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At work, thoughts of Darren and I making love consumed me. His eyes staring deep into mine, breathing the words: Don’t ever leave me became the favorite parts of our story. Part of me worried that things would be weird between us; possibly changing for the worse. The trip had me craving him more every second that passed. I held steadfast onto his promise of “figuring things out” with his wife for us to be together. The last thing I wanted was to be left feeling like a fool for waiting and believing.
While in deep thought, Miss Alice came over. By looking at the time displayed on the clock, I already knew what she was going to ask. She forced herself into my cubicle and rested her flat backside on my desk.
“Hey Jenn, lunch?”
I wanted to say no, but I desired a distraction from the trip and emotions trailing with it.
“Sure, Miss Alice,” I smiled. “Why not?”
Right before gathering my things to leave, I received an instant message from Darren on my computer.
“Miss Alice, I need to answer this email real quick. I’ll meet you at the elevator.”
“Okay. Take your time,” she replied in a squealing voice.
I waited until she was out of sight to open the message.
Darren McCray: Hey Jenn. I’m sorry, but I can’t come over this week. I’ll talk to you soon.
The message was very bland, short, and disappointing. That was the last thing I needed based on how I felt leaving Puerto Rico. Something about the message didn’t sit well with me. Usually, when he canceled, an explanation would follow. And that explanation always included him being with his daughter. My mind immediately went to his wife finding out about the trip.
Is this the beginning of the end? I thought, closing out the message without leaving a response.
Darren had been spending a lot of time with me. His wife HAD to be suspicious. We went way too far. At that moment I felt, just maybe, I had been played by Darren. He made me believe that he was figuring things out, in my interpretation he was about to leave his wife for me. Silly me.
They never leave their wives. I whispered to myself.
A huge headache arose with the adverse thoughts that came from the cryptic message. Then, I thought about our lovemaking in San Juan. He came inside of me. TWICE!
I can’t be pregnant with his child! I screamed in my head, riding the elevator down to meet Miss Alice.
To my surprise, lunch with Miss Alice was quite pleasant. Which was a positive turn of events given the ghastly state my mind was in. The “old soul” of the office entertained me and a few coworkers with stories of her moderately wild past in high school. Which paled in comparison to what kids engage in today. However, it was great to have something else besides my non-relationship, relationship to ponder on.
On our way back into the office, Darren stepped off the elevator. He was completing a call on his cell when I paused, giving a signal that we needed to talk. However, he didn’t stop, only nodded hello and kept walking. My heart sank. It was as if we didn’t share intimate moments days before. We had dialed back to me being the wandering admirer and he being the Accounting Director who didn’t know my name.
After his dismissive behavior, I regretted opening that door, and my legs. To me, he was done and I had to find a way to be okay with that. I had no right to be upset because I slept with another woman’s husband. I deserved to feel the pain.
I immediately recalled the conversation with Kassandra about her married lover. She wasn’t ready to let go, but she had to. I was beginning to know how she felt first hand. Getting a piece of something while imagining the future then all of a sudden, it was stripped away. On top of that, I was afraid that I’d be carrying his child.
We stepped into the elevator and just when I was starting to feel low, Miss Alice opened her damn mouth, sinking me even lower.
“Did you see Darren’s wife outside?” she said to another coworker. “It’s been a while since she’s been here. Guess she’s taking her hubby to lunch. Cheryl’s such a nice woman, and their daughter is too precious!”
What in the hell?!?! I thought to myself. My stomach churned with chunks rising in my throat. The elevator took way too long to get to our floor.
I walked past his wife without even knowing it! The good memories of Puerto Rico turned into a HUGE mistake. How dare he have a loving weekend with me then parade his wife around the office a day later? And how could we have ended up together anyway, I would have needed to find another job. I wouldn’t have been able to handle walking around the office, known as the woman who broke up “D as in Darren’s” marriage.
Reaching my desk, I sent him an instant message. It was time to end things for good. We had our fun; my fantasy came true. Darren Calvin McCray needed to fix his marriage and I had to move on with my life.
Jennifer Steele: I can’t do this anymore. I’m not trying to be the other woman. You don’t have to figure out things for us. Go and be happy with your family.
I felt proud after sending the message, but my heart ached. I cared for Darren and letting him go wasn’t easy. My focus went back to a project I had been working on for the past two weeks. I didn’t mind Michael’s constant micro-management compared to the gruesome feeling of losing Darren.
As I was getting ready to leave for the day, I received a response.
Darren McCray: Jenn, please talk to me. Are you about to leave?
Jennifer Steele: Yes.
My hands were shaking as I typed the three-letter response. A panic attack was commencing and I didn’t have anyone to turn to for comfort.
Darren McCray: Meet me downstairs I’m taking you home.
Jennifer Steele: I don’t need a ride. I need to stop by the store anyway.
Darren McCray: I’ll take you to the store then I’m taking you home. Meet me downstairs.
I waited until I was done packing up before I responded. Going back and forth with him would have had me sitting at that desk all evening; shaking and crying over him.
Jennifer Steele: No!
I didn’t want him to pop up at my cubicle, so I rushed to close down my computer then rushed to the back stairs leading to the side door exit of the building.
As I reached the next floor down, I realized I made a few stupid decisions. Giving too much attention to Darren, sleeping with Darren, and thinking I could walk eight floors down. My phone pinged with a message from him.
Teddy Bear Eyes: BABY STOP WHERE ARE YOU! HAVE YOU LEFT YET??
I ignored it and paused at floor six to catch my breath. It didn’t hit me that I was moving too fast while carrying a bulky backpack. Another message got me back on my feet to continue down.
Teddy Bear Eyes: PLEASE TALK TO ME!
Ignored. I moved faster so I wouldn’t run into him in the lobby.
Teddy Bear Eyes: BABY JUST LET ME TAKE YOU HOME SO WE CAN TALK!!
Ignored again. Two more floors were beneath me, then I was home free.
Teddy Bear Eyes: WHAT’S WRONG!? WHAT HAPPENED!?!?
Teddy Bear Eyes: CALL ME!
If I had answered the messages, the temptation would’ve taken over. Darren showed who had his heart, by having Cheryl show up at our job. There was no purpose in me listening to explanations?! The same explanations that resulted in me going away with him.
Finally, out the side door, I looked around to remember what street I was on. I shuffled to a bus stop bench to rest and get my thoughts together. Fingers still shaking, I blocked his number. Then, the knot in my stomach helped me to remember another issue to take care of.
After regaining composure, I walked to the drug store to get an emergency contraception pill. Luckily, I was still within the 72-hour time frame for it to work and prevent my life from getting more complicated. Kids were out of the question at that time in my life. Especially with Darren.
Entering the store, I felt all eyes on me. Like they knew I was in some type of major dilemma that had to be resolved by a pill. I was so embarrassed. To make things worse, the pills were locked inside a case behind the register. No discreet self-checkout for me to get in and get out.
“Can I get the Plan B pill?” I asked the nonchalant associate.
Hearing me speak those words sent my nerves into a frenzy. Why do stores put women through that type of uneasiness?! Dealing with it alone, weakened my body even more. I smelled the judgment exuding through her as she retrieved the key to grab it. It seemed like forever for her to unlock the glass cabinet and place the box on the counter to ring it up. Adrenaline hit me as soon as she bagged it, and I was out the door.
I felt better when I got home. In a safe haven where I could take my pill and determine what to do with everything that reminded me of Darren.
With a glass of water, I cried in the bathroom mirror. I thought about everything that man promised me within three days of spending a romantic weekend together. His words and the well-planned events; all were a misguided way of getting me into bed.
“How could I have slept with a married man who had relations with his wife a week prior?!” I judged myself.
I became too ashamed to continue to face myself in the mirror. I downed the pill, then headed back to the living room.
“You need to get rid of him for good Jennifer!” I screamed to myself.
In the spirit of listening to common sense, I tore down the painting, ripped off the diamond necklace I flaunted throughout the day, and packed up the souvenirs from Puerto Rico. The next plan was to send everything back to Mr. Teddy Bear Eyes via messenger. At first, they were going to his home, then I had a second thought to send them to the office so that his wife wouldn’t see them. It was a risk for her to find my address.
That night, I cried myself to sleep. I’d never felt so alone in my life. There was no one to talk to about how I felt. My friends nor my sister knew just how deep I was in with Cheryl’s husband. Calling Kassandra for advice on how to deal could have been an option, but I felt stupid for what I had gotten myself into. I settled on suffering alone.
At 6AM, I was startled out of bed by heavy knocks at the door. I jumped up and looked at my phone. My sister would have called first and no other person would come to my door at that time of the morning.
“It better not be Darren!” I said, angrily stumbling to the front door.
And it was. I saw him standing in the hallway wearing his usual sexy suit through the peephole.
“Go away, Darren,” I shouted through the closed door. “I don’t want to see you.”
“Jenn, stop! Don’t do this. Just let me talk to you please!” he shouted back.
“Don’t wake up my neighbors Darren. Just go home, or go to work, dammit just go away! This all was a mistake anyway!” I screamed.
“Jenn, please! Open the door!” he knocked again.
I didn’t want to see him, but I wanted to see him. And the yelling match was getting a little too dramatic for me.
I flung the door open. “What?”
“What is the problem, Jenn?!?” Darren asked storming past me. “I thought you said you weren’t going to leave me?!”
“That was before yesterday,” I slammed the door behind him. “Before you sent that weird message. Before you decided to parade your wife around the office!”
I paused to see if he had anything to say. His face sunk to the floor as if he didn’t think I would find out about Cheryl being there.
“What am I supposed to do with that?” I continued trying to get a rise out of him. “What, you want me to meet her too!? Then, I have to listen to my coworkers go on about how lovely she is! This was a mistake. A HUGE mistake. You’re not leaving her for me. That whole ‘figure it out’ mess was a lie!”
“Jenn...” he whined, holding his hand out for me.
“Get out Darren!” I motioned for him to leave.
“I can’t control what other people say, Jenn,” he begged. “You know I care about you.”
“No! You don’t get to do this. I’m not going to be strung along while you enjoy being the wholesome married man. It won’t work. Thanks for the memories, but you have to go.”
Darren looked at my wall and saw where the painting he bought me had been removed and pointed to the empty space. “Where’s the painting?”
“Did you hear ANYTHING that I just said?!?!” I paced flailing my hands around.
“Yes!” he nodded, swiftly then stopped me from pacing by grabbing my arm, “I hear you. I don’t understand, but I hear you. Now I’ve been upfront this entire time. I’ve tried my BEST to keep from hurting you. My wife showing up had NOTHING to do with you. So what I’m missing out on seeing you this week. You know I have a family. It’s hard. But it doesn’t erase the feelings I have for you, Jenn. I’m not leaving you, baby. Just give me some time to work this out.”
“Work what out?!?! Either you’re staying or leaving. What is it?!” I shouted.
His demeanor turned cold. I was going off on him, and he didn’t like it
“So now you’re giving ultimatums?” he asked, releasing my arm.
“YES!”
I felt Darren’s anger rising. I must admit, it turned me on! He didn’t say a word. Taking a seat on the sofa, he placed his head in his hands. After a few deep breaths, with his head lifted to me, he finally spoke.
“I can’t do this with you, Jenn. I’m hurting you. I know. But...what am I supposed to do with the feelings I have for you?”
“Throw them away,” I replied, emotionless.
“Are you serious?!” he yelled. “After everything we’ve been to each other these past few months. We’re done?!”
“I can’t run the risk of you waking up and realizing that your family is where your heart lies. Then what will I do?” I muttered, walking towards him.
“Why do you think I’d do that to you? After everything I’ve said, why Jenn?”
“Because I don’t trust you,” I cried. “I don’t trust this situation.”
Darren stood up before me. Boldly. Stern. His cologne came into my inhales which entangled into my raging emotions. I had to hold back the chills slowly rising inside and stand my ground.
“Jennifer, look me in the FACE and you tell me that you’re done with me. I’m not trying to turn back from what we’ve started, but I won’t constantly deal with the same argument with you.”
The demanding statement angered me. He put me in a position where I was the second choice and then had the nerve to say I couldn’t speak on it. How selfish of him to say that to me. Those words gave me the motivation to walk away.
“Darren, I care about you so much. But, I’m not worthless. I won’t be treated as such. You’re not going to put me off for years and years. WE ARE DONE!” I fired back with tears rolling down my face.
“Okay,” Darren responded nodding his head in a low tone. “I’ll always care about you, Jenn. But if you can’t do this, I understand. I wasn’t going to drag you on. By the way, my wife showed up yesterday because once we returned from Puerto Rico, I suggested we separate. She showed up unannounced to talk about it. I didn’t know she was going to be there. And one of your rules was to not get you in a situation where she’d embarrass us. I was scared. THAT’S why I didn’t stop to talk to you.”
He waited for me to say something. Maybe a sorry, but that wasn’t coming out of my mouth. After studying my expressions and body language, he continued.
“And I need to spend more time with my daughter. That’s why I said I can’t come over this week. She’s starting dance classes. I told you that. I wanted to be there with her. See, it has nothing to do with how I feel about you. I wasn’t playing with your feelings. I’ve never done this before. There’s something real between us Jenn. It’s just...”
Darren backed away with his fingers interlocked on top of his head. “This is bad timing. It should have been you. Not Cheryl. I feel guilty about that. I don’t know what it is but I want you so bad. The purpose of taking you to Puerto Rico was to show you that. But there’s nothing I can say to make you believe that. You’ll always think I’m attempting to live a double life.”
“But you are Darren,” I replied and pointed to his gifts packed in the corner. “Take those things with you.”
I believed him, but I wasn’t trying to hear that. My time was done. Chapter closed. My response sent the message that I didn’t want to hear anything else from him. He wiped his face, collected the stuff, and left.
“Goodbye, Darren,” I whispered to the closed door.
I stayed home from work for two days. I couldn’t face him nor his wife popping up at the office. Luckily, my boss allowed me to work from home. The rest of the time was spent studying, writing papers, praying for my period to come, and crying over Darren. Our argument didn’t sit well with me. There was more I wanted to say but at the time, the words couldn’t come out. I was floored when he told me that he wasn’t going to keep going back and forth about his wife. It was the core issue in our relationship. He could have at least let me in on exactly what he was “figuring out”.
I wanted him back but that wasn’t a possibility. He was the only man I cared about, and I had to let him go. Being with him made me feel so incredible. Our connection was real, I knew it was real. You couldn’t fake what we had; however, I didn’t fit into his life’s equation which included a wife and child.
By night two, the feeling of regret came over me. I missed him, I missed us. The excitement of having someone who cared enough to cater to me and didn’t want anything from me in return. I remember regretting ending things without fully talking them out. But I didn’t know he asked his wife for a separation. He could have shared that with me. As I was falling deeper into wanting him back, common sense reassured that I did the right thing.
I came back to work hoping that I didn’t run into Darren. My eyes were a little puffy from the crying I’d done. Sitting at my desk, I quickly booted up my computer hoping that I’d see instant messages from Darren but, there was nothing. How could I have met someone who made me feel so wonderful yet unattainable?
The only bright side was that Miss Alice was away at a conference for the remainder of the week. At least I’d get some peace while getting over Darren.
Returning from lunch, I overheard my manager, Michael, talking with an unknown employee.
“Yea, everybody’s away this week. And my guy D will be out for the next two weeks. Something about taking a needed vacation.”
After I heard that, my mind went to bad places. The idea of him taking his family on a vacation right after ours hurt my soul. That concluded everything I was thinking the entire time. It was confusing as hell to me. Why would he turn to back his wife if he had such deep feelings for me!?!?
Knowing that information was further confirmation for me to move on...FOR GOOD!
~~~~~~~
As time went on, I felt a little better about ending the affair. Although I missed him, I knew we couldn’t have had what I wanted. I had to start getting out and living. And living meant doing a little retail therapy at the mall.
While browsing through clothes, I felt eyes on me. I put on as if I didn’t notice and resumed searching through racks. It didn’t work, the medium height figure came near. No cologne smell meeting me, no chills, no Darren. However, it was energizing to feel a new man in my presence.
“Need some help?” he asked in a raspy voice.
I looked over to my right, finding a chocolate handsome man standing next to me. Not my usual type, but very attractive. He reminded me of an upgraded version of the ex-boyfriend, Kevin.
“Nope, just looking,” I smiled. “You work here or something?”
He chuckled, rubbing his beard. “Nah, I don’t. You seemed like you needed some help.”
“Oh,” I rolled my eyes back to the clothing rack. “I’m good. Thanks.”
“You from here?” he asked, moving as I moved.
I cut my eyes in his direction, wondering if I wanted to give him my time or not. “Yea.”
“Cool. I just moved down here from Detroit about a month ago.”
My eyes went back to browsing, but I still gave him a piece of my attention.
“What brought you down here?” I asked.
“DJing. The club scene down here is better and I made a few connections, so I thought it was a good look to just relocate,” he replied swaying his hands as he talked.
“Nice. You like it so far?”
“It’s different, but I like it. The women down here are too much sometimes.” He laughed, propping his arm on the clothing rack.
“Ha! I can agree with that. But hey, that’s Atlanta for you.”
“I suppose. It’s hard to date.”
“You’ve only been here a month. Dating is hard already!?!?” I laughed, placing clothes around my forearm.
“I’m always at clubs so you never know who’s real or not.”
“Oh...I see,” I nodded. “Well, I’m not much of the clubbing type. So I don’t have those problems.”
“You didn’t strike me as the type,” he licked his lips and checked out my body with his eyes. “You should come and check out my set one night. I think you’d like it.”
“I don’t know who you are Mr. DJ Stranger.”
He laughed hard, holding his stomach. “You got jokes huh? I’m Martin. But at the clubs, I’m DJ Ready.”
“That’s an interesting alias,” I swung my body to face him, intrigued by the name. “Is there a backstory to that one?”
“Because I’m always ready. Prepared for whatever opportunity that comes my way,” he replied talking with his hands.
I liked his vibe. I don’t know if it was the newness or the fact that I was in the mood to move on, but I wanted to know more about DJ Ready. And to find out what he was “ready” for when it came to pursuing me.
We made plans to meet for dinner the following night. Just like that, I was back in the dating scene and moving on from Darren. I had to learn how to mix and mingle again with the opposite sex. Martin was the perfect “test dummy”.
It appeared that I had met Martin at the mall, but for our date DJ Ready showed up. He wore a t-shirt covered with graphic anime characters, chains galore, dark shades, and jeans that could be seen in most rap videos. He definitely dressed the part of a typical club DJ. I wasn’t thrilled at the switch in personas, but it was a night out and I had to keep myself open.
“I DJ at different clubs here and there. You know I gotta hustle.” he said while we waited for appetizers and drinks.
“I feel ya,” I nodded. “So outside of DJing, what do you do?”
“Stay on my grind you know. Networking, meetings, and catching flights. It’s ‘Team No Sleep’ over here baby girl.”
That answer was basically a whole bunch of nothing. I was too hungry to dive deeper into what his “grind” actually meant. But you couldn’t blame a dude for making honest money. I had gotten used to deeper conversations with Darren and thorough explanations to questions. He’d opened my eyes to a different caliber of man and it was difficult to think of turning back.
Martin then played with his chain to make sure I saw it. They could have been real diamonds, but either way, I didn’t give a shit.
“You in school?” he asked, continuing to show off the chains.
“Yea. I’m getting my Master’s Degree. I work full-time as a Web Developer.” I replied twiddling the fork with my index finger.
“Oh, you smart! I may need you on my team. I’m thinking about expanding my brand so I’ll definitely need a website,” he smiled. “How much do you charge?”
“I don’t usually freelance. But it all depends on what you need.”
“I need everything. We can rap about that later though.” Martin flashed a sneaky grin. “I’m trying to get close to you.”
“Okay,” I replied with an eerie look.
“I got a set starts at midnight tonight. You should come through,” he suggested as the food and drinks came to the table.
“Sounds like fun. Let me know where and I’m there.” I smiled.
The remainder of the dinner was nothing to write home about. Martin, excuse me, DJ Ready talked about his hustling days in Detroit, how he’s the best DJ in the nation, and there was a lot of name dropping. I even suffered through an hour-long scrolling session through his Instagram page so that he could prove he knew the “who’s who” in the entertainment business.
Later that night, I was in a noisy club waiting for Martin. He entered with a thick entourage and quickly came over as soon as he saw me standing in the corner.
“Come up here with me!” he said, taking me by my waist, pointing to the DJ booth.
I got lost in the entourage on the way. Eventually making it to where he was, I took a seat behind the booth and watched DJ Ready in action. I was actually impressed with how the crowd responded to his set. Maybe there was something to him being the best DJ in the nation.
The beginning of the night was fun, the drinks were free, and he even took time to come sit with me during a break.
“Aye,” he scooted close to me, “Like I was saying earlier. I wanna get to know you. I need a woman like you. Damn, you look good tonight.”
While talking, I noticed his hand rubbing my thigh. It made me feel uncomfortable. I enjoyed being in his company, but not like that.
“Thanks,” I replied, removing his hand.
“Oh sorry. Am I doing too much?” he asked, slightly backing away. “You just look so sexy. I can’t resist you.
I nodded with a short smile. “Try harder.”
“So, what do you wanna do after this?” he asked, returning his hand to my body.
That time was on my stomach like he was petting a puppy or something.
“I’m going home and going to bed. I have papers to write for school.” I moved his hand again.
“I got a computer at home.”
Then there was his hand again, stroking my neck. I was fed up that he wasn’t getting the message. The night was over. I went from being wined and dined with a respectable man in paradise to blocking gropes from a dude I barely knew. Oh, how the mighty had fallen. Why was I settling for that, just to get over Darren?
“I need to go,” I stood quickly and pushed my way out of there. I didn’t even look back to give him a chance to respond.
Needless to say, I never heard from Martin nor DJ Ready again. His constant advances were a complete turnoff. I didn’t want to have sex with him; I just wanted a new friend. It was obvious I wasn’t the type of woman he was looking for and I refused to fall prey to a man like him. At the time, I felt that Martin was my karma for dealing with Cheryl’s husband. Good. The sin paid was for and I could get on with my life.
It had been a month without Darren. I’d hear him around the office and made myself scarce so we didn’t run into each other. It got easier to get through the night without crying, but I thought about him a lot.
I craved Darren too much. Missed his body on top of mine. Yearned for his arms around me. I craved his kisses. I craved those deep dimples from his smile and that geeky laugh. The memories of Darren and I spending time together, talking, experiencing new adventures in Puerto Rico, and most of all, making love took over anything that I could have felt for a new guy. DJ Ready soured the goal of dating and I was back to square one in getting over Mr. Teddy Bear Eyes.