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Mid-August and the heat continued its wrath in Atlanta. I longed for a getaway. I accrued a few days of vacation time, so I took advantage as soon as I could. For the next five days, I’d be in a tranquil cabin north of the city. Along with a cheap rental car, I was ready for solitude. No phone, Wi-Fi to do school work, and PLENTY of comfort food. My mind needed a reset to focus solely on my life goals in keeping my job and completing school.
When I reached the cabin and checked in, I struggled with the groceries and luggage. There wasn’t a fancy car service nor Darren’s strong arms to help. I was all alone. The cabin was beautiful. It had a nice kitchen, comfy bed, big living room, and a hot tub. Although the tub was a much smaller version than the one Darren and I made love in, it was big enough for me.
It wasn’t going to be easy, but I had to shake the thoughts and feelings for him. Wine was the BEST answer to kick off the refocusing. I seasoned a pack of chicken and popped it into the oven, then changed into my swimsuit to relax in the hot tub. Luckily, there was a TV in the area, so I wouldn’t have to sit in silence with wandering thoughts.
I soaked in the tub while flipping channels to find a movie or a good sitcom to watch. Nothing. I grew bored fast. Settling on a detective show, my phone rang displaying an unknown number.
“He-Hello?” I answered hesitantly.
“Hi, Jenn!”
I automatically knew that voice. My girl Kassandra.
“Why are you calling me from an unknown number?” I asked, relieved to have someone to talk to.
“I lost my phone and I decided to change my number altogether. You know? A fresh start,” she laughed. “What are you doing?”
“Well, I decided to take a vacation to the cabins for some alone time,” I replied in a dull tone.
“What’s wrong girl? You sound sad.”
“You know the guy, Darren, whom I was talking about when I came to visit,” I belted out sinking into the tub. “I let him go.”
“Yea, I remember him,” she sighed. “I wondered what happened between you two. Wait, I thought you already let him go after you left Boston.”
“I didn’t. We got deeper into our...thing,” I confessed.
“Oooooh, no wonder you cut back on your bi-weekly calls,” Kassandra replied in a smug tone.
“Yep, I didn’t want to tell anyone about it,” I mumbled, placing my hand on my shaking head. “He took me on a trip to San Juan, and our relationship got deeper. Then, it went down the drain once his wife showed up at the office the following week. Not even a full forty-eight hours after we made love before he showed her off. He had his reason for it, but...”
“Wait, back up. You guys went to Puerto Rico? You made love to this man? You met his wife? What tha hell!?!” she replied, confused.
I spent the next half-hour clearly explaining everything to Kassandra. She didn’t say much during my “monologue”, just listened as a friend. And I truly needed that.
“Hey, I know the feeling, Jenn. You meet a man that lights a fire in you, and you’re not ready to put it out. But what do you REALLY want?” she asked.
I thought for a minute before responding. “I want Darren. It’s selfish, but I want him. We have a real connection. I don’t feel like he’ll hurt me, but you never know with these things. I’ve never heard of a man leaving his wife, then he and the mistress live happily ever after.”
“Me neither. But, if he’s going through the motions of getting separated, you two just may be the exception. Do you think it’s worth sticking around until he handles that?”
“Yes!” I answered without a second thought.
“Then, there you go. You’re young. If it’s a mistake you have time to fix it. I know this probably isn’t the best advice but, you gotta be happy in this life,” she said firmly.
After getting off the phone with Kassandra, I left the hot tub to finish dinner. Dripping wet in the kitchen, I made a salad and pasta to go with my Italian baked chicken. Sitting at the dinner table, alone, in my swimsuit, the words of my friend replayed. Darren and I were overdue for a talk, without the misplaced anger. It must have been a combination of wine and emotions kicking in. Suddenly, his number was unblocked and I called him. I didn’t care what he was doing at 7 pm on a Thursday, but I wanted to hear his voice.
“Hey, Jenn,” Darren answered.
“Hi, Darren. Do you have time to talk?” I replied in a hopeful voice.
“Yea, I had dinner with my daughter. She’s upstairs playing now.”
I didn’t know what to say next. There wasn’t a game plan, I winged it.
Darren noticed my silence and continued. “I didn’t know what to do with the stuff you gave back to me, so it’s sitting in a storage closet in the garage. I wish you would have talked to me first before giving it back.”
Bringing up the returned gifts was his way of getting some type of conversation going.
“Okay,” that was all I could say. An apology wanted to come out, but it didn’t.
“So, what do I owe to this phone call, Jenn?” he asked, growing impatient.
“I-I don’t know. It’s just...that...I miss you.”
“You do?” he asked surprised. “It’s been a month, Jenn. No calls, no messages at work, and now you miss me?”
“Yes!” I exclaimed. “I’m here, alone at this cabin and all I can do is think about you. All I ever do is think about you, Darren. I miss us. What we got into wasn’t the right, but it started. It happened so fast and...”
“Wait, what are you doing at a cabin all alone?” Darren asked in a panic. “Is it safe?”
“I’m fine, I just needed some time to refocus,” I replied attempting to calm him down.
“Where are you? Tell me where you are, and I’ll be there in the morning.” He demanded.
Those words brought chills. The chills I’d been lacking since the last time I saw him.
“I’ll text you the address.” I breathed, trying to contain the fire growing within me.
“I’m coming to you in the morning after I drop my daughter off at her mother’s.” He said, It seemed like he was on his feet, walking around in a haste.
“At her mother’s? What does that mean?”
“It means, I moved out.” He stated boldly.
“Wh-What?” I asked, with the fire turning into shivering nerves.
“Baby, I told you I asked my wife for a separation. And it happened. Not legally yet, but it’s getting there.” He explained.
Knots formed in my stomach. I pushed the dinner away because the sight of it made me sicker.
“Darren, how did this come about?”
“I told you I was figuring things out. I didn’t want to leave you. I love my wife but, she doesn’t make me feel the way you do. Never did. I guess that’s what drew me to you so much. Cheryl and I were good friends. We should have kept it that way. She settled because she was getting older and wanted a family. I wanted companionship. I tried, but I was never in love with her.”
I was torn between feeling guilty for awakening those feelings in Darren towards his wife and happy that I was the one he wanted.
“Darren...” I sighed, getting up from the table. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It needed to happen. Hey, I have to check on my daughter and put her to bed. Can I call you later tonight?”
“Yes. I’d like that.”
“Okay. Be careful. Bye.”
“Bye Darren.”
I felt numb.
I broke up a family. I made a man realize that he was missing something in his marriage, and broke up a family. But, then maybe I did them a favor? They settled for each other and I, strangely, saved them. I tried to rationalize my actions with the new information Darren gave. Anything that would help me feel better about what actually happened.
Later that night, Darren called back as promised. We laughed and talked like old times. The connection was present; we didn’t miss a beat. The separation of he and Cheryl never came up. It made me feel sick. Although relieved, I felt bad for Mrs. McCray and his daughter. If we ended up together, I would eventually have to face them both. What could I say to them? Hi, I’m your new stepmom...Yes, I’m that woman who wrecked your family. How humiliating!
Instead, we talked about things we bonded over. He’d visited a few art galleries and told me about a few new artists to check out once I was back in the city. We also talked about our time in Puerto Rico and the lovemaking. That made me hot! I relived those moments of him inside of me in my mind as the conversation went deeper into the passion we shared.
The next morning, I woke up to two missed calls from Darren. We were on the phone very late, so that resulted in me sleeping longer than I’d plan to.
“Hey, babe!” He answered in a happy mood.
“Hi, I just woke up.” I pranced around in a silk robe.
“Good. I’m pulling into the cabin area. I can’t wait to see you.”
Five minutes later, I opened the door to him standing in front of me in sexy casual wear. He didn’t say a word while holding up a piece of paper showing the procedures towards getting the legal separation. I rushed him. Kissing, holding, and hugging him tightly.
Our next stop was to the bed and we made love. It was DeJa'Vu from Puerto Rico with him taking it slow, then releasing the animal within to explore deeper. Cheryl’s grief took the back seat yet again as I relished in the man I wanted. Afterward, we cuddled and I stared into his eyes. Kassandra was right, Darren lit an inferno within me. “Mr. Teddy Bear Eyes” was all mine.
Morals, what morals? Darren C. McCray was moving on with his life, and I was to be a part of it. The ramifications from our relationship were so worth it at the time. I couldn’t picture being without him.
“I’m glad you’re here with me. I missed this,” I stroked my lover’s face. He smiled, enjoying every touch I gave.
“I’ve missed you too baby.” The half-dimpled smile then turned into great concern. “Don’t ever leave me again. Okay? Don’t leave me.”
The look on his face broke my heart. That’s when I knew he was worried about me changing my mind. But I carried the weight of concern about him changing his mind the entire time. I didn’t want to end things in the first place, but being with him came with major hurdles. By taking the steps to end the marriage for us, showed that our relationship wasn’t a game in his eyes. Darren risked a lot for me. Leaving a loving wife and child to step into the unknown world of passion, wrapped in the name of Jennifer Steele. For the first time, I stepped into his shoes, understanding that it was just as hard for him as it was for me.
“What are you thinking about?” He sat up in bed, reaching for a glass of water on the nightstand.
“Us,” I replied, sitting up next to him, “Always about us.”
He leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips. I grabbed the back of his head pulling him closer, then on top of me. Darren moaned as I nibbled on his ear lobe. I felt him throbbing in between my legs while the words “Don’t leave me again” dance in my head.
There was no more “back and forth” with my feelings. The decision was concrete, I was going to be with Darren C. McCray at ANY cost. Time would heal things between him and his wife. I had to believe that to lead with my heart.
Darren stopped kissing to stare into my eyes. “Jennifer, I love you.”
Wait...what!?!? Did this man just tell me that he loved me?!! I thought. A smile took over my face as I bit my bottom lip.
“Darren, I don’t know how this will pan out. But, I’m willing to stick by you through it all. And I love you too.” I replied, with watering eyes.
A big dimpled smile towered over my face, as my reply made him speechless. It was official. No turning back.
The words I Love You were heard throughout the room during the night of steamy lovemaking. Cheryl’s pain wasn’t a mere thought in my mind. Her time was up, and it was my turn to be the one for him.
The next morning was spent in bed. Laughing, cuddling, and exchanging deep thoughts.
“Darren, how did we end up here?” I rolled over to face him. “One minute we’re strangers, then...this.”
“You think I have all the answers?” He chuckled. “I wonder that sometimes myself. But like I told you before, I wanted you the first day I saw you. It was like a force that clicked all of a sudden. A lightbulb went off saying, ‘That’s your woman, not Cheryl.’ I offered you a ride home to break the ice. Then, invited you to the art gallery to get to know you. It was innocent at first, thinking we could be good friends. At least I’d still have you in my life. But the more time we spent together, the more I wanted you to be mine. That night when we were in your kitchen and I cooked for you, sealed the deal for me.”
“Are you going to tell me what happened with the separation?” I asked, straightening the covers around me.
He closed his eyes for a beat, then opened them. “Puerto Rico had my mind gone. In a good way. I realized I’d been missing something. Honestly, I’d been thinking about that way before we met, Jenn. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t unhappy either. Just...existing and going through the motions of being a husband. So, after the trip, I took some time to think about what I wanted to do. To be honest, I did think about leaving you alone because we had gotten in too deep. After dropping you off, it sunk in that I was considering leaving my wife for another woman.”
“Leaving me!?!?!” I interrupted, snatching my head towards his direction. “After the things you said to me in San Juan, you contemplated ending things with me!?!?”
“Yes, Jenn. I felt that it was best to weigh out all the options. And it was only a thought. I couldn’t leave you alone, baby. Staying with Cheryl for the sake of our daughter, Dana, would only hurt her as she got older. My parents did that you know?”
“Wow,” I replied, softening my tone. “How did it affect you?”
“Caused me to have a weird view on marriage. Stepping into life-changing things for the wrong reasons.” He laughed to keep from getting angry. “Long story short, I decided to move forward with ending my marriage. Doing what we were doing, then going home to her wasn’t fair to either one of you.”
“Do you think you rushed into marrying Cheryl to break a cycle?” I intrigued, snuggling into his arm.
“Probably so,” he replied.
Wrinkles of confusion assembled on his forehead. As if he was trying to work out the “whys” of his ways right there in bed. “I don’t know. It’s like I was in a trance or something. Cheryl and I had a good relationship while we were dating. She’s a good wife; GREAT mother. But I just couldn’t be me while being with her. I fell into this routine of doing what I was supposed to do instead of doing what made me happy.”
I nodded, understanding that anyone can be pushed into making a life decision based on the thoughts of others.
Darren shook his head at himself, then continued. “I like exotic vacations, romantic evenings at home, and even lying in bed like this. That’s where I connect with my partner. She, on the other hand, is all about the image of a power couple. I’m successful in what I do, she’s successful in running her office, and we have the cutest daughter.” The dimples showed when he mentioned his daughter, I guess that was the only bright side of him getting married. “Business networking event this, and gala event that...”
He stopped himself before entering into an angry rant. I’m glad he did. It was beginning to be too much, and I almost regretted asking the question in the first place.
“Sorry, I’m getting off track,” he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “We went out to dinner, and I told her that I think we need to separate.”
“Wait, Darren!” I hopped up, looking at him in disgust, “You just sprung it on her like that?!?!”
“How else was I supposed to say it?” he asked, raising his forearm.
“With compassion,” I slightly nudged his torso. “Ugh...men!”
“Yes, it was insensitive. I can agree with that.” Darren slapped his arm down on his leg.
“What did she say?”
“Nothing. Cheryl didn’t ask one question at dinner. She said okay, sipped her wine, and resumed eating. I asked if she wanted to talk about it and she said later. Didn’t know that ‘later’ involved popping up at my job.”
My first thought to her reaction was, Oh, this woman is crazy. Never trust a silent woman after getting news like that. But I didn’t want to scare Darren. “Maybe she needed time to process it.”
“I guess so. After that day, I moved into a townhome I was renting out. The timing was perfect because the old tenants moved to another state, a month prior. Took some time off work to get my mind right and get settled.”
Without me noticing, a feeling of relief came over. That two-week vacation Michael mentioned was Darren taking steps to move on with his life. Not taking a family vacation as I’d presumed.
I slid back into the covers next to him. “How is Dana handling this?”
He shrugged, scratching his shoulder. “I don’t know. She’s young so it’s a tossup.”
Darren got out of bed and went to the window. “Let’s go for a walk, Jenn. I need some air.”
I watched him move his head slowly to peer out the window. Something pulled at Darren like there was more brewing in the household than he explained. I had to inquire to know just what I was preparing for.
“Are you okay?” I asked, sliding to the edge of the bed. “Is there anything else I need to know?”
He looked back with tears welled in his eyes. “I just don’t want my daughter to think I abandoned her.”
I rushed by his side to console him. His anxiety weakened his legs, causing him to stumble into the computer chair next to us. I pulled him into my embrace, rubbing his head as I stood over the strong man I admired and loved. Never would I imagine him being so vulnerable, but I was happy he felt comfortable enough to express those feelings to me.
I grabbed his face, raising it towards me. “She won’t Darren. You’re an amazing father.”
He only stayed two days at the cabin with me because of work and to have time with Dana. The remainder of my vacation was spent face-timing Darren anytime he was available, finishing schoolwork, and pampering myself. I came home refreshed and happy as ever. I also had a package from my lover greeting me at the door containing all of the gifts I gave to him.
~~~~~~~
A month and a half later, Darren and Cheryl’s legal separation was signed and official. It was time to begin our relationship as a legitimate couple. Although there were more steps to take in the divorce proceedings, I saw it as a brand-new start in me becoming an “honest woman”. I could finally share with my sister, Marie, about the man that changed my heart.
I popped in for a visit one day after work. It had been a while since I’d seen her and my nephew.
“What’s new?” I asked, barging through the front door.
“Hey, sis! This is a nice surprise!” she replied, carrying flowers to the dining room.
“Those are nice.” I pointed to the beautiful arrangement of dahlias, roses, and daisies. “Wanna tell me where they came from?”
“The florist shop.” Marie flashed a sneaky grin. “That’s all you need to know.”
“Well, I was coming over to spill a little bit about my personal life. But, since you’re being quiet...”
I knew my nosy sis couldn’t resist a chance to dive into my business. “Okay! Okay!” She interrupted. “I’ll get the wine. All I have is red. Beaux is with his grandparents.”
“That’s fine.” I set my backpack on the floor and got comfortable at the dining room table.
She strutted in with two full glasses of wine. “So, tell me what’s going on missy.”
“Oh no.” I nodded my head towards the bouquet, lighting up the room with its colors. “What’s with the flowers? And what has you being all secretive and stuff?”
Marie sighed and rolled her eyes. “Sean.”
I moved my eyes around the room, waiting for her to say more than a name. “Sean...”
“Yea, Sean gave me the flowers.” She grinned.
“Anything else you want to share with the class?”
“We met at the park. I took Beaux on a playdate with a few of his friends from school. Sean was one of the parents.” A big smile entered as she spoke. “Single father.”
“Nice! So how long have you been ‘dealing’ with Sean?” I inquired, giving air quotes.
“We haven’t done anything steamy yet. Just a few dates.”
“Yet...” I teased.
Marie slapped her hand on her face. “Oh my God, Jennifer! Enough! We are getting to know each other. Beaux likes him, and he’s very sweet. That’s all I’m going to share right now. Don’t want to jinx it.”
“Fine. I’ll let you off the hook. For now.”
“And you?” She pointed at me with interrogating eyes. “Who has your attention these days? Haven’t seen you in a long time, and your nephew misses you.”
“I know, I need to get back over here more often. But I’ve been in a situation and before you judge, hear me out.”
I gulped most of the wine to channel liquid courage so I could divulge into all things Darren.
“What did you do Jenn?” She demanded with a serious look.
“Nothing too crazy,” I braced myself, “His name is Darren. And we’ve been seeing each other...off and on. Now it’s back on for good. He had something to take care of first, now that’s out of the way so we can be together.”
Marie knew immediately what I was talking about, my sister knows me like the back of her hand. But she asked anyway.
“What is this thing he had to take care of?”
“Drink,” I commanded.
“Jenn...”
“Drink!”
She blew out a short breath and drank some wine. “Okay, spill it.”
“He is married...legally. But he’s separated from his wife,” I attempted to convince that things weren’t as bad as they seemed.
Marie shook her head in judgment. “Little sis, what in the hell have you gotten yourself into?”
“Love.” I smiled with wide eyes.
“Love? How can he love you when he’s married!?”
“Separated.”
“For now. Have you heard of something called reconciliation? Jenn, they may be going to counseling or something. How do you know this separation thing is even real?”
“He showed me the paperwork, Marie!” I stood up and walked to the corner of the room in aggravation. “It’s real. The feelings we have for each other are real.”
“This is a mess,” she mumbled.
“That’s why I never said anything. Just be happy for me.”
Marie got up from the table with sharp eyes coming towards me. “Happy for you? You want me to be happy for you? The same thing happened to me, remember?”
“I know the story, Marie. I lived through it just like you.” I dismissed, leaning towards the table to grab my wine.
“No, you didn’t! Beaux Sr. cheating on me was the most painful thing...”
“THE most painful thing!” I snapped back. “We lost our parents back to back, remember them?”
“You know what I meant.”
“Darren has shown me so many things. And vice versa. We’re great for each other. Yes, there’s a price to pay. But I know he’ll do right by me.”
“I hope so. Just be careful sis.” She walked back to her seat and sat down with her elbows on the table. “You remember when daddy used to take us to some country town called Cordele?”
“Yea,” I shrugged. “Where is this coming from?”
Her head and mind drifted off to memory lane. “I was 10 and you were almost 8. I didn’t know what the hell he was doing there or why we had to tag along. Remember Miss Yolanda?”
“The big lady who smelled like White Diamonds perfume?” I joined her at the table.
“Yep. That was daddy’s girlfriend. It wasn’t until his funeral when she showed up and people started talking, when I found out. Word on the street he loved her for years. Promised that he’d leave mama and move in with her. She waited until daddy’s dying day to fulfill that promise. See where I’m going here?”
My mouth dropped. First, I find out my dad had an affair for years, then Marie correlates our dad’s broken promise to Yolanda with my relationship with Darren. I always had a feeling about my dad, which is probably why I miss my mom more than him, but I still love him. He just doesn’t hold the same place in my heart as my mother.
“He’s not like that,” I defended. “You’ll see, things will work out and I’ll have Darren all to myself.”