LUKE PUSHED ONE OF Father’s handkerchiefs into my hand. ‘Mop up, chicken. Crying isn’t going to help.’

His words stung. I straightened up, cut to my heart that he didn’t understand. ‘Nothing’s going to help! And don’t tell me to pray to the Lord. I prayed and prayed for Rebecca and now she’s dead to us and —’

Zillah flung her arms around my waist and hugged me tight while Luke took back the handkerchief and scrubbed my face with it. ‘Hush, Magdalene, you’re upsetting Zillah.’

I obeyed and even managed a wobbly smile. ‘I’m okay.’

Abraham swung around from the window. ‘Look, I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. But I promise I won’t disappear without telling you. All right?’

We heard the challenge in his voice — like it had better be all right because it was all he could promise. Luke and I nodded, but Zillah said, ‘Don’t go, Abraham. I don’t want you to go, and Magdalene doesn’t and Luke doesn’t.’

None of us said Father and Mother wouldn’t like it. I thought about that — and about how, when Zillah recited the names of who she loved, it was always Abraham, Luke, me and Hope. Sometimes Rachel, but not very often. I’d never once heard her say she loved our parents.

‘I’m going for a walk,’ Abraham said.

‘Me too!’ Zillah ran at him to catch his hand.

Luke stood up. ‘Let’s all go. I don’t want to be here when the parents get home.’

Abraham gave a snort of exasperation. ‘Bloody kids! I’m warning you — any moaning and I’ll throw you in the sea.’

He bundled us into the car. We’d need towels if we were going to the beach. There was no time and, truly, I didn’t care. He drove the car hard, swinging us around the corners. None of us spoke.

‘Out you get,’ he said when he pulled up. ‘I’m going for a run. You lot can do what you like.’

Zillah grabbed his hand. ‘I want to run too. Wait for me, Abraham. Don’t go without me.’

I shut my eyes, praying he wouldn’t yell at her, praying he wouldn’t just run and run and never come back, then I heard her laugh. I opened my eyes in time to see him swing her on to his back and take off.

Luke pulled me along. ‘Let’s run too, Magdalene.’

I let him tow me as far as the sand. ‘You go, Luke. I don’t want to run.’ I gave him a push.

He didn’t need persuading, and tore off down the long beach after the others. I watched them growing smaller in the distance, then I walked until I was by myself, away from other people. There weren’t many around. It was December, but the day was cold with a sharp wind cutting the air.

I sat on the sand, watching the flat, grey sea.

‘Magdalene!’ Abraham’s voice made me jump. ‘Great heavens, girl! What are you doing?’

I looked down at my hands. They were dark with sand. I seemed to be sitting in a hole. I must have dug it, but I couldn’t remember doing so.

The boys took my arms and hauled me out. ‘You’re wet through,’ Luke said. ‘You’ve dug down to the water — with your bare hands.’

Had I? Why couldn’t I remember?

Zillah grabbed hold of my hands. ‘They’re bleeding! Magdalene, your hands are bleeding.’

I couldn’t feel them.

For the second time that day, Abraham picked me up. I heard him and Luke talking. Doctor … shock.

Zillah said, ‘We have to ask Father. He’ll make her learn psalms if we don’t ask him first.’

Why was she crying?

‘I’m all right. I don’t need to go to the doctor. Put me down, Abraham. I can walk.’

‘Shut up,’ my brother said.

Luke opened the car door and buckled my seat belt for me.

‘I can do it. I’m fine.’

He took no notice. Zillah slid across to the middle seat so she could sit close to me. ‘You’re shivering and you’re all wet.’

Abraham made the engine roar, jerking the car as we moved off. I shut my eyes, glad of Zillah’s warmth as she snuggled close.

After a bit the car stopped. ‘Don’t we have to have an appointment?’ Luke asked.

Abraham just said, ‘Hold the door while I lift her out.’

‘Leave me alone. I’m not going to the doctor.’

‘Shut up, Magdalene. Put your arm round my neck. Zillah, stay with Luke.’ He marched off, carrying me.

I can walk. Put me down.

Doors swished open, and we were inside a big room full of staring people. Abraham strode up to the desk. ‘Can somebody see my sister right away? She’s in shock and she’s shredded her hands.’

Next, I was lying on a bed in a room not much bigger than the discipline room. Abraham was frowning. Luke and Zillah were there too, even though Abraham was telling them to leave.

A nurse came in. She shooed the others out, helped me out of my wet skirt and wrapped a blanket around me. ‘Let’s see those hands, my love.’ very carefully, she uncurled my fingers.

I stared at them. ‘I don’t know what happened. Why are they bleeding?’

‘Never mind that now. Let me get all this sand off. Be brave, honey. It’s probably going to hurt a bit.’ She talked in a sing-song voice as she poured water over my hands to wash away the sand and blood. It didn’t hurt much, although she kept telling me I was being brave. How did she think I’d behave? Seemly and modest. Didn’t she know girls had to be seemly and modest?

‘There we are, sweetheart. The doctor will have a look at you and then we’ll pop some bandages on.’

‘Please, I don’t want bandages. I can’t help Mother with bandages on.’

A man came in before she could answer. His name tag said Dr Alex Masters. ‘Hi there, Magdalene.’ He perched beside me on the bed and took my hands, turning them gently to look at my palms. His wedding ring felt smooth against my fingers. I wondered if he made his children learn psalms when they transgressed. He had a kind face even though he was frowning. ‘Hmm,’ he said, ‘you sure made a mess of your paws, little lady. You were at the beach?’

I nodded. ‘We went with Abraham.’

He moved to a chair and the nurse started to dress my hand and wrap it in a bandage. I tried to pull my hand away. ‘I can’t help Mother with bandages on.’

Doctor Alex said, ‘They’ll get better quicker this way, Magdalene. Tell me about the beach. Do you like it there?’

We weren’t supposed to talk to worldly people. But Elder Stephen said it was a sin to be sick. Did that mean it was all right to talk to a doctor? It was all too hard. ‘Yes. The beach is nice.’

He asked more questions. They were difficult because I couldn’t remember digging the hole, but my hands were stinging now and I’d seen the blood so I must have done it. It was frightening not to remember.

‘It’s all right, Magdalene. Don’t fret about it. I’ve had a chat to Abraham. Is he your favourite brother?’

‘Him and Luke and …’ I couldn’t say Daniel’s name. ‘Both of them.’

‘Does anyone at home ever hurt you?’

I didn’t want to cry, but tears dripped down my face. ‘Yes.’

He picked up my hand and cradled it in his — the one with the wedding ring. ‘Show me where. See this doll? You point to where you get hurt.’

I couldn’t look at the doll. It had no clothes on. Instead, I put my hand on my own chest. ‘Here.’

‘They hurt your chest?’

I shook my head. ‘My heart. Father hurts my heart. He growls at Zillah and prays to the Lord to make her into a seemly and obedient child. But she’s not sinful — she’s not. And Abraham wants to learn about electronics for tractors but the Rule says it’s worldly education and Father won’t let him. I pray to the Lord but …’ I stopped. It was a wicked transgression to talk about the Children of the Faith to worldly people.

The doctor said nothing for a while, but I saw him exchange looks with the nurse. She asked the next question. ‘Does your Father smack you when you’re naughty?’

Why would she think that? ‘No! Of course not. He sends us to the discipline room for the day. We have to learn a psalm.’ I didn’t tell them about the bread and water.

‘Do you want to do things he won’t let you, Magdalene?’ Doctor Alex asked.

‘Yes, but I can’t. It’s against the Rule.’

He said, in his friendly voice, ‘Tell us one thing you’d like to do.’

So many things. ‘I’d like to worship the Lord with a joyful heart.’

He said nothing, so I shut my eyes. Perhaps they’d all go away and I’d be at home helping Mother when I woke up.

A hand stroked my forehead and Doctor Alex said, ‘Can you remember why you got upset today, Magdalene?’

That was easy. ‘I thought he would die.’

‘Who, honey?’

I looked at the nurse. ‘Abraham. Elder Stephen didn’t read his name out today and Abraham was angry. He was already angry because the Rule won’t let him learn about electronics.’ I took a breath. ‘He said it was too much and I thought he was going to go away and he’d be dead to us.’ I stopped, but the doctor said, ‘Go on.’

I sighed. ‘They all go away and then they’re dead. I don’t want Abraham to go away. I don’t want him to be dead to us.’

The nurse said, ‘Who else went away and died, Magdalene?’

‘Miriam did. Daniel and Rebecca. And Esther. They all ran away and now they’re all dead to us.’ I would be damned for ever for speaking of them, and for speaking of them to worldly people. Father would pray for me, but it wouldn’t be any use. The Lord didn’t hear my prayers and He didn’t hear Father’s either.

The phone on the desk rang softly into the silence.

‘Damn,’ Doctor Alex said. ‘Hang on a second, Magdalene.’ He listened then said, ‘Show him in.’

It was Father, come to take me home.

He came in quietly and stood for a moment, looking at me.

‘I am sorry, Father.’

‘It has been a sorry day, daughter. Get dressed now. I will take you home.’ He set a folded skirt down on the bed and turned away.

The nurse twitched the curtain across the bed, then helped me into the skirt. Abraham must have gone home for it.

On the other side of the curtain, I heard Father ask, ‘Is my daughter ill?’

The doctor seemed to be picking his words carefully when he answered. ‘Not exactly. I believe she’s had a severe reaction to accumulated worry and stress. I gather she grieves for lost siblings?’

Instead of answering the question, Father just said, ‘Continue, if you please.’

There was a pause, then I heard the doctor say, ‘It is difficult to assess her without the information you clearly don’t intend to give me. However, you might like to think about the fact that your daughter doesn’t remember digging herself into a hole and building a wall around it.’