| |
Robbie’s POV
I was a fucking idiot. The biggest idiot to ever walk the planet. Idiots like me should not be allowed to exist because we spread our idiocy everywhere and ruin lives. How could I kiss James like that out of the blue and without any warning?
The feelings had been building since our third tutoring session. Sometime tonight, I realized I no longer could deny the fact that I was forming a crush on James. It wasn’t like me to act so brashly and off the cuff. I honestly couldn’t say what came over me at that moment, but once it did, I couldn’t stop it.
When James pulled away, I saw the horrified look on his face and immediately felt guilty. I hadn’t even stopped to consider if he was gay, bi, or curious about other guys. Bet he thought I was some sort of freak or predator now.
It was a relief when he just hurried up and left the room without so much as saying goodbye. I didn’t want to say anything to him. Also, screw those future tutoring sessions... not that I had to worry about James coming back at all.
There was no way he was going to accept any more tutoring sessions with me, whether his grades were at risk or not. Why would he want to be alone in a room with me again?
I wanted to scream, cry, or something to unleash what I was feeling. How stupid it was for me to get caught up in the moment and try to kiss James.
We could’ve been friends had I not screwed it up by making a move on James. I didn’t have many friends except two or three people I became close to in college. The one friend who I was closest to was Sam.
It was thanks to the LGBTQ+ club at the college that I even met Sam. Even there, around people who would understand me, I tended to keep to myself. Sam saw how I was off in the corner, trying to make myself scarce, and refused to allow me to be.
She got past the defenses I put up. I was reluctant at first, but eventually, I began to accept her as a friend. For a brief moment I thought, I might be the same with James... until I realized I was growing a crush on him, of course.
I was so ashamed of myself. Part of me wanted to call Sam so I could get everything off my chest, but a part of me was ashamed to admit it to anyone.
What I ended up doing was just curling up in my bed. Eventually, I fell asleep after I exhausted myself with tears and replaying the event over and over again in my mind like some sort of bad movie.
Ms. Cho’s class wouldn’t be till Monday, so I had a weekend to prepare myself for going there and seeing James. This was assuming James even showed up. I needed to contact Ms. Cho at some point and get James another tutor. It wasn’t fair that he ended up losing his scholarship because I couldn’t push my urges to the side and focus on teaching him.
Sure, I was the top student in her class, but others were close to my level. I wasn’t trying to brag. It was just the truth.
When I didn’t go to the next club meeting, Sam got suspicious. Even though I texted and told her I wasn’t feeling well, she didn’t seem to buy it.
The rapid knocking at my door about a half hour after the club meeting ended was a dead giveaway that it was Sam. There was no one else it could be.
“Robbie, I brought you some ‘soup’ since you were sick,” she said through the door.
The sarcasm in her tone was more than obvious. I sighed and rolled out of bed before heading towards my door.
“I am sick,” I said as I opened the door, looking Sam dead in the eyes. “Hey, I thought you brought me soup. Where’s the soup?”
Sam rolled her eyes and pushed her way in. “You lied about being sick and I lied about bringing soup. Guess that makes us even, huh?”
I shrugged, plopping myself back down onto the bed. “Guess it does.”
Sam sat down next to me and frowned. “Robbie, what happened? I know you prefer to bottle things up and not talk about them, but it’s not good to do that. Eventually, it’s all going to come out at once like the cork off a champagne bottle.”
“Nice analogy,” I said with a weak smirk.
She grinned. “Thank you, but don’t think flattery is going to get you out of this situation. I know something is wrong.”
I groaned. Why couldn’t Sam just let it go? Letting her in had been a mistake. I guess I could keep denying it, but this would just get her more and more worked up.
“I kissed James.”
Sam blinked. “James as in the jock you were tutoring from Ms. Cho’s class?”
“Yep, that’s the one.”
“... based on your reaction, I’m guessing it didn’t go well. Did he hurt you or something?”
I bolted out of bed. “What? No! He didn’t do anything except run out of here like a deer caught in the headlights.”
“Well, I had to check. We both know how homophobic jock culture is...”
“Yeah, but believe it or not, James isn’t like that at all.”
Sam looked incredulous. “Are you for real? He’s a jock.”
“Sam, I’m telling you he isn’t. Wouldn’t I know better than you, someone who has never met him before?”
She sighed. “Fine, I’ll take your word for it. Look, give him a couple of days. Maybe after he gets over the shock of realizing gay people exist and can hit on you, he’ll contact you.”
“It’s more likely he is just going to talk with Ms. Cho and try to get another tutor. If he doesn’t then I will. How the fuck can I tutor him for several days a week with that embarrassing moment hanging over us?”
Sam shifted so she was laying down next to me on the bed. “Oi, move over. I want to comfort you, but I have to be comfortable during the process.”
I rolled my eyes but scooted over so Sam could get the comfort she so desperately wanted.
“Better?”
She smiled. “Much. So, do you want a hug, or do you want to just lay here and sulk?”
“I don’t feel much like hugging anyone right now,” I admitted. “Let’s just lay here and you can listen to me rant and rave about how stupid I was for making a move on a guy who is so obviously straight.”
“Rant and rave away,” Sam said, encouraging me to get everything off my chest.
I was fairly confident he was not going to seek me out for any more tutoring sessions. The horrified look on James’ face, as he fled the room, was all the evidence I even needed. He wasn’t going to come back, and chances were the only time we’d even see each other again was during Ms. Cho’s class.
Despite my thoughts on the situation, I still hoped James would contact me. I wanted to explain that I just wasn’t thinking clearly and did something beyond stupid. It was never my intent to make him uncomfortable, yet the damage was done because of my stupid feelings and hormones.
When I didn’t hear from James, I wondered if he had gotten a new tutor. Ms. Cho hadn’t contacted me, so I wasn’t sure what to think. Did that mean he still wanted me to be his tutor, or had he sought other means?
The day before our class I decided to stop by Ms. Cho’s classroom to talk with her. I knew her drop-in hours by heart now so when I knocked on the door, I wasn’t surprised she called me in.
“Robbie, to what do I owe the pleasure?” she asked, eyes as friendly as they ever were.
I smiled awkwardly. “Uh, I just had a quick question. Has James Velez asked for a new tutor at all?”
Confusion splashed across her face, and it hit me right then. James hadn’t asked for a new tutor yet. I couldn’t fathom why not. You’d think he’d be jumping at the chance to get someone else to teach him. I must have freaked him out so much he wasn’t able to think clearly.
“No, he hasn’t. Why? Is there an issue or something?”
I quickly shook my head. “No, there isn’t any issue. James just missed our last tutoring session because he said he was ill or something and I was wondering if he had reached out to you for some reason. Just want to make sure we’ll still be on for the tutoring.”
“Well, if I hear anything from James, I will let you know.”
I nodded. “Thank you, Ms. Cho.”
Just as I turned to leave, Ms. Cho called out to me.
“Robbie, are you doing all right with the tutoring sessions? If it is too much, then I can assign another tutor for James or even pick up some sessions myself, if necessary.”
“For the moment I’m fine but if I change my mind, I’ll let you know,” I assured her.
She studied me for longer than I would have liked. It was like Ms. Cho was dissecting me with her gaze. To say it was a little unnerving was an understatement.
“All right, well I’ll see you in class tomorrow. Make sure you’re bright and early.”
I laughed weakly. “Ms. Cho, when am I ever late?”
“True, but it never hurts to remind even my best students to be on time.”
I left after that, feeling more lost than ever.
Honestly, I didn’t know what the hell to do. I’d just give it a few days and wait for James to contact me—if he contacted me. I mean, I could only beat myself up for so long about my impulsive action that night in my dorm room.
There was guilt over what I had done and just annoyance at how foolish my actions were. It was amazing how one person could mull over something so much until they drove themselves close to insanity.
Sam kept checking in with me via text and even phone calls, which were my least favorite way to talk to someone. Yet, I was desperate and raw right now so for the time being I didn’t mind picking up that phone to talk to Sam whenever I needed a sympathetic ear.
The days after I attempted making a move on James dragged by. Every hour felt like a day and every minute felt like an hour. I was surprised that I was even able to focus on homework and studies at all. This was why you didn’t get involved with people. It led to nothing but heartache.
After a week, I was convinced that I wasn’t going to see James again. Come morning, I was going to talk with Ms. Cho and tell her that she was going to have to find a new tutor for James since this was not going to work.
Just when it turned nine PM, I decided to call it a night and head to bed. A soft knock at my door caught me off guard, but I figured it was a drunk student on my floor who had lost their way.
I walked over and opened the door to see an extremely nervous James standing before me. He was the last person I expected to see.
