Chapter Four
Catherine understood. Conclusively. Decisively.
Commander Royce Nyland, her executive officer, she reminded herself, was shutting her out. Apparently it was easy enough to do. He’d rerouted his emotions so often that barricading any and all feelings for her was a simple matter.
She, unfortunately, wasn’t achieving the same level of success. Royce Nyland had invaded her life. As hard as she tried, her efforts to adjust her own attitude had done little, if any, good.
She didn’t want to feel the things she did for him, and frankly she didn’t know how to deal with them. This was a new experience for her. How was she supposed to block him from her mind when thoughts of him filled every minute of every day?
He’d ordered her to stop, she reminded herself. When a superior officer spoke, Catherine, ever loyal, ever Navy, obeyed. No one had told her it was going to be easy. But then again, no one had bothered to explain how damn difficult it would be, either.
Nothing like this had ever happened to Catherine before, and frankly…Frankly, she didn’t want it happening to her now.
Royce didn’t want to jeopardize his career. She didn’t want to jeopardize hers, either. He had little use for love in his life; she’d lived without it so long she didn’t know what she was missing. If he could ignore the empty hole that grew deeper and wider with each passing day, then, she determined, so could she.
Maintaining her daily exercise program became of primary importance to Catherine. Never having liked running in the streets, she ran on the base track at odd hours of the day. She was careful not to infringe on Royce’s time, holding on to this small link with him because it was all she had.
Early Friday morning, two weeks after Royce had called her into his office for their latest discussion, Catherine parked her car close to the jogging track.
She’d just finished her second lap when another runner joined her, coming up from behind her, gaining on her easily.
Catherine’s throat constricted. She’d worked so hard not to intrude on his exercise time, running in the early morning hours in order to avoid the possibility of them stumbling into each other.
The immediate sense of unfairness and outrage was nearly overwhelming. Instantly she wanted to confront Royce, shout at him, demand that he leave her alone, but he spoke first. “You’re angry.”
“You’re damn right I am. What are you doing here?” Her voice was low and accusing. Suddenly she felt tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of ignoring emotions so strong she was choking on them. Tired of hiding.
“I need to talk to you.”
“So talk.” Her nerves were raw, stretched to the breaking point. They had been for weeks.
They jogged half a lap before he spoke. For someone who was so eager to communicate, for someone who’d broken the very rules he’d initiated, he seemed to be having a hard time getting started.
“I had to do it, Catherine,” he said with enough force to shake the ground. The words weren’t loud, but packed with emotion. “We’ve both been in the Navy too long, and love it too much to risk everything now.”
“I know.” Her anger vanished as quickly as it had risen and her voice trembled slightly despite her best efforts to keep it even and unaffected. She wasn’t nearly as good as Royce when it came to disguising her emotions.
“What I didn’t realize was how damn difficult it was going to be.” He said this softly, as though admitting to a wrong-doing, as though it were important she know.
Catherine knotted her hands tightly at her sides. She never expected him to admit it, never dreamed he would. He’d given every indication that pushing her from his thoughts, from his heart, hadn’t caused him a moment’s concern. Surely he must have known how difficult it was for her. She’d buried herself in her work, repainted her entire apartment, stayed up late listening to Johnny Mathis records in a futile effort to forget Royce. But nothing worked. Nothing.
“Kelly asks about you every night,” Royce confessed next.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, knowing that involving his daughter in this had made everything more difficult. “I didn’t purposely run into you that day.”
“I know. I’m not blaming you, I just wish to hell it hadn’t happened. No,” he altered quickly, regretfully, “that isn’t true. I’m thankful Kelly met you.”
“It would have been better for us both if it hadn’t happened.” Yet Catherine would always be grateful for that one day with Royce and his daughter. It gave her something to hold on to for all the long, lonely nights.
“There’s a rumor going around,” Royce said after a moment. Catherine’s heart tripped. The fear must have shown in her eyes because Royce added, “It’s not about us, don’t worry.”
The military abounded with rumors. That Royce thought it important enough to repeat one to her meant something was deeply troubling him.
“I heard by means of the grapevine that I may be sent over to Turkey to work at NATO.”
His words fell like heavy stones upon Catherine’s heart, each one inflicting a sharper, more profound pain. “Oh, Royce.” Her tone was low and hesitant, filled with concern.
“If I am, I’ll need someone to take Kelly for me.”
Catherine would do it in a heartbeat, but surely there was someone else. A relative or a long-standing family friend. As a single parent, Royce must have completed a parenting plan so there would be someone to take Kelly with as little as twenty-four-hour’s notice.
“I spoke to Kelly about the possibility of us being separated last night. I didn’t want to alarm her, but at the same time I didn’t think it was fair to hide it from her, either.”
Catherine nodded, impressed with his wisdom in dealing honestly with his daughter.
“Kelly’s lived in Bangor all her life, and I’d hate to uproot her.”
“I understand.” The ten-year-old had already lost her mother, and if her father were to be given shipping orders to the Middle East, everything that was familiar to Kelly would be stripped from her. The fact he’d been stationed at Bangor this long was something of an oddity.
“Sandy’s family lives in the Midwest. She was never close to her mother and had lost contact with her father several years before. She has a couple of stepbrothers, but I’ve never bothered to keep in touch with them. To be honest, I haven’t heard from her side of the family since the funeral.”
“Kelly can stay with me,” Catherine offered.
They had stopped running by this time and were walking the track, their pace invigorating. The air was cold and clean, and when Royce spoke, his breath created a thin fog in the autumn morning.
“If you can’t, my parents will be happy to have her, but they’re living in a retirement community in Arizona, and frankly, I hate to complicate their lives at this point.”
“I mean it, Royce. I’d love to have Kelly stay with me.”
“Thank you,” he whispered. His voice was hoarse, and intuitively Catherine knew how difficult it was for Royce Nyland to admit he needed someone for something. Knowing he needed her, even if it was for his daughter’s sake, did something to her heart. Her vulnerable heart. Susceptible only to him.
Royce picked up the pace, and they resumed jogging at a leisurely pace.
“How’s Kelly taking the news?” Catherine asked, concerned about the grade schooler.
“Like a real trooper. I think she’s more excited about the possibility of living with you, something she suggested by the way, than she’s concerned about me leaving.”
“Typical kid reaction.”
“She really took to you.”
Catherine smiled, her heart warming. “I took to her, too.”
Royce laughed. It was the first time Catherine could remember ever hearing Royce amused.
“What’s so funny?”
Royce sobered almost immediately. “Something Kelly said. Hell, I didn’t even know she wanted a sister.”
“A sister?”
Royce looked away abruptly. “Never mind,” he said curtly.
They circled the track once more, their time slipping away like sand between splayed fingers. It felt so good to be with Royce, these moments together were like a rare, unexpected gift meant to be savored and enjoyed. Catherine had trouble keeping her eyes off him. He was tall and lean, his muscular shoulders broad. The sunlight was breaking over the hill, glinting on his thick, dark hair.
They parted at the last possible minute. Royce left first, heading toward the office. Catherine took a hurried shower. She stood under the spray, letting it pelt against her face and tried not to think of Royce being transferred all the way to Turkey.
It would solve one problem; she wouldn’t be under Royce’s command and if they chose to become romantically involved the Navy would not care. Of course they’d be separated by thousands of miles, but the Navy generally went out of its way to make falling in love difficult.
Catherine arrived at the office, feeling refreshed. She greeted her secretary, poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down at her desk. She didn’t look for Royce, but lately she’d made a habit of not seeking him out, even if it was only with her eyes.
She was absorbed in her own work for an hour or more when Commander Parker strolled into her office. Catherine had briefly met Commander Parker when she was first assigned to the Bangor station. He was in his mid-thirties, single and something of a flirt. He’d asked Catherine out to dinner one of the Friday nights Royce had seen fit to assign her duty, and she’d been forced to refuse. Apparently he’d taken her rejection personally, and hadn’t asked her out since.
“Have you seen Commander Nyland?” Elaine Perkins asked a minute or so later.
“He was on the track this morning,” Catherine explained as nonchalantly as she could. “He left before I did and I haven’t seen him since.”
“Commander Parker’s looking for him.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t help.”
Perkins left and returned a few minutes later after a flurry of activity from several others. Apparently Royce wasn’t anywhere to be found, which was highly uncommon. Catherine worked hard at disguising her growing concern.
The phone rang; Elaine Perkins answered, routing the call. Her hand was still on the receiver when she turned to Catherine. “I didn’t know Commander Nyland had a daughter. Somehow I can’t picture old stoneface as a parent.”
Catherine grinned. Not long ago she would have thought the same thing herself. But she’d seen Royce interact with his daughter, seen the love and pride shining through his eyes as he looked down at her. “She’s ten and an absolute delight,” Catherine said before she could stop herself.
“So you’ve met her?”
“Ah…I ran into them at the mall a couple of weeks back,” Catherine explained, returning her attention to the case she was reviewing.
“If you’ve met her,” Elaine continued, emotion bleeding into her voice, “then you might be interested in knowing where Commander Nyland disappeared to. Apparently his daughter was hit by a car on her way to school. She’s at the Navy Hospital.”
Catherine swore her heart stopped in that moment. She went stiff with shock, then completely numb. Slowly she rose to her feet and blindly looked around her as if the air circulating the room would tell her it wasn’t so.
Oh my God. Oh my God. Not Kelly. Please not Kelly, Catherine’s mind chanted. The phrase kept repeating itself in her mind, a prayer, an entreaty to the heavenly powers to watch over the child Royce loved so dearly.
“Catherine?” She couldn’t look at Elaine, fearing she would read the stark terror in her eyes and know how much Royce and his daughter meant to her.
“Did…what’s her condition?”
“I don’t know. Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” she answered, reaching for her purse. “I’m…I’m taking my lunch hour.”
“Sure thing,” Elaine returned hesitantly. “I don’t suppose you noticed it’s only ten. It’s a little early for lunch, don’t you think?”
Catherine didn’t bother to answer. She was already on her way out of the office. She rushed down the stairs and shot out of the building. It amazed her how calm she was. Outwardly, she was as cool and composed as an admiral. On the inside she was quaking with fear so stark and real the taste of it filled her mouth.
Please God, not Kelly. She must have repeated the phrase a hundred times as she raced across the asphalt parking lot to her car.
Catherine didn’t remember any part of the fifteen-minute drive to the Navy Hospital in Bremerton. One moment she was at the Navy Base at Bangor, and the next thing she knew she was pulling into the hospital parking lot.
The emergency room receptionist must have recognized the urgency in Catherine’s eyes, and after a few preliminary questions, directed her to the third floor.
She took the elevator up, repeating the room number over and over in her head as she raced down the wide polished corridor. The door was ajar when Catherine arrived.
Kelly, her face ashen against the sheets, was either asleep or unconscious, the metal railing around the bed raised. Catherine’s heart, which had only recently righted itself, tripped into double time. Once more she prayed for the little girl who had come to mean so much to her in so short a time. Tears filled her eyes, and she bit into her lower lip in an effort to keep them at bay.
Royce was sitting in a chair next to the hospital bed, his face in his hands, oblivious to her presence.
“Royce.”
He lifted his head, turned and fixed his eyes on her. He frowned as though he didn’t believe it was her, as though he desperately needed an anchor. His face was ravaged with emotion, scored with myriad fears. Briefly he closed his eyes before he stood and walked over to her.
Thankfully Catherine had the presence of mind to close the door. No sooner had it swung shut when Royce hauled her to him, lifted her from the floor and locked his arms around her waist. A shudder ran down the length of him as he breathed in deeply and buried his face in the gentle slope of her shoulder.
Catherine felt the moisture slide down her cheeks, and she held on to Royce with equal ferocity, her arms looped around his neck.
“She’s going to be all right,” Royce assured her several moments later, his words more breath than sound. As if he feared he was hurting her, he relaxed his hold and slowly, hesitantly lowered her feet to the ground. “She’s asleep now. The doctor wanted to keep her overnight for observation. Oh God, Catherine, it was so close, so very close. A few more feet and I might have lost her.”
His eyes continued to hold hers. The barriers were down now, and she understood so many things he’d never allowed her to see before. Though he wished she’d never been transferred from Hawaii. Though he wished she was in anyone else’s command but his. Though he wished to hell she’d stayed outside his life. He needed her. He needed her because he couldn’t endure seeing his only child hurt and stand at her bedside alone. He needed her then. He needed her tomorrow. The need wasn’t ever going to go away.
Without thinking, Catherine did what seemed natural. She reached up and pressed her head to his chest, reassuring him the only way she knew how. His hands were trembling as his fingers tangled with her hair. Once again a tremor raced through his body.
“She’s going to be all right,” he said again.
“Thank God,” Catherine whispered. She felt his heart pounding. Her breasts were flush against the hard wall of his chest, and it felt so incredibly good to be in his arms.
They might have remained like that forever if the sound from outside the room hadn’t captured their attention. Even then neither one showed any inclination toward moving. Remembering all the unspoken promises they’d made to each other, Catherine gently broke away.
“Any broken bones?” was the only intelligent question she could think to ask. She ran her fingers down her cheeks, convinced her mascara was streaking her face. Using the back of her hand, she brushed the moisture aside.
“None,” Royce said with a lopsided grin. “She was lucky that way. She has a bad concussion and plenty of scrapes and bruises.”
“What happened?”
“One of the mothers was driving her kids to school when her brakes locked as she was coming to the school crossing. There wasn’t anything she could do.” Royce’s eyes hardened as though he were picturing the frantic scene in his mind. The terror of the children helplessly scattering as the car slid toward them. The screams. The fear. The panic.
“Gratefully the car hit the curb before sliding into Kelly and Missy. From what I understand both were racing out of the way and were knocked hard to the ground.”
“Was Kelly’s friend hurt?”
“Cuts and bruises. The hospital released her to her mother.”
Pressing her hands against the sides of Royce’s clean-shaven jaw, Catherine closed her eyes, grateful that the accident hadn’t been any worse than it was. Now that she was assured Kelly was going to be all right, she was more concerned about Royce. At one time she would have believed nothing could disconcert him, but Royce’s Achilles’ heel was his young daughter.
“Are you all right?”
He nodded, and offered her a weak smile. “Now that you’re here, I am.” He covered her hand with his own and roughly drew her palm to his mouth, tenderly kissing the inside. “Does anyone know where you are?”
Elaine Perkins had probably figured it out, but Catherine didn’t want to worry Royce. “No.”
“Good.” His eyes were dark and intent. “Go back to the office.”
“But…”
“And come back later this afternoon. Kelly will want to see you.” His eyes revealed he’d want to see her again, too.
“All right,” she said, reluctantly drawing away from him.
Royce reached for her hand, momentarily bringing her back to him, and pressed her fingertips to his mouth. “Thank you.” He didn’t need to tell her what for, it was there in his eyes for her to read. The eyes that had once seemed so hard and cold would never look the same again.
* * *
No man is an island. Royce had never completely understood those words until Kelly’s accident. He’d been numb when security had come to tell him his daughter, his only child, had been taken by ambulance to the Navy Hospital. Numb with shock and disbelief. His heart had pounded so loud it sounded like a hand grenade exploding in his ears.
He hadn’t said a word, but simply walked outside to his car, climbed inside and drove with a security escort to the hospital, praying, pleading with God for things to be different this time than they had been with Sandy’s fatal accident.
Security Police had come to him then, too. All he’d known was that Sandy had been taken by ambulance to the Naval Hospital. The details with Kelly had been the same.
Only Sandy had been D.O.A.
Kelly had been spared.
Royce had loved his wife, at least in the beginning. He’d sensed from the first that she’d needed more love, more of him than he could ever supply. When they’d first married, the idea of being an officer’s wife had excited her, but that novelty had quickly worn thin. She’d needed something more.
A career, she decided. One in which she would be appreciated and admired. One that would make her the envy of everyone she met.
Royce had encouraged her, which was his first mistake, but he hadn’t expected her to become more involved with fashion than their lives together. After two years as a buyer for a major Seattle department store, she let it be known that if Royce were transferred, she’d stay behind.
In his ignorance, Royce had thought a child would help. Sandy had never been keen on raising a family. Insisting she bear him the child she’d promised was mistake number two.
After threats, tears and countless arguments, Sandy had agreed, but she’d never wanted Kelly. In some ways, Royce doubted that Sandy had ever loved their daughter.
Sandy worked up to a week before her delivery date and returned two weeks afterward. It was Royce who walked the floors when Kelly developed colic. It was Royce who dropped her off at the day-care center and returned to pick her up after work. It was Royce who changed her diapers and sat in the medical clinic when she developed repeated ear infections.
As Sandy claimed, if Royce was so keen on having a family, fine. She’d done her part.
By the time Sandy had been killed, their marriage, indeed every aspect of their relationship, had long since died a slow, painful death. They hadn’t slept in the same room for three years and hadn’t made love in over a year. Their lives were as separate as they could make them and still remain married.
Royce hadn’t asked for a divorce. He didn’t know why Sandy hadn’t. They rarely spoke in those days. Rarely communicated.
Nevertheless, when she’d died, Royce had suffered. With guilt. With regret. With doubts. He should have tried harder. Done something more to make her happy. Appreciated her more. Something. Anything. Everything.
He hadn’t shed a tear at her funeral. Any emotion he felt for Sandy had long since been spent. He felt guilty about that, guilty enough to promise himself he would never make the mistake of falling in love a second time.
Then he’d met Catherine.
He cursed the day she’d been assigned to his staff. In the same breath his heart swelled with gratitude.
Royce had come to believe he was a man who didn’t need anyone. People needed him. Kelly needed him. The Navy needed him. But he was an island, a man without needs.
He’d lived under that delusion until he’d seen Security approaching him that morning.
In that moment he’d needed Catherine. So badly that he shuddered at the memory of the way her name had raced into his mind. He’d sat in the emergency room, wanting her with him so much that he could feel himself start to unravel. A woman he felt closer to in little more than a month than he’d ever felt toward the wife he’d buried. He needed Catherine, the woman he’d never held. The woman he’d never kissed.
Royce had waited, for what seemed like hours, but in fact had only been a matter of minutes before he learned Kelly had suffered only minor injuries.
His relief had been so great that it demanded every ounce of strength he possessed not to reach for the phone and call Catherine then and there and assure her everything was all right. His hand shook as the realization washed over him like cold November rain.
Still he wanted Catherine with him. He needed her warmth, her generosity, her support. The man who needed no one, needed her.
She must have known, must have sensed his desperation because she’d come. From out of nowhere, she’d walked into Kelly’s hospital room like an apparition. When he’d first looked up and seen her standing there, Royce was convinced she wasn’t real. His anguish had been so overwhelming that his troubled mind had conjured up her form to satisfy the deep craving he had for her touch.
Then her eyes had slid so hungrily to his, and she’d bit into her bottom lip and battled back the tears. Ghosts didn’t cry, did they?
This one did. Somehow Royce found himself on his feet walking toward her. He half expected her to vanish when he reached for her. Instead she was warm and solid and real. And his.
Royce had been so grateful, so engulfed with gratitude that he hadn’t been able to speak. His heart, which he’d taken such measures to protect, had heated with a love so strong, his throat had grown thick with emotion.
He’d held Catherine for the longest time, soaking in her strength, her love, her concern.
When he had been able to speak, he didn’t know if what he’d said was the least bit intelligible. Catherine had started asking questions; somehow he’d found the strength to answer, strength she’d lent him without even knowing it.
Then they’d heard a noise outside the room and realized their perilous position. He’d had to send her away. He’d had no choice.
“Daddy.” The fragile child voice rose from the bed as delicately as mist on the moors.
“Hello, sweetheart.”
“I fell asleep.”
“I know.” He lifted her small hand and clasped it in both of his. “You’re going to be all right.”
“What about Missy?”
“Her, too.”
“Did I ruin my new jacket?”
How like a woman to be concerned about her clothes, Royce noted, amused. “If you did, I’ll buy you another one.”
Kelly brightened enough to offer him a weak smile. “I thought I heard Catherine. Did she come? I wanted to wake up and talk to her, but I couldn’t. I guess I was too tired.”
Royce nodded. “Don’t worry, Catherine will be back later.”
Kelly’s soft blue eyes drifted shut, and she yawned. “Oh-h-h good, I like her so much.”
“I like her, too.”
Kelly’s smile was lethargic. “I know you do, and she likes you a whole bunch…I can tell. Remember what I said, okay?”
“A baby sister,” she reminded him, and winced. “Don’t forget.”
Royce hesitated. Now wasn’t the time to lecture Kelly, but if she were to say anything to Catherine, it might prove extremely embarrassing. “Let me handle that part, all right?”
“All right.”
Within a few minutes, Kelly was sound asleep once more.
* * *
As promised, Catherine arrived later that evening, her arms filled with a giant stuffed panda and a large vase of bright flowers.
“Catherine!” Kelly greeted. His child was sitting up in bed, looking very much like her normal self, Royce thought. The ten-year-old held out her arms as though she and the lieutenant commander were close friends.
If the truth be known, Royce was having something of a problem keeping from holding out his arms as well. Catherine looked beautiful, but then he couldn’t remember a time that she’d been anything less.
Catherine set the vase of pink, red and white carnations next to the flower arrangement Royce had brought.
“Dad said you were here earlier, but I was asleep.” She hugged the panda bear and Catherine in turn. “Thank you. I didn’t expect everyone to buy me gifts just because Mrs. Thompson’s brakes didn’t work.”
“We’re all so pleased you weren’t hurt worse.”
“It was real scary,” Kelly admitted, eating up all the attention she was receiving. “I tried not to cry, but it hurt too bad.”
“I probably would have cried, too,” Catherine confessed. She stood across the bed from Royce, who remembered the tears in her eyes as she’d rushed into the room earlier in the day.
“Wow, what happened to this place?” Catherine said with a grin, admiring the decorations. Her gaze briefly met with Royce’s and seemed almost shy.
“My teacher brought me a poster,” Kelly said, pointing proudly to the large sheet of brightly decorated butcher paper. “Everyone in the class wrote me a get-well message.” The ten-year-old paused. “Everyone except Eddie Reynolds. He’s never forgiven me for striking him out in baseball last year.” She rolled her eyes as though to say men were all fools.
“Your friends did a beautiful job.”
“Did you see the flowers Dad got me and the new cassette player?”
“Yes, they’re very nice.”
“I almost ruined my new jacket, but Dad says all we have to do is take it to the cleaners.”
“Well, you’re certainly looking chipper.”
“I feel real good, but the doctor said I have to stay here overnight. Dad’s going to come back early in the morning and bring me home. Then tomorrow night he’s going to fix my favorite dinner. Will you come, too? Dad’s a real good cook, and I have so much I want to show you.”
Catherine’s eyes shot to Royce’s. It was clear she didn’t know how to answer Kelly. It was also clear, at least to Royce, that she wanted to be there just as much as he and Kelly wanted her with them.