, he will leave me and find a mistress.”
She briefly remembered his words of partnership that he had uttered before they had first truly been together, but she had come to doubt whether he had even meant those. She started sobbing quietly at the thought that he had deliberately lied to her.
“You cannot know any of that,” Lady Lindley stated calmly, once again taking her hand. “I realize that these are concerns of yours, and I do not want to belittle them, but we cannot live our lives based on what we fear might happen. This might happen or it might not.”
“Then how do I prevent it from happening? Somehow, I cannot be what he wants me to be.”
“What does he want you to be?” Lady Lindley asked.
Cecilia thought about it.
“I suspect someone who does not mettle in his affairs. Not literally, at least not yet but...” She bit her lip again. She could not avoid talking about the baby if she were to receive honest advice from Lady Lindley and she desperately wanted to. The woman had a way of remaining calm and listening to her without offering advice on how to solve her problems, which was soothing and comforting. Cecilia’s mother would have come up with ten different ideas by now on how to keep Archie’s interest.
Calming herself with a deep breath, she looked the other woman in the eye:
“You have to promise not to say this to Millie or the duke,” she told her solemnly.
“I already have,” Lady Lindley stated with a small smile. “What you say to me stays between us.”
Cecilia nodded, then looked at the door, just to be certain that no one was lurking there.
“Archie had an affair with an actress before we married. She is carrying his child. They are trying to find a solution and have been meeting at the inn in the village. He kept it a secret and it just... I was so hurt and angry when I found out,” Cecilia whispered the last words, feeling that they were almost forbidden to say.
She looked expectantly at the countess. She had not shown any sign of being surprised and looked to be merely mulling the matter over.
“You knew?” Cecilia asked horrified. One thing was that Archie had kept it a secret from her, but it felt like being betrayed all over again if others knew as well.
“What? No. I had no idea. I sensed that you were hiding something, and I cannot say that it comes as a shock that a man with Archie’s reputation has sired a child out of wedlock.” She paused for a moment. “Am I understanding you correctly that this is the reason for your falling out?”
“No, it’s...” Cecilia started before she had a chance to think. “Well, before I knew, I thought I could simply take whatever he wanted to give me and hope to protect my heart as much as possible. I thought we were moving in the direction I wanted: With him at least caring for me and me being...”
“What?”
“Being able to keep him satisfied,” she whispered and blushed deeply.
Lady Lindley waved it away as if it was nothing.
“I would like to insert that it is not your job to keep him satisfied, that is his own. But please go on, how did discovering that he has impregnated an actress change the course of your marriage to the point where you are sleeping in separate rooms and not talking to each other?”
Cecilia was quiet again while she thought, and Lady Lindley let her. It was astonishing to speak to a person who did not rush her or try to tell her what to think.
“At first, I thought he was having an affair. When I discovered the truth, it just... hurt. He had thought to keep the entire matter a secret from me. As if he assumed I could not offer any advice on how to handle it. And then...” She gulped. “The way he spoke about the child. It was so detached. For both of them. I mean, it will be a living, breathing child of his blood. For me, it does not matter that it was not born within wedlock. It will be an actual person... and he did not seem to care.”
Cecilia was silent while she tried to control her emotions.
“I think I was shocked because I had at least assumed that he would care about the children we have. Like I have seen him care about others. But this made me question that. And then... I feel so angry and hurt that he did not ask for my advice. As if I could not offer any.” Cecilia stroked her arms and shoulders; it was partway a soothing manner to calm herself and partway to rub warmth into her cold skin. Despite the blankets and her many layers of clothing, she was starting to feel the cold.
“Have you told him any of this?” Lady Lindley asked, again so gently, so unjudgmentally that it seemed incredible that a person such as her could exist in a world where everyone was busy telling each other how to live their lives.
“Not as such,” Cecilia muttered and avoided her gaze. “Last time we spoke, we argued, and then I have refused to see him.”
She thought Lady Lindley might comment on it. Might tell her that obviously she needed to speak to Archie about how she felt. But it was easier said than done. Instead, Lady Lindley surprised her by asking:
“What would you have advised him to do if he had sought your council?”
Cecilia shrugged.
Part of her problem was that she had no answer to this. She had been so preoccupied with being angry at Archie for not asking for her advice, that she had not really come up with a plan to solve the problem. Lavinia wanted to place the child with a good family. A decision that Cecilia condoned heartily. Even though she did not understand how the woman was prepared to give her unborn child away, she felt that Lavinia at least was decent enough to secure its future properly. She was not simply going to leave it in an orphanage or even worse a gutter.
But finding a family that would care for the child, preferably telling everyone that it was their own, was not easy. At least Archie had indicated as much although Cecilia did not know to what lengths he had gone to find one.
She rubbed her forehead and sighed. Perhaps she would have been able to offer no help at all. She just wished that the child was properly taken care of. By a loving family. If it would not cause a scandal, she might even have suggested that she and Archie took the child in as a ward. If she had conceived one of the times she had slept with Archie, the children would have been born only months apart and would have grown up together. If not, she would at least have the child to care for when Archie tired of her. It might be Archie’s child by another woman, but she felt certain that she could love it.
A small smile tugged at her lips, and she looked up, surprised that Lady Lindley was still sitting in front of her.
“You have found a solution, it seems,” Lady Lindley said with a smile that seemed almost proud.
“Well, sort of, there is still the issue of legitimacy...” Cecilia began but then interrupted herself: “My aunt Elizabeth in Portsmouth!” she exclaimed as she realized that her aunt might be the perfect option to pass the child off as legitimate.
Her impoverished aunt who had run away with a groomsman would probably welcome any money. Archie could pay them for pretending that the child was theirs. When the time came, Lavinia and Aunt Elizabeth would go away together and Aunt Elizabeth would return to Portsmouth, claiming that her niece had very graciously offered to take in the child since a fifteenth child simply would be too much for them. Aunt Elizabeth was a couple of years younger than her mother, which put her in the middle of her forties. She had had twins only two years ago, so it would not be that out of the question that they had yet another child. Would it?
“Do you think it is completely unbelievable that a woman of four or five and forty has a child?” she asked Lady Lindley, then realized that the other was in no way privy to her line of thinking. This did not seem to perturb the other woman.
“Has she had other children, this forty-four-year-old woman?” she only asked with a smile.
Cecilia nodded enthusiastically.
“Fourteen. She had twins only two years ago.”
“Then I think it is very plausible that she would have another child now.” Lady Lindley’s smile spread. “If you want to explain it to me, I will of course listen, but it seems more pressing that you talk to your husband.”
Cecilia jumped from the lounger, the blanket landing on the floor.
“Thank you, Lady Lindley,” she exclaimed and pressed the other woman’s hands between both of hers, then turned and ran towards the estate.