Serena closed her eyes and listened to the rain. She shivered a bit, not from cold but from nerves. She shouldn’t have kissed him. What a horrible idea. He’d been so kind and so close and so caring. She’d lost all common sense for several minutes.
Her defenses had been down, and she’d been raw from telling her story. It had made her vulnerable and open. It had happened so naturally too, which also unnerved her. She’d never felt that kind of connection with a man before. Not even James.
She pursed her lips as she thought of James. The contrast between Ajax and James was wider than the Grand Canyon. They couldn’t be more different if they tried.
She’d broken up with James over a year ago, but her mother still asked her about him to this day, sighing in disappointment. It happened often enough that Serena had to hold her tongue many times, coming close to telling her mother if she liked James so much, she should marry him.
At twenty-eight and the oldest of five, it was practically blasphemous that Serena wasn’t married—at least as far as her mom was concerned. Serena had no desire to tie herself down to a man and a household and live in the patriarchal society her mother lived in.
It didn’t matter that Serena was born and raised in the evangelical church that indoctrinated her for her entire life. She’d been shaped by a different set of circumstances from her brothers and sisters. Not just because of the incident with the uniforms. It was more than that.
She’d been eighteen when her father was murdered. She’d known and understood more about what was happening and why. Her brother had been sixteen and withdrawn. The next two siblings were sisters. Fourteen and twelve. The youngest was another brother. Ten.
Serena had gone back to the States with her mother and siblings. They’d returned to the town they’d lived in before leaving for Ethiopia and rejoined the church her father had served in fourteen years prior.
The community rallied around them and helped them get settled. That included her mother’s sister and her husband—Serena’s aunt and uncle. They’d taken the six of them in and helped them get back on their feet.
Serena had become a parent overnight. Not that her mother was absent. She did her best to swallow the tremendous loss and shoulder the burden, but she hadn’t been able to do it alone. More and more responsibility had fallen on Serena’s shoulders.
And that had become her new life. Her own goals went on the back burner. She didn’t have friends because she had nothing in common with anyone in her town. She’d been homeschooled in a third-world country for heaven’s sake.
A year later, Serena finally got to do something important to her. Attend college.
Her mother had thought it was a frivolous idea and not useful, but she’d permitted Serena to attend the local junior college. Serena had worked hard to get a scholarship. If she hadn’t managed to get the funds, there was no way she could have gone.
But she had, and she’d gotten all honors, and she’d been accepted to a state school an hour away after she received her associate’s degree. That had been liberating. For the first time in her life, she had something that was hers. Something that would better her life. She’d earned this second scholarship on merit and been awarded grants for the difference.
She took classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and helped her mother around the house the rest of the week. She studied late at night and on weekends, not wanting to fall behind. She was proud of her accomplishments and graduated with honors.
Her mother hadn’t said much about her oldest daughter’s achievements because she’d never thought any of that was necessary. She’d wanted Serena to marry someone in the church and become a dutiful housewife.
That might have been fine for Serena’s younger siblings, but Serena had no interest. Her youngest and final sibling had gotten married a few months ago.
Serena knew she was a bit of an embarrassment to her mother, and she might have even caved and fallen into the trap a time or two over the years if it hadn’t been for Serena’s Aunt Ruth.
On the outside, Ruth appeared no different from her sister. She’d married a man from the church young like Mary and had become a housewife. The difference was that Ruth had never had children. Apparently, God hadn’t seen fit to grace her with little ones, and that was her lot in life, Serena’s mother had said.
Ruth had never seemed to mind. She wasn’t bitter or angry or any of the things Mary murmured behind her sister’s back.
One day soon after returning to the States, when all of them were staying with her aunt and uncle, Serena had been up in the middle of the night sipping herbal tea on the back porch when Aunt Ruth had joined her.
In hindsight, Serena considered the next hour to be a turning point in her life. A night that shaped her, similar to the night she’d run to Jasmine’s house and learned about the secret “bible study” that empowered women.
It turned out Aunt Ruth didn’t have any kids because she hadn’t wanted them. As far as Serena knew, to this day, besides Ruth’s husband, Serena was the only person Ruth had ever confided in. Aunt Ruth had seen a spark in Serena and encouraged her to be whatever she wanted. Not to let society or the church or her own mother dictate her future.
That second empowering, defining moment in Serena’s life set the groundwork for what would become her future.
“You’re awfully quiet,” Ajax whispered. His arm was still wrapped around her, his fingers stroking her shoulder.
“Just thinking.”
“About that kiss?” He squeezed her arm.
She shook her head. “Okay, maybe a little.”
He chuckled. “It was a nice kiss.”
She flushed, glad he couldn’t see her face because she was staring at her lap. But she couldn’t keep from smiling. He was right. It had been nice. It had been more than just nice. It had awakened something in her she’d never felt before. One silly kiss.
“I know you grew up in a very conservative home with overprotective parents, but you’re twenty-eight. Please tell me you’ve been kissed.”
“Of course, I have.” Just not like that.
He blew out a relieved breath. “Good. I’d hate to find out I’d stolen something from you while sitting under a tarp in the rain waiting for a helicopter in a third-world country.”
She giggled. How did he manage to lighten the tension so easily? It wasn’t so much what he’d said. It was his tone. Goofy. Jovial.
“Stolen something from me?” she teased.
“Yeah. You know. Like your innocence or some shit,” he joked.
“I’m not that innocent, Ajax.”
Did he stiffen next to her?
Her heart beat rapidly and she squeezed her knees together. He awakened something in her she’d never felt before. It scared her and intrigued her at the same time.
If they weren’t trapped under this tarp trying to keep dry, she would do her best to get away from him so she could clear her head. But that wasn’t an option. She was stuck in his space, practically in his lap for the foreseeable future. It would be at least another hour or two before the helicopter arrived, and then what? It was unlikely that she’d be separating from Ajax.
“Are you sure? You seem kind of embarrassed and…” he tipped her head back with a finger under her chin, “yeah, that’s what I thought. Flushed.”
She rolled her eyes. “I flush easily.” That was true, but it was because she embarrassed easily too. “Can we change the subject?”
He chuckled. “Okay. Have you been in a helicopter before?”
“No. Have you?” She winced. “Duh.” Of course, he has.
He chuckled again. “I can fly one actually. That’s why my teammates call me Birdman.”
She jerked her head up again. “That’s kind of rare, isn’t it? A SEAL who is also an aviator?”
“Yeah, it’s beyond rare. I’m not an aviator officer or anything. I just had a curiosity and learned to fly on my downtime several years ago. The guys liked to tease me that at least if we ever got in a bind and lost our pilots, I could get us out of a sticky situation. Not sure they were right, but I suppose I had more training than anyone else, so perhaps.”
“That’s kind of cool. Have you considered flying as a profession, now that you’re out of the Navy?”
He shrugged, his gaze straight ahead, seeing nothing. “I haven’t considered anything. I spent the last three months feeling sorry for myself and moping.”
“Understandable.” She couldn’t resist wrapping her arm around him and pressing her body against his side. What was it about this man?
She’d spent the last sixteen years cringing every time she saw a man in uniform. To her, they were a sign of danger. She would never trust a man in the military again in her life.
But Ajax was different. Perhaps because she hadn’t seen him in uniform and never would. He was out. No matter what happened this week, he would still be a civilian. Discharged against his will.
He stroked her hair again. “Are you nervous about this helicopter then?”
She shrugged against him. “Trying not to think about it.”
Ajax pulled her tight. He did that a lot. He kissed the top of her head again too, which sent chills down her body. She found she liked it, and she was certain she shouldn’t. What the heck was going on between them?
“Please tell me you don’t get motion sickness or something.”
She chuckled. “No. I’ll be fine.”
His hand still in her hair, he stroked the locks that had escaped her twisted braid. “Tell me about this hair. You said it’s not a religious thing. I’m curious why you keep it so long.”
She shrugged. “I mean, it’s not a rule in the church or anything specific. Not everyone in my church has long hair, but a lot of the women do. It’s just that my mother has never cut hers and neither have my sisters. I’ve thought about it sometimes. Being a rebel. Chopping it all off and getting a nice stylish bob or something.”
Ajax shuddered against her. “Don’t do it.”
She tipped her head back and narrowed her gaze. “What does it matter to you?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Just can’t picture it. It’s…you.”
“You’ve only seen it down once, in the dark. How is it me?”
“It made an impression, I guess. Like a missing piece to a puzzle that made me know you better.”
“And what do you know about me that has anything to do with not cutting my hair?” She narrowed her gaze. On the one hand, it was kind of cute that he had such a strong opinion and liked her hair. On the other hand, it was so like a man to stick his nose into a woman’s business and try to control even her hairstyle.
He slid his fingers down to the twisted braid that created a loose bun at the nape of her neck and wrapped his entire palm around it. “I don’t know. It’s gorgeous and…innocent and sexy at the same time. Does that make sense?”
She swallowed. She wasn’t sure. She knew one thing for certain though. “That there is why I’m not married. Next time some well-meaning church lady sticks her nose in my business and asks me why I’m not married, I’m going to tell her it’s because I might want short purple hair one day.” She grinned.
He furrowed his brow. “Not sure I followed your logic.”
She shrugged. This had gotten deep and heavy in a hurry. “I’m just saying I was raised in a patriarchal world, one in which the man is the head of the household, one in which he would tell me I can’t cut my hair.” She shuddered at the thought. Literally felt that weird panic that came to the surface every time someone brought up marriage.
Ajax winced and stiffened. “Yikes. I didn’t mean it that way.”
She narrowed her gaze, challenging him. “What way did you mean it then?”
He licked his lips. “Well, not as an order. I would never in my life tell a woman what to do. My mom would have my hide if I ever for a moment insinuated I had some sort of say in a woman’s haircut or her clothes or her job or anything for that matter.”
Serena smiled. “Sounds like your mom is pretty smart. She sounds a little like my aunt. Silently defiant. I mean, your parents seem rather traditional, but also not.”
“Yeah. That’s pretty accurate. She likes taking care of us and my Dad, but don’t ever tell her it’s her place in life. She’ll give you a two-hour lecture about women’s rights and how they should get an education and think for themselves. Etc. Etc.”
“I bet I would like her.”
Ajax smoothed his hand over her hair again and looked at it. “I’m just saying I like your hair. It’s gorgeous. Soft. Silky. Sexy…” He winked at her. “But I’d drive you to get it cut if it made you happy.”
A tight knot formed in her stomach. Something foreign to her. She stared at his face, searching it, finding him sincere. There was probably a balance in life, and some people were lucky enough to find it. His foster mom obviously had. Aunt Ruth had too. A man who supported them and treated them as equals. A man who didn’t judge them or tell them what they must do.
On the outside, it seemed Serena’s aunt and uncle had fairly traditional roles. Her aunt stayed home and took care of the house. People felt sorry for her that she’d never had kids. What they didn’t know was that Aunt Ruth had taken birth control her entire life because she didn’t want kids. She’d also gotten an online degree that took her several years. She didn’t just cook and clean. She managed all of their finances and investments. Serena’s uncle was well aware that his wife was far more educated than him, and he loved her to pieces.
“You’ve got that pensive look again,” Ajax said. “Thinking about that kiss?”
She chuckled. “You’re so vain.” She kind of liked this banter. The two of them had undergone a one-eighty in their odd relationship. She was pretty sure it happened in the middle of the night when he’d stroked her hair the first time.
Whatever it was, it had solidified as they sat there, huddled together in the rain, awaiting transport to the Afar region. This entire job was way out of her comfort zone. But saving people was not. She was used to saving people. Not from hostage situations, but was it really all that different?
“How long have you worked for Charley?” Ajax asked, shifting the conversation again.
“Two years.”
“And you’ve never met her?”
“Nope. It’s not that odd really. There’s a hierarchy. I’ve met my direct boss. It’s like Charley is farther up the food chain. I’ve never considered it odd that I haven’t met her.”
“But you don’t know the rest of her name or where she lives or who she gets her intel from,” he pointed out.
“True. But I do know she’s a philanthropist who does good deeds and saves people. That’s all I need to know.”
He nodded slowly. “I guess.”
“Most likely it would be dangerous for any of us to know who she is or any other detail about her. Dangerous for her and for us.”
“She must be someone with a current position high up in the government.”
“That’s my thinking. But I don’t have any idea.”
“She also has a deep wallet,” Ajax commented. “Which means she has money. She’s either independently wealthy or someone is funding her.”
“Yep.”
“You don’t care, do you?” he inquired.
“Nope. I only care that we rescue your teammates and save six lives.”
“Yeah. Me too.” He pulled her head against his chest again.
She could feel his heartbeat against her cheek. It was calming and invigorating at the same time. She could fall for this man, get lost in him. He was a danger to her heart.
She needed to rein in her odd attraction before she got hurt. Even if he kind of liked her and could kiss better than James ever did and made something come alive in her that she’d never felt before, the truth was, when it came down to it, he was way out of her league.
She got that he saw her as sweet and innocent and found that attractive. She’d seen it before. Men were so vain about such things. They all thought they alone could be “the one” to bring her to the dark side.
Serena knew she was a conundrum. She’d always marched to a different drum. Seen the world through lenses that did not match her mother’s or even her sisters’. She had a deep common sense that surfaced often.
On the one hand, she was titillated by the idea of stepping way out of her comfort zone and trying to be like everyone else. On the other hand, the idea was scary and didn’t suit her.
Unlike people who thought they could have their cake and eat it too, Serena declined the cake and the eating. It was easier this way. She liked answering to no one but herself. She had her own apartment finally and her own style.
She knew her mother didn’t approve, but she also knew the woman was proud of her. She could see it in the twinkle in her eyes. While Mary Patton lectured her at least once a week about how unseemly it was for Serena to live on her own, for her to remain unwed, for her to work full-time outside the home, and on and on and on, her mother also envied her.
Her mother would never admit it, but Serena could tell in the way she glanced away while she gave her speech as if it were rote, just something she needed to say. Not something she honestly believed. The way she walked through Serena’s apartment—the few times she’d visited—touching everything with longing and reverence. The way she would stare at Serena’s computer and her framed degrees and her calendar. Her mother envied her independence.
Serena worked hard for that independence, and she had no intention of compromising for anyone.
Men like Ajax… They saw her as a challenge. They chased her and put forth every effort, but she knew in the long run if she fell for any of them they would hurt her.
She wasn’t a toy one could play with and then stick back on the shelf. She was a human with feelings and emotions. So, she never took chances like that. And she shouldn’t take one now either.