“I’m desperate for you to need me.”
Is your guy starving for attention . . . from you?
MAC’S A SALESMAN who has been working hard in the tool-and-die industry for over 20 years. Each year there is an awards dinner in January, and all the sales reps travel to one location. They spend two days in meetings at a hotel, then get to “play” the third day, all expenses paid. Best of all, the top regional salespeople receive awards.
Usually the company frowns on bringing wives along on these trips because they won’t pay for them, but this time the company encouraged Mac to bring his wife, Ginny. They also told him he was going to receive the award for top salesman in his region. That meant he was one of four top salespeople in the nation. He had come so far since the beginning, when he was scratching for even one sale.
When Mac found out the meeting would be held this year in Orlando, and that the company had booked him a $625 luxurious Class A suite, he began forming his plan to surprise his wife.
The next day he phoned the Orlando hotel and arranged for flowers to be waiting for Ginny in their room. He left work over lunch to shop at his wife’s favorite store for an outfit he knew she’d love to wear to the awards dinner. And he bought her a new nightie, as well as her favorite Godiva chocolates.
He was getting set up not only for a great time away from his business but a little “just you and me, baby” vacation with his wife. He had plans.
He thought about those plans through that week and into the next, when he and Ginny headed to the airport, luggage in tow, and boarded the flight to Orlando. He was still thinking about those plans and what he would do in what order, and hoping the hotel folks didn’t mess up on the flowers, when he and his wife opened the door to their beautiful suite.
It was perfect. The flowers were there in all their glory—all red, just like he’d ordered. His wife’s favorite color. Plans are proceeding nicely, Mac thought.
He was unpacking his suitcase to begin the next step of his plans when his wife’s cell phone rang.
“Oh, great! You’re here already!” she exclaimed. “We’re in suite 212. Come right on up.”
Here? Who’s here? Mac thought. And why are they coming up?
Unbeknownst to him, Ginny had phoned their two daughters, who both attended a nearby university and had their own apartment. She’d told them about the Florida trip and had invited them to come and stay with her and Mac at the hotel.
Talk about throwing a wet blanket over Mac’s romantic plans! After 21 years of marriage, business stresses, and meeting the needs of the children, he had been looking forward to celebrating his successes at work with his wife . . . alone. It was the first time ever that he would have been able to combine business and pleasure.
How did he respond? He hugged their girls, but then grew quiet and withdrew emotionally from the conversation. He listened for a while as the three women talked and laughed. Then he walked out the door, strolled down the hallway, and was gone for two hours.
“What is wrong with you?” Ginny wanted to know when Mac returned to the suite. “Why are you being so grumpy?”
She had no idea why he was acting the way he was. . . .
Mac was desperate for Ginny to need him—just him. When she included others, his plans for romance were short-circuited. He first grew quiet, then withdrew, then became passive-aggressive. Well, if she doesn’t need me, then I don’t need to be here.
Theirs was not the getaway either of them had hoped for.
HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL, HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT FALL . . .
We men don’t like to admit it, but we are as emotionally fragile as Humpty Dumpty. We know we’re supposed to be tough guys, so we try hard to look like it on the outside. But on the inside? One little push sends us tumbling over the wall to break in pieces on the other side. Especially a push from the woman we love the most. And when we fall off that wall and get broken, sometimes we can’t put ourselves back together again.
It all comes down to this in your guy’s thinking: If you don’t need me, if others can replace me, why am I beating my head against the wall? Why do I spend 10 hours a day at work? travel so much? eat bad food? drive over an hour in traffic each way to get back and forth from work?
Remember a man’s three basic needs? To be respected, needed, and fulfilled? If those top needs are met, not only will he be happier, but so will you.
Men have a lot in common with cocker spaniels and golden retrievers. They all need to be stroked. And if you stroke them, they will reward you with loyalty for a lifetime. Their eyes will not wander to anyone else. They will come trotting happily to your side as soon as you call.
That’s because, to your guy, you are the one who matters most when the rubber meets the road. You’re the one who captured his heart, the one he chose to love for a lifetime.
That’s why it hurts him so deeply when your attention is diverted from him and on to other things. He wonders, I guess I’m not very important to her anymore, huh? What self-respecting man would want to stick around if he’s not feeling respected, needed, or fulfilled?
As Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” It creates emptiness and bitterness.
There’s another way Ginny could have handled that business trip that would have satisfied both parties. Because she wanted to enjoy some time with her two daughters, she could have said to Mac, “I can’t wait to enjoy two whole days and nights with just you. I’d also like to see the kids, if that’s possible. Could we stay there one more night and ask the girls to join us?”
Once Mac had exercised his plans, he would be one satisfied customer. Like a chimp sitting on a bed made of bananas. And you know what? He would have been glad to see his daughters that third night!
But notice what comes first. First is the two nights with the love of your life. Then the kids would be allowed to come on the third night.
When Holly and Krissy were four and two, Sande and I took a short little vacation together. We left the kids in good hands with their grandma. All the while I was thinking, Free at last! We get to go to California, spend time on the beach, have nice dinners. Just the two of us.
What a wonderful time we had! The first day I didn’t talk about the kids at all. The next day I found myself talking a little more about the kids. By the third day, Sunday, when we had to hop in the car and drive home, guess what? I couldn’t wait to see the kids! They were now a priority in my mind because I’d had a great time with my wife. I’d had her all to myself for a while.
If you want your husband to love your kids and not regard them as competition for your time, you have to find time for just the two of you. The day is coming when your kids will be gone. But your husband will remain. Don’t lose your place in his heart.
It’s a lie that only women need intimacy. Your man is crying out (silently) for intimacy. But he does it in a very different way than you would.
THE MALE DEFENSE
Instead of telling you verbally what he needs, your guy is most likely to behave in one of the following ways when he is feeling dissed:
1. Get quiet or withdraw (like Mac did first).
2. Sulk.
3. Act passive-aggressive (Mac’s second stage of defense).
4. Act like a four-year-old (as we talked about in chapter 2) and throw a mini temper tantrum.
Kay and Seth married when they were both in their thirties. Both worked full-time for the same company, so they carpooled to work. They ate lunch together every day, and made dinner together. They had a schedule for their evenings that worked like clockwork for them, and looked like this:
Monday: Work out together at the gym.
Tuesday: At home night.
Wednesday: Couples’ Bible study.
Thursday: Have dinner guests over.
Friday: At home/snuggle/movie night.
Saturday: Make breakfast, catch up on laundry and housework in the a.m. In the p.m. do something fun together, like a picnic in the park, a piano concert, or a visit to the arboretum.
Sunday: Church and rest day, nap.
Five years later Seth II came along, and their clockwork schedule was blown sky-high. Both agreed that Kay would stop working outside the home, and they would tighten their budget.
Seth assumed that because Kay was no longer working, she’d still have time to do all the things she did before—write love notes to put in his lunch, bake homemade cookies, and that their evenings would look pretty much like they used to, except a third little person would be added in the bassinet at their side.
Seth tolerated the first month of their disrupted schedule. He assumed it was just a “transition time,” and soon Kay would have this motherhood stuff figured out and could get back to her regular tasks.
But the next month proved to be the same. Seth would arrive home, and Kay wouldn’t have even started dinner yet. Seth was a “have dinner promptly at 6:00” kind of guy. He’d get quiet, withdraw to change his clothes, then shuffle into the kitchen to start dinner as Kay sat in the rocker and breast-fed the baby.
Two more months went by. Both parents now knew what “sleep deprivation” meant, and it wasn’t a joke. Seth Jr. was a colicky baby. Kay spent her nights soothing him, so wasn’t often awake when Seth had to leave for work.
Seth started to sulk. He acted like the injured party.
What is wrong with him? Kay wondered. Doesn’t he know how exhausted I am? And what I spend my days doing? I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning. All my energy has to go to the baby right now. He can’t change his own diaper or feed himself, can he?
Two more weeks went by. Seth would come home now and stomp off to their bedroom to change his clothes before plunging in to make dinner. Every time he had to start dinner, he would bang the pots and spoons and slam drawers shut as if to say, Look at all the things I’m doing for you!
Kay knew that not having dinner ready bothered her husband, but it wasn’t like he was a Campbell’s soup kind of guy either. And opening a can was about all she could manage in the midst of the exhaustion and busyness of her day.
One day, wanting him to know how much she loved him, Kay skipped her much-needed catnap so she could make a real dinner. She envisioned how pleased Seth would be at smelling the roast, carrots, and potatoes in the oven when he came home.
Unfortunately, right as Seth’s car pulled into the garage, the baby threw up . . . all over the clean outfit she had just put on and her hair. As the goo dribbled down her cheeks, the door opened.
Seth took one look at her and exploded. “What is wrong with you? Can’t you even get yourself cleaned up for me?”
To state it mildly, Seth threw a temper tantrum. He acted like a four-year-old. All because he was starving for his wife’s attention. He’d known what it was like to have it fully, and now he felt completely deprived of it. He was not a happy camper.
Just a minute! you might be thinking. What a jerk! What a loser! I’d like to kick him from here to tomorrow. It’s exhausting to be a new mom. Doesn’t he get that?
Marriages may be made in heaven, but people are responsible for the maintenance work.
—Unknown
No, frankly, he does not. He’s not a woman, and he has not birthed a baby. He doesn’t know how exhausting it is to take care of a helpless child’s needs every minute of the day. By the time he got home from work, the baby was awake for only an hour. When the baby did wake up during the night, his wife took care of the child. (Men can’t breast-feed, after all.) Seth might wake up for a minute; then he was sound asleep again.
So when he walked through the door each day, he was thinking, Hey, this parenting thing isn’t so hard. So what’s her problem? How come she doesn’t pay attention to me anymore?
By now you might be a little ticked at Seth, and rightfully so. Seth is a little more immature and selfish than the average male, but we all have our moments.
WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING WHEN HE ACTS LIKE A BABY
As annoying as the male species can be, it’s important to try to look beyond our behavior to the clues of what we are really saying.
“I need you to pay attention to me . . . now!”
Behavior like Seth’s may seem incredibly childish to you, especially when you’re running crazily from moment to moment, trying to accomplish so much . . . and often your running is on behalf of children who can’t do things yet for themselves.
But consider this: A woman is an expert at diversion. Let’s say your two-year-old is playing with something she shouldn’t have. The smart mom will divert that child’s attention. Because that method works so well with children, she’s also tempted to use it with her husband.
Let’s say that you’ve just combed your hair, brushed your teeth, and fine-tuned your makeup. You have on a silk blouse so you look really good for the committee meeting this morning. Then your husband comes up and embraces you from behind. The kids aren’t around (or you don’t have any), and you can tell he’s interested in a little playtime.
Marriage isn’t a sole proprietorship; it’s a partnership.
—Unknown
“Not now,” you protest, “I have to get out the door. I’ll see you tonight.” And you whiz out the door, leaving behind a frustrated love-of-your-life because your DayTimer has too much on it for the day.
What does he think? There’s no room in her world for me.
“I’m jealous of the time you spend with the kids. There’s no time left for me.”
Your jaw may drop at this one because it’s so out of the realm of your experience and emotions, but it’s true for men.
To a woman, when a man spends time with their children, he’s spending time with her, because children are an extension of their mother. That means when her husband loves their children—wrestles with them, plays with them, reads to them, rocks them—he is also loving her. It goes back to the relational needs at the core of a woman.
CHILDREN ARE AN EXTENSION OF THEIR MOTHER.
I tell this story at marriage seminars, and it always gets an Ahh from the ladies. When my daughter received flowers and knew they came from a Leman, she immediately assumed they had to be from her mother. “But Dad, when I found out they were from you, that was even better!”
“Ahh . . .” the ladies in the audience always say.
“Did you hear that ahh in the audience?” I ask the men.
There are grins and chuckles from the male population.
“Well,” I say, “each woman is dying to give you that ahh. Whenever you do sweet, manly, sensitive, gentle, loving things for your daughter and show that side of your nature to her, you are also doing those things for your wife. Did you know that?”
And the lightbulb goes on in the guys’ brains.
A woman lives by this adage: “If you love me, you will love the people dearest to me and treat them well.”
When a father shows that kind of love and attention to his daughter, you think, Wow! I am so lucky to have married that man! Boy, did I choose right! All of a sudden, you are feeling more romantically inclined toward that man.
But this is not so for the man. For a man, children are a separate entity. He doesn’t emotionally connect them to the mother. In a very real sense, because he identifies more with things, he sees them as things (no offense to the children) that compete with him for your attention. And boy, do they compete! Children are hedonistic little suckers who will take all the time and attention you can give them . . . and then some.
It’s no wonder they drain you of energy and leave you too exhausted to take care of the big boy in your life, the hedonistic big sucker who, from time to time, also needs all your time and attention and then some.
“Dr. Leman,” you’re saying disgustedly, “are you saying I should placate my husband when he acts like a child? I mean, he’s a grownup, for Pete’s sake, and a father now. Shouldn’t he act like it?”
Let me counter by asking you, “Do you placate your children at every turn?”
I hope not, because they are prone to think only of themselves. If you placate them at every turn, they’ll become unionized and really work their advantage.
Husbands can be the same way.
The main point I’m trying to make here is that you need to realize that the role your children play in your husband’s life is different from the role they play in your life. Until you do, you’ll be making your husband’s jealousy—or potential jealousy—worse.
FOR A MAN, CHILDREN ARE A SEPARATE ENTITY.
HE DOESN’T EMOTIONALLY CONNECT THEM TO THE MOTHER.
“I feel like I can’t do anything, and I’m not really needed.”
I will never forget holding my granddaughter, Adeline, when she was six months old. Her mommy had handed her to me, and I felt so privileged to hold her. For a second, she looked at me as if she was going to cry. (Yeah, I know. I can look pretty scary sometimes.) Then her eyes landed on her mommy, standing right next to me, and I saw peace come into her expression. Her mommy was there, so everything was going to be all right. Although she knew my face and voice, they were not as familiar as her mommy’s. And if she had to chose, you bet she would choose Mommy.
This kind of behavior makes sense, since children are attached to Mommy from the minute they are conceived or adopted, and they are nursed and most often fed by Mommy.
This can leave new dads feeling a bit out of the loop. They’re helpless—often they can’t help feed the baby. Or if they attempt a feeding, the temperature of the baby food or formula is a few degrees off from what the mother would do, and the baby starts yelling out of frustration.
What happens next?
“There, there, little one,” Mom says and sweeps in to take over. Within seconds the baby quiets down and magically all is right with the world again. The “fix it” person is there.
How does that make us men feel? Relieved, yes, but also frustrated at how inept we are in this situation.
If a man doesn’t have an understanding wife who says things such as, “Oh, honey, he’s been fussy all day. Thanks for trying. I really appreciate that . . . and you. I’m hoping to get him to bed a little early tonight so we’ll have some uninterrupted time for a change. Could you help me by putting the dishes in the dishwasher? That way we’ll both be done about the same time, and we can relax together.”
THE POWER OF A WOMAN’S WORDS TO CHANGE A MAN’S FEELINGS AND PERSPECTIVE IS INCREDIBLE.
The power of a woman’s words to change a man’s feelings and perspective is incredible. You hold your man within the palm of your hand. Suddenly, with those few words, he can feel much better about his role in the family.
In that short scenario, you’d told him that
1. You think he’s done his very best in helping with the baby.
2. You’re trying your best to get some uninterrupted time with your big boy because he’s important to you.
3. You’ve given him a task that makes him feel helpful and good at something, even if he doesn’t have this baby thing down yet.
4. You’ve told him you need him and his help.
5. You’ve said that you are looking forward to time with just him.
You’ll be amazed how eager your husband will be to get not only those dishes put away but to clean up the entire kitchen too.
After all, the person he looks the most forward to having time with is you. And I’m not just talking about when you’re in the sack. You’re the only one he truly wants to be intimate with.
But sometimes it’s so hard to get to you!
TRYING TO DO IT ALL
One of the most difficult things about being a woman in America today is that everybody wants a piece of you. Your boss wants that memo. The church is looking for “only one” evening a week. The kids want to get to three different locations, all within the same hour. The teachers want a homeroom helper. Of course, to save up for the kids’ college tuition you’re also running a Mary Kay business on the side.
Because you’re great at multitasking and you are relationally oriented, women will always find themselves juggling a much larger scope of tasks than men will. But if you are too busy climbing the corporate ladder, running an at-home business, or carpooling the kids everywhere, your relationship with your man will be the first one to suffer. Too many women have awakened from the race of their life to find themselves in divorce court.
As other things take precedence over your relationship, couple power is diluted. And then, all of a sudden, the “happy couple” finds themselves divorced. Oftentimes what has been beneath the glossy veneer of their relationship that other people see are hurting people who have failed to prioritize and have run themselves ragged. The woman has felt compelled to do it all, and the man has felt compelled to compete and conquer. Yet when it comes right down to it, they both miss what is most important—their relationship!
Sadly, marriage does not have a very high ranking in our society. It’s easier to step out when the going gets rough. How often do you see celebrities switching spouses or boyfriends/girlfriends, going from relationship to relationship in search of fulfillment? One look at the tabloids says it all.
But don’t let yourself fall into the grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side trap. When you get to the other side, you still have to mow it!
The reality is that marriage is like constructing a building. The foundation better be laid properly and square. The right material better be used, including rebar to make it tough and durable. Otherwise, the building that looks so good on the outside will develop fine cracks. Over time those cracks will widen across the entire surface, and the building will begin to disintegrate.
Dan, 40, met Lynn, 32, at an evening class at the local community college. Lynn was divorced and had a 13-year-old son. Dan had never been married and really enjoyed children. As the two got to know each other, they frequently included Joey on their dates. Dan thought, Wow, this is the best of all worlds. If I ask her to marry me and she says yes, I get to be an instant father, too. This is what I’ve always wanted.
Dan and Lynn were married three months later. When a friend advised them to wait and get some marriage counseling first, both declined. They were old enough to know what they wanted.
But once they were married, Lynn’s attention turned immediately to her son, excluding Dan. She insisted that she had to be a mother first, and that Joey needed Dan’s love. However, she wouldn’t allow Dan to discipline Joey. “Joey’s already been hurt enough by his father,” she claimed. “He just needs your love.”
Five years later, when Joey headed for college, Dan and Lynn’s marriage fell apart. Instead of growing together, they had grown apart because the home had one focus—Joey. Now that Joey was in college, what was there to talk about? The foundation of their love had been hastily built, with no rebar, and the years of “child first” had developed cracks throughout their marriage. When Joey left, the building fell completely apart.
All a husband really wants is to be pitied a little, praised a little, and appreciated a little.
—Oliver Goldsmith
IS HE STARVING FOR YOUR ATTENTION?
Because of their top needs, most men have a lot of acquaintances and business contacts but very few meaningful relationships. That’s why his relationship with you rates so high on his scale, whether he’ll tell you that or not.
Do you realize what he gave up for you? He could be rebuilding cars with his buddies at the local gas station. Or hanging out at the restaurant with all the post-adolescents and college students for the summer. He could be having great conversations with his buddies, such as “What do you want to do tonight?”
“Uh, I don’t know.”
What did I do before I got married? I grew up in a little town where the guys would hang out at the glorified hot dog stand. It had a huge parking lot. We guys would sit on the benches for hours on end, not doing much of anything. Some guys would work on their cars.
Guys who live by themselves eat the same meal seven days in a row. We wear the same clothes. We think nothing of eating bread with a little mold on it. We drink out of orange juice containers. Our apartments are decorated with a pyramid of pizza boxes, stacked in the corner—one for each day, Tuesday through Friday.
The point is, what we guys gave up for you wasn’t much. Your guy certainly has a more interesting life with you! Did you know that?
But a woman can be so busy juggling home, career, and myriad relationships (something women are very good at) that often the person most left in the lurch is the one closest to her . . . her husband. Then add children to the mix, and there truly is little room for the first love of your life.
THE ONLY ONE HE TRULY WANTS TO BE INTIMATE WITH IS YOU. THAT’S HOW MUCH YOU MATTER.
Meanwhile, your husband is starving for your attention. He desperately needs time alone with you. Instead of looking at this with an “Oh, brother. Why does he have to be such a baby?” look at the flip side. What a compliment! The only one he truly wants to be intimate with is you. That’s how much you matter. That’s why it’s so important to him to know he’s number one in your life and not just another thing to check off your list.
He craves those romantic dinners out . . . as much as you need them. He needs time alone in the bedroom when the cell phone is turned off and your kids are at Grandma’s for the night.
GOT A GAP?
Each of us has two selves: an ideal self and a real self.
The ideal self is how you would like others to see you.
The real self is who you really are.
The greater the gap between the ideal and the real, the more dissonance there will be in your life. If you try to be what you’re not, you’ll get yourself in trouble. You’ll be continually disappointed with yourself and with others.
Marriage is a two-way street, but sometimes you’re the one who has to plow it.
—Unknown
For example, if you are keen on others thinking that you have your life totally put together, that your house is always in pristine condition, and that you have the perfect family members (a husband, 2.5 kids, and a dog), you might be upset, to put it mildly, if you arrived home from work and found the kitchen trashed and your husband lounging on the sofa in his checked flannel shirt and sweats, eating leftover pizza, and watching a rerun of Orange County Choppers. Especially if your boss and his wife are coming over for dinner in an hour, and he’d promised he would start dinner for you.
Your ideal self had it all planned out. Your boss and his wife would arrive to a lovely, jasmine-scented home. Relaxed and happy, you’d welcome them at the door. You would be dressed in feminine evening attire, the dining-room table would be set with gold placemats accented with purple flowers, and you’d have the hors d’oeuvres arranged artistically on the coffee table in front of the sofa. You’d introduce them to your husband, who would be charm itself, and casually mention that a neighbor had asked to take your children to a play at a local community college. Your husband would have given Freda, the dog, a bath, so she would be at her fluffiest, friendly best to greet them with a tail wag before she exited the side door to play in the yard.
Later you heard secondhand what your guests really thought of their evening in your home. “She was so stressed. I could see it in her jaw,” the wife said. “I wish people wouldn’t invite us over if it’s going to be stressful for them. Her living room smelled like leftover pizza. Makes you kinda wonder where she catered the dinner from, even if she made a big deal about its being homemade. You could tell her husband would rather be anywhere than home, that’s for sure. His gaze kept wandering to the TV until he finally said he had to take the dog for a walk.”
Trying to be who you are not is an awful lot of pressure for anyone! It’s exhausting, and others see right through it—especially your husband. As the two of you develop emotional intimacy, he gets to know the real you and the things that you struggle with. The irony is that, because you struggle, sometimes you even try to hide the “real you” from the man who loves you most! It’s like trying to hide who you really are from God. That doesn’t work either.
THE COUPLES WHO SURVIVE AND THRIVE ARE THOSE WHO BRIDGE THE GAP BETWEEN THE IDEAL AND THE REAL IN THEIR LIVES.
The couples who survive and thrive are those who bridge the gap between the ideal and the real. They decide together what the next move in their marriage is. They spend some time looking backward at what “was” in each of their lives so they can move forward together. They don’t care much about what others think. They care only what God and each other think.
For that, in the long run, is what matters most.
QUIZ
Do you know this woman?
Do you ever find yourself
A. saying yes when you mean no, no, No!?
B. laughing at a joke you don’t understand so no one will feel bad (and you don’t look humor deprived)?
C. vowing never to chair the women’s bazaar again? (The problem is you’ve said that for six years running.)
D. smiling and complimenting your mother-in-law on her cooking when you absolutely loathe it?
E. refusing to send your salmon back to a restaurant’s kitchen when it arrives on your plate and it’s still swimming?
For answers, see #4 THING HE’LL NEVER TELL YOU.
Do you know this man?
A. He’s always right.
B. He speaks about women with anger and disrespect.
C. When he’s wrong, it’s someone else’s fault.
D. When things don’t go his way, he throws an adult temper tantrum or withdraws into icy silence.
E. After an argument, he equates making love with making up.
F. He has to win in everything—business, ping-pong, and in love.
G. He often complains that his employers or supervisors don’t know what they’re doing.
H. He’s skillful at making you feel guilty, even though you know you were right and you’re doing the right thing.
For answers, see #4 THING HE’LL NEVER TELL YOU.
ARE YOU A PLEASER?
The trouble with women is that so many of you are pleasers.1 You want to make sure everyone is happy, and you try so hard to make that work. But in the process, you end up assuming fault for things and situations and people that you have no control of. It’s like the flight attendant who takes a lot of garbage in the form of rudeness and insults from a male passenger and the attendant says, “Thank you” to the man.
It’s a continual juggling act to try to keep people happy. And it’s not a healthy one. When women, who tend to be pleaser types anyway, come from dysfunctional family backgrounds, it is even more difficult. The pleaser is always “shoulding” herself. What’s wrong with me? I should have finished that project on time, or I should have picked up the kids. If I had, Mark wouldn’t feel so stressed and unhappy. Then he wouldn’t have yelled. It’s all my fault. I’m so stupid.
So many women run from thing to thing and try to accomplish everything at once because of that little voice inside that says, You should have done something better. That same voice takes away the sweetness of the victory you feel after accomplishing something wonderful. You’re always thinking, even when someone says, “Great job,” Would you love me even if I didn’t do that? And because of that, you have a hard time saying no. So you ramp up the speed of life on yourself.
Meanwhile, the man who needs time with you gets shafted. Because you’re so relationally oriented and are continually spending time with others, he always comes last. He won’t say what he thinks, but what he’s thinking is, I guess I’m not very important to her anymore.
Just because we live in a world where women can do and be anything they want—including surgeons, attorneys, and pilots—does that mean that you should do everything? Does it mean every opportunity you are given is a good one, and one that you should take right now?
Let me ask you a question: If your husband were sitting in my counseling room, would he say to me, “If I’m lucky, I get squeezed in between the late news and David Letterman”?
If you found out you had stage 4 ovarian cancer, what would you do differently in your life? Such a question separates the little details and “just busyness” from what really matters, doesn’t it? Think about it.
A good marriage and family life are worth sacrificing for. To preserve time for marital intimacy (something we’ll talk about more in the next chapter), not to mention being available for children, you may have to do without a few things. You may have to drive a car for ten years or more. You may have to forgo expensive vacations. You make have to make do with hand-me-downs or shopping in thrift stores rather than going to Nordstrom for the kids’ back-to-school clothes.
But the sacrifices will be worth it. You are worth it. Your husband is worth it. And your children—whether now or down the road—are worth it.
Your big, strong husband is desperate for you to need him.
And if you don’t have a love affair with your husband, someone else will.
How will you take on that challenge?