“I told you I didn’t want to go!”
What your man fears more than anything else . . . and how you may be doing that very thing in subtle ways.
IT WAS THE second time in six months that Jan had dragged her husband, Greg, to one of her community service banquets. He’d had enough. It didn’t matter that his wife was giving him “the eye” for not being social. He spent most of the evening sitting glumly at a table while everyone else chatted. And when he wasn’t at the table, he was dragging his feet toward the punch bowl to refill her glass.
“What is wrong with you?” she hissed at him later in the car. “You acted like an idiot. And you embarrassed me in front of all my friends.”
What was his response? “I told you I didn’t want to go!”
The rest of the drive home was made in icy silence.
When Greg and I talked about that situation later, he admitted, “I hate socializing. It makes me feel awkward, alone, and embarrassed. I drive a UPS truck, get up as early as a dairy farmer, and work long hours. I’d rather she go alone, and I’ll stay home with the kids. I love the time with the kids. Besides, we’d save money on the babysitting. But instead, I have to spend the evening standing by the punch bowl looking and feeling like an idiot (Note: I could relate! Remember my earlier story when I felt like that?) while my wife flits happily from person to person.
Frankly, I don’t even like the people she hangs out with. I don’t understand the projects she does, so I have nothing to say about them. I keep telling her that I don’t want to go to those events and that I’d rather stay home. But she won’t take no for an answer. It drives me crazy!”
Let’s get down to brass tacks. Because his wife didn’t take Greg’s no for a no, he felt majorly dissed or disrespected. His wife was saying, by her response, “Oh, but you don’t really mean that. Of course you want to go with me.”
But Greg didn’t, and even when he said no, she pressed the issue so much that he sighed, gave up, and went to the event. He was beat verbally in the fight to go to the event—his wife could outtalk him any day. So he did the only thing he could. He acquiesced to go to the event, then gave her and everybody else the passive-aggressive treatment. While he was sitting quietly at the table, inside he was yelling, “No, No, No! I told you I didn’t want to go, but you made me. You don’t respect me or my wishes!”
WHAT DOES HONORING REALLY MEAN?
Honor, per Webster’s Dictionary, means “to hold in high respect, to revere, to show a courteous regard for.”
Part of honoring your husband means honoring his opinions and views. It means taking his no for a no, instead of trying to turn him into one of your girlfriends who would enjoy the event with you (as we talked about in chapter 3). But this is harder than it sounds to a woman because your world is defined by having your guy experience things with you. You can only be truly happy when the experience is shared with him. Not so for your guy.
Yet he finds himself getting dragged into social situations where he isn’t comfortable, feels useless and stupid, and has to be, by default, the wallflower at the party. Like Timothy, who got dragged to a scrap-booking festival because his wife wanted him to see how much she loved that kind of thing. He spent an entire Saturday staring at “cute” die cuts and helping his wife with her shopping bags. He was bored to death. The only thing that kept him from going crazy was dreaming of motocross racing the following weekend.
Before you drag your husband into this kind of situation, ask him. And then accept his response as the truth. Read his lips and his body language. Even if he’s not verbally saying no, you should be able to read “I don’t want to go” by the stiff, determined jaw or the frown. If an activity is not his cup of tea, don’t force him to go. Would you like to change the oil on a car? overhaul a small-block Chevy V-8? mountain bike across the Rockies? or enjoy a monster-truck night at the fairgrounds? Some of you may, but many of you wouldn’t. So then why do you drag your guy to scrapbook stores, floral conventions, antique shows, or a “how to remodel your kitchen space” workshop?
READ HIS LIPS AND HIS BODY LANGUAGE.
Why not let your guy be a guy? And be the guy he is? I know some guys who love to grow orchids and listen to opera, but they are still real men’s men.
Let your guy stay home when you do things that only you like to do. Honor and respect your man by taking his no for a no, and his yes for a yes. Remember, men are straightforward and will tell you what they think. The problem comes when you try to manipulate those words to get him to do what you want him to do. Oh, he doesn’t really mean that, you think. Of course he wants to go. He just wants me to persuade him a little bit more. . . .
No, actually he wants you to lay off. (Take it from a guy who knows.)
He wants to stay home, put up his feet, belch, eat cold leftover pizza, and have some peace and quiet while you enjoy your social evening. In fact, if you gave him a choice of cleaning out the cat’s litter box and going to the event with you, which one do you think he’d choose?
IF YOU GAVE HIM A CHOICE OF CLEANING OUT THE CAT’S LITTER BOX AND GOING TO THE EVENT WITH YOU, WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK HE’D CHOOSE?
Honoring your husband means “showing a courteous regard for” him in every area of life. If a girlfriend said, “I really don’t want to go eat in that restaurant,” would you force her to go there with you? Why not show your husband the same respect?
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, STAYS IN VEGAS
While we’re on the subject of girlfriends, ladies, I wanted to share with you something very important to us men. We do not like to be discussed with your girlfriends. In fact, we detest it. Because we’re so fragile underneath our bravado, we can’t stand to be the subject of your lunch: “You know what he did?” you say to launch the discussion, then you shake your head with disgust and tell all.
“You’ve got to be kidding!” a girlfriend says and laughs. “Well, last week Mike . . .”
And you’re off running with some wild tales of what we men do. They might be the truth, but we still don’t like it. Would you like it if we said in front of a buddy, “My wife’s getting really flabby in the thighs”?
Yes, we men do stupid things every once in a while (okay, maybe more than once in a while), but revealing them to the world embarrasses us and emasculates us. It would be like somebody pointing out your worst body feature and then going on and on about it. That’s how it makes us feel.
Think about it this way. Whenever you talk to your girlfriend or your sister or your mother or your husband’s mother about your man and the goofy thing he did, you are violating your marital vow to be faithful. And that’s dangerous. So is lumping “all men” into the same category. We don’t need you talking to anyone else about what is private and should stay between a husband and wife.
Because we guys are performance based, we don’t need laughter about our performance in a certain area. We need mercy, grace, your understanding, and your belief in us.
Just as you need us to believe in you.
Yes, I know women love to “share” (I say this with a twist of my lips). We know it is natural for you to share experiences with your girlfriends. But you need to button your lips where your guy is concerned. If you do, you will earn and maintain your husband’s trust in you.
There is an exception, however, to the girlfriend gab fest. If you want to share good gossip about us, go right ahead.
IF YOU WANT TO SHARE GOOD GOSSIP ABOUT US, GO RIGHT AHEAD.
When Monica miscarried her baby, she was emotionally and physically exhausted. Brian, her husband, is one of those guys who is kindness itself, but very much a “real guy.” For the first three months after her miscarriage, he gave up his every-other-Saturday breakfast with two guys from his church so Monica could have breakfast with two girlfriends who happened to be the wives of those two guys. Brian stayed home and took care of their two-year-old, Michael, and spent that time cleaning the house. It may not have been the kind of clean that Monica would have done, but she was very grateful.
“I never would have made it without Brian’s help,” Monica told Sue and Keri over breakfast. “He’s the greatest guy in the world. Boy, did I choose right! I know he didn’t lose the baby from his body, but he’s so understanding of how I feel. I’m so glad he’s Michael’s daddy. And I hope someday we have another baby, so that baby can have Brian for a daddy too.”
Guess what? Two weeks later, Brian ran into Craig, Keri’s husband, in Ace Hardware. “You should hear those girls talk,” Craig said, laughing. “I think you just won the Husband of the Year award, from what they say.” He filled Brian in on what the wives had talked about.
How do you think that made Brian feel? Especially in front of another guy? Like a million bucks!
Good gossip gets around, and it can do amazing things to a man’s chest, like make him puff with the good kind of pride inside. It can also do amazing things to his willingness to do things like help around the house.
Although Brian and Monica had agreed only on her going out to breakfast every Saturday for the first three months, it became a tradition in their home. Every-other Saturday, Brian went out with the guys. The in-between Saturdays, Monica went out with the girls. And whoever stayed home watched Michael and cleaned the house. For the past 16 years now, the three women have had two Saturday breakfasts a month, and the three men have had two Saturday breakfasts a month. Last week they all got together to celebrate (and mourn) Michael going off to college!
So if you’re going to share some gossip of your own, why not share some good gossip?
DOWN WITH THE PUT-DOWN
When I used to coach football for kids from the barrio, I learned a hard lesson. I once showed the quarterback, a 15-year-old boy, how to set his feet when he took the ball from the center.
He threw the ball at me and yelled, “Then you do it!” and stomped off.
What was going on there? He left because he was embarrassed. In Hispanic culture, you don’t call a guy down in front of his buddies.
The same is true for all men. So often, without knowing it, a woman can cut down her guy in front of others.
“I asked you to take the garbage out, and it’s still sitting here.”
“Why didn’t you clean out the garage? That’s your job!”
“You didn’t bring your paycheck home again?”
These statements may seem like fact to you, but if you say them in front of his buddies, you will make your husband angry. Nobody likes to be embarrassed in front of his friends. Would you like it if your man said in front of your girlfriends, “Your hips are looking a bit wide these days. Shouldn’t you go on a diet?”
Wouldn’t you be embarrassed . . . and downright mad?
A good marriage is one in which there are more put-up-withs than put-downs.
—Unknown
Never forget that rule of a democratic society: If you have the right to put me down, I have the right to put you down. And believe me, ladies, we men can win at the put-down.
So if you have something to say (as mad as you might be), wait until you and your husband are alone. Then, being careful of your tone of voice, address the subject fairly and straightforwardly. Don’t point a finger.
Remember the story in chapter 1, where I embarrassed my daughter by what I wore to school? Sande took a big risk telling me the truth that day. I might have gotten mad at her. But because she values honest, open communication and commitment to family is at her core (note: two of the top three needs of women were at play in our communication), she took the straight route to letting me know about the situation.
She could have harangued me: “Kevin Leman, how could you be so stupid to wear bedroom slippers to our daughter’s school? Don’t you know how much you embarrassed her—and me? The next time you go out the door, I’m going to have to check your outfit. If you ever do that again, I’ll . . .”
Instead she told me the truth and nothing but the truth—that it was important to my daughter I never show up that way again.
Respecting your guy doesn’t mean letting him get away with murder (or, in my case, nasty-looking slippers). It doesn’t mean sighing melodramatically and saying, “Well, boys will be boys.”
It means speaking the truth in love.1
No dissing.
No you-should-haves or you-oughtas.
THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOUR GUY REALLY ANGRY
1. Put him down in front of his friends.
2. Talk about your relationship to others.
3. Let him hear about something important third hand.
“I CAN’T FIX THE TOILET!”
Because we are born competitive and with a need to conquer and win, we men don’t want to admit that we can’t do something that a guy should know how to do.
So when you say to us, “Oh, honey, the toilet keeps running and running. I think it’s broken again,” the first thing we want to do is try to fix the toilet. We’re on a mission to conquer that toilet, and we’re determined to win! So off we head to Home Depot or Lowes, where we spend several hours talking to the guys there (while you, meanwhile, are having to run outside to use the bushes in the backyard because you’re afraid the toilet will overflow if you flush it). We get schematics about toilets—even if we can’t read them. We come home armed with a whole arsenal of fix-it stuff and enough confidence to slay the toilet dragon.
WE COME HOME ARMED WITH A WHOLE ARSENAL OF FIX-IT STUFF AND ENOUGH CONFIDENCE TO SLAY THE TOILET DRAGON.
Then we arrive home to find out you’ve already called the repairman, and he’s at the house right now, doing the job that we intended to do.
How do you think that makes your guy feel? Bummed. Like he’s a failure. So she thought I couldn’t do it, he thinks. She didn’t even wait long enough to let me try.
Karen had waited nearly six weeks for her husband to replace a broken window. And that was after she’d already waited six weeks to get the window after the four weeks it had taken Barry to get around to ordering it. Her patience was just about used up.
That day she was talking with her neighbor Olivia about her frustration with the window when Olivia’s husband pulled up in the driveway.
Olivia motioned for Ken to come over to Karen’s porch and explained the situation. Ken shrugged. “Hey, it would only take me a second to pop that broken window out if you’ve got the new one.”
Karen happily pointed to the new window, where it was stored still in its paper wrappings in the garage.
Within half an hour, Karen had her new window, and Olivia and Ken were back at home having dinner.
Karen was ecstatic. I can’t believe it. It’s about time!
Then her husband, Dave, arrived home. Before he could even set his briefcase down, Karen pulled him over to the new window and pointed, smiling.
Dave took one look. “How . . .?”
So Karen explained how their handy neighbor Ken had installed it in just a few minutes.
Dave’s face took on the appearance of a thundercloud. And it stayed that way the rest of the evening.
What is his problem? Karen wondered. We finally get something done around here, and he gets ticked?
It wasn’t until Karen and I talked about it later that she realized what she’d done. “Ouch.” She winced. “I had no idea how much I had hurt his feelings by asking another guy to help me. I just wanted to get it done. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have taken Ken up on the offer.”
What’s more important to you, ladies? That you get a project done? Or that you wait awhile (even if it seems like forever) and give your husband the opportunity to take care of it?
“Wait a minute there, Dr. Leman!” you might say. “If I did things that way and waited for my husband, nothing would ever get fixed in our house!”
If that is your frustration, then talk to him about the situation. Use I rather than you language. Try this approach: “Honey, I’m wondering if you could take a minute to look at the kitchen sink. It doesn’t seem to be working properly, and it would really help me if it could be fixed. Would you mind?”
Approaching your guy in such a way accomplishes the following:
1. You show that you value and respect his opinion.
2. You’re asking for his help and saying you need it.
3. You’re telling him that you would really appreciate the item working. You’re honoring his contribution to the family.
If a guy is approached in such a way, how could he refuse?
Here’s another tip. Before you add, “Or should I call a repairman?” let him take a real look. Then he will be more likely to say, “You know, I think we need a repairman.”
If a man can’t fix something himself, he at least wants to be the one to call the repairman, research the repairman, or at least say you need a repairman. No matter that you’re the one who will most likely follow through on that repair.
The key is to remember that no man in his right mind is going to admit up front, “I am not capable of fixing that!” By saying so, he would be saying to his own male ego, “I’m a failure. I’m a loser. I can’t do anything.”
FOR A MAN, THE SYMBOL OF FIXING SOMETHING IS A METAPHOR FOR HIS PROVISION FOR HIS FAMILY.
For a man, the symbol of fixing something is a metaphor for his provision for his family. It hits at the core of who a man is (more on this in the next chapter).
Whether he can do it or not, he needs you—his bride—to believe in him.
Some of you are thinking, Holy moley! It seems like a wife needs a degree in child psychology to deal with her husband.
Good! Now you’re getting it. Let’s move along.
A JUDGMENT CALL
While we’re on the subject of home repairs (interestingly enough, many couples get divorced while building or remodeling their home), I want to address another subject: trust.
Many men are handy around the house. I am not. Just ask my wife, Sande. She can read instructions without getting frustrated. I cannot.
But yesterday was an exception for Kevin Leman in the home-improvement department. I was so proud of myself. I walked into the house beaming and called, “Honey! Whaddya know! I fixed something!” Her eyebrows raised, and rightfully so. She had to see it to believe it.
The autofill lever on our swimming pool had been leaking profusely. I was smart enough to figure the thing needed a washer. So off I went to the hardware store and bought two 25-cent washers. I took the autofill lever apart, replaced the washer, and put it all back together. But the leak was still there. I spotted another fitting about 1 ½ inches up toward the end of the contraption, and thought, You know what? That must come apart. So I find a wrench/pliers and start to bang on the steel until I get it apart. I find the other leak in there, dig the other washer out of my pocket, screw it on, and . . . voilà! Problem solved.
And I did it.
I was so proud of myself for conquering that autofill lever that I wanted to call my buddy Joe and say, “Hey, I fixed something!” He probably would have clutched his heart and fallen over. He knows my record in such an arena.
If Sande was a different kind of woman, she might have responded, “It’s about time, you dummy!” But being the patient, wonderful, understanding woman she is, she laughed right along with me and encouraged me in my fix-it skills. (Though she’s still wary if she sees me walking around with any tools. . . .)
But many men, handy or not, are “called” to start building or remodeling something in their home.
Like Paul, who got the itch to remodel his bathroom as a present to his wife for their fifteenth anniversary. He was going to convert their ¾ bathroom in the front hallway to a full bathroom by removing the closet. In December and January, he consulted with all his buddies who are in the trades. He spent evening after evening doing the figures to see how much it would cost. By March he was convinced that he could save his family money by doing it himself. He spent two Saturdays gathering the materials for the job.
The next Saturday was his first day on the job. Just as he began tearing out the tile on the wall between the shower and the closet, his wife, Sarah, peered around the corner. “Uh, are you sure you know what you’re doing?” she asked.
Paul’s frown spoke volumes. He’d done all his homework, bought all the supplies, and she was questioning his judgment?
What was Sarah saying to him by her question? I don’t trust you to do this project.
YOUR MAN NEEDS TO KNOW THAT YOU TRUST HIM TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS.
It made Paul feel like he couldn’t measure up in her eyes.
Such treatment may trigger a man’s temper, but most often he quietly seethes inside and becomes passive-aggressive.
Your man needs to know that you trust him to make good decisions. Not that he’ll always be right, but he needs to know you will give him the benefit of the doubt (even if you do secretly have the phone number of a home emergency specialist in your wallet!).
WHAT YOUR GUY FEARS THE MOST IN THE WORLD
A woman who suffers from the I-don’t-trust-you disease is often a perfectionist in disguise—a critical-eyed person. Even when things are good, she has to find a reason why it could be better. She’s continually trying to jump over the high bar of life, then raising it—both on herself and others. At any time, she pulls out her internal measuring stick to check on her husband’s progress. Even if he does jump favorably over the bar, she simply pushes the bar higher and tells him, “Try it again.” So he keeps jumping higher and higher until the goal is impossible, and he fails.
Then what happens? She rejects him. “You’re such a loser. Why did I marry you anyway?”
If you want to stab a man in the heart, reject him. Act like he’s worthless. Give him the cold treatment. Don’t fulfill him sexually. Because rejection is what every man fears more than anything else. And he fears it most from you, because he cares the most about what you think. He has few friends, yet he has risked letting you into his heart and life. And that’s why your rejection hurts him the most. Because men like to appear in control, they are inwardly worried that their weaknesses will be discovered. That they will look inadequate. That they will be rejected.
REJECTION IS WHAT EVERY MAN FEARS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.
Have you ever asked your guy, “Do I look fat in this dress?”
If so, you’ve put him in a lose-lose situation. He can’t win, no matter how he responds. He will most certainly fail in your expectations and be rejected. If he says, “You look great in that,” you’ll respond, “You’re lying. I know I look fat.” And no man in his right mind will respond to that question with the truth: “Yes, you really do look fat in that dress. If I were you, I wouldn’t wear it to dinner.”
You put your guy in a losing situation any time you ask him to comment on your body shape—something women are sensitive about anyway. But let’s face it. Neither you nor your guy look the same as you did when you were teenagers.
So why not save those questions for your girlfriends, who are probably bemoaning the same things anyway?
WHAT’S YOURS IS HIS!
You want to bet this is true. When you agreed to marry this man and “to have and to hold” him for a lifetime, everything that was yours became his, and everything that was his became yours. But you might be surprised what he considers “his.”
And it doesn’t only include your body. It includes your stuff—if there’s any that he wants, like your secret stash of chocolate pretzels—anything on your plate, your car keys, and the pile of papers and bills you wish he hadn’t looked through.
Allowing him to claim “your stuff” is a symbol of respect in your guy’s view. Most especially in the area of food!
QUIZ
Offering your girlfriend’s husband your leftover filet mignon at dinner is
A. not a problem. After all, that steak tasted like roadkill, but Phil will eat anything.
B. a kind and thoughtful gesture (Phil still looked hungry).
C. a sure way to cut your fat intake for the day in half.
D. gross. You offered it because he looked so eager but never dreamed he’d take you up on it.
For answers, see #6 THING HE’LL NEVER TELL YOU.
MULTITASKER EXTRAORDINAIRE
I’ve said this earlier, but I’ll say it again. Women are extraordinarily gifted at juggling multiple tasks simultaneously. That amazes and intimidates us men. In fact, men can feel dissed by their wives’ sheer busyness because a woman’s life entails myriad relationships and details.
I’m awestruck at the way my wife can juggle eight balls in the air at once, and none of them come tumbling down. I juggle two things at once and get exhausted.
Here’s one example. Sande is a wonderful cook, even though when we got married, she couldn’t cook a stick. Even more miraculous, when she cooks, she gets everything to come out at the same time! When I cook, I tell the kids, “Okay, everybody get to the table. We’re going to have corn.” Fifteen minutes later, I call, “Okay, get back to the table. The baked potatoes are ready.” Ten minutes after that, “Okay, the chicken’s ready!” That’s my idea of multitasking. Then there’s Sande, who delivers it all to the table at the same time . . . and steaming hot too. How she does that is a mystery to me still, after all these years.
Even when she was working at Shabby Hattie and arriving home at 5:30, Sande managed to pull off dinners to die for. Every once in a while I surprised her by cooking dinner. One night I thought, Hey, her best meal is that fabulous pork tenderloin, and I could do that. Nothing to it! I knew she poured some kind of soup over it when she baked it in the oven, but I wasn’t sure what kind. Because I didn’t want her to know what I was up to (remember: I’m the baby of the family, and babies like surprises), I didn’t phone her to ask.
I SHOULD HAVE CALLED. I WOULD HAVE SAVED 18 BUCKS ON PORK TENDERLOIN.
In retrospect, I should have called. I would have saved 18 bucks on pork tenderloin. But I was determined to do it all myself. And boy, I should have received an A for effort. I browned the chunk of meat on the stove, then poured the soup over it and placed it in the oven, savoring the heavenly aromas.
When we sat down for dinner, I was feeling good about myself . . . until Sande and the kids got a look at my creation. It looked . . . gross.
Sande danced around a few pieces of it but couldn’t seem to get it down her throat. The kids just eyed each other, then promptly said they weren’t very hungry.
All because I’d poured chicken noodle soup (and not onion soup) over that roast, and when the roast came out of the oven, those little white noodles looked like maggots!
I ate it—all of it. Nobody else would touch it.
I like contributing to my family and helping Sande, but sometimes my efforts don’t always turn out well—like that pork tenderloin. It’s fortunate that Sande has a great sense of humor and understands how important it is to me, as a man, to try. And not only to try but to have her notice my efforts. That’s why, when I’m setting the table for her, I rattle the glasses a little so Sande will know that I’m helping and thank me. Even if I’m not a multitasker extraordinaire, like Sande, I need to be acknowledged for my part in the family.
So does your guy!
THE MAN’S #1 COMMANDMENT
What’s the man’s #1 commandment? “Thou shalt not diss me.”
Your man needs to be respected, he needs to be needed, he needs to be fulfilled. And none of his three basic needs are covered if he feels disrespected.
When guys are dissed, their immediate response is to get quiet. But they are actually roaring inside. Did you ever see the movie The Lion King and hear the song lyrics, “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight”?
Your male lion may look docile, lying around and yawning or flicking his tail at a fly every once in a while, but beware if you get him angry. He may lie there quietly for a while, but his roar will come out loudly later. When you least expect it, he may strike.
Danny had felt dissed for years and had never told his wife, Lauren, how he felt . . . until the big blowup. Danny was an electrician’s apprentice, working 55 hours a week to keep his family afloat. When their youngest child went to first grade, Lauren got a job. Quickly she rose to the top as a designer. Within the first year, she was making twice as much as Danny. Every time she brought home a paycheck, he felt dissed. Now it was Lauren who was providing for the family, more than he was. By the second year, they were able to buy a nicer car and move into a three-bedroom home. Their children started attending a private school. But that didn’t make Danny any happier.
YOUR MALE LION MAY LOOK DOCILE, LYING AROUND AND YAWNING OR FLICKING HIS TAIL AT A FLY EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, BUT BEWARE IF YOU GET HIM ANGRY.
The final straw was when he overheard his son, Troy, boasting to another fourth grader on the playground, “My mommy makes more than your daddy!”
Danny was quiet that night over dinner. After the kids were in bed, he told his wife he was going to run an errand . . . and he didn’t come home.
FIGHT FAIR!
Every couple has “those moments” when words come out flying. So when you have to fight, at least fight fair!
1. Remember that fighting is an act of cooperation.
2. Stay on the subject at hand.
3. Don’t be a bone digger, bringing up past stuff.
4. Avoid the words you and never, as in “You never listen to me!”
5. Face each other and hold hands.
6. Have one person talk at a time. Do not interrupt.
7. When one person’s done, the other person can respond.
8. After that exchange, clarify only if the issue needs to be clarified (i.e., someone has the wrong perception). Don’t kill a dead horse.
9. If things get too hot, call a time out. Kids need recess, and you may too!
10. Don’t avoid the topic. After your break, tackle it again the same day. Do not let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26).
Later he called her and left a message: “I’m leaving you. You and the kids don’t need me anymore. I hope you all have a good life.”
Lauren was furious—and shocked. How could he do this? He’d never said anything about being unhappy before. And now he was leaving? Where did all this come from? she wondered.
Danny did come back after a week. It took a year of counseling with both Danny and Lauren for them to reconcile the issue. Lauren finally came to understand why Danny was so upset—that she made more money than he did.
I can already hear some of you interjecting a few words of your own. “What’s with that? He’s such a sexist! He should have been glad that they could buy a bigger house and a better car and send the kids to a private school.”
But listen to where Danny was coming from. His father had been a meek individual who always “did what he was told.” Danny’s mom ran the household . . . and her husband’s life. At the age of 53, Danny’s father committed suicide. All Danny had left of him was a tattered note that read, All I wanted was some respect.
There would be fewer divorces if there were more “no fault”marriages.
—Unknown
Danny was afraid that if his wife made more than him, she would run the household instead of him.
A lot more was going on in Danny’s head and heart than his wife could ever have known!
Am I being a sexist and using this example to say you should quit your job if you make more than your husband? Not at all. Ralph and Louise have made that same scenario work—and happily so—for over 25 years. The difference between the couples is what’s “behind the story.” For Danny, having his wife make more than he did scared and emasculated him. He didn’t feel respected or honored in his own home. Even his son knew that his daddy wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain.
Ralph was a very confident guy from a stable, loving background. He and his wife went out to celebrate every time he got a pay raise and every time she got a pay raise!
The apostle Paul was talking to guys when he said, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”2 An interesting choice of words.
A husband is to love his wife. And affection (translate: love) is her top need!
A wife is to respect her husband. And respect is his top need!
Mariage is about putting your spouse’s needs above your own. And that means choosing to respect your husband, whether or not you agree with him. Respect can’t be based on his job (or lack of a job), on whether he succeeds (or fails), but on who he is.
We all would do well to follow his advice.
If you show your man respect, he’ll do anything for you. You’ll have a true, lifelong, loyal partner.