Most survivors feel resignation instead of acceptance. Resignation passively signals, This is the end. Nothing else can be done. Hopelessness and helplessness can accompany resignation.
Acceptance, on the other hand, brings grace, comfort, and peace. It actively signals, This is not the end, merely the ending of things as they were. Contentment about the past and hope for the future accompany acceptance. Survivors who believe they will reconnect with their dearly departed after their own bodily death are more likely to reach acceptance, as Aunt Lu’s example demonstrates.
“I’m curious to see what happens then”—Dianne’s Story
Aunt Lu, young and soft, was resigned to her dad’s death. “I don’t like it, but death is part of life,” she said to me with a sigh. “Nothing we can do about it.” Some forty years later, her soft countenance remained the same, but she was now a woman of the world. “Death is nothing to fear,” she said during our Christmas reunion. “I look forward to being with my parents and grandparents again, and meeting generations of relatives. I’m curious to see what happens. I guess we’ll have a big party in the sky,” she said with a chuckle.
Thus far, we have identified some universal attributes of people who grow from loss: they are aware of early experiences that still influence their grief responses, they understand the effects of grief-related stress, and they do not deny their emotions. Now let’s turn to the more individualized facets of loss.