I was on the field, running as fast as I could. Blake had already scored a goal, Kenya Barrett had scored the other, and we’d kept the other team to just one goal for the whole match. I had been in good position to score twice, chucking the ball toward the opponents’ goal with power and only missing it by inches. But then, on the last minute of the fourth quarter, Blake passed me the ball, and I hauled it toward the end of the field. I hurled the ball toward the net with a twist of the wrist, and whap! It hit the back of the opponents’ net. We’d won! Game, set, and the end of field hockey season had arrived.
I could hear my dad cheering from the stands on the opposite end of the field. “All right! That’s my baby!” he cried out. Blake and Kenya and the rest of the team high-fived and whooped and hollered. This was an amazing moment. We’d won! On a goal I’d scored! I was stoked! And I loved having people cheer my name.
But in the back of my mind, my self-doubt crept back up again. I thought about me onstage, starring in The Wiz. I thought about getting these sorts of cheers and applause for a musical I was singing and dancing in. One where I was putting my heart on display. I wondered, would my dad be just as proud? Would he cheer just as loudly? Would my friends support me just as much? My heart started beating faster as my mind raced down the rabbit hole.
As we drove home, my dad went on and on about the match. “You looked good out there, June! Quick, responsive. Look how far you’ve come in one season. You’ll be an all-star next year!”
“Thanks,” I said. My teeth clenched. I wrung my hands together out of nervousness in the back seat. I thought about what his face might look like if I told him I wanted to start performing onstage. Field hockey season was over, Thanksgiving was a few days away—I should’ve been feeling light and free and happy, but instead I was filled with anxiety.
Thanksgiving at my house was busy. Even though Mom was mostly out delivering babies and seeing patients, she always made the holiday dinner. Monday night the turkey was already thawing in the refrigerator. Tuesday meant that the time to organize cookware and table settings had come. Wednesday night, we baked the desserts. Thursday’s cooking started at dawn. Grandma, my mom’s mom, usually came over then, and the two of them would cook all day, including a big breakfast for us in between.
“Help me with these brussels sprouts while you eat your breakfast,” Mom said as I came downstairs in my pajamas.
“Brussels sprouts?” I said. “Since when did we start making brussels sprouts on Thanksgiving?”
Grandma and Mom looked at each other, then looked at me. “Since I said so,” Mom said, eyebrow raised.
I could think of no fewer than thirty vegetables I would eat before I voluntarily ate brussels sprouts. The smell alone made me wrinkle up my face. And they are hard as rocks when they are raw! I looked at the bag. I felt a tickle in my nose. The truth was literally itching to come out of me.
“What?” my mom said.
“Brussels sprouts,” I said, clenching my teeth. “Not my fave.”
“You liked them when we went to the Crab Shack?”
I clenched my teeth even harder and started rubbing my nose. I felt an urge to sneeze coming on. I did eat the ones at the Crab Shack restaurant, because they were covered in maple syrup and crunchy onions. But Mom was going to sauté these, then season them lightly with olive oil and pepper and make them all healthy. They were going to taste like hard air.
But I couldn’t tell her that. I could literally feel Victoria’s fairy godmother breath on my shoulder. I told her my real feelings in a softer way.
“Maybe the way you make them isn’t my fave,” I said.
Mom looked at me. Oh, man, I knew she was mad now. See what the truth did? I’d done this before: told people what I really thought so I could prove to Victoria I was living my truth or whatever she wanted me to do, and yet, people still got mad, and the spell still hovered over me! This is why I wrote my real opinions in my secret blog, so I didn’t get that look from people. Ugh, now I’d just ruined Thanksgiving dinner.
“You know what, I got these. You go on now.” My mom turned back to chopping up some onions, losing herself in the task of cooking to forget about my opinions of her cooking.
Greeeeaaaaaaaattt! I thought. Probably not a good time to ask if she made my favorite sweet potato pie now. Dang it, Victoria!
Lee and his grandparents were always invited to our Thanksgiving feast, especially since Lee’s parents were still at sea in the service.
Lee and I hadn’t talked much since he’d asked about Nia. And to be honest, I’d been avoiding him at school. But I was looking forward to spending some downtime with him. Spending Thanksgiving together was tradition, and I was glad to have the chance to see him.
While the adults and anyone over five feet tall cooked food, and the football game blared on the television in the background, Lee suddenly looked over at me with a sly grin on his face. “Let’s bike to my house and check on Chadwick. You’ve never met him.”
This was big. Huge.
He’d had Chadwick for a few months already, but no one had met him except for Lee’s best pal, Alvin. Lee’s pet was the most important creature in his life. He was like Lee’s beloved son. And Lee had basically just invited me to meet him. This was a big deal. This meant something. Right?
We rode our bikes over to his house, a few minutes’ ride from mine. The crisp fall air was cool enough to need a sweater, but the sunshine kept it from getting too chilly out. We arrived at his place and dumped our bikes in the driveway, then opened the fence to the backyard.
Lee ushered us onto the patio. “He’s this way. He’s in a good mood today.”
Lee opened the back door that led into the kitchen and living room. A large tank sat on a table near the back of the room. I stepped up to peer inside, and there was Chadwick. The lizard looked at me with wide eyes, sticking his tongue out at me every few seconds. He was bigger than a mouse, but smaller than a hamster. When Lee stuck his hand into the glass cage, Chadwick calmly stepped into his open palm.
Lee reached out to me. “You can hold him,” he said. “Here.”
I figured the moment would have to come at some point, but I was not enthusiastic about the idea of holding a slimy lizard. I wasn’t into cold-blooded creatures because they aren’t furry and cuddly. If I could just hold in my words of disgust, maybe Victoria wouldn’t send a lying signal my way? I couldn’t tell Lee how I felt, obviously. And I was also super nervous I might freak out and drop him if I thought about it more. And then Lee would never trust me with his pets, or anything else, again.
So I held out my sweaty hand, and Lee plopped the lizard right on. I felt my knees grow woozy, but I held on, feeling each of Chadwick’s prickly feet step onto my skin. I clenched my teeth as he settled into my palm. And then, he sat there. “Do you like him?” Lee asked.
I kept clenching my teeth. I much preferred to hold something like a hamster or gerbil. But this was Lee’s pet. His pride and joy. And he was happy I was holding him. I kept smiling, even though I wasn’t happy. Am I lying by smiling right now?!
“He likes you,” Lee said. He looked at me, elated, as if his project at the school science fair had successfully deployed.
I looked at Chadwick. He was cute, for a lizard, admittedly. I’d never seen a reptile so, like, chill before. And the longer he stayed in my hand, the more relaxed I got. “Wow, I’ve never seen him so comfortable in someone else’s hand besides mine before,” Lee said. He was beaming like a proud parent.
We both stood there staring at this innocent creature, Lee’s shoulder touching mine. I felt that weird tingly sensation again, the one that felt like I had just chugged sparkling water. My heart felt like it had an extra beat to its rhythm. I didn’t have this feeling when I stood next to anyone else.
“I’ll put his food in the dish, and then we can bounce,” Lee said. He reached for some of Chadwick’s lizard food, which to me looked like mushy sawdust, and scooped a cupful out and put it in the feeding dish in the tank. Then Lee grabbed Chadwick from my hand and placed him back into the tank. Chadwick chowed down, clearly hungry, and Lee replaced the top on the tank.
“He’s set. Now we eat,” Lee said, and grinned. “Let’s go.”
Back at my house, we sat down for a mostly delicious meal for Thanksgiving. The turkey, which my dad had cooked, was on point. As was the gravy. And the yams, even if Mom didn’t put the marshmallows on top like all the families in those TV ads do. “Too much sugar, honey,” she’d said when I asked if she would.
“It’s yams; it’s supposed to have sugar!” I had protested. “What, you going to take the brown sugar out of the pecan pie next?”
“Watch yourself, June,” Mom had said. This was now the second time me telling her how I really felt about her Thanksgiving menu had earned me a sharp-tongued response.
Meanwhile, the stuffing was next level. I mean, can anyone really mess up stuffing? I guess if you added too much water, maybe, turning it into a paste? It’s still really hard to mess up.
I thought it was impossible to mess up corn bread, too, until I took a bite of the one Lee’s grandmother had made. It was blackened on the edges. And heavy and dense, like a brick. I took a bite and almost broke a tooth off.
“You like it, baby?” Lee’s grandmother turned to me.
I froze. I couldn’t lie to the old lady. To Lee’s old lady. But I could not get my teeth through this hard corn-and-butter baked good. I kept my mouth closed around the yellow substance. My eyes darted from Lee’s grandmother, to Lee, to my mother, to Lee’s grandmother.
“I think that’s a yes?” Lee said.
I nodded. Lee had saved me! Grandma smiled and looked back down at her plate. But I felt the itch in my nose building up. In a few seconds it was like the burnt corn crumbs from the corn bread had shot up my nose. I had to sneeze. I had to inhale. I had to exhale. Which meant I had to shoot the corn bread out of my mouth and across the table in front of Lee and his grandmother and my father and the rest of our dinner guests.
Aaachhooo!—Phlleewum!—Plop! The hunk of chewed-up corn bread bounced across the table and landed in front of my dad.
Everyone looked at me. I had nowhere to run, nowhere to turn. Nothing to do but tell the truth.
“The corn bread kicked up my allergies!” I blurted.
I had graduated from the kiddie table to the adult table just a few years ago. Now, by launching my corn bread across the table, I knew I had disinvited myself from every family feast for the next millennium.
“June!” my mother exclaimed.
“I’m sorry!” I said, and got up quickly, too horrified from embarrassment to sit in front of my elders any longer. I ran into my bedroom and tried to scoot myself underneath my bed to hide for the rest of the night. But my mother found me, ushered me back to the dining table, and made me apologize to everyone on the spot. “I’m sorry I spat my corn bread out,” I said in an embarrassed tone.
“You should get yourself an antihistamine for those allergies, June,” Lee’s grandmother said.
What I needed was an anti-Victoria-mine for my issues. I’ll take two, please.
The day after Thanksgiving, Nia and Olive came over to my house. We wanted to scour the Black Friday sales online. Mom was home from the hospital making some turkey soup from the leftovers we had from Thanksgiving dinner, and Dad was getting some work done at the office, so I knew any mentions of the school musical wouldn’t reach his ears. I could rest easy for just a bit.
Nia and Olive arrived together, having ridden their bikes from Nia’s house.
“Heyyyyyy,” I said to my pals. Nia’s braids were tucked under a New York Yankees cap, and Olive’s curls were freshly fluffed from the crisp fall air blowing through her hair as she biked.
“Hey, girl,” Nia said as she strode into my house and took her hat off. Her long braids swayed across her back as she walked by me into the kitchen. “Snacks first, then shopping.”
We went to the refrigerator and grabbed a bowl of grapes, then took some popcorn and a bag of pecans and dried cranberries from the pantry and headed upstairs.
Nia breezed into my bedroom. Olive pulled out her tablet and Nia was already on her phone, looking through social media for coupons and discount codes.
“So, y’all,” Nia started. “What about Lee?”
“What about Lee?” I asked. But I knew exactly what about Lee she wanted to know. Oh man, here we go. The moment I’d been dreading.
“You know, what about Lee?”
Olive turned her head to one side. “What about Lee, as in what do we think of him? As in, do we think he’s…you know…”
“Yeah, Olive, that,” Nia confirmed.
“Why are we asking?” I spat back. Again, another question I already knew the answer to.
“Because, you know, I think he’s, like, cute and stuff.”
A fire grew in my belly. Nia of all people knew that I had…feelings for Lee. Though I hadn’t been good at expressing exactly what those feelings were. But now it was clear to me that Nia had some kind of feelings for him, too. Maybe even…a crush.
But I do feel some type of way, even if I don’t know what type of way. If I like Lee, can Nia like him, too? Is that allowed? It sounded…greedy!
“Why all of a sudden do you like him?” I blurted out.
“Because he’s cool,” Nia said.
Cool?! Lee wore his dad’s old flannel shirts to school! It wasn’t the first word I’d use to describe him!
Nia continued, “And nice. I needed help in math class the other day and he gave me his notes. And didn’t poke fun at me or anything.”
What was going on? Did I see hearts and birds chirping around Nia’s head as she talked to us about Lee? My Lee? Creek-loving Lee? The one with the pet lizard? I don’t understand.
“Anyway, I’m just saying…you think he might like me?”
“No!” I blurted out. I felt an itch in my nose. I needed to come clean quick or else I’d have a Victoria-induced sneezing fit. I felt the sneeze coming…. Oh my bleezus, “I mean…I don’t mean that!”
It was too late. “Achoo-achoo-achooo!”
“Bless you!” Olive said. “You got allergies?”
“No!” I said, flustered. I looked for a Kleenex or a scarf or something. I could feel my eyes getting itchy. Another sneeze attack was coming. “I mean—ahh-ahhh-aacckkchoo!”
“What I mean is—achoo-achoo!” Geez, STOP SNEEZING! “He’s very nice, yes.”
That was a truth. And my nose stopped itching for two seconds. Nia and Olive looked at me, puzzled. “You okay?” Nia asked.
“Yes! I’m fine!” I said. I walked into my closet pretending to look for something, but I really just wanted to hide my face from Nia. I knew I should have told her about Lee. I knew it was my duty as her best friend to let her know her crush had the same feelings for her as she did for him. And Lee had asked me specifically to invite Nia to hang out with us. I had to do it. This was my opportunity.
But I couldn’t.
I wasn’t exactly lying by saying nothing. If I stayed hiding in my closet, I could avoid the conversation. Then I wouldn’t have to reveal anything. That technically wasn’t lying, right?
“Girl, you okay in there?” Nia asked.
“Fine!” I said. “I figured out what I need to do first—clean this closet. I have so many old clothes in here!”
“Um, okay,” Nia said. “Whatever you think.”
Suddenly, Mom called us from downstairs. “Girls, you want some lunch? I’ve got some soup ready.”
Leftovers could not have come at a better time. I could have buried myself under all my dirty clothes in that closet just to avoid telling Nia the truth about Lee. But now that we’d been called to lunch we could eat, laugh, and forget all about Lee and Nia’s quest to get to know each other better.
I made it through the rest of our hangout without speaking about Lee by keeping my mouth filled with something—turkey soup, a spoon, a handful of popcorn, leftover sweet potato pie—at all times. The only words I could really get out were “Umm hrmphf,” “Mmm-nnnmm,” and “Ummmmm.” But really that’s all I needed to communicate that the soup was delicious, Nia shouldn’t buy that purple hair crimper just because it was on sale because she’d never use it, and I really needed the bath bomb set for my mom because she could use a fun self-care-themed stocking stuffer.
After a good amount of Thanksgiving leftovers and buying one hair straightener, three nail art kits, and the glitter bath bomb set, Nia and Olive headed out. I retreated back to my room, exhausted from having to hold back the truth about Lee. I know I should have just blurted out at some point that Lee wanted to hang out with Nia. But my throat tightened up every time I tried. Or was it my heart tightening up? It was hard to tell exactly what was keeping me from revealing the truth. It was time to turn to my blog. I’d realized in the past few weeks I’d begun to write in my blog multiple times a day—about the small stuff and the big stuff. It felt like the one place I could turn without being judged, or hurting someone’s feelings with the truth. I dove right in.
CONFESSION #50:
Why oh why oh why is this happening? Lee and Nia! They both have feelings for each other, and I’m the only one that knows and I should be telling both of them how the other feels and I just can’t. Why does Lee like Nia? Nia’s pretty. I get it. But she’s materialistic. And petty. And she hates lizards! Is Lee really going to pick Nia over his pet lizard? Chadwick will be crushed.
And Nia knows that I like him. Well, do I like him? I think I like him…? I mean, I’ve never admitted to her that I do like him, whenever she’s asked. But since she’s asking, she must know I like him. She knows and she’s still going after him. That’s pretty low! I feel betrayed. 
Suddenly the air shifted in my room. I felt a chill and reached for a sweatshirt hanging off the back of my desk chair. Then I sneezed, even though I hadn’t lied. Maybe that was straight-up allergies? Or…nope…I knew what that was. Ugh, why does Victoria always show up when I’m not in the mood to talk?!
A storm cloud of glitter and fairy dust swirled in the middle of my room, which gave way to a recognizable female form. My fairy godmother had arrived, ready to deliver a lesson or a lecture or some other annoyance. The dust cloud blew my papers off my desk and ruffled my bedding.
“Well, hello there, June. Long time no see!” Victoria said excitedly.
“Not long enough,” I mumbled.
“Oh, June, as I’ve reminded you time and time again, I am here to help you improve your life, not make it worse!”
“Ha!” I laughed loudly. “I have crazy receipts to show how you and your fairy dust and your silly spell have gotten me in super-awkward situations!”
“Anyway,” Victoria said, “we have lots to catch up on. I saw that whole interaction between you and Nia about Lee. Why didn’t you tell your best friend that your other best friend has equal feelings for her, too?”
I rocked back in my desk chair. “Because maybe I didn’t want to get in the middle of it,” I said defensively. “That’s between them. I shouldn’t have to play Cupid.”
Victoria scrunched up her face. “It’s not about playing Cupid. The big thing is you didn’t tell Nia the truth. Nia asked you what you thought of Lee and you said nothing. Living your truth under the spell is not just about not lying. You must reveal the truth when asked. You can’t stay silent and avoid telling people your real feelings.”
I didn’t know what to say. First, I didn’t know how to explain what type of feelings I was having for Lee. And I certainly didn’t want to admit that I had any kind of feelings to anyone, especially Nia. I truly didn’t know what to say to either of them, and I had no idea how to explain any of this to Victoria.
“Do you want to have the spell lifted?” Victoria said after a moment of silence.
“It would be my dream come true,” I said, putting my palms together in front of my heart.
“Then you have to put in the work. You must express the truth whenever the opportunity’s presented to you. That means you’re gonna have to tell Nia that Lee wants to hang out with her the next chance you get.”
I pouted. If I was going to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but, there was no way I could avoid telling Nia that I also had some kind of feelings for Lee—and had for a long time.
“But won’t it hurt her even more to know we both potentially like the same boy? And that the boy would have to choose between the two of us! Besides, Lee and I have been friends the longest and we both like the outdoors and lakes and stuff and I’ve met his pet lizard! What does Nia have in common with him? There’s no way he’d choose her over me!” I exclaimed.
“Or…” Victoria raised a finger to her chin, mulling another possibility. “Maybe Lee doesn’t like you the same way he likes Nia, June. And you’re scared to admit that.”
I looked away from Victoria. My hands started to get sweaty, and my mouth felt like it was full of cotton balls. My lower lip trembled. What if Lee did like Nia more than me?
“Either way,” Victoria said, “I’m going to remind you again what you need to do: no lying, and no hiding. I need to see you are openly telling the truth about everything—no matter if it’s something you don’t agree with—to everyone in your life. That’s the only way I will drop the spell. The more truth you tell, the closer you get to being free of me. Once you prove that you have found a way tell the truth no matter what, the spell will be lifted. Those are the stakes. Got it?”
I nodded softly. I wondered if it were possible to self-isolate in my room as if I were on punishment without actually being on punishment. That way I wouldn’t have to see anyone and risk revealing anything at all.
“Cheer up,” Victoria said—she must’ve seen the dejected look on my face. “I think this is going to be an opportunity to bring two of your closest friends closer. More love to go around!”
I wasn’t so sure I wanted that.
Victoria stood in front of my bed and flicked her magic wand a few times. A cloud of sparkles and dust surrounded her, then carried her up into thin air, leaving a small trail of dust behind as a reminder to me that she was always watching.
CONFESSION #51:
I just can’t believe it. I mean, Nia and Lee potentially dating goes against everything that I had planned for my future—Lee and I being best of friends, telling each other everything, even things we didn’t tell people like Alvin and Nia, and then going to college together and finally after all these years—in school together, taking the same classes, and going on family vacations—him confessing his feelings for me on graduation day, getting engaged after one of us finishes medical school (likely him, but could be me), and moving back to Featherstone Creek to become the mayor and first lady. 
Okay, this is one of the many fantasies I had about our future that I dared. Not. Tell. Anyone. Especially Nia. And I don’t plan on telling anyone any of this for a very long time. But Victoria won’t release me from this spell unless I confess. How am I going to get around this? I can’t even describe what I’m feeling, much less tell two people who may actually want the same thing I do. This is hard. Super hard. Maybe I can avoid them both so I don’t have to tell either one of them anything. I need to distract myself with schoolwork and the musical. Maybe if I focus on those things my brain won’t have any space to deal with the pressure of telling Nia and Lee the truth.