“Did you tell Cavanaugh about the gun?” William asked as they went for a walk before dinner.
“Paul didn’t say he had a gun, just that he might need one.”
“This isn’t the kind of thing you split hairs about, Josh.”
They kept walking in a loose circle around the camp, staying within earshot of Clark’s call to dinner. They moved at a leisurely, almost plodding place. Occasionally Josh reached up and plucked a leaf from a tree, stripping the greenery with his fingernails until all that was left was a bare stem.
“I don’t want an ‘armed and dangerous’ going out if it’s not true.”
“And if it is? You won’t be able to live with yourself if Paul blows some unaware cop—or civilian—away.”
After one more lap around the camp, and without a word to William, Josh broke off and headed back to the L. He made two calls, the first to an oceanographer friend, then to Cavanaugh. He told Cavanaugh that, based on what Paul had told him and surf reports from the past forty-eight hours, he should focus his search on Southern California, specifically, the beaches south of San Clemente. Also, there was a possibility that Paul was armed.
After dinner the next night, William told Alexis he was sick of Josh hogging all her time, to get her coat, he was taking her down to The Gimp’s for a drink. Just the two of them—the rest of Moetown had to stay behind. Before Alexis could answer, Donna asked her to join her in the kitchen for a minute. When she returned, she told William to give her thirty minutes to shower and change.
She joined Josh on the couch. “This feels strange.”
“You’ll hurt Will’s feelings if you don’t go. And The Gimp’s been wanting to say hello. I’ll be here when you get back.”
“What if he’s out there? William’s no fighter.”
“Paul’s in San Diego.” He put a hand over hers. “I’ll tell you about it when you get back.”
After William and Alexis drove off, Josh looked over at Donna. “What’d you say to make her change her mind?”
“That she could use a change of scenery. And that she needed to give you a break.”
They returned shortly after eleven. William walked Alexis to her cabin, then came over to Josh’s. He entered without knocking. “You’re up.”
“How’d it go?”
“About what you’d expect. Everyone made a point of dropping by the table for a moment to say hi. The men were a little more awkward than normal and the women a bit too sympathetic, but it was good for Alexis to interact with them, to see that, on this front at least, how little had changed. Anyway, we’re back.”
Josh changed into his t-shirt and sweats and headed over. Hearing the shower as he approached, he let himself in and settled into his chair. She came out a few minutes later in her bathrobe and pajamas, toweling her hair vigorously. “Had to get the smoke out of my hair.” She sat down on the bed and kept toweling. “So tell me about Paul.”
“He called down to The Gimp’s this afternoon.”
“What did he want?”
“To know where he stood. And to see how you were doing.” He held up a hand. “I know.”
She lay the towel aside. “Did he say why he did it?”
He nodded. “Because you said no, just like everyone else in his world these days.”
“Poor thing. Saying no wasn’t my mistake. Saying no without my icepick was my mistake.” She looked at him closely. “Did you tell Cavanaugh about this?” When he nodded, her voice softened. “Good. I know that wasn’t easy, but there are too many people out there—women, especially—who can still say no to him.”
They say together in a comfortable silence. Finally, Josh sighed and straightened his back. “It’s such a helpless feeling, just sitting up here waiting for the phone to ring, waiting to hear if I’ve still got a brother.”
“You’re not just sitting up here, Josh. You’re helping undo the damage Paul did. That’s something. At least to me.”
Josh pulled his knees up. “Is that why you chose me instead of Donna or William? So that I could atone for my brother?”
“I’m not that conniving. Or that selfless. I did it for me. Because, when I thought about what was ahead for me, it seemed that you had the most to teach me. Speaking of which, I need to ask you for a couple of things. I’ve been thinking about them ever since the rape, but they became even more apparent to me tonight as I sat in The Gimp’s.”
“Okay. What do you want to know?”
“First, I want to know how to defend myself. Really defend myself. Not with an icepick, but with real weapons. And hand-to-hand. Whatever it takes.”
Josh thought for a long moment. “I’ll teach you everything I know, but the most important thing for you to understand before we begin is that it’s not so much about your weapons or your skills. It’s about your state of mind.”
“Give me an example.”
“Okay. You used a phrase just now: ‘whatever it takes.’” He paused. “Sometimes ‘whatever it takes’ means submitting. Other times it means doing things that right now, in this cabin, you couldn’t imagine doing.” He looked at her closely. “Are you following me?”
“I think so, but go on.”
He held up a closed fist. “There are two stats you need to know before we go any further.” He raised a finger. “If you’re assaulted, your changes of escaping unhurt are greatest if you resist immediately and forcefully.” As she started to nod, he raised the second finger. “But if you do resist and you don’t escape, your chances of being both raped and seriously injured—killed, even—are much higher than if you’d submitted from the start.”
“So what are you telling me?”
“That submission is always an option, remember that, if, in your estimation, it’s your best chance at survival. But also, if you’re going to resist, you’re going to need a new mindset, one you might not be completely comfortable with.” He looked at her, hard.
She nodded and pulled her robe more tightly around her. “Tell me what you’ve got in mind and I’ll tell you if I’m up to it.”
“Okay,” Josh said. “Over the next week or two I’ll teach you a number of self-defense techniques. Some will involve a gun, but others will involve eyes, testicles, ears and nerves. They’re not pretty but they’re effective. But you’ve got to be willing to use them. Immediately and viciously.”
“After what I’ve been through, why would you think I wasn’t capable of that?”
“Because for many people, when it comes down to it, they hesitate. Or they freeze. They’re too…humane to do what it takes.”
“I don’t think that will be a problem.”
Josh nodded. “Maybe. Do you see yourself carrying a gun going forward?” She nodded. “A pistol?” Another nod. “And you’re prepared to go down with me to the shooting range and learn about things like ballistics and safeties? And to practice until you’re both comfortable with a gun and accurate with it?” When she nodded, he nodded back. “Good. Then you’re halfway to being able to defend yourself.”
“Half?”
“Let’s say you’re being threatened and you have access to your pistol. And all of a sudden, despite all the training and target-shooting, you realize that, if you pull that trigger, that person will be dead. Or you visualize the damage the bullet is going to do and you freeze, because you’re not ready for chunks of that person to explode or get torn off.”
She looked down into her lap and nodded to herself. Then she looked back up at him. “So how do I prepare myself for something like that?”
“Get Cavanaugh to show you the corpse of someone who’s been shot—let’s say a head shot that did a lot of damage. You don’t need to be comfortable with it, but you can’t be afraid of it.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to Cavanaugh. But I’ll also want to know all the other techniques you were talking about, in case I can’t get to my purse in time.”
“Whenever you’re ready. If you want, we’ll start tomorrow. Now what else did you want to talk about?”
“Tonight at the bar, I was watching the couples. Most of them I knew, like Tony and Heather. I envied how comfortable they were with each other and I wondered if I’m ever going to feel that comfortable with a man again.”
She looked down at her lap. “I feel bruised, Josh. Down here. I don’t know if it’s real or psychosomatic, but I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel better.”
“You will. That’s one thing I can tell you that I’m sure of.”
She nodded. “If that’s true, then I want to start now.” She moved over. “I want you to lie down with me.”
He grimaced. “I’d rather not.”
“I know you’d rather not. But I’m asking anyway. This isn’t about sex. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that.” She stopped. “I hate hearing myself say that—it’s like Paul took something else from me—but it’s true.”
The bed whispered as she kept sliding over. “This is about intimacy.” Her voice thickened. “I feel like I’m shutting down a little more each day, and I want to stop it before it gets permanent.”
The chair creaked as Josh lifted himself. He stopped next to the bed and looked down at her. “I’m no good at this.”
“There’s no good or bad. Just lie down.”
Josh lowered himself onto the bed, coming to rest in a seated position. Alexis smiled. “Under the covers. And lie down, goddamn it.”
He did as he was told. Alexis patted her hand twice on his chest. “Thank you.” She rolled onto her side and put her head on Josh’s chest. He stiffened but stayed where he was. Alexis reached up, took his arm, and placed it around her shoulders.
“Thanks,” she whispered. “You’re a good friend.” Five minutes later, she was asleep, her head rising and falling gently with Josh’s breathing.