7 Things He'll Never Tell You

I will never forget seeing the firemen running into the burning World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001. They were risking their lives to save others, people they didn’t even know, and many of them died that day. Yes, those men were in a job that called for putting their lives on the line, but that day—and in the days to follow—those New York City firemen went beyond the call of duty.

There were others, such as Todd Beamer, who knew he would die for such an action but chose to rush the terrorists on United Flight 93—the only terrorist-guided plane on 9/11 that didn’t hit its intended target. Did Todd wake up that day saying, “I’m going to be a hero?” Certainly not. He boarded what he thought would be a normal business flight. Yet his final words on earth, “Let’s roll!” became the rallying cry of a nation.¹

I remember turning to my wife that day, as we sat stunned and horrified, and saying in a choked-up voice, “Now those are real men.”

Those men (and women) made the supreme sacrifice. They knocked down walls to rescue people with little or no thought to the risk they were taking themselves. They risked their own physical safety on board a plane to put others first.

Do you have any idea, ladies, how much your husband wants to be your hero? How he needs to be your hero? For you, he would knock down a wall with gusto and not worry about the peril to himself.

LONGING TO BE YOUR HERO IS WHAT DRIVES YOUR MAN.

Longing to be your hero is what drives your man. It’s what makes him work the long hours and put up with that long commute. It’s why he boards the plane every Wednesday and doesn’t come back until Friday. There are parameters around how sold out his soul is to his company. But you? If he feels respected, needed, and fulfilled by you, there are no holds barred. He would do anything. He would take a bullet for you.

IF HE FEELS RESPECTED, NEEDED, AND FULFILLED BY YOU, THERE ARE NO HOLDS BARRED. HE WOULD DO ANYTHING. HE WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR YOU.

Because that’s what a real man does . . . and how he becomes a hero in the eyes of the woman he loves.

If you’ve seen any James Bond flicks, you know what to expect. Even in the midst of adventure, danger, and intrigue, James Bond always has time to woo a lady. And his ladies aren’t wimpy creatures either. Most of them can stand on their own two feet—and put you in your place too.

I can relate. I love Italian-American families. I grew up with them in New York. The men may act like they run the family, but the reality is that the women run the family. They just allow the men to feel like they do!

I GREW UP WITH ITALIANS IN NEW YORK. THE MEN MAY ACT LIKE THEY RUN THE FAMILY, BUT THE REALITY IS THAT THE WOMEN RUN THE FAMILY. THEY JUST ALLOW THE MEN TO FEEL LIKE THEY DO!

QUIZ

There’s a misconception among many that men want helpless women. Rhonda fell into that trap. She was 38, not yet married but longing to be. For over 10 years she had wanted to buy a house—a yellow house—and plant a garden. But year after year she stayed in an apartment because she was afraid if she looked too self-sufficient, no guy would ever want her. She thought he’d be scared of her independence.

But a healthy man doesn’t want a helpless woman. He desires a capable woman who has a sense of independence and self-sufficiency, yet is still vulnerable and needs rescuing every once in a while.

He wants to be your own live-action James Bond, leaping tall buildings for you and zooming off to your rescue. He needs you to depend on him. He wants to provide for you. He craves your respect and admiration. And, yes, he wants you to respond to him sexually with the fervor of a James Bond woman. He wants you to be excited and exciting in bed.

Your man may not be the top dog at work, he may not have the fastest car, he may be losing what few looks he had to begin with, his hair may be falling out while his gut is growing, but if his honey loves him in every way, he will feel young again. He’ll take on the world—that troublesome boss, a difficult vocational challenge, or that seemingly closed job market—one more time. Twenty firms may have rejected him, but if the man has a loving wife at home, he’ll retreat every evening after his job search to his own personal island of love. He’ll be recharged enough to wake up the next day to visit 20 more firms.

The fulfillment that he gets at work doesn’t pack even one ounce of the emotional punch that your whispered words, “James, I love you . . . I need you . . .” do.

As John Eldredge says, “There is nothing so inspiring to a man as a beautiful woman. She’ll make you want to charge the castle, slay the giant, leap across the parapets. . . . A man wants to be the hero to the beauty.”³

Every time I see the gymnasts at the Olympics, I marvel. Exactly how do they mount and do all those exercises on a balance beam the width of a two-by-four? Gymnasts have incredible balance, strength, and determination. My body hurts just watching the guys on the rings who hold their entire bodies up by the strength in their arms!

But even real heroes get the worst of life and fall off the balance beam occasionally. Sometimes your real-life hero needs your help and encouragement to get back on.

I got a phone call last week from a desperate 54-year-old man. After his company downsized and his position was cut, he had spent three months looking for work, and the last six months driving semis cross-country. In that time, he had seen his kids for only 14 days. He and his family were merely trying to survive. He was embarrassed, deep down, that his wife had to sign up for food stamps. “I just wonder if life is worth living any more,” he said. “I can’t even provide for my family.”

Another couple, Bill and Kristine, had married later in life. They were both 50 and had two adolescent children. Kristine worked part-time as a teacher, and her husband’s job paid the bills. Then he lost his job and had difficulty finding a new one at his age. Kristine picked up the slack. She took a full-time teacher position and was able to get health coverage as well. But her husband was devastated. There was no way their family could live on her small salary; it barely covered their house payment.

Somehow they managed to make it for three months on their slim savings. By the fourth month, though, their refrigerator and pantry shelves were bare.

One afternoon, friends of theirs, Evan and Rebecca, showed up with a carload of groceries. Bill, a tough, stocky guy, stood at the door and wept. “It is so hard for me to receive this,” he said. “I have never asked for charity. I’m not a slacker. What can I do for you?”

You see, Bill needed to do something for the family who helped him. They gave him groceries, but he needed to provide something in return. So that afternoon, he went to Evan and Rebecca’s home and helped Evan cut up a tree in his backyard that had fallen in a storm. By the end of the afternoon, the tree was cut into firewood-size pieces. Another change had taken place, too. Instead of a defeated look, Bill was smiling. There was a new spring in his step.

Two days later Kristine called Rebecca and said, “Thank you for giving Bill back his manhood. He’s smiling again and has decided to try job hunting in a different direction.”

Life today is uncertain. One guy I know had 25 years with Radio Shack, until they closed a huge number of stores due to stiff competition. Imagine—you have spent a quarter of a century with a company, then the store closes and you are no longer employed! Good old Radio Shack notified thousands of people through e-mail that they were history with the company.

• Does she know how fulfilled I feel when I can provide what I want to provide for my family—and how it hurts me inside when I can’t?

When life throws your man a curve, who does he turn to? His buddies? The Chicago Bears he loves to watch? No, he turns to you. But if you’re too busy to listen to what he has to say, or too scared to listen to what he has to say (because you may be thinking, He wants to change jobs? Move across the country? I can’t pick up and move like that!), he will bury himself in his work. Worst of all, you will miss seeing your hero’s heart.

It’s crucial for a man to know that, even though he may be inadequate at some things, he still has your respect and belief in him as a provider. A man gets his psychological jollies from providing for his family—it’s part of his God-given drive that needs to be fulfilled.

That’s why a man, even more than a woman, fears losing or changing jobs. The Lone Ranger mentality is so strong that it’s emasculating for a man to admit he’s “lost”—whether for directions, in his career, in his relationship with you, or in any other area of his life.

It’s why more women go to counseling sessions than men. It takes a long time and a lot of humility for a guy to admit, “I need help!” That’s why you, the love of his life, may need to offer him that gentle nudge toward healing.

That healing begins with your belief in him and your undying trust that, even in the toughest of times, he and you will make it.

IT TAKES A LONG TIME AND A LOT OF HUMILITY FOR A GUY TO ADMIT, “I NEED HELP!”

Once in a while I listen to the Top 40 radio station in Tucson. One morning I heard a program they call The War of the Roses. It’s a scam program, where a radio-station employee phones a guy, says that they are giving away free flowers—no strings attached—and asks who to send the flowers to. The scam is that the guy’s wife or girlfriend is behind the call. She doesn’t trust him and wants to know if he’s cheating on her.

“All you’ve got to do,” the radio employee tells the guy, “is tell us who they are to be sent to . . . and then recommend our wonderful service.”

This particular morning, the program had a husband on the phone. “Great!” he said. “Send them to my secretary.”

“You know these are red roses, right?” the radio employee asked. “Romantic roses?”

“That’s okay,” the husband said. “Today is her birthday, so this will be perfect.”

“Wait a minute!” the guy’s wife yelled from where she was inside the radio-station studio. “You’re not going to send them to me?”

The husband was understandably confused about where the new voice was coming from. So he answered, “No, please send them to my secretary. Thanks.”

The woman was furious. She got on the phone and said, “When it’s my birthday, you don’t send me flowers. And now, even when they’re free, you won’t send me flowers! What is wrong with you?”

For the next 10 minutes, the wife accused him of having an affair, lambasting him for not being affectionate to her, and accusing him with, “You’re just like every other guy I’ve known. A loser!”

After her long diatribe, how did the man respond? With a sad, “You know we just don’t do those things, honey. Like give each other roses.”

He was a normal guy—sort of a geek, but a hardworking, responsible, loyal husband who had a good job and provided well for his wife. At one point he said he had to get back to work and ended by saying, “I love you. We’ll have to talk about this later.” And he hung up.

Finally, after more discussion, the woman admitted to the radio-station personnel that she was having an affair and she had thought her husband was too.

Climb inside a guy’s mind . . . Why would I send my wife flowers? They just die! What would that say about our relationship?

In response to that conversation, radio callers reacted with, “What is wrong with that woman?”

Day by day, that husband was quietly being a hero, providing for a woman who didn’t appreciate him and who didn’t trust him.

WITHOUT TRUST, THERE CAN BE NO RELATIONSHIP.

Then there are couples like Kaye and Rich. Kaye has been wheelchair-bound with MS for the past three years. Rich is an active cycler and racquetball player. He just turned in his resignation to his boss yesterday. “I want to spend more time with Kaye,” Rich told his boss. “She is my reason for living.”

There is such trust, loyalty, honor, and respect in their relationship in the midst of Kaye’s illness that all who see their sweet interactions marvel and count their own blessings.

I was drinking my coffee one day at home and overhearing the chatter between my wife, Sande; my daughter Krissy; and Debbie, my assistant. They were talking about going out for lunch together.

“I gotta go,” I told them and headed out the door for work. But on the way, I happened to drive by the restaurant where they were going to have lunch. On a whim, I pulled in and found the maître d’ of the place.

“My wife is coming here for lunch at 12:30. She has reservations for three, plus a baby. I’d like to pay for her lunch,” I announced.

“I’d like you to just swipe my card while I’m here, so I can pay for her lunch. Then tell her that her lunch is already paid for.”

“Very well,” the maître d’ said and swiped my card, then continued to study me with that are-you-really-all-right-in-the-head stare as she waited for my card to process.

Just then a waitress called her away for a minute. The two women began to talk. Sixty seconds later, the waitress walks over to me. Her order pad is clasped against her chest, and tears are streaming down her cheeks. “Oh, I just heard what you were doing, and I had to tell you: that is so sweet!”

I shuffled my feet (the male thing to do when you don’t know what to say). “I just thought it would be nice to take care of my sweetie.”

It wasn’t until I was a couple of miles down the road that it hit me: that waitress had probably never experienced affection or love in her life. Likely she didn’t have a kind father or a man who had ever loved her as she was. That had to be why my action affected her so much.

Heroes can do big things—like rescue you out of a burning building. But they also do the smaller things. Like making all the phone calls for repair work on your car. Or cleaning your pet bird’s cage (when he doesn’t even like birds) to give you a break. Or buying you your favorite bath soak “just because” he thought you’d enjoy a break after some hectic deadlines. Or calling State Farm for the second time in a month after you’ve scraped the same telephone pole. (If I could just get her to stop when she hits something, it would save me thousands.) Or taking your daughter out to shoot arrows into hay bales at the neighbors’ to give you time to prepare for her surprise birthday party.

He’ll show up, night after night, for Little League. He’ll take your daughter to the store to buy a new fish when hers dies. He’ll run to the store at 10 p.m. to get Midol and tampons when it’s that time of the month and you’ve run out. (And he’ll pray the whole time he’s in the store that no one will yell, “Price check!” in the checkout lane.)

He’ll also be the family funeral director. In our house, we have buried just about everything you can imagine, including a dog, fish, cats, and rodents. One father told me, “I saw no problem with standing over the toilet bowl to give the fish a burial at sea with a royal flush send-off until I saw my daughter, red eyed and crying. It made me go out and find a burial place in the yard. We even made a cross with twigs and a rubber band to put over the fish’s resting spot.”

Your hero is honored by helping out at such an emotional time, and glad to be the guardian of your and your children’s (especially your daughter’s) emotions.

If you follow through on his basic needs and fill his love tank, he’ll be the happiest guy on the planet. He’ll be steel on the outside, protecting you physically and emotionally, and velvet on the inside, soft toward you, tender with the kids, and intimately involved in your family’s life.

Listen to what St. Paul’s words say in Ephesians 5: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”⁴ To a man, that means, “I’d die for you. I’ll be your hero. I’ll protect you. I’ll share your concerns, fears, and tears (even if I don’t always ‘get’ them).”

Real men spit, scratch, and argue with you. They get grumpy when you leave the refrigerator door open . . . again. They roll their eyes when you back the car through the garage door.

They sometimes play possum—especially in the middle of the night when a baby is crying. And on other nights, they say magnanimously, “Don’t worry, I’ll get up and rock the baby.”

They don’t notice things for a very long time. Over the summer, my wife purchased an ornate fountain that features angels. It sat around all summer because we needed to get somebody to help us hang it on an outside wall of our house.

One September day, as I arrived home, Sande greeted me enthusiastically. Her hands were clasped together in a devout prayer position underneath her chin, and she was stomping her feet like she was really excited (either that, or she needed to use the restroom and I needed to get out of her way). Moving her hands to rest on one side of her cheek, she lay her face down against them, as if they were a pillow, and sighed happily. “Did you see it? What did you think?”

She marches me out to where it’s hanging on the wall. Yep, I sure did miss it. I’m not sure how, though, since it’s about six feet high and four and a half feet wide. But I’m sure I would have noticed it, had she put on the wall right beside it Mickey Mantle’s trading card. Then I would have been all over it!

Most of us real men are decoration challenged. We’re color-blind. We’re allergic to doing laundry.

We gladly hear the secrets of your heart, but sometimes we just grunt in response. (However, that doesn’t mean that we haven’t taken in every word that you’ve said.)

If you respect, need, and fulfill us, we’ll play Monster every night with the kids and love it. Even if we don’t have a good-paying job or aren’t happy doing what we’re doing, we’ll catch the kids at night and pretend to salt and pepper them. Then we’ll pretend to take a bite of their bellies for dinner.

The woman hearing and observing this will be smiling, saying to herself, I’m so glad I married that folically challenged man. He’s gained 19 pounds and that doesn’t matter a bit. He sure does love me and the kids!

You see, something wonderful happens when you fulfill your man’s top three needs. That man will take a bullet for you. He will stand his ground and go to bat for you . . . always.

But he will also live for you. He’ll vacuum for you without you asking when your mother arrives for her “surprise” visit. He’ll want to share your heart. He’ll want to know what your deepest desires are . . . and he’ll want to help fulfill them. He’ll want to please you—the most important person in his life—in every way possible.

He’ll be a man like my son-in-law, Dennis. When two of Sande’s and my daughters, Krissy and Holly, decided to do a “sister thing” and go to a University of Arizona game together, Dennis had care of little Conner (almost three), and Adeline (one year). I was flying in that day, so I met Sande, Dennis, and the grandbabies later. When I saw Adeline, I couldn’t help but notice peaches all over her face and nose. You could tell Dennis had had an interesting few hours while Mommy was at the game. But all three were smiling and happy.

I could tell that day that Dennis was exhausted being a daddy. But he was doing a great job juggling the multiple tasks of caring for two very active little ones.

I couldn’t help but look at him and think, Here is one of the heroes of the next generation. Boy, Krissy knows how to pick ’em, doesn’t she?

For right in front of me I saw an everyday hero in action. And I couldn’t have been more proud of him . . . even if my granddaughter’s face did need a good washing!

Winning is finding and implementing a solution that both people can feel good about. In healthy relationships, everyone wins.