Projection simply means judging others by one’s own perceptions. Projectors assume that other people think and feel as they do. Sympathizers who are experienced with loss are oftentimes the most guilty. “I understand” and “I know how you feel,” they say. Impossible. No one knows the internal life of another. No one understands the suffering and hardship one loss might bring to another. Sympathizers divide themselves from those they want to support when they say “I know” or “I understand.”
“I understand”
Jenny’s mother succumbed at age fifty after a brief illness. Months later, Jenny attended the funeral of her friend’s elderly mother. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Losing your mother is almost more than a daughter can bear. I understand. I know exactly how you feel.”
“No, you don’t,” her friend said. “Mother suffered all those years, in and out of hospitals. She was miserable, and I’m grateful to see her finally out of her misery. There’s no reason to be sorry.”
Judging others by ourselves can lead to disappointment, even for sympathizers.
A Projection Was Stopped Short—Raymond’s Story
While dressing for the funeral, I glanced out our bedroom window and saw that a blanket of snow had fallen overnight. “Oh, no!” I called out to my wife. “The first snowstorm of the season is here. Poor Bill—snow on the day he has to bury his daughter. This will make it even more unbearable for him and his wife. They will be so overwhelmed.” On our long drive to the cemetery, my wife kept talking about their little girl and the tragic automobile accident that had taken her life, with me reiterating, “And now, how awful—all this snow.”
As we stood at the graveside, snow blowing in our faces, I tried to gather the words to express my condolences and sympathize about the unfortunate weather. Before I could, Bill’s wife exclaimed, “Oh! What a perfect day! It’s snowing just for Emily. She was wishing for snow the other morning, and here it is, just what she wanted.” Something that seems unfortunate to one person may bring comfort to others. Giving sympathy requires getting out of our world and into theirs.