CHAPTER 14
“If I ask you a question, will you promise not to freak out?”
Connie stopped pulling her laundry out of our dryer and looked at me. “You know whenever you say something like that I freak out regardless?”
“I know. But I was hoping this time might be different.”
I’d put off answering Gareth’s questions about my mood the other night by filling him full of burritos, nacho chips, and homemade salsa. Then I insisted we watch the movie I’d gotten him for his birthday last month, even though we’d seen it twice already. The last thing I’d wanted to do was make Gareth feel that there was something wrong with our relationship, especially after how far we’d come after his own doubts about starting something new after the death of his wife. It was far better to suffer Connie’s wrath than risk hurting him.
“You’ve got that look to you.” She threw a towel at me for good measure. “Spill it, Liz.”
God, I didn’t want to insult my best friend. Her relationship with Stephen had been through its ups and downs over the years, enough for her to be sensitive to these types of questions. They were in a good place now with a wedding on the horizon. But I’d already opened this particular can of ick, so better to simply get on with it.
“The other day at work there were some women talking about the Simon Caldwell case.”
Connie snorted. “That asshole should be thrown in jail and have the key blasted into space.”
“I agree. But then they got to talking about the women and how they were being abused.”
“Yeah, they were.” Connie shut the dryer door closed with her hip. “He was totally taking advantage of them.”
“But he claims it was rough sex.”
“Sweetie, there’s a difference.”
“I know that.” I did. It was something I thought about all the time. “But it got me worried about . . . you know.”
“About how much you like it when Gareth spanks your ass.”
“I hate it when you say shit like that.” I threw the towel back at her. “They got talking about how people who like kinky sex like this are wrong in the head. Or that we’ve been abused and didn’t know any better.”
Connie didn’t respond to that.
“Then, of course, I got to reading stuff online. Some articles claimed that we’d been rewired to think of pain as pleasure. That in itself wasn’t normal. It’s like we’ve been manipulated.”
“People are assholes.”
“I know that. And I know better than to listen to everything on the Internet. I guess . . .” I sat down cross-legged on the floor. “I’d never even questioned this. The whole Dom auction thing was such a weird and wonderful way to get into kink that it never occurred to me that maybe I shouldn’t. That I was walking into something that wasn’t good for me.”
“Baby, I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. Considering I was the one who introduced you to this, I would hope that you’d trust me.”
“I do. Shit, I think I trust you more than myself. It’s just . . .” I was being stupid.
“This is more than the Caldwell case.” She sat down opposite me, mirroring my pose. “What’s really wrong?”
“Nothing.” Connie snorted, so I knew I’d have to give her more than that. “You know that promotion I’m going for?”
“Yeah.”
“Work is going to be checking social media and stuff. They want to make sure they don’t get any more sex freaks promoted.”
“Jesus.”
“So, on top of worrying that there is something wrong with me, I need to hide my extracurriculars from my bosses.” My stomach turned as I spoke, and for the first time in a long time I couldn’t look Connie in the eyes anymore.
“That’s not fair. What you and Gareth do in the privacy of your home is none of their business.” She let out a sigh. “I take it you were having some doubts about everything? Otherwise I can’t see this bothering you.”
As usual, Connie wouldn’t let me take the easy way out. “I guess. I don’t doubt Gareth, not even for a second. But I guess I’m worried that this is really the only thing we have in common. Most people don’t start their relationships this way, with just sex.” When it came down to it, I was worried that if the sex started to fade, if for some reason I wanted to walk away from the kink, that Gareth wouldn’t have any reason to stay. But thinking that and saying it out loud were two completely different things. “I just don’t want to be weird.”
“Look, I don’t know what to say. I don’t think of myself as weird or abnormal. Though I might have had some issues as a kid that I didn’t tell you about.”
My head snapped up. “What?”
“It’s . . . not something I discuss. Stephen knows, and that’s really all that matters to me.”
The fact that my best friend in the world was keeping something from me made my stomach turn again. “You know I’m always there for you.”
“I know.” She smiled and gave her head a little shake. “I’m fine and it’s the past. I like to leave it there.”
“Okay.”
“Anyway, we’re not abnormal for enjoying this type of sex. You were at Tail Whip and saw all the people there. If we’re freaks, then we’re a community of them. As long as everything is consensual, then you have nothing to worry about.”
“I guess.”
“You guess right. So, stop being so stupid, keep pictures offline, and take these towels to the closet, will you?”
The thought that I might be making a big deal out of nothing didn’t do much to improve my mood. As I shoved each of the towels into their respective spots, I couldn’t shake the feeling that as much as Connie might be right, maybe I wasn’t cut out for this lifestyle.
Gareth and I had never discussed the possibility of having a relationship that didn’t involve kink. Shit, I didn’t know if that was something that he’d even be up for.
Logic would dictate that perhaps I should get my head out of my ass and talk to him about this and how I’d been feeling. No one had ever accused me of being logical. Better to let things be for now. If this was simply nothing more than an overreaction to a bunch of news reports, then I didn’t want to screw things up with Gareth. We’d come too far for me to blow it now.
So, I was going to keep my mouth shut and continue to enjoy things.
Yup, that was totally what I was going to do.
Somehow.
I loved being naked. No, I wasn’t model material—thicker thighs, a little extra meat on my ass, that little bulge around my belly—but I’d finally come to accept that I didn’t need to try to fit a certain look. I was healthy, mostly happy, and currently naked as I vacuumed Gareth’s living room carpet.
My mother would have given me hell if she saw me. Not for being naked in a man’s house, but for doing his housework. Master Gareth had told me that this was part of my punishment for being thirty minutes late tonight. He didn’t care that it was actually Stephen’s fault for showing up late, which had thrown my entire timetable off. Personally, I figured it was just because Gareth didn’t like to vacuum. One of these days I was going to call him on that.
I still didn’t get why he’d have me do these “punishments” and then walk away. Wasn’t the whole point of this to tease him while I dance around the coffee table and bend over to pick pillows off the floor? He’d always leave when I was preoccupied. Totally annoying.
The loud whirring of the motor died with a flick of the switch. I really hated vacuuming, but I was damn good at it. With a cursory glance around to make sure I hadn’t missed anything, I wound the cord around the pegs and put it back in the closet. The television was still on, but the sound muted. Master Gareth had been watching something or other when I’d showed up, though he’d quickly abandoned the program upon my arrival. As I grabbed the remote to turn it off, I realized that he’d been watching the news.
Simon Caldwell was being led out of the courthouse with his lawyer, the two surrounded by a number of media looking for a statement. It was strange seeing him on the screen instead of walking through the halls on his way to some meeting or other. The normal, easy smile that he’d greet any passerby with was gone. His gaze locked on the ground below where he stood.
The ticker beneath him was a quote from one of the women who had claimed abuse at his hands: “He forced me onto the bed and spanked me until I had welts. It hurt for days.”
God.
There had been more than one night where welts on my ass had turned out to be the precursor to a great evening. I flicked the sound on, for God only knew what reason. The newscaster spoke with enough gravitas to emphasis his point.
“The accused has denied any wrongdoing, claiming that he was upfront with the woman regarding his tendencies toward rough sex. In a statement to police, Mia Jones claimed that while she was a willing participant in the sex, Mr. Caldwell went beyond the realm of acceptable limits. She alleges Mr. Caldwell choked her until she passed out, where he continued the assault. Since those charges were laid against him, two other women have come forward with similar complaints.”
I pressed the power button and stood staring at the blank screen. If this woman had walked into the situation with her eyes open and still ended up in trouble, then what the hell was I doing with Gareth? Maybe this was turning into one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
No, it couldn’t be. Gareth was many things, but I couldn’t believe that he’d hurt me. What Caldwell did wasn’t what Gareth and I did. There was no reason for me to think otherwise.
Just because our version of sex and pleasure wasn’t normal by a lot of people’s standards, didn’t mean I had to worry.
No, no reason at all.
I took a deep breath and steadied my nerves. “I’m all done, Sir.”
Master Gareth didn’t respond, which piqued my curiosity. If he wasn’t talking that meant he was plotting my demise . . . well, something that I knew I’d enjoy. In either case, I knew that I’d need to find him. I gave my nose a scratch before I sauntered into his bedroom.
I still got a bit of a shock every time I came in here. I don’t know what I’d been expecting the first time I’d been invited in, but the sage green walls, dark hardwood floor, and gigantic four-poster king-sized bed wasn’t it. I was still convinced that he had hidden wall fasteners somewhere, though he’d yet to use them if he did. The room was sexy, though, totally my style.
And currently empty.
“Master Gareth?” Where the hell did he get off to? His place wasn’t that big. “Sir?”
“Stop.”
His voice wasn’t raised, but the sternness in it had me freeze on the spot. “Yes, Sir.”
I felt him come up behind me, the scent of his aftershave still clinging to him even after a full day’s work. The wave of body heat that I’d normally feel against my skin from him was missing. He was probably still dressed, which got me excited. That was usually an indicator that we were about to get into something that would take us several hours. I’d had some of my best orgasms on nights like this. But unlike those previous times, I couldn’t stop from being a bit unsettled.
His hands found their way to my shoulders, his fingers gripping me firmly, but not enough to hurt. The contact helped ease my tension. “Did you finish everything I asked of you?”
“Yes, sir. Vacuuming and straightening of the living room is finished.” And now I hoped to get my reward. “Is there anything else you need, Sir?” A blow job? Ball sucking? Pussy to your face?
“Get on all fours on my bed. Don’t move.”
I couldn’t help but smile. The only thing that saved me from a smack to my ass was the fact that I wasn’t facing him. Without protest, I got into the position and waited. Master Gareth came around to the side of the bed so I was finally able to see what he had on.
The shock zipped through me, and there was no way I wasn’t able to stare. Gone were his normal dress pants and shirt that he’d been wearing during our scenes. Instead, he’d somehow squeezed into a tight pair of leather pants and a black T-shirt that might as well have been a second skin. He’d stopped dressing up almost completely since we’d officially gotten together as a couple.
Wait a minute . . .
“That’s the outfit you wore the night of the auction.”
He cocked an eyebrow.
I rolled my eyes. “Sir.”
“Yes, it is. I’m glad you remembered.”
It was weird that I’d forgotten about how good he looked dressed this way. Dangerous, in control, and totally fuckable. How did I ever get the nerve up to bid for him at the auction? Master Gareth wasn’t the type of man whom I’d normally think I’d have a chance with, would ever be an equal to.
Though were we really equals when it came to sex?
“Stop that.”
I turned my head to look him in the eyes. “Stop what, Sir?”
“You’re tense. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were nervous.”
I sat up and rested my ass on my feet. My gaze slipped to the bed and I knew I was frowning. From day one Master Gareth had always told me that the submissives were the ones with the power in the relationships. That they could determine if a scene stopped or continued on, that the power of the safeword and the trust that they’d established with their verbal contract made it so.
For the first time in the four months that we’d been together, I truly wondered if that was the case. I’d never tested it. Not really.
Master Gareth frowned. “I’m pausing things. Are you okay, Liz?”
Such a simple question, with a very complicated answer. “I honestly don’t know.”
He sat down beside me on the bed. “You’ve been off for days now. Weeks even. I’d been hoping that you would talk to me on your own. I wanted to give you space. But now I’m asking. What’s wrong? And please don’t tell me nothing.”
It shouldn’t seem natural for me to be sitting naked beside him on his bed while he was fully clothed, but it was. I took his hand in mine, lacing our fingers. We didn’t do this, hold hands. We didn’t do a lot of things that typical couples did, and maybe that was the problem.
“I think I need a break.” As soon as I said the words I felt sick.
Gareth tensed. “From us?”
“No, God no. Just from . . . kink. I think. I’m not sure.”
He nodded and gave my hand a squeeze. “It’s the Caldwell case, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, I feel stupid because I never had any concerns about this when we first started. But every time I turn on the radio or the news it’s there, in my face. People telling me that I’m a freak, or that my brain is screwed up, or that you’re abusing me and I’m too dumb to notice. It’s all anyone talks about at work. I can’t say anything. If I agree with them, I’m lying. If I argue, then I risk my job.”
I should say the rest, that I was scared that the basis of our relationship was faulty, but I just couldn’t.
Gareth was normally a man who didn’t react impulsively. I think it had to do with his academic leanings, his ability to look at a problem from different angles and find a way to deal with them. His quiet contemplation didn’t unnerve me. If anything, at least I knew he was taking my concerns seriously and not simply brushing them off.
“If you have doubts about what we’re doing, then I can’t in good conscience continue.” I couldn’t help but hear the sad note in his voice. “If you don’t trust me completely, then this is done.”
Shit, it felt as though we were breaking up. “I don’t want to lose you.”
He smiled and patted my hand. “Me either.”
“So, what do we do now?”
“You tell me.” He looked me in the eyes. “As of this minute I’m not your Dom anymore. You need to tell me what you want.”
The back of my throat tightened and it suddenly became difficult to breathe. “I want you. I want us to be a normal couple. Go on dates, have regular sex. Be together.”
“Ah.” He looked away. “Normal.”
“You’ve done normal before. You told me you enjoyed it.”
“I did.”
We didn’t say anything for several minutes. I was terrified that this was it between us, but I also knew that I couldn’t continue on with the kink, not with how I was currently feeling. If Gareth was unwilling to try the normal thing, then there was a chance that this really was it for us.
He stood up but didn’t let go of my hand. “I’m willing to do that.”
Relief swept through me and I couldn’t hold back my sigh. “Oh, good.”
“But I think we should call it a night. I need time to think.”
The last thing I wanted to do was leave him alone, but he’d done me the favor of trying this for me, it was the least I could do. “Sure. But can I see you tomorrow?”
“Maybe. Probably. I’ll call you.”
He didn’t look at me as I got dressed, but neither did he leave me alone. I felt like shit for doing this to him, causing him this internal turmoil. When I pulled my socks on and was finally dressed, I put my hands on my hips. “Maybe I’m overreacting. I’m being stupid.”
“No, you have concerns and they need to be addressed. In a way I’m surprised you haven’t had some doubts before now.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s fine.”
It really wasn’t, but that’s where I’d put us.
He walked me to the door and waited for me to get dressed. Before he opened the door, I leaned up and kissed him hard on the mouth. “Okay. Call me.”
“Yeah, tomorrow.”
I took transit home and managed to keep my shit together until I got into my place. I was greeted with the sounds of Connie’s and Stephen’s moans coming from her bedroom. That was the last straw for me. With tears streaming down my face I raced into my room, quietly shut the door, and fell onto my bed. I fell asleep at some point, my cheek pressed to my tear-soaked pillow.