The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific passage, please use the search feature of your e-book reader.
The index is intended for the curious, the wary and the professionally lazy. It is perhaps less interesting than the Preface and probably less informative than the Acknowledgements. Its one great advantage is that it may be used as a substitute for reading the book itself – no bad thing. Skimming and skipping are two of the great pleasures of reading, although the fastidious may, of course, disagree; they may also take courtesy for a gimmick.
The entries are by no means exhaustive. Some words – T, for example – have been deemed too insignificant for inclusion, while some concepts – let us say ‘love’ – have been regarded as too large. As a guide the index will therefore prove insufficient. But as an evocation it is my hope that it proves adequate.
abandonment,
– of all reason, Francie McGinn’s 82–83
– of her first-born son, Mrs Donelly’s 206
– of His Only Begotten Son, God’s 52–53
abasement,
– various forms of 12, 14–18, 28–29, 62, 71, 72, 95, 102, 105, 106, 128, 131, 135–136, 237, 255, 285
ability,
– unrelated to performance, 32, 71, 95–96, 251
abominations,
– various 15–18, 88, 186–188, 257–258
abroad, ix, 43, 56, 73, 137, 134–135, 137, 172, 330n., 366
– Mr Donelly doesn’t hold with 198
– see also entries under America, Australia, and travelling,
absence,
– defend yourself by 5, 9–10, 12–13, 105, 137, 216–217, 254–255, 366
– makes the heart grow fonder, xi, 32, 137
– of a pie, 268n.
abstinence,
– engenders maladies, 82
abstract,
– ideas, ix., 3
– ideas, dislike of, 4, 149
abundance, xi, 29, 235–236
academics,
– mocked, 3
accidents, 11, 270
– solemn, 27, 166, 314–315
– the self-employed and 119–120
accomplices, 141
aches,
– and pains, 27, 115, 164
– heart, 104–106, 214–216, 255
achievements,
– not certificated 38
acquaintances,
– and friends 153, 315–316
acquisition, 24, 87, 117, 136, 236
actions,
– speak louder than words, 72, 200, 284–285
actors, 38, 43, 302–303, 325
acupuncture, 117–119
– and upholstery, 118
– see also entries under electrocution
adages,
– assorted, 244–245, 238–239
Adam,
– and Eve, 17
addiction, 25, 56, 105, 106, 209, 217–218, 221, 234, 304, 320
adepts,
– compared to amateurs, 127
adoption, 158–161, 170, 273
adultery,
– brazened out, 106, 185–186
– regretted bitterly, 306–307
adversity, 5, 13, 57n. 104
– and wisdom, 119–120
– sour, 171, 253
advertisements,
– in the back of local newspapers, to be avoided, 67–68, 73, 168, 188
advice, 188
– ask, how not to, 309–310
ageing, 229, 234, 239
– and the mutual admiring of power-boats and younger women, 154
– Kate Winslet in the film Titanic and, 237
– rocker, an, 90–91
agonies,
– of conscience, 170, 185, 306–310
‘ah’,
– how to whisper, 300
airports, 6–7
alive,
– the feeling of being, xi, 6, 83, 86, 240, 268, 313, 358, 365
Alzheimer’s, 142, 253–255
– and television, 28, 355
amateur dramatics, 159, 299, 325–326, 332–366
amateurs,
– compared to adepts, 127
ambitious,
– soul, the, x, xii, 5, 25, 57n., 73, 90, 108–109, 117, 15–151, 164–166, 204, 247, 253, 299, 351, 361
America, 66, 138–139, 204, 234
– comes to us unbidden, 205–206
– ‘downtown experiences’ in, 222
– huge plate of nachos eaten in, photographic evidence of, 139
– hugging imported from, 258
– see also separate entries under Florida, Friends, and New York
Americanisms, 141, 221–222, 360–361
angel,
– Delight, 121
– Gabriel, 274
– ministering, a, 348
angels,
– on the side of the, 50, 91, 195
anonymity, 9
antagonisms, 25, 228–229
anti-climax, 25
anxiety,
– the age of, 56
apologies, ix–xii, 1–366, 367–385, 386–388
architects,
– culminated, 15, 16, 18, 24, 155, 156, chap. 11 passim
Aristotle, 352
– Nicomachean Ethics, 3
arithmetic, 14, 217–218
artists,
– naïve, 223n.
– others, 108, 111–112, 113, 153
– see also entries under sunflowers and Van Gogh
aspirations,
– hindered, examples of, 96, 99, 109–110, 151–152, 361–362
assertions,
– concerning God, chap. 1–21 passim
– concerning the world, chap. 1–21 passim
assumptions,
– made about characters, 1ff.
– made about readers, ix–xii
Australia,
– a backpacker from, even in our town, 356
– everyone seems to have relatives in, 134
– the difficulty of imagining, 34
autobiography,
– disguised as fiction, 12, 29, 76, 131, 295, 325
autodidacts, 352
– books preferred by, 156–157
– see also entries under books and writers
averageness,
– our bedimmed, 14–18, 22, 76, 86, 172ff.
avocado,
– the first, 272
avoidance,
– of plot, 2–365
awry,
– things going, 28, 44, 69, 83, 103, 109–110, 119, 192–194, 305–310, 329–331
babies,
– almost only mention of, 4–5
bad,
– people, examples of, 41, 46, 109–110, 317–318
– Scotsman, the, 239, 281–286
– things happen, 98, 216, 314–315, 317–318
bakers, 16–17
baking, 30, 200
balls,
– to have someone by the, 147, 181
– up, 64
balm, 83, 126, 233–234
banalities, 48, 260, 340–343
bands, 79, 82, 83, 135, 186, 296–297, 299, 304–305, 351–352
– brass, 135n.
Baptists, 189
barbers, 182–3
bathing,
– deluxe, in the Oasis spa pool, 107–108
be,
– yourself, an unnecessary reminder to, 242
beard, 59–61, 108
– shifty and patriarchal, example of, 165
– washing of, in order to remove the smell of butchered meat, 59
beautiful,
– sentence, 1
beauty,
– not widely available here in town, 357
– plastic surgery and, 229, 235
– Sting, Elton John, and the interiors
all examples of, according to
Bob Savory, 246
– see also entries under luxury and brilliance
beer,
– Czech, 127
– other (including Guinness), 57, 76, 91, 103, 163
Being,
– and Doing, compared and contrasted, 77
bells!,
– Hell’s, 206
betrayal,
– myriad depressing examples of, 83, 109–110, 133–134, 135n., 147, 283–285, 330–331
Bible, the
– and the Body Shop, 182
– confused with God, 72–73
– How Not to Read, For All It’s Worth, 309–310
– more effective than a hot milky drink, 181
– watching romantic comedies on video instead of studying, 307
bicycle polo, 57
big–headedness, 196–197, 199
birth, 3, 5
– Davey Quinn’s, a disappointment even to himself, 4
biscuits, 29, 37, 90, 195, 210, 307, 316, 325
– are a godsend, 337
blame, 104–105, 152, 253, 284
blasphemy, 32, 188
blind, the
– leading the blind, example of, 71, 90–91, 188
boat,
– push the, out, 61, 64, 198, 301
bondage,
– freedom from, 346
– is hoarse, 216
bones,
– a bag of, 89
– let’s make no, about it, 331
– sticks and stones may break my, 279
– unavailability of from local butchers, 336
books, 28, 52, 65, 108, 150, 165n., 346–347
– as the long alternative route to friendship, 154
– borrowing, 239–240
– business, 143, 244, 245
– self-help, 107, 209
– the best, are usually rhyming, 244
– see also entries under autodidacts and writers
boot,
– put the, in, 110, 331
born,
– again, no good time to be, 75
– to the manor, 152–153, 165
bowels,
– in the, of the Lord, 306
boxing, 90, 100, 276–277
boys,
– will be boys, 193–194, 277–278
brain,
– not apparently in use, 25, 146
– see also entries under idiocy and lechery
breakfast, 91–92
– dog’s, 256
– fried, 57, 193, 336
– see also entries under eating and food
breast,
– making a clean, of it, 345
breathing,
– Benny Goodman’s, the sound of, 289
– intercostal diaphragmatic method of, 300, 351
bribery, 147
bric-a-brac, 48–49, 236, 367–388
brides,
– to-be, 290–291
brilliance,
– currently unavailable, 357
– see also entries under beauty
brooding,
– passages, 14
brothers, 23, 272, 332–333
– see also entries under boys
bulimia, 285
bunkum, 132
burst,
– of eloquence, 164
bush,
– let’s not beat about the, 1
business, 19, 141, 224–228, 289
– as usual, 84, 121, 321–322
– favours and, blurring of the distinction between in a small town, 225
butchers,
– see civilization
butter-balls, 88
– see also entries under sweets
buzz, 188–189
– opposite of a rut, 99
cadence,
– lovely 19, 207
calumnious,
– strokes, 277
cancers,
– various, 27, 44, 65, 115, 116, 202, 216, 302n.
cannibalism, 14
cant, 4n., 186n.
capitalism, 117, 136, 175–177, 235–236, 289
capricious,
– introduction of new characters towards end of book, 332–334
caps,
– baseball, 92, 360
– it was all, in them days, 257
captive,
– states, 29, 83, 95, 105, 106, 147, 181, 237, 253, 255
cars, 219, 312
– looking as though you know about, 11
carvery,
– Good Friday, 73–74, 82–83
– see also entries under Easter
catechism, 306n.
catharsis, 114, 213
– readily available, on payment of a small cash fee, 156
Catholicism, 79, 306
– see also entries under priests
cause,
– and effect, 131, 277n.
celebrity, 21
– as a warning and witness to the meaninglessness and transitoriness of human life, 2
– see also entries under show business
champagne,
– of life, gone flat, 29, 111, 255
– see also entries under drink and sparkling white wine
change,
– you must, your life, 180
charity, 350
– bags fiasco, the, 94
charms,
– hellish, Frank Gilbey’s, 225
cheese, 57, 140
– a big, 20
– on toast, 237
childhood, 30, 79, 98, 161–162, 301n., 343
chinos,
– the final humiliation, 182
Chip Crisps, 209n.
chips, 58n.
chiropody,
– recommended as a career, 21 On.
– see also entries under foot
chops, 59, 226, 238, 270
Christmas, 10, 31–36, 200, 241, 313
– decorations, 36
– dinner, 35, 346–347
– snow at, 31
Chunky Butts, 209n.
Chupa-Chups, 221
church,
– going, 92, 185–186
– Happy, the, 308
– of the Cross and the Passion, 2, 49, 79
– throwing confetti in, 258
chutzpah,
– putting the pah into, Frank Gilbey, 87
cine-films, 161–162
cinemas, 43–44
– home, 28
– long gone and lamented, 41
city, 86, 220, 328
– and empirical questions of essence and existence, 7
– breaks, our equivalent of the Grand Tour, 138–139
– the self and the, 5, 127
civilization,
– butchers and the decline of Western, 17, 59
– celebrated in all its richness and diversity, 56–57
clarity,
– entirely lacking, 99, 131
– Billy Nibbs suddenly acquires, 114
classic,
– the, as a concept, 249
cleaning,
– some money-saving tips on, 335
clergy, 70
– see also entries under priesthood
clever,
– phrase, worth quoting 49, 79, 175
clichés, 238
climbing, 119, 267–268
– see also falling
clothes, 33, 41, 127, 138, 141, 153, 174, 201, 271, 284–285, 286, 288, 335, 347
– suitable for line dancing, 232, 237
– that are pleasing to God, 76
clothing,
– cheap, 193
– dodgy-looking, 92
– minister’s, 76–77, 182
– see also entries under caps, chinos, shoes and underwear
cloud, 70, 195
– has a silver lining, every, 265
– of unknowing, 73n.
cloudcuckooland, 108
clubs, 175, 355–356
coal, 235
cobbling, 312
cocaine, 303
coffee, 57, 57n., 153, 169–170, 220, 234, 324, 337–338
coincidences, 101
– almost unbelievable, 46n.
– totally incredible, 332–366 passim
– see also entries under serendipity
collecting,
– as opposite of experience, 236
college,
– Bible, 80
colour,
– grey, 290
– magnolia, 287
– nylon sheets retain their, 148
– off, 177
– of urine, one of life’s few constants, 4—5
– pink, teal, salmon and peri- winkle, 287
– so-called ‘heritage’, looks like bird-shit, 119
Colour Me Beautiful™, 287
comeliness,
– of phrase 43, 195
committees, 54
– are a cul de sac, 226
common sense, 227–228
communication,
– breaks down, 77, 104–105, 212–213, 232, 262
communism, 117, 196n., 231
– see also entries under pessimism
complacency,
– examples of, 41
condensation,
– mistaken for epiphany, 131
conscience, 41–42
– see also entries under plot
consultants,
– management and brand, ridiculed and mocked, 249–250
contraries,
– the importance of maintaining oneself between, 123, 346
controversy, 330
conversation, 1
– extremely limited, examples of, 123, 125, 145, 232, 330–331
conversion, 79–80, 188
Cookson, Catherine,
– triumphant, 240n.
crime,
– doesn’t pay, 94
crisis,
– what crisis? 350
criticism,
– as inevitable as breathing, 325–326
– is bad for the soul, 325–326
cross,
– how to make a, 190–191
– the, as a stumbling block, 192
– used to light fires, Francie McGinn’s, 192
crowd,
– the apparition of these faces in the, 5, 63
cruises, 65, 136
– see also entries under holidays
crust,
– on Mrs Quinn’s meat pie, over-cooked, 124
– outer, nothing much to beef about, 170
– upper, 329–330
crying, 110, 255, 261, 342
culture,
– notes towards the definition of, 164–179
– total lack of, 56–57
dances, 136, 178–179, 203
dancing, 2, 38, 240, 321, 358
– line, 229–242 passim, 347–348
– rock n’roll, 233
Dante Alighieri, 157–158
– LASCIATE OGNI SPERANZA, VOI CH’ENTRATE, in English, 72
daughters,
– polished after the similitude of a palace, 308n.
day-dreams, 93–101 passim, 108, 216–218
dead,
– being, compared to sitting in a cinema, 44
– difficulty of feeling sympathy for the, 27
–half, 119–120
– you’re not, yet, 180
death, 50–51, 171
– drawing strength from, a terrible truth about, 117
– imminent, and baking, 200
– industrial, 27
– no longer has the clout it used to, 258
– The Book of the, in imitation red vellum, 341
decay, 55–56
decline,
– long, slow and inevitable, 2–366 passim
décor, 206, 355–356
decorating,
– painting and, 62, 72, 88, 109, 119–121, 126–131, 294
déjà vu, 122–123
dejection, 113
Delia Smith’s Christmas, 346
delusions,
– sad and consoling, 51–53, 67–68, 108, 216–218
– see also religion
demystification,
– effects of, 73n., 306–307
De Niro, Robert, 307
depressing,
– truth about life, a, 102
– see also entries under death, decay, decline, despair, destruction, or just look around you
desire,
– see shopping,
despair, 29, 110–111, 284
– and U2, 315
destruction, 15–17, 42, 84, 109, 151, 176, 323–324
dialogue, 145–147
diarrhoea, 103, 306
– see also vomiting
DiCaprio, Leonardo, 264
– in short trousers, 307
Dickens,
– a glass raised to, 334
– what the, 269
dignity, 174
disappointments, 93, 326–327, 365
– huge, 4, 110
– not so huge, 240–241
disapproval,
– Mrs Donelly’s silent, 44
disasters, 131
discord, 77
discouragement, 68n. 102
disgrace, 93
disgust, 255
dishonesty, xii
disillusion, 112, 192–194, 344
disintegration, 88–89, 217, 282
dissatisfaction, 241
divorce, 155–156, 302, 305, 309
– lamentable, 344–346
DIY,
– necessity of, turned into a virtue, 127
dog, 100–101, 197
– as an excuse, 262
– Dickensian, 334
– every, has his day, 321n., 329
– fouling controversy, 45
– little cold wet, compared to wind, 270
– looking after a, is a breeze, compared to looking after a child, 45
– owning, and the opportunity to act as a lord of misrule, 45
– scarf knitted from the hair of a dead 2
– With The Kindliest Expression, The 47
dope, 97
down,
– and out, 131
– in the world, come, 362n.
dreams,
– see nightmares
drink, 126, 140, 187, 281, 332, 333, 349, 357
– fashions in, 65
– is not the answer to your problems, 104–105, 111, 116, 163, 255
– refusal of a, as marking out a man, 143
– see also entries under beer, champagne, Martini, Shloer and wine
drugs, 90, 171, 172, 208, 364
– and Chupa-Chup lollies, 221
– crosswords and, 221
– see also entries under cocaine, dope and Prozac
drummers,
– the usual trouble with, 297
Duchess of Malfi, The, 325–326
duffel-coats, 77, 273
durability,
– surprising, of well-worn phrases, 239
duvets, 113, 223n.
– are always too hot or too cold, 192
dwarf,
– ‘The Laughing’, 301
dying, 314–315
Dylan, Bob, 74, 75, 150
– is a myth these days, like Odysseus, 67
– large, as a sign of intelligence, according to a magazine, 287–288
– wet behind the, 68
– see also entries under Van Gogh
Easter, 74
eating, 238, 255
economics,
– a simple lesson in, 224
ecstasy, 79–80
editors, 151–153, 162
– lickspittling, 313–315
education, 240
eggs,
– can’t make an omelette without breaking, 177
electrocution, 118
– see also entries under acupuncture
elegance, 174
elocution lessons, 300
Elvis, 139, 239
embarrassment, 2, 110, 111, 267
Eminem, 150
– as an example, 91
emotions
– confused with sentimentality, 232
– how to avoid, if at all possible, 254–255, 264
– outside the home, 232
employment,
– hasty, 126
ennui, 98–99
enthusiasm, 2, 71, 135
– distrusted, 3n., 136, 326
– exhorted, 315, 326
Enthusiast, The, 68n.
envy, 333
err,
– to, is human, 344–345
evil,
– Banoffee pie symbolises, 324
– reviewers are, 325–326
evolution, 102, 172–179
exaggerations, ix–xii
exercise, 237
– videos, 193
expectations,
– unfulfilled, 4, 110
experience, 236–237, 347
face, 9–10, 235
– Frank Gilbey’s, is like the sour-dough bread in the River Café Cook Book (One), 138
– the music, time to, 147, 306–307
– see also entries under make up, facts, 159–160, 322–323
– scientific, 113
failure, 112, 134
fair,
– play to you, 19
faith, 73
falling, 119
– see also climbing
families, 36, 130
– and Huddersfield, 33
– disintegration of, 155, 185
– other people’s, 96
– size of, 1–2, 273
fantasy, 77, 98
– product of grief 217–218
– see also entries under sex
fashion,
– comes and goes, 2
– failing to keep up with, Francie McGinn’s, 76–77
– mistakes, for the larger lady, 42
Father Christmas,
– as wardrobe assistant, 76
– Davey Quinn Senior does not believe in, 121
– Frank Gilbey as, 349–350
fathers,
– absent but dominating presence of, 91, 293
– and fat necks, in profile, 11
– as genial buffoons, 211
– eating steak, 293
– underestimating their children, 223
– vague, like the Holy Spirit, 208
– who shout, the damaging long-term effects on children of, 254
fatness, 74, 86–87
fear, 181
feeling,
– imprecision of, 131, 341
feminism,
– and biblical interpretation, 305
– and rock‘n’roll dancing, 233
Fiddler on the Roof, The
– strictly goyische version of, 299–300
fight, 278
finger,
– in every pie, Frank Gilbey has a, 87
– see also entries under pies/puddings
fire,
– redeeming, 364–366
fish, 198
flirting, 349
flood,
– Great, the, 311
Florida,
– terminal illness and, 27
food, 16–17, 74, 85–86, 98, 121–126, 138, 140, 178, 187, 198, 254, 265, 268, 293
– Bob’s mum’s, 29–30
– Christian, 77, 307
– deserves respect, 252
– frozen, 200
– good-intentioned, 199–200
– implies sex, money and power, 252
– poets’, is love and fame, 61–64, 108
– sea, 333
– see also separate entries under angel delight, avocado, biscuits, breakfast, carvery, chips, Chip Crisps, Christmas dinner, Chunky Butts, Delia Smith’s Christmas, fish, fudge/toffees, garlic, gâteaux, gravy, ham, kebabs, meatloaf/Meatloaf, Mediterranean, pancakes, pies/puddings, potatoes, sand-wiches, saveloys, snacks, Spam, Sunday lunch, sushi, sweets, and waffles
foot,
– diseases of the, 193, 210, 230
forgiveness, 106, 211, 344
four-letter words, 241
franchising,
– the beauty of, 246–248
freedom, 232–233, 265
– see also entries under bondage
freewill,
– obvious downside to, 83, 306
freshness, 249
– problem with, as a concept, Freud, Sigmund, 171
friends, 158, 292
– gathered flock of, 62–63
Friends, 249, 349
– and its effect on the coffee-buying public, 271–272
– is at least funny, 234
friendship,
– overrated, 280, 315–316
fruit,
– forbidden, 83
frustrations, 54, 99
fudge,
– and toffees, 161
fun, 83, 146, 204
funerals, 257, 266–267
futility, 83, 239
future, 22, 23, 127
gamblers, 332–334
garage,
– archetypal, an, 47
garden, 4, 283
– loss of innocence in, 203–204
– recovery of stolen goods from, 328–329
garlic,
– mushrooms, with melted Brie, a passing fad, 272n.
– the slightest hint of, Mr Donelly can sniff out, 198
gâteaux,
– Black Forest, has firmly taken root, 272
generalities,
– glittering, xi, 4–5, 180, 367–386
generosity,
– can be hard to bear, 25
gentility, 159
gift,
– implies obligations, 4
glamour, 174, 238
God,
– clearly has a sense of humour, 70–71
– closest thing to, is the sound of Enya and a running bath, 182
– displays an apparent lack of interest in the workings of local councils, 71
– has an excellent three tone resonance, 303
– in the world of the sandwich, Bob Savory is like, 143
– is absent from the high seas, 50
– Is Dead, according to Nietzsche, and Gerry Malone, 32
– is like broadband radio, 303
– is like the weather, 70
– is on extended sabbatical, 32
– pissing directly onto car, 11
– plucking at an eyebrow, 11
good,
– unequivocal, the 38
goodness, 50
– boring aspects of, 210
gossip, 1–366
government,
– local, 196n.
grammarians,
– amateur, 317
grandeur,
– et misère, 29, 83, 314–315
grandfathers, 130–131
gravy,
– simple lesson concerning, and worth repeating, 29
grief, 104–105, 171, 211, 254–255
– feels like indigestion, 260
– stages of, 340–341
grins, 63, 245, 276, 288
– see also entries under smile and smirks
gripes,
– as bad as Achilles, 240
groves,
– of Academe, 3n.
gyms,
– and clubs, 358
– private, are cleaner than council Leisure Centres, 230
habits,
– heaven gives us, to take the place of happiness, 28, 56, 91, 306–307
Hackman, Gene,
– Frank Gilbey looks a bit like, 140
hair, 180, 184–185, 348
half-truths, ix–xii
Halloween, 284
ham,
– addicted to, Billy Nibbs is, 56
– not often in the house, 30
– posted in an envelope, ix
– writing as, ix
handwriting,
– inadequacies in, 34, 249
– see also entries under signatures
hap,
– what hap may, 331
happiness,
– rabbits and, 97–98
– see also entries under habits
hatred, 114
health,
– at least you’ve got your, 355
heaven, 346
hell, 274, 310
heroes, 148, 197
– seriousness, total lack of, ix–388 passim
hippies, 187, 256–257
history,
– burden of, 31, 130131
– local, 161–162
– PMP (pre-mobile phone), 31
hobbies, 236
hobby-horses,
– ridden, 14, 29, 84, 135, 172–173, 202, 258
holidays, 25, 308
– see also cruises and travelling
Holy Spirit, the,
– descends upon the Baptists, 189
– is off-duty, 83, 181
– the sin against, 323
home, 9, 10n., 24–25, 47–49, 93, 206
– improvements, 48
hopes,
– dashed, 110–111
– wild and unreasonable, 5, 95–96, 345
horses, 334
hospitality, 30, 34–35, 57, 154
humiliation,
– art is born of, 90, 155–156
– examples of, 69, 83, 110, 131, 143
humility, 195
husbands, 35, 82, 91, 115, 213
hygiene,
– personal, 59, 108, 182
hymns,
– deep theological confusion and repressed sexual longings in, 65–66
idiocy, 103, 167n.
ignorance, 260
illness,
– the whole point of, according to Bob Savory, 253
imagination, 205, 217, 230, 273
immortality, 218
impervious, the
– the impassive, and the imperturbable, 313
inadequacy, 133
inarticulate, the,
– raids on, 52, 53, 99, 216–218
– see also entries under feeling, imprecision of
inciting,
– incident, 1
inheritance, 160–161
injury, 6, 12, 115–121
innocence, 4, 33
inspiration, 66–67, 91, 307
interminable,
– passages, necessary to the plot, 54, 225–226
intimacy, 180–181
intrigue,
– attempts at, 30, 131, 147, 295
investments,
– value of, may fall as well as rise, reminder that, 221
jazz, 57
– and Sunday lunch, 90–91
Jehovah’s,
– Witnesses, 5–6
– see also entries under God, Jesus and religion
Jesus, 52, 352
– preference in kitchen work-surfaces, conjectured, 77–78
– probably would have been a fidgety audience, 304
– telling jokes, 37
journalists, 314–315
justification,
– by faith alone, 71–72
– see also entries under virtue
Kant, Immanuel,
– Critique of Practical Reason, 3
kebabs, 59, 124
kindness,
– milk of human, 200
kisses, 77, 113, 364
– empty, 48
– kosher, 78, 86
– middle-class, 122
– standard of, in private rented accommodation, 93
– unutterably depressing, 122
knitting, 2
– see also entries under woolly hat
knives, 22–23
knowledge,
– carnal, 181
– is strength, 114
– scientific, 113
– what to do with, 343
Korea,
– Bobbie Dylan is big in, 75
language,
– foreign, (French), 236, 300
– foreign, (Italian), 3n., 39–40
– prison-house of, 39, 71, 123n.
lechery, 82, 83
liberality, 82, 83
library,
– you should really support your local, 239–240
life,
– friends, is boring, 210
– ‘is hard’, unhelpful statement of obvious truth that, 98
– secrets of a long and happy, 116
– ‘this is the’, 138
literary,
– failure, feels like a kicking, 111
literature,
– like Guinness, is good for you, 64
loathing, 153
– self, 29, 95, 112, 211, 284, 306
local, 19
logic, 78
– diabolical, 227–228
London, 10
– availability of funny spaghetti, truffle oils, and novelty cheeses in, 29
– Hell is a city much like, 5, 7
– Mrs Gilbey cannot see the point of, frankly, 138
– teenage ambitions to visit, in order to visit Soho, 22
loss,
– of luggage, 7–8
luxury, 37
– in short supply, 357
– see also entries under beauty, biscuits and brilliance
magnificence,
– examples of, 2, 38, 83, 112, 169
make-up, 76, 193
– see also entries under face
malevolence, 227–228
mal-talent,
– example of, 94
manure, 283, 285
marriage, 36–37, 77, 89–90, 180–181, 213–214, 267, 315
– and paranoia, 95
– and Reformation theology, 307
martini, 116
– dry, best in the world, 65
massive
– desire to be, 95–96, 108
meaninglessness,
– and transitoriness of human life, 2, 102
meatloaf/ Meat Loaf, 302n.
Mediterranean,
– the weather is, almost, 115
– goat’s cheese tartlets, warm, 272n.
memory, 7–8, 97, 173–174, 266, 341, 343
men,
– all sorts and conditions of, 35, 135–137, 182–183
– and women, are not the same, 177, 211
– ruined, 22
– smell of, the, 58, 281, 288
menu,
– suggested, for a week, 124
mistakes, 68
mistrust, 92
misunderstanding, 13, 212, 345
modesty, 73, 195
– false, xi
money, 3n., 13, 14, 19, 26, 68, 138, 175, 195, 221, 224, 237, 301, 362–363
– how to make, 91, 110, 113, 117, 120
– Tourette’s syndrome and, 145
moped,
– Mr Donelly’s Honda 50, 47–48
Moses, 297
mothers, 93, 159, 223, 255, 260–261, 266
music, 7–8, 41, 66–67, 90, 99–100, 135, 149n., 174–175, 212, 289, 363–364
– Christian rock, 74–76, 186, 296–298, 351–352
– country and western, 10, 105, 230–231
– gangsta rap, 91
– on cassette, 8
– sweet spiritual, 79, 82
– see also entries under Eminem, meatloaf/Meatloaf, musicals
musicals, 2, 43
names, 88, 220, 271
navels,
– contemplation of, 26, 53
neighbours, 49, 328
New Age, 207
– loofahs, etc., 107, 209
newspapers, 4
– and the six essential questions, 319
– The Daily Mail, 93, 226
– The Guardian, 221n., 225
– The Impartial Recorder, 63, 84, 87, 95, 103–104, 114, 133, 149–152, 192, 278, 298, 311–331 passim, 348, 350, 352–354
– The Sunday Times, 127, 221n., 319
Newton-John, Olivia, 299
New York,
– is Frank Gilbey’s kind of town, 138–139
– this is certainly not, 271, 356
New Yorker, The, 316, 321
Nicomachean Ethics, 3
Nietzsche, Friedrich,
– Beyond Good and Evil, 3
– guide to pronunciation, 32
nightmares, 104, 110
nostalgia,
– isn’t what it used to be, 8, 29–30, 129, 159, 177, 197, 215, 276, 319
novels,
– reading, ix–xii
– writing, ix–xii
occupations,
– perished, 15–17
optimism,
– see pessimism
paint, 191
– magnolia, 271
– see also entries under decorating
pancakes,
– Findus Crispy, 122
parents, 122–123, 158–159, 253
– a grown man thrown upon mercy of his, 62
Paris,
– not making it quite as far as, 165
passages,
– of good style, 14, 45, 137–138
past, the, 15, 17, 19, 137
– is history, according to Frank Gilbey, 179
– has a long memory, 9
pathetic,
– excuses, 22, 251–252
– fallacy, 18, 54, 110
pathos, 49–54 passim, 336
– socialism and, 196
– see also entries under communism
pessimist
– secret hopes of a, 148–149
Philosophy for Beginners, 3n., 7n., 32n., 73n., 125n., 250n.
photographs, 2–3, 103–104, 136, 329, 353–354
– blurred, 63, 151
– in family albums, 130
– wonky, 298
piano,
– stories, 79–80, 160
pies/puddings, 87, 121, 124–126, 313
pious, the,
– are more difficult to forgive than the average sinner, 106
pity, 255
platitudes, 25
Plato, 125
– ‘Phaedrus, commodity fetishism, and our symbolic lives and psychic habits’, 32
plot,
– thickens, the, 141
– see also entries under conspiracy
plumbing, 102
poems, 244
poetry,
– Billy Nibbs’s, 61, 67–68
politics, 41–42
politicians, 43, 196n.
popcorn, 43, 44
potatoes, 70, 101
– Mystery, recipe for, 124
– perfect roast, how to cook, 29
– see also entries under chips, Chip Crisps, food and snacks
prayer, 31, 53
– compared to sex and saying thank you, x
preaching, 71, 81–82, 187–188
prejudice, 312n.
priesthood,
– fantasy of becoming a member of the, Francie McGinn’s, 77
– peculiar satisfactions of the, 267
– see also entries under Catholicism and clergy
profundity,
– drunken, 111–113
progress, 84, 133–134, 151, 177, 186–188, 222, 245–246, 319, 323–324
Protestant,
– quiff, and drainpipe trousers, a, 42
– an unstinting, example of, 44
Prozac, 320
publishers,
– lies and venality of, 68, 109–110
pubs, 35, 61–65
Pullman, Philip,
– problem of evil in the work of, 157
– see also entries under autodidacts
quality, 172
– consistency and, 247
quiet,
– desperation, 82, 97, 239, 255
queuing,
– as a vital sign, 85
rabbit,
– senseless killing of a, 98
rain,
– drizzle, 70, 119
– midsummer, 102
– molested by, 15
– playing timpani, 296
– sheeting down, 11
rat,
– giant, 343
reading, 239, 240
regret, 137
religion, 53n., 71–83 passim
– as a disease, 142
– see also delusions
religious,
– but not good, 82
– doubt, and Hormone Replacement Therapy, 37
– revival, rumours of a, 188–189
reporterese, 314–315
resilience, 285
resolve, 13, 114
responsibility,
– in dreams begins, 41–42, 163
restaurant,
– French, 198
– Irish-themed, 24
– Wong’s Chinese, 117
return,
– of the prodigal, 1–18, 126
risk, 301
road,
– common, the, 22
– middle of the, 150
– ring, 1ff.
roads,
– how many, must a man, 150
– diverged in a wood, two, 13, 83
rock,
– between a, and a hard place, 181
rot,
– inwardly, 133, 216–218, 254–255
rubbish, 224n.
– modern life is, 17–18, 238, 258, 335
– stench of, 55
rut, a, 26
– is the opposite of a buzz, 99
sacrifice,
– too long a, 77, 237
saddest,
– tale, arguably, 318n.
sainthood,
– and tea-making, 91
salads, 77, 196, 237
Salinger, J.D.,
– author of the greatest work of twentieth-century fiction, allegedly, 156–157
– see also entries under autodidacts
salmon of knowledge, the, 275
salt,
– pinch of, 37
– of the earth, 13
sandwiches, 21, 23–24, 64, 85, 248–249
– and capitalism, 246
Santayana, George, 31
saveloys, 170n.
savings, pensions and investments, 221
scapegoat, 135
scene-setting, 14
scholarship,
– and homeless despondency, 73n.
school, 132–137
seasons,
– the four, 243
second income,
– fish-fingers and, 195
self-absorption, 204
self-conceit, 108
self-control, 143, 264
– complete lack of, 83, 216–218, 278
self-deception, 5, 40, 310
self-entrenchment, 155–156
self-esteem, 158
– new shower unit and, 102
self-impersonation, 20–21, 279
self-invention, 5, 22–23, 37, 88, 137–138, 142, 165, 242, 279, 286
serendipity, 327
– see also entries under coincidences
seventh son, the
– of a seventh son, evidence of God’s amusement, 4
sex, 143–144, 170, 205, 306
– and teaching your grandmother to suck eggs, 181
– compared to prayer and saying thank you, x
– money, and death, 171
– Rotary Club raffle sounds like telephone, 291
– shop, first and probably the last, 183n.
shame,
– ER, Sex and the City, and Sebastian Faulks’s Birdsong excite a sense of, 75
sheets,
– nylon, 148
– soiled, 104
Shloer, 213
shoes, 33, 84–85, 288, 291
– princess, 286
shopping, 172, 236
– and funerals, 263
shopping mall, the
– arguments in favour of, 289, 338–339
– depressing aspects of, 18, 238, 289
shops, 16–18, 84–89, 183, 202, 276, 312, 338
shout,
– how to, without getting a sore throat, 300
show business, 299, 302–303
showing off,
– see entries under show business and writing
signatures, 248–249
– sudden recognitions and revelations connected to, 130–131, 242, 295
signs, 23, 72, 73, 81, 190, 244–245, 252, 310
– and wonders, 80
silence,
– his mind moves upon, 26, 53, 103
– the rest is, 366
silent
– melancholy, the, of the plumber, 102–103
Silicon Valley,
– our very own, 245
sins, 306–307
Sisyphus, 250
sleet, 44, 54
small town, 14, 55, 230, 333, 345
– compared to city, 7, 127, 328
– compared to country, 152
Smart, Elizabeth,
– By Grand Central Station I Sat Down And Wept, a surprising success among the older ladies in town, 240n.
smile, 21, 288, 315
– beatific, not very convincing, 274
– how to, without feeling happy, 300
– philosophical, example of, 8
– see also entries under grins and smirks
smirks, 277
smoking, 11, 97, 204, 208, 215, 308, 332, 333, 364
– kills, 116
snacks,
– between meals, inadvisability of, 209n.
– see also entries under food, Chip Crisps and Chunky Butts
snow, 31, 332–333
society,
– there is such a thing as, pudding as proof that, 125
sociology,
– town’s only degree in, 3n.
Sodom and Gomorrah,
– skateboarding and, 308
solicitors,
– aspersions cast upon, 60
soul,
– the awakened, 101
soup,
– chicken and celery, recipe for, 123
– lentil, 307
– primal, 102
Spam,
– Hawaii and, 140n.
sparkling white wine, 81
standards,
– the difficulty of maintaining, 83, 212
storm,
– the gathering, 54, 69, 114, 242
success, 19, 39, 108, 117, 120, 138, 235
– cast-iron guaranteed secrets of, 250–251
suicide, 4, 197n.
Sunday,
– lunch, 29, 90–91, 319
sunflowers,
– Van Gogh’s, evidence of the unendingness of art, 111–112
sunshine, 55, 70, 115, 180, 207
sushi,
– and Christian guilt, 307
sweets, 87–88, 149
– see also entries under butter-balls
System, The, 248
tan,
– the St. Tropez, 40
tea, 91, 116, 149, 153, 265
– and wine, 124–125
teacher,
– ‘career’, euphemism for, 134
– English, 63–64
– leather-jacket wearing, readyrubbed rolling, 66
– Music, 135n.
teenagers, 261
teeth, 21
– Monica Hawkins’s father’s, true story about, 46n.
– Clarence Kemp’s, true story about, 318n.
television,
– is a huge comfort, 28
– Morecambe and Wise on, 36
– programmes, inheriting other people’s, 337
– stool, the, 122
– wide screen, 127
temptation,
– and the smell of barbecued meats, 83
– is Christmas in Tenerife, 194 texting, 31, 74
– a guide to Christian, 32n.
themes,
– disowning of, xi
– residual evidence of, Iff
time,
– and money 120–121, 251
– ‘Wounds All Heels’, 312
‘Too much pudding will choke the dog’, 169n.
tragic, the, 103, 314-315
travellers,
– and the pool of Narcissus, 139
– are tourists in other people’s reality, 356
– change climates, not conditions, 264
True Christian Manliness,
– the Boy’s Brigade and, 141
truth,
– is very probably non-existent, 162–163
Twain, Shania,
– video, as an aid to communicating effectively to the church’s young people, 83
twilight,
– the coming of a universal, 15–18, 29, 54, 100–101, 107
ukuleles, 231
underwear 39, 269
unhappiness,
– irreducible, 29, 82, 154, 238, 255
upholstery,
– as a business, 118
– limits of, as a hobby, 236
urine, 5, 207, 306
Van Gogh, Vincent, 112
– see also entries under sunflowers
velocity,
– maintaining, importance of, 13, 18, 54
violence, 63, 105, 278
– unorthodox view of, 53
Virgin Mary, 52
– business advice from the, 120
– hanging out the Christ child’s clothes, 53
– plaque, 49
virtue,
– examples of, 49–50, 64, 195, 200
vision,
– see delusions
vomiting, 58, 103
– see also diarrhoea
vulgarity, 43, 63–64
waffles, 336–337
wages, 251
– the, of sin is death, 183
waiter,
– forgotten arts of the, 301
wallets, 14, 120
wallpaper, 128–131
walls,
– of Jericho, 297
war,
– First World, 311
– Second World, 173–174
wart-charming, 275
waste,
– the, even in a fortunate life, 29, 347
weather,
– about the, 1, 11, 31, 55, 70, 84, 102, 115, 132, 164, 180
– more about the, 195, 207, 219, 243, 256, 270, 296, 311, 332, 366
weddings, 89–90, 213, 258, 285–286
wife,
– is the key of the house, 267
wild oats,
– sowing of, 83, 204–205
wills, 59–60
wind, 19, 270–271
windscreen-wipers, 11–12
wine, 75, 88, 140
– and tea, 124–125
Winterson, Jeanette,
– having read, and yet still having to work in an in-store bakery, the unfairness of, 215–216
wolf in sheep’s clothing, a, 141
wooing, 294–295
woolly,
– hat, for seamen, the knitting pattern for, 50
women,
– role of, in the New Testament, 305
– who have never had their colours done, 291–292
work, 92, 285
– donkey, 61–62, 128–129
– kills you, 115–116, 172, 251
– nice, 89, 288–289
world,
– end of the, 197
worship, 79, 186
writers, 156–157, 240
– arrogant, xi
– baseless hopes of, 154
– bullying, xi
– done up in fancy clothes, 110–111
– self-regarding, ix–xii
– wilful and selfish individuals, x
writing, 324
– the, is on the wall, 130–131
yearning, 29–30, 108
yes,
– an enormous, 366
zeal,
– without knowledge, 164–166, 309–310
Zeitgeist,
– author clearly au fait with the, 32, 91, 363–364