| |
Robbie’s POV
“I need to tell you something,” he blurted out suddenly, catching me off guard.
I blinked. “What do you mean you have something to tell me?”
“I mean it exactly as it sounds...”
“Okay... then just spit it out. I hate waiting. It makes me nervous.”
I had no idea what he wanted to say to me, but I just wanted him to get it out of his system and say it. It was like a weight laying over us and I didn’t like it.
“I like you,” he told me, causing my heart to start pounding wildly in my chest. “No, that’s not what I wanted to say. I want to say that I love you... and I know it might seem like this is coming out of nowhere, but I’ve felt this way for a while. It just took a talk with a friend to help me realize how stupid I was being.”
I could see him staring at me, wanting me to say something. Anything. However, every time I opened my mouth to say something nothing came out. The words were caught in my throat, refusing to come out.
Did he just say he loved me? Not even like, but love? This couldn’t be real. How was this real?
I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but a genuine expression. No, no, no. I was in love with him. He wasn’t supposed to be in love with me back.
James had to be confused. It was the only explanation. He had no idea what he wanted and was just caught up in the moment.
The more I told myself this, the less I believed it.
“Robbie, say something. Anything,” he pleaded, needing to hear me talk.
He sounded so desperate as he said this to me. Hearing the desperation in James’ voice broke my heart. I... I think he was being genuine. He did love me... but I couldn’t let him know I returned his feelings. Being with me was going to do nothing but bring him down.
Besides, what if he woke up one day and realized being with a guy wasn’t what he wanted?
I couldn’t take that chance... and in the long run, James would realize I was doing the best thing for him and me.
I opened my mouth again, trying to speak but the damned words still refused to come out. It was very frustrating.
“You can tell me, anything. Please.”
I quickly lowered my eyes. Looking into his eyes was painful because the rawness there was almost unreal. He was laying his soul bare and here I was crushing it.
He gently reached down and tried to turn my head towards him. The action startled me, but I allowed him to do it.
“Robbie, what is going on in that head of yours?” he asked softly.
It was this phrase that helped me snap out of my daze. That was it. I had to tell him what was going on in my head. Well, not exactly what was going on in my head. If I did that, it would make him realize that I was in love with him as well.
“I think we should end this.”
I think the second I said that I broke James’ heart. It was like I was seeing it happen in real-time.
“What?” he whispered, sounding so hurt and so very confused.
All I had to do was tell James that I didn’t mean it. I could tell him I was an idiot and was in love with him, but I was scared to explore that for fear of getting hurt.
“We need to end this,” I said more firmly.
Once again, I could see James’ heart breaking. I had to force myself to remain calm and stay stoic. This had never been a problem for me before, yet now it was proving to be the most difficult thing I had ever experienced.
James kept opening and closing his mouth, looking similar to a fish on the surface gasping for air. It was a sight I didn’t want to be privy to, but considering I was the one making him feel this way, I just had to suck it up. This was my own doing.
He might be hurt now but give it some time and he’d be as good as new. I wanted so badly to believe this, but there was this nagging thought in the back of my head telling me what I was doing was incredibly stupid.
I quickly squashed that thought because it was entirely unhelpful right now.
“I don’t understand...” James whispered.
“I think we’ve dragged this out longer than it needed to. It was fun while it lasted, but now we have to go back to the way things were.”
James blinked. “You want to just go back to tutoring me? Just like that?”
I winced. “Yeah, probably not. I’ll get Ms. Cho to find someone else. You’ve improved so much that you won’t need much more tutoring as long as you keep your studies up.”
Doing this in the middle of a school year was probably not going to help matters. If anything, it might make his studies falter and take a huge beating, but I hoped he wouldn’t let it come to that.
“Nothing will change your mind, will it?” James asked, his voice small.
I shook my head slowly.
“No.”
That was all there was before James got out of bed and threw on his clothes. He walked towards the door, casting a sad glance over his shoulder.
“Bye, Robbie.”
Then the room was empty, and I was alone again.
The tears didn’t come right away, but they did come. I was a mess come morning with bloodshot eyes, tear stains on my cheeks, and a sore and scratchy throat.
Fuck. I had class today. The last place I wanted to go was class, so I did something that I rarely did, I skipped it.
Well, I didn’t technically skip it. I sent a message to my teacher via email and explained that I wasn’t feeling well. This wasn’t something I usually did so she respected the reason and told me to get better.
Sam put two and two together when I didn’t text her back. She showed up at my dorm, knocking on the door incessantly until I finally gave in and opened it.
“Holy shit you look like... well shit.”
I sighed and slunk back to my bed. “Good. At least I look the way I feel inside.”
“What happened?” Sam asked gently, sitting down beside me on the bed. “Did you tell him how you feel and he... rejected you?”
The moment I heard Sam say those words I burst out laughing. It wasn’t the type of laugh you made when you found enjoyment in something. My laugh was full of bitterness.
“No, the exact opposite happened. He told me he was in love with me and then I rejected him.”
Sam blinked once, twice, and then again. She kept blinking as if something had been short-circuited inside of her.
“He said he loved you... and you rejected him?”
I laughed bitterly again. “Yeah, because he’s just going to snap out of whatever spell he’s in eventually and leave me. You said it yourself, there is nothing but pain when getting involved with straight people.”
Sam looked like she didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t something I was used to when dealing with Sam because she always knew what to say. If she didn’t then there was something seriously wrong.
“Are you sure?” Sam asked me.
“What do you mean, am I sure?”
She swallowed. “Look, I said what I said before because I was worried about you and still believe that getting romantically or sexually involved with the straights never ends well... but James confessed to you first. I never expected that to happen.”
I scoffed. “It’s probably just a passing thing.”
“And if it is? He still returns your feelings!”
Okay, now I was confused and a little bit angry. Here was Sam trying to tell me off for rejecting him but just a few days ago she had been telling me to end things!
“Sam, just fucking drop it. I did what you advised.”
“Yes, and I think I was wrong!” Sam blurted out. “I never imagined that he was going to confess to you first. Even if he’s confused or whatever, he still went through the trouble of telling you everything. That has to mean something.”
I shook my head, unable to form the words to argue because I was so tired of all of this.
Sam took my hand and squeezed it. “Robbie, this is all my fault. I never should’ve encouraged you to back off.”
“It’s not your fault, Sam. I’ve had these thoughts since I started whatever was going on between me and James,” I admitted. “Never did I think he’d return my feelings, but it doesn’t matter because I can’t get into a relationship with him. It will just end in disaster.”
“Robbie...”
“Sam, I’ve made up my mind so just sit here and give me comfort or leave,” I snapped, trying to stop myself from breaking down into tears.
She nodded, choosing to just wrap an arm around my shoulders. I was glad she didn’t try to pursue it further because what I needed right now was just a friend and not a lecture.
I was probably being stupid. How could I just put my heart on the line and risk it all for a guy? I couldn’t bring myself to take that chance because I was afraid. This was what it mostly was. My fear was pushing me to make this decision and I was now suffering from the consequences of it.
Sam ended up staying the night with me. I didn’t even have to ask. She just told me it was what she was going to do and made herself comfortable on the floor.
“I’m not sleeping on your sex bed,” Sam stated, wrinkling her nose in disgust.
I sighed. “You know I wash the sheets every time, right? Also, I have more than one set of sheets. These aren’t the same sheets we last did it on.”
Sam eyed me warily. “I don’t care. Everything the two of you have done is imprinted onto that bed so if you don’t mind, I’ll sleep on the floor.”
This made me laugh, even if I wasn’t sure if Sam was being completely serious or not. It was sometimes difficult to tell based on how serious her tone could get.
“Well, if you decide to change your mind then feel free to climb into my bed. I don’t mind.”
I ended up falling asleep and when I woke up halfway through the night, I realized there was a weight pressed against my back. I glanced over my shoulder to see Sam lying beside me, snoring softly.
My bed might have been sullied, but apparently, Sam would rather lay on the semi-comfortable mattress rather than the floor, which was not as comfortable. It might be covered by a nice, thick carpet but it could never replace a mattress.
I tried to get back to my normal routine the next day because staying in this state was just not going to do. For me, school was the most important thing, so I had to focus on it. I might be experiencing a lot of heartache, but I couldn’t let it bring me down.
Still, my conversation with Sam continued to weigh heavily on my mind. What if she was right? Should I... give it a chance?
I shook my head and shoved those thoughts out of my mind as quickly as they appeared. No, what the hell was I thinking?
Somehow, I had to push forward. I just wished I knew how the hell to do it.
