Funerals offer survivors an opportunity to reflect on how the deceased’s life touched theirs, mourn for what they have lost, embrace what they will hold most dear, and receive support. They serve as rites of passage, and they are the cornerstone for the mourning ahead.
“It’s all just a bunch of phony blubbering”—Dianne’s Story
As a young girl, I longed for words of comfort during funeral services but heard few. Ministers skimmed over biblical passages, made vague comments about the deceased, shook hands with survivors, and left. That remained my experience until my daughter’s friend Angela was murdered. Her wake and funeral services in a small African American community were steeped in emotion and responsiveness.
Mother and I wanted my dad’s life and death honored in similar fashion. We arranged for a retired Baptist minister, a man with tremendous depth, to preside over Dad’s funeral and burial. Before the announcement was made, however, my sister demanded, “No funeral and no open casket. It’s all just a bunch of phony blubbering. Dianne, you know how I hate that. I won’t go.”
Resigned to a brief graveside service, everybody made the best of it. As we were leaving the cemetery, a family friend of more than fifty years pulled me to the side. “You white folks sure have strange funerals,” he murmured, frowning and shaking his head. “When do you grieve? Who helps you?”
“I’m sorry, Johnny,” I said. “This was not Mother’s choice, or mine.”
After Mother died the following year, the family once again arranged a simple graveside service, as my sister demanded. This time, however, I also held a ceremonial in the funeral home, with family, friends, flowers, open casket, and tears. We combined mourning with the celebration of life. I realized the profound benefits at the time, but even more so after I began working with Sonja.
“How will you remember him?”—Dianne’s Story
Her essence was as heavenly as any I had witnessed. Sonja’s role as a hospice chaplain seemed perfectly cast. She visited with families, listening to their reminiscences. “How will you remember him?” she sometimes inquired. “What is your favorite memory? What did you enjoy doing together?” Then, during the funeral, she addressed each mourner, sharing that person’s remembrances. In doing so, she created a portrait of the life and loves of the deceased. In addition, survivors were deeply touched by having their feelings and personal memories reflected back to them. In every case, Sonja honored both the living and their departed. Funerals such as those become beacons of light for those in mourning.