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James’s POV
I hadn’t seen that kiss coming. It came out of nowhere and when soft, slightly chapped lips pressed against my own my mind instantly went blank. I couldn’t think of anything except the fact that Robbie was kissing me. Then it hit me that, oh fuck, Robbie was kissing me.
He broke the kiss before I could even think of reacting. The look on his face was one of horror, shame, guilt, and other emotions I really couldn’t recognize. All I knew was that it was a clusterfuck of emotions Robbie was experiencing.
“Uh, I’m flattered Robbie but I’m not into guys. I... I am not gay,” I blurted out.
He didn’t so much as glance at me and just ducked his head. I decided this was my cue to leave and quickly grabbed my things, not even bothering to say goodbye. It was pretty rude of me, but I had to get back to my dorm.
Never did I realize Robbie was gay. Not that it mattered! My sister was gay, and I’d had gay male friends before. Robbie might have assumed I was into guys or just decided to shoot his shot like dudes did with girls at, say, a bar. There wasn’t any harm in that.
I was just in shock, and I’d make things right with him tomorrow. The guy was a great tutor and beyond that, I could see us forming a friendship that I’d like to nurture to see where it might go.
This was my plan, at least. In the morning I grabbed my phone, intending to send Robbie a text and then I realized I kept thinking about that kiss more than I should. I wasn’t thinking of it in a neutral way like, oh that kiss happened. My mind was more focused on that, despite the kiss only lasting a few seconds and being very chaste, I liked it.
I nearly dropped my phone in shock. Wait, why was I thinking about how much I had enjoyed that kiss? That made no sense. I’d never been into guys before and never so much as thought of another guy in a sexual manner. All my past experiences and fantasies were with girls.
The kiss with Robbie wasn’t even anything spectacular. It was a typical, out-of-the-blue first kiss. Yet it remained on my mind.
The look on his face also kept replaying in my mind again and again. I can only imagine what Robbie thought. He thought I was angry or even disgusted by him, which wasn’t the case at all. His liking guys didn’t bother me at all. The same went with the kiss once the shock had worn off... well, this was assuming the kiss hadn’t been consistently on my mind since it happened.
At practice, I must have been off my A-game because one of my teammates pulled me aside and asked me straight up what was wrong.
“What do you mean?” I asked Bernie, a fellow linebacker on the team.
I was also a linebacker and Bernie was one of the ones who was always by my side. It made sense that out of all the members of the team, he was the one to seek me out and see if I was okay.
“You don’t seem very with it today. Did something happen?”
I tried to play it cool because I didn’t want Bernie to feel like something was wrong. If he did then I was going to have to explain the kiss and all the mixed feelings that were coming about because of that.
“I’m just worried about my scholarship. I told you about that situation, right?”
Bernie frowned. “Yeah, fucked up situation it is too. But things are working out with that new tutor of yours, right? I could’ve sworn you mentioned that he helped you get a decent grade on your last test.”
“Oh, yeah. The guy’s a great tutor and is helping me understand the material.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
I gave him a look. “Dude, I still have a lot of work to do to make sure I won’t lose my scholarship. Wouldn’t you be worried too if you were in my shoes?”
What I was doing was trying hard to get Bernie to think I was still freaking out about losing my scholarship. I mean, I was but that stress had been lifted after I realized I could work on improving my grade.
“Of course, but you seemed a lot less stressed with your situation after you got that passing grade on your last test,” Bernie muttered. “I don’t think you’ve had a test since so why would you suddenly be stressed with this again?”
Fuck. Was Bernie an amateur Sherlock Holmes or something?
“I’ll talk to you after practice, but you can’t tell a soul.”
Bernie nodded. “See you then.”
The only reason I was considering talking to Bernie is because he was openly gay. He was the only openly gay football player on the team and had gotten a lot of shit for it since he started. Some of our other teammates gave him a hard time, but the majority of us defended him and told them to back the fuck off. If they didn’t then we were going to report them to the coach for harassment.
No point in getting physical when they could get suspended from the team for violating the discrimination policy.
Bernie could give me some genuine advice on the situation or, at least, help me not spiral into some sudden life crisis that I never thought I would experience.
After practice, we met right outside the locker room.
“Ready?” Bernie asked.
I nodded. “Yeah, where to, though?”
“Coffee shop? It shouldn’t be that crowded right now so we’ll be able to talk amongst ourselves.”
I found a seat while Bernie got us some coffee. We’d gone there before so he remembered my order, which was pretty cool and convenient.
He set my order in front of me and sat in the empty chair directly across from the one I was sitting in.
“So, what’s going on?”
I swallowed. “Remember my tutor?”
“Yeah, the one you once described as a lifesaver?”
“Yep, that one.”
Bernie leaned forward. “Well, what about him James? Don’t leave me hanging. I can’t help if you don’t tell me what the fuck is going on.”
I squirmed in my seat. “He kissed me, and I can’t stop thinking about it. At first, I thought I was just surprised but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I think I might have liked it, which is not something I ever expected. I’ve never liked a guy before so you can see why the hell, I am freaking out right now.”
Bernie didn’t say anything right away. He was quiet and I wondered if I had made a mistake in coming clean about what was bothering me.
“Look, sometimes people don’t realize they might like the same sex until what is a eureka moment, while others, like me, know from a young age. I knew when I was eight, but not everyone is like that.”
I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. “So, what does this mean? Am I gay or bi? I’ve never even thought about another dude like this until now!”
“You could be, but you could also just happen to particularly like him,” Bernie explained gently. “That can happen too, you know.”
I groaned. “I don’t know, Bernie. My head is a jumbled, fucked up mess right now. It’s no wonder that I can’t focus on even football.”
“Have you thought about what you are going to do about it?”
Quickly, I shook my head. “I have no idea what I’m going to do.”
“What have you been doing about it then?” he asked, still digging for answers, not that I minded. Bernie was just trying to help me.
“I’ve been avoiding him and haven’t contacted him at all,” I admitted.
When I said it out loud, I realized how dumb it sounded. Also, it was mean on my part. I can only imagine how Robbie was feeling.
“My advice is you should go talk with him and see where this leads,” he advised. “You can take it or leave it, of course, but you might get some sense of relief if you two finally talk.”
The advice was straight to the point, but it was sound advice. “Thanks, Bernie. I’m not sure what I’m going to do but I will consider it.”
He smiled. “No problem and before you mention anything, don’t worry. What you said tonight is going to stay between the two of us.”
I let out a huge sigh of relief. “Dude, you don’t know how good that is to hear. I appreciate you coming out here to listen to me ramble on. Did any of it even make sense?”
“Some of it,” Bernie teased. “Even the bit that didn’t make sense wasn’t that confusing. I just had to think about it for a moment so I could decode it.”
When I got a little upset, I tended to ramble. It was just the type of person I was.
“Well, I’ll see you at practice,” I said as I stood up.
I was deep in thought while on the way back to my dorm. Before my conversation with Bernie, I had a lot to think about and now that we had talked, I had even more things on my mind.
He was right on one thing. If I wanted to find some sort of solution to this or figure out what was going on, then I had to go and speak with Robbie. Ignoring him wasn’t helping him or me in any way.
The thing was, working up the nerve to contact Robbie was easier said than done. I kept bringing up his number but every time I tried to call or text him, I chickened out. It truly was pathetic.
Ms. Cho had talked with me, asking if there was any issue with our tutoring sessions. I was surprised to learn Robbie had inquired whether or not I should seek out a new tutor. Even stranger, he still wanted to tutor me.
This made me feel like an even bigger ass! Here Robbie was still out there thinking and worrying about me while I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself.
A week after the kiss, I decided enough was enough. I left my dorm with nothing more than the clothes on my back, my phone, and my keys. I headed to Robbie’s dorm and got past the front door. His dorm was on the second floor, so it wasn’t that much of a climb.
Soon enough, I was standing in front of his door. Then I felt myself chickening out again.
“No, no. I am not going to do that,” I hissed.
I forced myself to knock on his door, though the knock was quieter than I would have liked. When I heard footsteps quietly padding towards me, I knew he had heard it despite how quiet it was.
Robbie opened the door and the shock on his face was obvious. I didn’t blame him. Here I ghosted the guy for a week and suddenly showed up on his doorstep after a week of no contact. It was as close to emotional whiplash as you could get.
“Hey,” I said weakly. “Can I come in?”
I was fully prepared for him to tell me to go away and leave him alone. Instead, he moved out of the way and motioned for me to come in.
That’s exactly what I did.
