MOTHER STAYED IN BED. Zillah and I did the chores and cooked dinner. We recited the psalm as we worked.
At prayers that evening, Father began by praying to the Lord for the health of His beloved servant, Naomi. Then he prayed for us to be good, obedient daughters who would not grieve the Lord with any further transgressions.
‘Praise the Lord,’ we said.
After the prayers, we had to recite the psalm. If he had heard us reciting it as we worked, he didn’t tell us.
‘My daughters, I have prayed about your transgressions and it has come to me that you must stay home from school tomorrow and Wednesday to reflect on your sin.’
‘Yes, Father.’ Did he know that staying home wouldn’t be a punishment?
‘Also, on Wednesday you will not accompany your mother to the Circle of Fellowship meeting.’
‘Yes, Father.’ That too was a gift, not a punishment.
We hurried from the room in case he remembered to set psalms for us to learn the next day and the day after.
Zillah climbed on to my bed. ‘I’m frightened, Magdalene. Just a little bit.’
‘I know. Me too. I think Father —’
‘It’s the Faith, isn’t it?’ she asked. ‘He doesn’t know if it’s really, truly what the Lord wants.’
‘Yes. I think so. He’d have let Elder Hosea yell at us and punish us if he was sure the Elders were right.’
‘I’m sorry Father’s worried,’ my sister said. ‘But I’m not sorry either. Is that wicked, Magdalene?’
‘The Elders would think so.’ It would mean hell and damnation for sure. ‘I don’t believe the Elders. Not now. Not since Rebecca ran away.’
A memory surfaced in my mind. ‘I reckon it was Elder Hosea’s fault she ran away. She was going to marry Elder Stephen — she wasn’t happy about it, but she was going to do it. Then Elder Hosea came on her wedding day and he wouldn’t let Father drive her to the temple. He said Elder Stephen wanted him to drive her there. We were all at the temple, waiting for her to arrive, but suddenly all the Elders got up and ran out. We didn’t know what was happening.’
Zillah turned that over in her mind. ‘But she might have run anyway.’
I shook my head. ‘When we got home we found a note on the table.’ I knew it by heart — we’d all read it so many times. I recited it for her.
‘Dearest Mother,
‘Elder Hosea says Elder Stephen wishes me to wear my ordinary black shoes. I am sorry not to be able to honour you by wearing the ones you saved from your own wedding. Elder Hosea asked to see my petticoat but I refused to be so immodest.
‘Your loving daughter, Rebecca.’
Zillah said, ‘I reckon he screwed up his face too — you know, like he was smelling something bad.’
I screwed up my own face. ‘He’s a horrible man, but he’s dangerous. We’ll need to be careful, Zillah.’
‘I wish Luke was here,’ she said.
Mother stayed in bed all Tuesday as well. On Wednesday she stayed in her room and she didn’t speak to either of us. She ate the food I took her.
A postcard came in the mail from Luke. If she had seen it, she wouldn’t have let us read it. She’d have set it aside for Father to read, then he would have decided if we needed to see it.
‘It’s a picture of lions,’ Zillah said, waving it as she ran in from the letterbox. ‘Are there lions in Auckland, Magdalene?’
‘There might be some in the zoo.’
We sat at the table to read our brother’s writing together.
Dear family,
Talitha and I have been buying things for their flat. She says to thank you for letting me come and help her. Auckland is very big. We are learning to use the buses. Abraham says to tell you he is learning much useful information.
Your loving son, Luke.
Zillah turned the card over to look again at the lions. ‘I wish he could tell us true things. I want to know about the library.’
And we both wanted to be sure he would come back, but neither of us said the words. The Lord had been merciful to us this week — it might be a sin to ask for more.
When Father came home at midday, he finished eating before he read Luke’s message. ‘Have you read what your brother has written, my daughters?’
It was a sin to have done so. We should have waited for his permission. I bowed my head. ‘Yes, Father.’
I didn’t ask for his forgiveness. I wasn’t sorry.
‘Thank you for your honesty, Magdalene.’
I waited for a punishment, but there was nothing, not even harsh words. Zillah was right — it was frightening to have our father so uncertain of the Rule. I’d almost rather he punished me.
He drove Mother to the Circle of Fellowship. She didn’t even look at us. Zillah and I stared after them, watching until we could no longer see the car.
‘What’s going to happen?’ she asked. ‘Will we have to go to worship on Sunday? I don’t want to, Magdalene. I really don’t.’
I had no comfort for her. Yes, we’d have to go and, yes, it would be terrible.
The next day Father said that going to the Circle of Fellowship had tired Mother but we must carry on as normal and go to school. It was hard to pretend that everything was normal when even Sharon chose a seat on the bus as far from my sister as she could.
At break, my friends hustled me away from Sister Leah’s accusing eyes.
‘We hear you’ve been sinful!’ Carmel said. ‘Running! Tut-tut, Magdalene! And without a scarf to cover your wicked head. Shocking!’
I flopped down on the grass. ‘Did you get prayed for because of me?’
‘Thirty minutes. Father excelled himself.’
Jemimah wouldn’t look at us. She picked daisies and started making them into a chain.
‘What?’ I asked. ‘Tell me, Jemimah. Please!’
She hesitated, then dropped the daisies. ‘Magdalene, Father says you and Zillah went to a worldly school on Monday. Is it true?’
I closed my eyes. How did he find out? ‘Yes, it’s true.’ Lord, help me.
‘What was it like? Was it really evil? Did you learn wicked things?’
I breathed out, dizzy with relief. She wasn’t going to shun me for breaking the Rule, for having a sister who had smashed it to fragments. Carmel too looked like she wanted to know. I told them the truth of what had happened on Monday. I told them what Zillah had learned in the few hours she was there.
I also told them about Elder Hosea coming to our house and yelling about how I’d behaved immodestly by running, and how I’d compounded my sin by not wearing a headscarf. ‘At least he doesn’t know she went to the school.’
Jemimah winced. ‘Actually, he does. Apparently the school rang Sharon’s father.’
So when I went to his house looking for Zillah he would have realised who the child calling herself by his daughter’s name really was. I tried to remember Elder Hosea’s exact words when he’d accused us. Something about Sister Leah and Sister Judith. He must have rushed to judgement before he knew the full evil of what we’d done. There would be no mercy for us now.
Carmel said, ‘Lighten up, Magdalene. Your father hasn’t asked the Elders to punish you, has he? No? Well, there you are — no reason to look so terrified.’
Jemimah stood up. ‘We’d best not be late. Sister Leah will rant for the rest of the day if you transgress by even a second, Magdalene.’
I attracted trouble and it spread to those around me. Pollution, contamination, the iniquity of worldliness. What if the Elders were right? What if the Rule was right? Damnation and the fires of hell for ever.