‘I just hope there won’t be a strike,’ Lainie said. ‘Not in the middle of your show, Amy. After all your careful planning it would just be the end.’
‘My show, as you call it, is weeks away,’ I said and smiled at her. ‘Don’t worry so much. I’m sure all this talk of a general strike will blow over. After all, the miners have had strikes before.’
‘But the mood is so bitter. Harold doesn’t agree with you. He thinks we’re in for a lot of trouble this time.’
‘John thinks the same, actually. But he’s promised he’ll be out there driving buses or trams if need be.’
In the past year or so, John Fisher and I had become good friends. We had settled our differences at Lainie’s wedding. Since then he had become a regular visitor. We went out together, sometimes as part of the crowd and sometimes as a couple.
John had introduced me to a lot of new friends, and my life could have been one social whirl if I hadn’t been so busy with my work. I still saw Jane and Millie occasionally, and I’d made a lot of new friends of my own. Life was good for me, my time filled from morning till night. I suppose I was one of the Flappers, those bright young things that flitted through the twenties without a care. At least that was the image I seemed to have carved for myself.
‘Is John driving you down to see Mary this weekend?’
‘Yes. He offered to take me. He has been teaching me to drive and it will give me an opportunity to practise. Besides, he seems to like Mary. They spend a lot of time talking together and she always looks forward to his visits.’
‘I do hope he isn’t getting too interested in her.’
‘He likes her as a friend. Mary has shown no sign of wanting to leave the nuns, Lainie. I don’t think either of them has considered marriage, if that’s what’s worrying you.’
‘It would worry me if I thought they had,’ she admitted. ‘I know you think I’m being unfair but she’s still his daughter and with her family history – well, I would rather John wasn’t too involved with her.’
‘Don’t you think it’s time you forgot all that?’
‘Have you?’ She made a sound of disgust as I turned away to fiddle with a dress I had been displaying on a mannequin. ‘No, don’t try to put me off, Amy. Bridget was telling me that you’re still refusing to even think of marriage. It’s more than two and a half years since it happened.’
‘Matthew doesn’t mind waiting a bit longer.’
‘But is it fair to him? You weren’t raped, Amy. You just had an unpleasant experience. Believe me, what happened to you was nothing.’
‘That’s a bit harsh. You don’t know how it made me feel. It was ages before I could get it out of mind. I felt so dirty.’
There had been other reasons for my state of mind, but I didn’t remind Lainie. I believed my mother had told her that Mary had killed her own father, but Lainie had never mentioned it to me.
We were alone in the shop. Lainie had come up to town on one of her rare visits and we’d been discussing the small fashion show I had planned to put on in the shop at the end of May.
I wasn’t important enough to put on a large show at a special venue as some of the top designers did, but I had a steady stream of customers wanting to buy my clothes and I’d planned a little show as a thank you to them. We had six girls in the workroom now. Margaret was head of the department. She and Terry had become engaged at Christmas but were not planning to marry for a year, which would give me plenty of time to replace her.
‘Terry won’t want me to work when we’re married, and I’d like to have children fairly soon. But until then I want to continue helping build up the business,’ she had confided shyly.
‘Are you listening to me, Amy?’ Lainie sounded impatient. ‘Leave that dress and come into the office. I want to talk to you.’
I followed her inside. She took the bottle of good sherry we kept for special customers and poured us both a glass, drinking hers straight down.’
‘Is something wrong, Lainie?’
‘I’ve never told you all of my story. I’ve never told anyone but Bridget – and she told Joe when it became necessary. But I’ve decided you should know the whole truth. Perhaps I should have told you years ago.’
I sat down in silence. This had to be important.
‘You knew that a man led me astray, and I expect you’ve realized that man was Philip Maitland. He promised me the Earth, Amy, and like a fool I believed him. I was promised to wed a good man but I wanted more than he could give me. I was going to work in a classy nightclub as a hostess and maybe become an actress. I had big dreams.’
‘But he let you down and you had John. You told me you were bitter for a long time.’
‘It wasn’t because I had the baby.’ Lainie took a deep breath then picked up the sherry glass I hadn’t touched and drank the contents. ‘Maitland seduced me but then he told me I had to pay for all the things he’d given me. I had to sleep with other men, men he owed favours to – rich old men who wanted a willing girl but not a prostitute.’
‘Oh, Lainie! No!’ I stared at her in dismay. I’d had no idea. ‘What on earth did you do?’
‘I refused. I was a fool but I wasn’t a slut. He had me locked in a room and he set his apes on me. I was raped and beaten until I stopped trying to resist. After that there were so many men that I lost count. In the end one of them got careless and I escaped. I went back to Bridget and she took me in. I was pregnant and I’d lost my pride. I let myself go. I couldn’t bear to be touched, even by my sister. I quarrelled with her and my mother. Ma died after our last row and I stole money from Bridget and ran away. I sank about as low as anyone can get.’
I sat in silence as Lainie finished, hardly able to think, let alone answer. To think that she had been through so much! It shocked me, filled me with pity.
‘So you see, I do know how you felt after he tried to rape you. It was years before I could look myself in the face, but gradually I began to fight back. I found a good job and I went to night school to educate myself. I learned to speak properly and I learned to live again. I even learned to love.’
‘You make me feel ashamed,’ I said, my throat tight with emotion. ‘I haven’t suffered at all compared to what you went through. I don’t know how you came back from all that. I think I should have wanted to just lie down and die.’
‘I’m not saying it was easy,’ Lainie said. ‘I’m not saying that what Maitland did to you was nothing. I know it shocked and hurt you, but you have to put it behind you. Don’t let what happened that night spoil your life, Amy. That way he wins.’
‘I think I have,’ I told her. ‘It isn’t just about what happened at Mary’s house that night. There was Paul and the way I felt about him – and my work. I’ve been so wrapped up in my work I haven’t had time to think about getting married.’
‘But work isn’t enough,’ Lainie said. ‘I know. I went down that road and it can be very lonely. My life has changed so much since I married Harold, and all for the better. I care for you, Amy. I just want you to be happy.’
‘I am happy, but I suppose it is time I talked to Matt. We’ve fallen into a comfortable rut. We go out three or four times a month, and we talk on the telephone. He seems quite content with the way things are. I’m not even sure that he still wants to marry me.’
‘Well, I’ve done what I can to make you see sense.’ She shrugged her shoulders. ‘Harold is waiting for me at the hotel. We’re going to see Noel Coward’s new play this evening. I’ll leave you to finish your work.’
‘Thank you for telling me your story, Lainie. I know it can’t have been easy for you.’
‘Bridget worries about you.’ She smiled and kissed my cheek. ‘Maybe we fuss too much. You’re young, beautiful and becoming famous. Who are we to tell you how to live your life?’
‘I shall talk to Matt when I see him. You know that he went up to Manchester for a couple of weeks?’ She nodded. ‘He wants to open a new branch of the business there and he was interviewing possible managers. I’m not the only one who works all the time. He has less time to spare than I do.’
‘Has it occurred to you that Matthew works so hard because he is lonely? He loves you, Amy. If you don’t want him you should let him go.’
I let my aunt out of the shop but I didn’t answer her. I felt vaguely guilty about Matthew and I knew I should make up my mind one way or the other. I couldn’t expect him to wait forever.
After Lainie had gone I finished my work then went upstairs to the flat, switching on the wireless. The news was not good. It sounded as though the strike might be happening soon. The TUC was talking about solidarity with the miners, which meant the country could soon be brought to a standstill.
Somehow the flat seemed empty that evening. I was aware of feeling lonely, of wishing that I had arranged to go out with friends. My plans had been to work on some sketches for a new range of afternoon dresses for the autumn, and an evening dress I had been asked for by a customer for a special occasion.
I did less of the embroidery myself these days. Sally’s cousin had proved invaluable, bringing in other girls with the skills I needed.
Everything had gone so well, my list of clients expanding so rapidly, that I had thrown myself into my work. The past two and a half years had flown by and I’d thought I was happy enough, my nightmares coming less and less frequently. When I thought about it, I hadn’t had one for months.
Lainie’s story had shocked me, woken me out of complacency, and made me aware that I was luckier than I had realized.
I still cared for Matthew, but recently I had taken him for granted. He was there when I wanted him, a loving, caring friend who asked for nothing but a little of my time. That wasn’t fair to him, and perhaps I ought to make a decision before it was too late.
I reached for the telephone, asking the operator for the number of the hotel where Matthew was staying.
‘May I help you, madam?’ the receptionist asked when I was put through.
‘I should like to speak to Mr Matthew Corder please. His room number is one hundred and fifteen, I think.’
‘Oh yes, I know Mr Corder. I’m sorry, madam I saw him go out a moment ago with his friend. I believe they mentioned the theatre.’
‘His friend? Are you sure you are thinking of the right person?’
‘Oh yes, I know Mr Corder well. He always has a nice smile and a friendly word, and he was with such a nice lady.’
‘I see. Thank you.’
‘Can I take a message for you?’
‘No, thank you. It wasn’t important.’
I replaced the receiver feeling cold all over. Matthew had gone to the theatre with a female friend. Perhaps I had already let things drift too long. Of course there was no reason why he shouldn’t see other friends. I had a lot of friends that I saw without Matthew, so of course he must have too. I was foolish to feel so let down, so annoyed. He had every right to see other people. But I had thought we told each other things. I certainly told him whenever I’d been out with John or my other friends. He hadn’t mentioned a lady in Manchester.
I walked into my bedroom and opened the wardrobe, lifting down the paint box that Paul had sent me as a parting gift. The fact that I’d received it the day after his death had given it extra significance and I had never been able to bring myself to use it. The paints were untouched, exactly as they were when he had sent it to me.
I stroked the top of the box with reverent fingers, then replaced it on the shelf. Paul was dead and life went on. My feelings of grief had long since dulled, leaving only a faint sadness when I thought of his wasted life.
My feelings for Paul were something I would never be able to explain – perhaps a part of finding myself, of discovering the woman who had been waiting to emerge. I had thrown myself into my work to forget all the pain and trauma of his death and what happened afterwards. Now I had to find the courage to move on.
John drove me down to see Mary that weekend. I took her some Fox’s Glacier Mints, which were her favourite sweets, and some fruit. John took her a magazine and a box of Fry’s chocolates. We went for a walk in the garden before tea, and they walked ahead of me most of the time, their arms linked. I thought Mary looked happy when we left her after tea.
On the way home I asked John if he had any thoughts of marrying her if she ever felt like leaving her refuge.
‘I do love her,’ he told me. ‘She is so gentle and good, but marriage is out of the question. Mary wants to stay where she feels safe. She loves the nuns and they are so good to her, bringing her back almost to what she must have been before her illness. I think she may decide to become one of them one day.’
‘Do you think she might? You didn’t know her before she was ill, John. She is much softer now – nicer really. I know she seems very happy these days, but I thought it might be because of you.’
‘No. We’re friends, nothing more. Mary understands that.’ He glanced at me and then back at the road, a little nerve flicking in his throat. ‘You don’t know, do you?’
‘Know what?’ I looked at him curiously.
John drew into a lay-by, stopped the car and turned to look at me.
‘I haven’t said anything because I didn’t think you were interested, but you’re the one I want to marry, Amy. I’ve been in love with you for ages. You probably don’t know this, but I went into your room before we even met and I touched things on your dressing table – some little pots. The room smelled of you, and it was so gorgeous that I couldn’t wait to meet you. I know you didn’t like me at first, but we’ve become friends now, haven’t we?’
‘Oh, John. Of course we’re friends,’ I said, feeling tears sting my eyes. I had thought such dreadful things about him at the start. I was glad that he had never known. ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea how you felt.’
‘I know. And I know you’re not in love with me. It doesn’t matter. I just want to be around you sometimes, to be your friend. I wouldn’t have said anything, but you asked … So now you know.’
‘I’m not sure what to say.’
‘Don’t say anything. I know I’m not the one.’
He started the car again and edged out into the road, which was free of traffic. The country lanes were often like this and we sometimes didn’t pass anything but a farm cart for miles. We wouldn’t hit any real traffic until we went through a town.
I was silent as he drove on. His announcement had shocked me and made me feel guilty. Was I so wrapped up in my work that I had stopped noticing the people around me? I should have realized how John felt. I had been using him just as I used Matthew and it wasn’t fair.
The first general strike in history was now official. A state of emergency had been called after talks broke down between the TUC and the government when printers at the Daily Mail refused to print a leading article entitled ‘FOR KING AND COUNTRY’. The country had been divided into areas run by Civil Commissioners as talk of a long struggle threw fear into the hearts of many. In south Wales, Yorkshire and Scotland the troops were called out, and there was talk of violence being used to break the strike.
London was in turmoil. The buses, some trains and lorries carrying essential foodstuffs were kept going by concerned citizens who felt it their duty to keep the country from grinding to a halt. From the first, men and women had queued to sign up as special volunteers to move essential supplies. Undergraduates, stockbrokers and barristers took the places of the workers, driving steam trains and lorries, and usually thought it a jolly lark to be doing such a vastly different job from their own.
‘It’s all such fun,’ Jane told me when she came into the shop a few days into the strike. ‘We’ve got a canteen going for the heroes who are keeping us afloat, Amy. I’ve been organizing it all, ordering the food and getting people together. We could do with some volunteers to help out in the evenings. I don’t suppose you would like to come and help?’
‘Yes, I could do that,’ I told her. ‘My cousin John has been manning food lorries with some others from his office. I know he’s working all hours, and he says that everyone is exhausted. The least I can do is serve at tables or something.’
‘Oh, that’s wonderful,’ she said. ‘A pretty face like yours always cheers people up … But now to what I really came in for. I’m putting on weight and I need some of my dresses letting out at the waist. Do you think you could do that for me, Amy?’
‘Yes, of course,’ I said. ‘Bring them in one or two at a time and Margaret will tell you if we can alter them successfully or not.’
She gave me a card with an address written on the back.
‘Come at about seven if you can, Amy. Most of our volunteers want to leave before then, because they have to get home to their husbands and families. That’s why I thought of you, because you don’t absolutely have to do anything in the evenings, do you?’
‘No. No, I don’t,’ I agreed ruefully, thinking of the designs I had planned to work on that evening. ‘Nothing that can’t keep for a while anyway.’
I was thoughtful during the day. First Lainie, and now Jane was telling me that my life was meaningless and empty. They were beginning to get to me, and I had been tempted to telephone Matthew again, but I was no longer sure that he would want to hear from me.
I dressed in a simple dark coat and dress that I thought suitable for serving at the canteen that evening. It was impossible to catch a bus and the taxis all had passengers, so I had to walk to the address Jane had given me, which fortunately took no more than half an hour.
She looked at me as I entered, glancing at her watch.
‘You’re a bit late, Amy.’
‘I had to walk. I didn’t realize the taxis were all so busy.’
‘Well, of course. Your trouble is that you don’t live in the real world. All you do is make those gorgeous dresses of yours and go to parties. I don’t suppose you’ve realized how terribly busy we all are trying to keep London from grinding to a standstill.’
I thought it was a bit rich of Jane, who probably hadn’t done a day’s work in her life before this, but I didn’t say anything, I merely listened to her instructions before I started to serve at tables. It was obvious that Jane was enjoying herself and liked her new sense of importance.
Some of the younger men joked with me as I served them their tea and hot food. One caught my hand and turned it up to look at the palms.
‘It’s a shame to spoil such lovely hands,’ he said with a cheeky grin. ‘Don’t you let them make you help with the washing-up, sweetheart.’
‘I’ll try to get out of that,’ I said and smiled.
John came in at about half past eleven. He saw me at once and his face lit up.
‘Amy, I didn’t know you were here.’
‘It’s my first time. I’ve been here since about a quarter to eight. I’m due to leave in half an hour when we close. I don’t think there’s much left in the way of food – perhaps a cheese roll?’
‘A cup of tea is all I need. I’ll hang on and take you home when you’ve finished,’ he said. ‘I don’t like you being out this late at night. We had a bit of trouble earlier in the evening. There was a fight and some of the men were hurt. I was at the hospital with one young lad, that’s why I’m so late.’
‘It’s nice for me that you were. I had to walk here and I wasn’t looking forward to the walk home.’
‘I’ve got my car. I almost went straight home, but then I was passing and I thought I would call in and see how things were going. This place has been a godsend to the lads. Meeting up here helps to keep them going.’
I smiled and went to fetch John his tea and the last remaining cheese roll. He drank the tea but left the roll, which had become a little stale.
‘I don’t think I fancy that,’ he said. ‘I’ll get something at home.’
‘I could make you an omelette if you like. I’m not a very good cook, John, but I can make simple things.’
‘That’s more than I can,’ he said. ‘My landlady usually cooks supper for me but I told her not to bother this evening. But you won’t want to go to all that trouble, Amy.’
‘After what you’ve been doing?’ I glanced at the empty tables. ‘I’ll just tell the others. I think we could close up now. I doubt we shall see any more customers this evening.’
John smiled and I went to get my coat as a sleepy woman emerged from the kitchen to lock the front door.
It felt pleasant when we went out, though the streets seemed quite eerie without the usual traffic and the lights were out in many of the shop windows because of the need to conserve energy.
‘I’m glad I didn’t have to walk home this evening.’
‘Yes, it wouldn’t have been nice for you,’ John said. ‘If you’re going to work late again, Amy, I’ll make it a habit to come and pick you up.’
‘Then I insist that you let me make you some supper.’
‘If you really don’t mind. It’s ages since I ate anything.’
‘I always mean what I say.’
John followed me into the kitchen as I went to make his omelette. I had just placed it on the table when the telephone rang. I was surprised, but went to answer it, my heart beating fast. I hoped it wasn’t bad news. My father had seemed well the last time I visited, but why was someone calling me at this hour?
‘Amy?’ Matthew’s voice came over the line. ‘You’re there now, then. I came round earlier and you weren’t in, and I’ve rung you several times since. I was a bit worried. I know there has been some trouble on the streets.’
‘Yes, John told me about it. He has been driving food lorries and he says there was a fight. He went to hospital with a young lad earlier.’
John called out something to me, and I answered him.
‘I’m sorry. John asked me where to find the salt. I’ve just cooked him an omelette.
‘Is he with you? At this hour?’
‘Yes. He came into the canteen where I was working and brought me home. He hadn’t eaten for ages so I made him something.’
‘I see. It seems that I was worrying for nothing then. I won’t keep you, since you have company, Amy – but perhaps I could see you one evening soon?’
‘I’m going to be working for a few nights, Matthew.’
‘In that case, forget it.’
The receiver was hung up abruptly. I stared at it, surprised. I couldn’t recall the last time Matthew had lost his temper with me. We had quarrelled often when we were courting, but since we’d decided to be friends he had never raised his voice to me in anger.
‘Some bother?’ John asked as I went back into the kitchen.
‘No, nothing really. Matthew was in a bit of a mood.’ John had finished his omelette and was about to put the plate in the washing-up bowl.
‘Leave that,’ I told him. ‘You must be exhausted.’
‘Perhaps Matthew didn’t like the idea of my being here. I shouldn’t have come.’
‘Don’t be silly. You’re my cousin and my friend, and I decide what I do with my life, not Matthew.’
‘He’s very much in love with you.’ John yawned. ‘I’d better go. I’ve got to be on duty at six tomorrow.’
‘Why don’t you stay here? You can sleep in Lainie’s room.’
‘People would talk, Amy. It’s not fair to you.’
‘This is 1926, not the Victorian era. You look worn out. Besides, who is going to know? You will be gone before six.’
He was almost falling asleep on his feet. I took his arm and steered him towards the spare bedroom.
‘If you’re sure. I’ll try not to wake you in the morning.’
‘You won’t. I’m up by soon after six most mornings. Goodnight, John.’
We parted and I went to my own room, falling asleep almost as soon as my head touched the pillow.
I worked every night for nearly a week at the canteen and John came to take me home in his car. I was grateful for the lift but after that first night he refused to come in.
‘Someone might notice,’ he said. ‘I don’t want you to lose your reputation for my sake. I’ll get off home.’
Then, quite suddenly, the strike began to break down. The TUC had realized that solidarity with the miners was costing them dearly, and the government was determined that they would not be beaten on this issue. The union called its workers back, leaving the miners to struggle alone.
‘I’m rather disappointed,’ Jane said when she came into the shop to tell me that they were closing down the canteen. ‘It was good fun. But we shan’t need you this evening, Amy. I shall be writing to all our volunteers to thank them on behalf of the committee, but I wanted to tell you myself.’
I thanked her for calling in, knowing that she had also come to collect a dress that Margaret had finished altering for her. I was glad that the strike was over. Sally had told me that it was causing terrible hardship for the wives and mothers of the striking men.
‘I can’t imagine what them poor bloody miners’ wives must be going through,’ she said. ‘It’s all right for the men to dig their heels in, but the women ’ave to feed their kids just the same.’
Margaret agreed with her. ‘We’re having a bring and buy sale for the miners, Amy. It isn’t that we agree with what they’re doing, of course, but you can’t let those little children go hungry.’
‘I’ll come, and I’ll give you some things for the sale,’ I promised. ‘I’ll go and fetch them now.’
I took Paul’s painting box from my wardrobe and added it to the small pile of shoes, bags and bead jewellery that I had collected on the bed. It caused a tiny pang of regret to part with Paul’s gift but I knew it was the right thing to do. I needed to move on and the money it fetched would help a good cause.
Margaret exclaimed over the box.
‘This is far too good, Amy. It hasn’t been used.’
‘I want you to have it for the sale. I prefer to use my old one.’
‘Well, if you’re sure. We sometimes get quite good prices for our things, and I shan’t let it go for nothing.’
I told her to sell it for whatever she could get and forgot about it. I had other things on my mind.
Matthew hadn’t rung me since the evening I’d told him I would be busy for a few days. I had tried to telephone him but I’d had no answer.
I decided to telephone my mother that afternoon.
‘Have you heard the news?’ she asked. ‘Thank goodness that dreadful strike is over, Amy.’
‘Yes, it is good news.’
‘I’ve been a bit worried about you working at that canteen every night.’
‘It has been hard work and I’m tired. I think I shall have an early night. Then I really must get down to the last-minute details for my show.’
‘Oh, yes, that’s in ten days, isn’t it?
‘Yes. Are you coming, Mum?’
‘Of course I am. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.’ She hesitated, then said, ‘Have you quarrelled with Matthew?’
‘No. He was a bit moody last time he rang, but it wasn’t a quarrel. I’ve been trying to reach him. Would you tell him I would like to see him, please, Mum?’
‘Yes, of course I will, love. I’m glad you haven’t fallen out. He’s such a help to your father. They’re always planning something together these days. Are you coming to see us soon?’
‘Perhaps this weekend. I’ve been too busy recently.’
‘Good. I shan’t keep you any longer then. Take care of yourself, Amy.’
I replaced the receiver and then went into the kitchen. Suddenly my usual supper of egg or cheese on toast wasn’t very appealing, but I couldn’t be bothered with anything more complicated just for me. I picked up an apple, munching it as I went through into the bathroom and turned on the taps.
An hour or so later I emerged from the warmth of the bath feeling refreshed. I pulled on a comfortable robe and wrapped a towel around my head. It was only then that I realized the doorbell was ringing. Groaning, I decided I had better answer it, since whoever was there seemed determined to keep on ringing until I did.
Running down the stairs, I fastened the chain my brother had insisted on installing for me before opening it a crack to see who was there.
‘Matthew!’ I cried in surprise. ‘I’m sorry I was so long. I was in the bath.’
‘Sorry. Bridget said you wanted to see me.’
‘I did – I do.’ I unfastened the chain. ‘Come upstairs. You can wait in the sitting room while I get dressed. It won’t take a minute.’
‘I should’ve telephoned first.’
‘It doesn’t matter. You’re not going to take advantage just because I’m improperly dressed, are you?’
Matthew didn’t answer, his mouth set in a grim line. I hurried on ahead of him, towelling my hair and running a comb through it afterwards. I slipped on some pretty silk underwear and a simple dress. I was fastening the buttons at the front when I went back to join him.
‘I haven’t bothered with make-up and my hair must look a mess.’
‘You always look lovely to me. These days I never see you unless you’re dressed up like something from a fashion magazine.’
‘I have to look smart. My customers expect it.’
‘Oh, yes, keep the customers happy. They are the important ones. It doesn’t matter what I think.’
‘Matthew! Are you trying to quarrel with me?’
‘I might be. Sometimes I feel like strangling you, Amy.’
‘Matthew!’ I was startled. ‘What’s wrong with you this evening? Is it because I cooked supper for John the other night?’
‘Was that all it was – supper? His car was here all night. I saw it at five thirty in the morning when I passed by.’ His eyes smouldered with resentment as he looked at me.
‘He was exhausted. He slept in Lainie’s room. There was nothing between us. There never could be. John is just a friend.’
‘The way I’m just a friend?’ he asked bitterly. ‘Do you like to keep us dangling like bloody fools? Does it amuse you to see men suffer? Anyone can see that the poor devil is besotted with you.’
‘John is fond of me, but he knows I feel only friendship for him and that is all he wants.’
‘If you believe that you are blind or mad. John is in love with you. He hangs on in the hope that one day you will care enough about him to marry him.’
‘Then I’m sorry, but I didn’t ask him to fall in love with me. I can’t help the way he feels. Besides, I don’t see what John’s feelings have to do with you, Matt.’
‘Don’t you? Then it’s about time you started to look about you and take notice of what other people think and feel, instead of being wrapped up in yourself all the time. I’m tired of running every time you snap your fingers.’
‘I don’t snap my fingers!’
‘I ask you if we can meet and you say you’re too busy. Then you ring your mother and leave a message that you want to see me – what else am I to think? You’ve got time on your hands so you send for me to amuse you, as if I’m a puppy dog.’
‘That’s not fair. It wasn’t like that. I’ve tried to telephone you several times and there’s never an answer. I thought that perhaps you were out with your new friend.’
‘What new friend?’ His eyes glinted with anger. ‘I’ve no idea what you mean, Amy.’
‘You went to the theatre with a lady when you were in Manchester.’
‘Nonsense! You’re the one who is always out. I do nothing but work.’
‘The hotel receptionist told me she knew you and that you were talking about a visit to the theatre with a very nice lady.’
‘She made a mistake …’ He stared at me for a moment and then gave a harsh laugh. ‘No, I did go somewhere with a friend, but it wasn’t the theatre.’
‘It doesn’t much matter where you went. You weren’t there when I phoned, and you’ve been out every time I’ve rung this past week.’
‘John wasn’t the only one to do voluntary work, Amy. I’ve been helping on the buses every night for a week and I’m tired.’
‘Perhaps that’s why you lost your temper with me.’
‘No, I don’t think so. It’s time we sorted things out between us, Amy. I’m not prepared to go on like this any longer.’
‘What do you mean?’ My heart was beating so fast that I could scarcely breathe, and I did not dare to look at him.
‘I mean I don’t want to be your friend. It isn’t enough. Either you want me or you don’t. I’ve been patient. God knows it’s been hard, but I’ve kept quiet because I knew you were hurt and I wanted to give you time to heal, but it’s over. You have to let the past go and move on.’
‘I have, Matt.’ I moved away from him, turning away because I couldn’t bear to face him. ‘I did grieve for Paul but that’s over now. I’m not sure what I felt for him but whatever it was it has gone.’
‘And the other business … with Maitland?’
I found the courage to turn and look at him. ‘I’ve realized that I must just forget that night. In a way I was lucky. Nothing very terrible happened to me. But it was all mixed up with Paul, and what Mary did, and the nightmares.’ A shudder ran through me. ‘It took a long time to get it out of my mind, and at first the only way I could do that was to work. I worked all the time because I couldn’t bear to think – and it just became a habit.’
‘And you’ve been successful,’ Matthew said. ‘Everyone says you’re going to keep rising in the fashion business. Don’t think I want you to give all that up. I know you’re not like Margaret. You wouldn’t be happy just being a wife and mother. I know you need a career. I understand, but I have to know if I mean anything to you. I can’t take this friendship stuff any more. I want you, Amy. I want to make love to you.’
‘Oh, Matt …’ I stared at him and then I began to cry. Not silent tears but noisy sobs that shook my whole body. ‘Oh, Matt, I’m so sorry. I can’t …’
‘That’s it then? That’s my answer? You don’t want me.’
He turned and walked out of the room. I was so stunned that I couldn’t move immediately. By the time I managed to make myself function he was walking down the stairs, at the bottom before I’d even reached the top.
‘Matt! Don’t go!’ I cried and took a hasty step forward, missing the top stair and stepping into air. I screamed and went tumbling forward. Matt came rushing towards me, catching me and breaking my fall, but as he fought to steady us both, my foot twisted underneath me and I screamed with pain.
‘What’s wrong?’ He looked at my face, which I knew must be white with pain. ‘Have you damaged yourself?’
‘I think it’s my ankle.’
‘You silly little idiot! What did you think you were doing?’
‘I wanted to stop you.’
‘You could have broken your neck.’
‘Stop quarrelling with me and help me back upstairs. I don’t think I can make it alone.’
He glared at me, then stooped to pick me up, carrying me back to the sitting room and depositing me gently on the settee.
‘I’d better have a look. If you’ve broken a bone you’ll need to go to hospital.’
‘I think it’s just a sprain.’ I touched his hand as he knelt down and began to examine my ankle very carefully. ‘Don’t be angry, Matt. I’m sorry I’ve been so awful to you.’
He stood up. ‘I’ll get some cold water and bathe it. I think it is just a nasty sprain.’
The cold water eased the worst of the stinging pain. I caught his hand again as he was about to gather up the bowl and cloths he had used.
‘Please don’t go, Matt.’
‘I thought you wanted me to.’ He frowned. ‘You said you were sorry but you couldn’t love me …’
‘No! I was trying to apologize for being so selfish. It wasn’t easy and you didn’t give me a chance to finish.’
‘No, I suppose I didn’t.’ He looked rueful. ‘I’ve always been a bit impatient where you’re concerned, and I was sure you were telling me you didn’t love me. I’ve been dreading this for ages, but I had to know the truth, Amy. I love you so very much.’
‘Oh, Matt …’ I said shakily. ‘I was trying to tell you that I do love you. I’ve always loved you, but I was too young when we were together the first time. Working for my aunt, meeting Mary and Paul – it made me realize that if I married too soon I would be missing so much that I needed to know about life and myself. But I never stopped loving you. Even when I felt so muddled and confused, I knew that I needed you in my life.’
‘You haven’t shown it much lately. And loving someone isn’t the same as being in love.’
‘Yes, of course, I know that,’ I said, reaching for his hand and holding it tightly as he sat beside me on the edge of the settee. ‘I am in love with you, Matt. There has never been anyone else for me in that way.’
‘You were in love with Paul Ross.’ His eyes were hard with accusation.’
‘No. No, it wasn’t like that. It might have been if he had been different – but he was such a sad person, Matt. I think it was sympathy I felt for him, and understanding. He was haunted by his fear of madness and he had lost what was most important to him in life. Something in me responded to his need – but even then I knew you were the one I wanted to marry one day.’
‘You might have let me in on the secret, Amy.’
‘After what happened at Mary’s house … For a long time I felt dirty, Matt. I felt that I wasn’t good enough for you, that I had spoiled what we had – made it shabby.’
‘How could you have thought that? You knew I loved you.’
‘I wasn’t thinking at all for a long time,’ I said. ‘And then I wasn’t sure that you cared any more. I thought that perhaps there might be someone else.’
‘If you mean the lady in Manchester …’ Matt chuckled softly. ‘Beatrice is the wife of a good friend of mine. Her husband was taken ill that day, and they had rushed him straight to theatre to have an operation. I was taking her to the hospital to see him.’
‘Oh, Matt!’ I smiled at him in relief. ‘What an idiot you must think me. Believing that you … And then falling down the stairs …’
‘It’s good to know you’re not the sophisticated, super-efficient woman I thought you had become,’ he said with a wry grin. ‘You always seem to be talking about your rich clients, and you fly over to Paris at the drop of a hat. I thought I wasn’t exciting enough for you any more.’
‘Oh, Matt! Now you’re being an idiot. I’ve been to Paris twice. Besides, flying to Paris is about work – and clients are work, even if some of them do ask me to their parties. What I need is a life of my own – a husband and children to love me.’
‘Won’t children get in the way of your work?’
‘I shan’t be able to do as much, but I’ve been delegating most of the embroidery and fitting to the girls for a while now, and I’ve decided to look for someone to take my place in the shop. I would rather concentrate on my designing, which I can do just as well from home.’
‘Are you sure that’s what you want?’ Matt looked at me anxiously. ‘Don’t do it for me, Amy.’
‘I’m not going to give up entirely, but it has been in my mind for a while. I’ve had several enquiries from large stores that would like to use my designs in their ready to wear collections, and I may decide to go down that road.’
‘What does Lainie think to all this?’
‘I haven’t told her yet,’ I said. ‘But why are we talking about work? I thought you said you wanted to make love to me …’
He smiled ruefully. ‘I think that has to wait a little, don’t you? I can hardly seduce you when you’ve just sprained your ankle, can I?’
‘You could try,’ I said, and smiled as he bent down to kiss me on the lips. ‘Don’t be such a gentleman, Matt. I want you to make love to me tonight.’
‘I’m afraid you can’t always have what you want, Amy. I’ve waited a long time for this and when it finally happens it’s going to be perfect.’ He frowned as I moved towards him impatiently and winced at the pain. ‘See what I mean? There’s no way I’m going to take you to bed when you’re in such pain.’
‘Then carry me there, and lie beside me,’ I said. ‘At least you can hold me and kiss me, the way you used to …’
‘Yes, I could do that,’ he said. ‘And I think perhaps I’d better spend the night here. By morning that ankle may be so swollen that you won’t be able to go down and open the shop.’
‘People will talk, Matt,’ I teased.
‘Let them,’ he said. ‘If I have my way it won’t be too long before I make an honest woman of you, Amy Robinson. Besides, there’s no way I’m going to leave you alone when you’re in pain.’
‘Have I ever mentioned that you are incredibly bossy, Matthew Corder?’
‘I think you may have done, but not for a long time.’ He smiled as he bent down to lift me gently in his arms. ‘I’ve missed you, Amy. Welcome back, my darling. It’s good to have the girl I fell in love with back again.’
‘She never really went away,’ I said, putting my arms about his neck and kissing his ear. ‘You may remember I used to be rather fond of getting my own way. And this is what I want.’