Appropriate timing is imperative: timing in relation to the circumstance, and timing in relation to the survivor’s psychological process.
Considering the Circumstance
When grief is acute, emotions are raw. Mourners are often trying just to make it through the day on their feet. “If you encounter other bereaved individuals,” we advise at support groups, “do not walk up and ask about their loss. If you see someone in a restaurant, that person may just want to eat lunch and not be reminded of her grief. Greet any bereaved individual as you normally would, ‘Hello…How are you?’ and let that person determine the direction of the conversation.” The following experience illustrates how not to approach a survivor.
“I didn’t feel like talking”—Dianne’s Story
Darlene’s entrance into my office was as stormy as the afternoon weather. “I had to come tell you,” she said, slamming the door with her heel. “I was talking with someone at church when Sue walked up.” (Darlene and Sue had once been members of a hospice grief-support group.) Darlene continued, “Peering at me with those penetrating eyes of hers, she blurted, ‘How did everything turn out? Did they catch the guy who murdered your son?’ I hated her for bringing that up. I didn’t feel like talking about it right then, but I didn’t know what to say. So I stood there and told her everything she wanted to know.”
Etiquette calls for sensitive communication, and not only for the newly bereaved. Poor timing is always an invasion of privacy, as in the following example.
“Hey! Dianne!”—Dianne’s Story
After attending to terminally ill patients and their families all day, my body and soul were in dire need of nourishment. I was carrying a tray of food to a remote corner of the hospital cafeteria when I heard a former support-group member call out from across the room, “Hey! Dianne!” Delighted to hear her voice, I turned to walk to her. But then she motioned to the group of women at her table, shouting, “I told them about your dad’s death and how you made meaning of it. Come sit over here and tell them about it.”
“Oh, no, not right now,” I said, and hastened to the quiet corner.
“I don’t want anybody asking me about my loss”
“I’d like for you to write my story in your book,” a number of friends and family members told us, “but I don’t want anybody asking me about my loss. Just change my name, sex, occupation, location, or whatever you need in order to guarantee my anonymity.” In every case, if excluding certain details compromised the integrity of their stories, or if their stories seemed too personal for us to disclose, we did not include them. Each person deserves a right to privacy.
Consider Their Process
We advise those in mourning to be careful with whom they associate for several weeks after their loss, because most people do not understand the grief process. For instance, few sympathizers realize that, immediately after a loss, a survivor usually needs physical and emotional care. The most appreciated sympathizers are those who give practical support such as chauffeuring relatives to and from the airport, mowing the lawn, caring for pets, or just sitting with the mourner. Even experienced sympathizers can be out of sync with the mourner’s process, however, as the following story illustrates.
“No more good-byes”—Dianne’s Story
“It was the last death she will ever experience,” my mother’s minister said to me shortly after she died. “You’ll never have to say good-bye to her again. No more good-byes, Dianne, because there is no more separation. She is now with you always.” His words were frustrating because I wanted many more good-byes. Seeing Mother’s little head peek out from her kitchen window as I backed out of her driveway meant the world to me. I wanted her with me on this physical plane. Several years later, however, I remembered and appreciated his sentiments. His declaration had been correct, but premature. His words would have been well received if spoken at a time when I was further along in my grief.
In sum, communication problems are less likely to occur when sympathy is offered at the appropriate place and time, and when the statements coordinate with the survivor’s process. Sensitivity is the key for interacting with the bereaved.