But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man shall be blessed in what he does.
James 1:25
Kelly Donovan pushed the glass office door open and then rubbed her sweating palms together as she tried to calm the frantic beating of her heart. She was convinced at the moment that being a temporary secretary was the worst job in the world—you never knew what you were going to find. She had worked for men and women who were absolute lambs and for others who had given her nightmares long after she’d moved on.
Today and for the next eight weeks she would be working for a Mr. Nicholas Hamilton. He was a successful, high-powered criminal lawyer from a large private firm situated in downtown San Francisco, and he had actually contacted the Amos Secretarial Agency for a fill-in secretary himself. This was very unusual, and Mrs. Kroft, the manager of the agency, had looked at Kelly with a steely glint.
“I don’t have to tell you how out-of-the-ordinary this is, Miss Donovan. You are my best secretary, and I cannot stress to you strongly enough that you must not let us down.”
Kelly’s “Yes, Mrs. Kroft” had been meek but not feigned. She was a very sweet, even-tempered young woman, ready to please, and not given to allowing her life to be ruled by her emotions. This morning, however, she was nervous. Her last job had been almost a month long, but it had felt like a year. The man for whom she had worked had been impossible to please, and as hard as Kelly now worked at remaining calm, her palms still grew damp.
“Who are you?”
A deep voice startled Kelly, and she jumped slightly. She hadn’t even seen the other person.
“I’m Kelly Donovan. The Amos Agency sent me.”
She was stared at by the owner of the voice as they stood together in the office/waiting room. He was at least 6’3”, with very dark hair and startling blue eyes. His chin was determined, stubborn even, and his black brows met in a single line over a long, fine nose. There was a sprinkling of gray at his temples.
“What do you want?” he continued in that same deep tone.
Kelly’s hand literally dripped. “I was told you needed someone to do secretarial work; I must have the wrong office.”
The man turned away from her then and stared at the empty desk as though just noticing it. Kelly was on the verge of leaving when he spoke, almost to himself.
“She’s having a baby.”
“I beg your pardon?” Kelly responded, desperately trying to keep up.
“I need a letter,” he told her. “Is that what you’re here for?”
“Yes, sir.”
With that he turned and went into his inner office. Kelly nearly tore her jacket off before frantically scrambling in the desk for a steno pad. In her two years of experience, she found that dictating letters was swiftly dying out, but if Mr. Hamilton wanted to dictate a letter, it was her job to oblige him. It felt like many minutes had passed before she found a pad and pen, but her new employer made no comment and began almost before she could take a seat. The phone rang once during his oration, but since he showed no signs of slowing, Kelly was forced to keep on.
His terse “That will be all” ended the session as abruptly as it had begun, and Kelly retired to the outer desk to try to find her way around the strange computer and file system. She heard nothing from the inner office for the better part of two hours, and when her boss did appear, he looked surprised to see her.
“Did you need something, Mr. Hamilton?”
The tall man stared at her for a moment. “What was your name again?”
“Kelly—Kelly Donovan.”
“Yes, right. Well, I need these notes typed before noon.”
He left the papers without further word, and Kelly went to work. The phone rang a few times, but no one wanted to speak directly to Mr. Hamilton, so Kelly took messages. At 11:45 she knocked on the heavy oak door and was given permission to enter. She laid the letter from that morning and all the papers on his desk, but he never raised his head.
Kelly had just let herself back into the waiting area when a woman came in. She was puffing like a steam engine and looked as though she was ready to deliver any moment; indeed, it looked like she might be carrying triplets.
“Oh, thank heaven you’re still here!” she gasped. “I was told only an hour ago that the woman who was to be here to start you couldn’t make it. I’m so glad you stayed.”
Kelly only stared, and the woman apologized.
“I’m sorry. I’m Brandy Clemens, Mr. Hamilton’s secretary.”
“Oh,” Kelly replied sympathetically. “I’m sorry you had to come in. I think I’m doing pretty well.”
“I know you are,” Brandy exclaimed, “or you would have run by now.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Kelly admitted, and Brandy came to a complete halt.
“I can see that,” she began slowly, “which can only mean he’s having a good day.”
Kelly didn’t know how to answer this, but Brandy only smiled at her.
“Okay,” she began, and in the next 30 minutes she gave Kelly a rundown on the operations. Kelly tried to absorb everything and then had a few questions. Her heart silently praised God that she had done things right so far, but as Brandy left, she gave Kelly a word of caution.
“Just remember that nothing is personal, Kelly.”
“Okay,” Kelly said, but her voice told the other woman that she didn’t really understand.
Brandy tried again. “He’s a very intense man to work for, and if he blows up at you, it’s nothing personal. He just has a job to get done and can’t see anything else.”
Kelly nodded. This was something she could understand, since many of her employers had been the same way. Kelly thanked Brandy, who seemed relieved to be leaving, and returned to her work, but it was several days before Brandy’s words were made more than clear to Kelly. Calmly brushing her windblown hair from her face, she walked into the office and was stopped short by her employer’s voice.
“Where have you been?” He was coldly furious.
Kelly took a swift glance at her watch; she was ten minutes early.
“Where is the Morgan file?” he bit out. “What have you done with it?”
To Kelly’s knowledge she had never seen the file, but she moved swiftly forward.
“I’ll check for you.”
The desk and files were a mess, and Kelly saw that he’d been rifling through them. She looked swiftly, but having Mr. Hamilton standing there glaring at her made it rather strained, and he was right: The file was nowhere to be found.
“Could it be on your desk, Mr. Hamilton?” Kelly finally ventured.
The look she received was frightening, and his voice was angrier than ever.
“Fine! If it will satisfy your curiosity, go ahead and look.” His hand swept toward the door, but it was not a nice gesture.
Kelly had no idea how to respond to his sarcasm, but she entered his office on shaking legs. In some ways she hoped the file wouldn’t be there, as it was sure to put him in a worse humor. She looked anyway and produced the file in less than a minute.
“Is this the one, Mr. Hamilton?”
“Yes, Miss Donally.” His voice was still terse. “I’ll be in court for the remainder of the week.”
If Kelly had been able to see herself in the mirror at that moment, she would have seen a shaken redhead whose green eyes and freckles stood out starkly on her pale face. Her heart felt slightly crushed and beaten. It took a few minutes to remember Brandy’s advice. With the thought, Kelly’s chin rose ever so slightly.
“My name’s not Donally,” she spoke softly to the empty room. “It’s Donovan. Kelly Donovan.”
The next eight weeks were a roller coaster ride. Some days flew by and others dragged. Some days Mr. Hamilton was absentminded and kind, and others he was intense, rude, and overbearing.
Kelly’s good friend, Jill, was a constant help during those weeks. She was never too busy to listen, and she and her new husband, Russell, had Kelly over to dinner several times.
“He was a terror today,” Kelly told them one night, her voice a bit sad. “He finally knows my name, but I couldn’t do anything right.”
“I’ve been praying that you’ll have an opportunity to witness to him, Kelly,” Russell told her. “But I think maybe I should pray that you’ll just survive.”
Kelly chuckled. “It does feel that way at times. The money has been good—I’ve put quite a bit away for lean times—but I’m so glad that I’ll be done next week.” Kelly looked at Jill, her face guilty. “I sound terribly ungrateful, don’t I?”
Jill squeezed her hand. “I think the Lord understands. It hasn’t been easy for you.”
“Does the agency have something lined up for you next week?” Russell asked.
“Yes,” Kelly told them with a pleased smile. “That candy company on Parker Street needs a temp. I’m scheduled there for three weeks.”
“That will be a nice break for you,” Russell said.
“I hope so,” Kelly returned, her smile still in place. “I hope the biggest problem will be staying out of the chocolate.”
“It’s a tough job,” Russell winked at her, “but someone’s got to do it.”
“Now, on Monday,” Mr. Hamilton began firmly but not unkindly, “I’ll be in court with the—”
“Brandy will be back on Monday,” Kelly gently cut in.
The intense lawyer looked at her as though he’d just noticed she was there and then said, “I need you in court, Kelly.”
The redhead nodded. “Brandy is going to call me this weekend so I can explain everything to her.”
Again the stare.
“You’ll win this case,” Kelly told him simply and was pleased to see him look surprised. “Especially if Brandy is back. I’ll type these notes for you now.” With that she exited and felt very thankful that her last day was going to be pleasant. And indeed, it almost was, but with only an hour of work left, a call came in from his key witness that set her employer on a rampage.
Barked at and berated for the remainder of the day, Kelly left for home feeling like a limp rag. She didn’t cry—she was too tired to make the effort—but with a weary heart she thanked God she would never have to see Nicholas Hamilton again.
Eight Months Later
“Okay,” Kelly instructed the small charges from her Sunday school class, “we’re going out on the lawn today to look for things God has made. I don’t want you to sit on the grass in your good clothes or walk in the flower beds. Does everyone understand?”
Eight four-year-olds nodded their heads as their small eyes watched her with love. Kelly smiled at them and pushed the door open. A man was coming in, one who held the door wide, but Kelly thanked him without looking up. She wouldn’t have raised her head at all if she hadn’t heard, “You’re welcome, Kelly.”
Her green eyes shot up and found Mr. Hamilton watching her. He looked much the same as he had eight months ago—tall, handsome, and impeccably dressed—but today there was a difference.
“Hello,” Kelly murmured faintly, receiving a small smile in return.
“Miss Donovan, Crissy’s in the flowers.”
Kelly had no choice but to move away and take care of her students, but it took a few moments for her to remember why they’d come outside at all. The remainder of the class time passed in a type of haze, and Kelly’s former boss was still heavy on her mind when the church service started. When the singing was over and the sermon actually began, Kelly forced her mind to the words at hand. In fact, she had so successfully put Mr. Hamilton from her mind that her mouth actually swung open when at two o’clock that afternoon she answered the knock at her front door and found him standing there.
“Mr. Hamilton,” she said inanely.
“Hello, Kelly. I knocked on two wrong doors before I found you.”
“Oh,” she said rather stupidly and then recalled her manners. “Would you like to come in?”
He entered without comment, and Kelly invited him to sit down. He chose her most uncomfortable chair but didn’t seem to notice. Kelly sat across from him, her heart pounding with anticipation.
“I didn’t know you went to that church,” Nicholas began.
Kelly smiled. “I didn’t know you did either.”
“This is only my second week. I came to Christ ten days ago.”
Kelly bit her lip and pressed the fingernails of one hand into her palm to keep from crying. His face was serene yet excited. Kelly felt a tremendous rush of emotions.
“Tell me how it happened,” she finally said and thought it was much like uncorking a bottle.
“I was miserable,” he admitted. “I couldn’t understand why I was restless and angry. I had everything I needed, but I was still impossible to please. My brother told me I needed help. I thought he was talking about a shrink, but then he took me to see Roger Foy.”
“Pastor Foy?” Kelly asked. “Pastor North’s assistant?”
“Yes. I expected him to tell me how much money I needed to give to the church in order to find happiness, but he didn’t say that. He said you have to be born again. I laughed in his face. I told him I’d already been born once, but then he opened his Bible and showed me where Jesus had said that to Nicodemus.
“I was flabbergasted by the story he read me as well as the words. I’d never understood the Bible before, but this was in plain English and not at all cryptic. I mean, Jesus himself said that we can’t see heaven unless we first accept God’s gift of life. I didn’t know that. It’s funny, but I’ve always believed that Jesus was God—I just didn’t know He’d said all these things.
“And I have to tell you the craziest part: I really didn’t think it would work. My prayer was sincere, but I didn’t think it could really be that easy. I kept waiting for Roger to tell me I could write out my check now. Instead, he offered to meet with me every week for discipleship, and he even gave me his home phone number and said I could call at any time of the day or night.”
Kelly smiled. “He’s like that—always available.”
“Have you known, Kelly?” Nick’s face was very serious. “Have you known about Christ for a long time?”
“Since I was 13.”
“So you’ve read the Bible a lot.”
Kelly nodded.
“Can you tell me what Pastor North was talking about when he mentioned the Davidic Covenant?”
And with that they were off. Kelly brought out her Bible, and they talked and discussed the Scriptures for hours. Mr. Hamilton was a brilliant man, and there were times when Kelly felt like she was out of her league, but anything she couldn’t tell him he simply wrote down in a small notebook to ask Roger later. Kelly was utterly amazed to look at her watch and find that it was after five o’clock.
“Oh, look at the time!” she exclaimed. “Would you like something to eat, Mr. Hamilton?”
“No, thank you, I’m not hungry. I read a verse yesterday …” and he was off again.
Kelly didn’t know how to handle this. The evening service started in 45 minutes, and she really would have liked a sandwich but told herself she could wait. However, she did not want to miss the service. When her watch read 5:30, Kelly plunged in.
“Are you going to the evening service, Mr. Hamilton?”
He stared at her, thoroughly nonplused. “You go to church at night?”
Kelly nodded. “Six o’clock. My ride will be here in a few minutes.”
“Oh, well, I can take you, and then we can talk on the way.”
Again Kelly wasn’t sure how to field this ball, but she decided swiftly, and the next few minutes were spent in a flurry as she made a phone call, changed her clothes, and rushed out the door to Nick’s long sports car. They sat together during the service, and afterward he had more questions about what he’d heard. Pastor Foy saw them talking and came to join them. The church slowly closed down while the three stood in the parking lot and talked.
It was after 8:30 when Nick said, “Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I’m going to go home now and look up these verses in James. Goodnight, Roger. Night, Kelly.” And with that he was gone. Kelly watched him, praying he would remember her, but a moment later his Jaguar roared to life and he was gone.
“He’s very excited, isn’t he?”
“Yes,” Kelly agreed. “It’s a joy to watch him. He’s as intense with this as he is with everything else.”
“Yes. Well, I’d better scoot. Jana has gone onto the Brennan’s and will think I’m lost. Goodnight, Kelly.”
“Goodnight, Pastor.”
Kelly stood motionless for a moment, her mind going over the easiest walk home. With the hills in San Francisco, it was going to be a climb. She was thankful that she was in slacks and low-heeled shoes. Suddenly Pastor Foy’s car pulled up alongside of her.
“I forgot that you don’t have a car, Kelly; how did you get here tonight?”
Kelly smiled. “With Mr. Hamilton.”
“Oh, no,” Roger said on a laugh as he shook his head. “Hop in. We’ll swing by the Brennans’, get Jana, and run you home.”
Kelly climbed in with a word of thanks.
“Do you think Nick will be calling on you again?” Roger asked as the car pulled into the street.
“I don’t know,” Kelly replied with a smile in her voice, “but if he does, you’d better pray for me. He asked me questions today that I’ve never even thought of.”
Roger laughed. “You’ll do fine, but if you do end up over your head, just pick up the phone, Kelly.”
Again she thanked him, and even though she hated to inconvenience him and his wife, she appreciated the offer and the ride home.
“I tried to call you today at that car place, but they said you were gone.”
No hello or greeting of any kind. Kelly smiled to herself as she held her apartment door wide and waited for Nick to enter. She had told him she was not going to be at Talmont Buick after last week, but he had not heard her.
“I want to know what you think of this animal in Job, this behemoth. Let’s go get some dinner and talk about it.”
Kelly hesitated as she always did when he mentioned eating out.
“Why don’t I fix us something here?” she finally asked.
Nick shook his head. “I’m in the mood for a steak.”
She sighed very gently. “I’ll get my coat.”
Kelly didn’t know how it had begun, but the first time they’d eaten a meal together, not wanting to presume, she’d pulled forth her wallet when the check arrived. Nick had never even blinked when she offered to pay for her share, and it had been like that ever since. So now, whenever he asked her for a meal, she had to do quick sums in her head to see if she could afford it. She couldn’t right now, but it wasn’t the first time she had settled for a salad or cup of soup while Nick enjoyed a full-course meal. He never noticed her meager portions in his effort to gain more answers about Scripture or tell her what he’d learned that week. Kelly thought she could have talked to him about her finances at the beginning, but this had been the pattern for nine months now, and she simply didn’t know how.
“I think the animal in Job 40:15 is a dinosaur,” Kelly told him as she tried to make her soup into a meal.
“Why?”
“Well, for one thing, it says he’s got a tail like a cedar. All other Scripture references to cedars are the cedars of Lebanon, and they’re huge. The tail on this animal is like a full-grown redwood. That could only be a dinosaur.”
He fell into a thoughtful silence that continued even when the waiter appeared with a carafe of coffee. Kelly had to speak to him twice.
“Mr. Hamilton, would you like coffee?”
“Oh! Yes, please,” he replied in a startled voice. After Kelly had creamed hers, she looked up to find him staring at her—really looking—for the first time.
“Do you always call me Mr. Hamilton?”
Kelly nodded.
“Why?”
“Well, that’s what I called you when I worked for you, and I still just do.” Kelly shrugged helplessly.
“Well, you don’t work for me anymore. Why don’t you call me Nick?”
“All right,” Kelly said softly and worked at hiding her pleasure.
“Is that a new blouse?” he asked.
“No.” Again Kelly’s voice was soft; she had owned the blouse for two years.
“It’s a nice color.”
“Thank you.”
It was the first time he had been even remotely personal with her, and Kelly took a sip of her coffee in order to hide her emotions.
At this rate, she said to herself, not knowing if she wanted to laugh or cry, he’ll ask me to marry him in just under ten years.
“Are you going to the wedding, Nick?”
“What wedding?”
“Gina North is getting married. It was in the bulletin.”
“Oh, yes, I saw that. I think so.”
“Could I get a ride?”
“Certainly.”
It was risky business going with him because she never knew when he was going to forget her, but she wanted very much to attend with him.
They were in another restaurant, and this time Kelly had enough cash for soup and a salad. It was one year to the day that Nick had knocked on her door, but only Kelly was aware of this anniversary of sorts. Everyone at church thought they were an item: everyone but Nick, Kelly, and Jill. Jill had been the one to see Kelly’s tears.
“I must not be the type men fall in love with, Jill. I mean, Russell fell for you the moment he set eyes on you. In a year’s time, I’ve been given permission to call him by his first name, and I’ve seen his house twice.” The tears had spilled over then, and Jill had hugged her. “I tell myself to move on, but I don’t think he would even notice.”
“Have you noticed,” Nick’s voice brought her back to the moment, “how many times Paul prays for grace for the believers of the early church? I haven’t been doing that, I mean, praying for grace, but I think it is significant.”
“I think you’re right,” Kelly agreed with him. “Grace is everything for salvation, but we couldn’t live for Christ without grace. His grace frees us to serve Him and return for fellowship and renewal time and again.”
They talked on for the next hour, and when Nick dropped Kelly off, she reminded him of the wedding.
“What wedding?”
Kelly stared at him. “I’ll get a ride with Jill and Russell.”
“All right,” he agreed so swiftly that Kelly felt crushed. A moment later he said goodnight and was gone. Kelly told herself not to cry, but she couldn’t help it.
“Should I move away, Lord?” she sobbed. “Should I tell him how I feel? I feel my heart can’t take anymore.”
It was a steamy night, so Kelly stepped into a cool shower and let the tears flow. She didn’t really have any answers, but she felt better, and when she finally climbed into bed, slept almost immediately.
Russell and Jill had just arrived to get Kelly on Saturday when Nick’s Lincoln pulled up to a silent halt before the apartment. Russell and Jill were not surprised to see him, so they only smiled at the look Kelly gave them and pulled away.
“I thought you were riding with me,” Nick said as she neared, having watched the other couple drive away.
“I wasn’t certain,” Kelly answered after deciding not to explain. Nick didn’t comment further, and after Kelly climbed in, they were on their way.
The wedding was lovely. So that Pastor North could walk his daughter down the aisle as well as perform the ceremony, both pastors were involved. The whole congregation cheered when the newlyweds turned and were presented to the assembly as husband and wife. The reception was right at the church, and everyone was in high spirits as they followed the wedding party over for a lovely meal. Kelly couldn’t remember when she’d had so much fun, but a dark cloud was looming.
They had been through the reception line and had just eaten, when Mrs. Casmont, one of the older ladies, approached. She zeroed in on Nick, and a moment later the fun went out of their afternoon.
“Has this given you some ideas, Nick?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” he replied sincerely.
“Why, marriage of course. It’s time you settle down. You and Kelly aren’t getting any younger.”
Nick, who had greatly matured in the Lord over the previous year, tried to smile, but Kelly could see that it was strained. She wanted to tell Mrs. Casmont to move on her way, but there was no way to do this gently. That her treatment of them was not gentle in the first place made no difference. Kelly felt humiliated, but she was not going to lash out in return.
“Well, I only hope this has given you some ideas,” she said again, trying to be coy. “It would be so exciting if you could make that announcement today, but well …” She gave a dramatic sigh, and Kelly gave one herself when she finally moved away.
“Let’s go, Kelly.” Nick’s terse voice came to her ears just a moment later, and Kelly swiftly made her goodbyes.
In the car Nick said nothing. Kelly felt tense with the strain and even more so when he didn’t take her home. It took a moment for her to see that he was headed to his own house. He still hadn’t spoken when he parked in the spacious garage, climbed from behind the wheel, and started toward the door. Kelly felt she had no choice but to follow. They were in Nick’s elegant living room when he exploded.
“I’m not the marrying kind! Mrs. Casmont had no business speaking to us in that way. It’s none of her affair!”
Kelly said nothing since he wasn’t really talking to her.
“And you just stood there!”
Suddenly under attack, Kelly was stunned.
“What was I supposed to do?” she asked, but he was raking his hand through his hair and didn’t hear her.
“Of all the interfering, rude women I’ve ever known, she just about takes the cake. And you probably put her up to it.”
If Nick had been looking at Kelly, he’d have seen her stunned look of disbelief and pain. Tears that she simply couldn’t keep at bay flooded her eyes. Nick chose that moment to look.
Kelly blinked furiously in an effort to control herself and just barely managed. Nick was silent but pacing.
After a moment Kelly said, “Maybe I should go.”
“Yes,” Nick still didn’t look at her. “I need to think.”
Still too shaken to speak, Kelly let herself quietly out the door. Unlike being stranded at the church, she was miles from home, but she began walking anyway. She wanted to cry her eyes out, but she had to keep her head until she arrived home. Kelly had walked nearly a mile when Nick’s car pulled up. The passenger-side window went down.
“Come on, Kelly, I’ll give you a ride home.”
His voice sounded normal, but Kelly shook her head.
“Come on, Kelly,” he ordered, but again she refused.
“I don’t want to be yelled at anymore.” With that she walked on and barely noticed when Nick’s car pulled smoothly ahead of her and parked at the curb. By the time she reached him, he’d climbed from his seat and was holding the door open on her side.
“I won’t yell at you anymore. Please get in.”
Kelly looked at him and realized she was trembling.
“Please, Kelly.” His voice was soft.
Finally, she went to the car. Kelly was so tense that she barely let her back rest against the seat as he pulled from the curb and drove her home. She was thankful that he didn’t speak to her, but when he stopped in front of her apartment, she spoke with quiet conviction without ever looking at him.
“If you think I actually put Mrs. Casmont up to that, then you don’t know me at all.”
“I don’t think that,” he admitted just as quietly. “I was upset.”
Kelly nodded and opened the door. Nick spoke while she was still climbing out.
“Do you want me to come in?”
Again Kelly couldn’t look at him. “No,” her voice broke on a sob, “I don’t.”
She closed the car door, and Nick watched as she rushed for her apartment. He stared out the windshield for a moment, knowing he had to make things right. He glanced around and found a parking place. A few minutes later he was standing before Kelly’s door. He raised his hand to knock but saw that it was slightly open. With a gentle push, he entered. He heard the evidence of Kelly’s tears long before he saw them, and something painful and tight squeezed around his chest. His footsteps sounded on the floor, and she jumped in surprise. She swiftly rose from where she’d been sitting at the kitchen table and wiped at her face.
“Kelly,” Nick began, but she shook her head, and he stopped. Kelly forced herself to turn and face him. She looked at him for the space of several moments and then began to speak.
“It’s all for you. This whole relationship is all for you.” She sniffed, but her voice spoke of her resolve without being harsh. “The whole church thinks we’re an item. What a joke! You have this big family that you share the holidays with. I spent Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter alone, Nick, because everyone assumed you’d asked me to join you.” She could see that she’d shocked and upset him but kept on anyway.
“I never call you. I never bother you. I wait for you to be in touch, and when you are, you never ask how Kelly is doing. It’s all for Nick. If I have trouble making ends meet, I don’t say a word for fear that you’ll think I’m asking for money. I do everything in my power to make you feel cared for and encouraged, and now I’m accused of trying to trap you into marriage.”
Kelly gasped a little now because the tears were coming back. She turned slightly away so Nick wouldn’t see them. After a moment she spoke, this time very quietly.
“I think I’d like you to go, Nick. I need some time alone.”
She watched from the corner of her eyes as he hesitated, but a moment later he turned for the door. Kelly went to that portal when she heard it close and this time made sure it was locked. She got no farther than the sofa in the living room before the tears came in a flood once again.
“Well, Nick! Come on in. We’ve just arrived home from the wedding.”
“Can I talk to you, Roger?”
“Certainly. Let’s go into the family room.”
They made themselves comfortable, but Nick didn’t talk. Roger was not a man given to light conversation, so he waited patiently. It took several moments before Nick began. He relayed the entire day’s events, his voice troubled and confused.
“And then she asked me to leave. I wanted to stay. I wanted to tell her I was sorry, but she was crying. I’ve never seen her cry. Is she right, Roger? Am I that self-centered? Is the whole relationship for me?”
Roger looked at him for a moment. “Tell me, Nick, how often do you see Kelly?”
Nick shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Every week?” Roger prompted. “Every month? More then once a week? How often?”
“I guess every week.”
Roger smiled a little. “You and I meet every week, and have for more than a year, but you never mention her. Jana has told me that she sees the two of you together, but I don’t see you together that often, and since you never talk about her, I’ve never given it any thought. You’ve grown so much Nick, but being a new Christian is almost like being an infant. Your world starts out very small, and the only person you can take care of is yourself. It sounds like that’s how it’s been for you.
“And Kelly, well, I don’t know her very well, but I know she wouldn’t do anything that might discourage you or make you stumble. It sounds like whatever has been going on in the past is too much for her right now. Because I’m not involved, you would be the best judge of whether or not you’re treating Kelly with love.”
Nick’s eyes slid shut. How did you treat someone with love when the only person you saw was yourself? Nick’s heart clenched in pain. He looked at his watch. It was only half past four. He still had time. He stood, and Roger asked where he was going.
“To make things right” was all Nick said, and after thanking Roger, he was swiftly on his way.
Kelly was dozing in a chair when Nick knocked on her door. It never occurred to her that he would return, so she was totally unsuspecting, but there he was, still dressed in his suit and holding an enormous bouquet of flowers. Kelly’s heart hurt just to look at him, and her voice was soft.
“You didn’t have to do this, Nick.”
“Yes, I did,” he told her, and then saw that his words had upset her. “I wanted to,” he rushed to say. “I wanted to buy these for you.”
Kelly looked up at him and then reached for the flowers.
“May I come in, Kelly?”
Kelly looked away. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Nick.” She still felt bruised.
“I have something to say,” he told her. “If you want me to leave after that, I will, but will you please hear me out?”
After a moment Kelly stepped aside. Nick entered and went to her living room but didn’t sit down. He paced nervously in the small space and then turned to her.
“I went to see Roger Foy,” he admitted. “I asked him if what you said was true, and it is, Kelly, it is. I never think of anyone but myself.”
Kelly had to bite her lip, or she was going to cry again. He looked so shaken and distressed. She had felt awful after he left, fearing that she had said something to make him doubt God’s love, and now to have him looking so vulnerable was almost too much for her. His next words threatened to break her heart.
“You’re my best friend, Kelly. Even as a kid I thought the concept of best friends was ridiculous, but I realized that’s just what you are. You care for me and listen to me, and I’ve just used you. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me, Kelly, but I’m sorry.”
“Oh, Nick, of course I forgive you, and I’m sorry I talked to you that way.”
“Don’t apologize, Kelly,” he said sternly. “You need to hold me accountable. If I’m not treating you well, you’d best tell me in a hurry.”
Kelly nodded and smiled at him. They talked for a few more minutes before he asked if she wanted to go for a bite to eat, but Nick was gracious when Kelly told him that it had been an emotional day and that she was going to turn in early. She had already cried so much that she had a headache, but the tears came again when Nick was gone
He says I’m his best friend, she told the Lord. I want to hear “I love you, Kelly” but find that I’m his best friend. I must move on, Lord. I’m waiting for Nick to love me, and that’s not going to happen. Please show me a way to survive this and grow. Please help me to still be there for Nick without losing my mind.
Kelly prayed in such a manner for more than an hour, and as sometimes happens, an affirmative answer came immediately. The phone rang as she was readying for bed. It was a young man who had been out of the area for a few years. He’d gotten her phone number from someone at church and wanted to know if she was free for dinner on Friday night. Kelly accepted before she could talk herself out of it, and even though her heart beat with anxiety, she was asleep five minutes after she’d climbed into bed.
Kelly leaned close to the mirror and examined the corners of her eyes for wrinkles. She was going to be 24 in a month and was convinced that she looked closer to 40. She was mumbling about what Peter would think of her when she heard the knock.
“Oh! Nick!” Kelly said as she opened the front door and then recovered swiftly. “How are you?”
“I’m all right,” he said as he came in, “but I need to talk to you about—” He stopped when he saw the way she was dressed. “Is this a bad time?”
“Well, actually I’m going to be leaving.”
“Oh.” Nick looked at ease. “I’ll go with you.”
“Well,” Kelly tried again, thinking she would cut her own hand off before she deliberately hurt him. “I’m going to dinner.”
“With Jill? She never minds when I come along.”
Kelly was still trying to frame a reply when a second knock sounded. She opened the door, and Peter was standing there. He was smiling, but his eyes looked uncertain when he saw Nick.
“Do I have the wrong night, Kelly?”
“No, Peter. Nick just needed to ask me something. You’ve met, haven’t you?”
“Of course,” Nick offered, stepping into the breach. He moved forward, shook Peter’s hand, and greeted him warmly. “We met at church on Sunday and then at men’s prayer breakfast this week. How are you?”
“Fine. Did I interrupt something?”
“No, no,” Nick assured him magnanimously, but Kelly thought he sounded odd. “I’ll catch Kelly on Sunday. You two have a good time.”
Goodbyes were said, and everyone went in opposite directions. Back in his car, Nick pulled away from the apartment building but drove only down the street to the parking lot of the grocery store, where he put the car in park and sat.
“She has a date,” he told the windshield. “She’s never had a date before. Peter is going to take her out to dinner. She’s not doing this to make me jealous since she wasn’t even going to tell me about it, so why am I jealous? Why do I feel like a child whose toy has been snatched away?” Nick’s brows drew together in self-directed anger, and this time he didn’t speak aloud.
She’s not a toy, Nick Hamilton, and you’re a fool to think of her in such a way. She’s a woman with needs, and you haven’t been there. If you don’t like her seeing someone else, then you’d better make your claim and treat her the way she deserves to be treated.
Nick’s pep talk continued for some minutes longer as he prayed and made plans.
Now sitting in a restaurant across from Peter, Kelly was totally unsuspecting that an intense man’s thoughts were consumed with her, and that he had plans to change their relationship entirely.
“Public library, this is Kelly. May I help you?”
“You most certainly may. You can take pity on me and have dinner with me tonight.”
Kelly smiled and laughed a little. It was a week after her date with Peter, and she hadn’t heard from Nick since that night. It was lovely to hear his voice.
“All right. What did you have in mind?”
“Let’s dress up.”
Kelly was sorry she’d asked. Her pocketbook really couldn’t take a “dress up” dinner, but she was given no time to reply.
“A call just came in, so I’ve got to go. I’ll pick you up at 6:30.” A moment later the connection was broken.
I’ll just have to tell him, Kelly told herself firmly, knowing even as she thought it that she probably never would.
Kelly knew that Nick had come directly from work when she stepped out of her apartment and saw that the limo was waiting. He had picked her up in this luxurious fashion from time to time, and it always caused a stir in her “old city” neighborhood.
They talked companionably for the next 20 minutes until Kelly realized the driver was taking them to the Parker Club. It was the most exclusive restaurant in San Francisco, and Kelly felt panic coming on. Nick was turning to say something to her, but she grabbed his arm.
“Oh, Nick, I should have said something. I can’t afford this. I mean, I really can’t! I couldn’t even get a soup or salad here, Nick. I’m sorry.”
“I’m taking care of this,” he cut in gently when Kelly paused for a breath, but she only panicked a little more.
“You don’t have to pay for my friendship, Nick. I’m sorry if I said anything that made you feel that way. You really don’t—” The words were effectively cut off when Nick gently grasped her jaw in one long-fingered hand, forcing Kelly’s eyes to look at him.
“I’m not trying to buy your friendship; you know me better than that. Now will you please let me do this?”
“My clothes—”
“Are fine,” Nick finished for her. “Now will you please let me buy you dinner?”
It took a moment more. Kelly’s eyes searched Nick’s in an effort to read his thoughts, and she finally nodded her consent. They climbed from the deep interior of the limo where Marcos, the driver, stood smiling at them. Nick spoke a few words to him and then took Kelly’s elbow and moved her to the entrance. They were treated like royalty. If Kelly’s dress and shoes were not up to par, no one even dared to notice since she was with Nicholas Hamilton.
The napkin was placed across her lap by a hovering waiter, and a menu the size of a road atlas was opened and offered into her hands. Kelly entertained the silly thought of being grateful that she’d done her nails when she got home and tried to ignore the fact that there were no prices. She was doing a lousy job of trying to act as though she belonged when one of Nick’s fingers curled over the top of her menu, and he pulled it down so he could see her face.
“Just as I thought,” he spoke gently, his eyes amused. “You’re about to panic.”
“I feel a little out of my depth, Nick. I’m sorry.”
The smile he gave her was very tender. “How hungry are you?”
“At the moment, I’m not hungry at all.”
Again the smile appeared as the menu was taken from her damp palms, and Nick’s finger went in the air. A waiter appeared as if by magic, and Nick ordered an appetizer and something to drink. That was it. He then began a conversation meant to soothe. It must have worked, because Kelly was halfway through the plate of tiny crab puffs before she remembered where she was.
“Where is your family, Kelly?” Nick asked at one point, having already confessed to the Lord that he’d never asked before.
“Well, I don’t really have any. I was raised in a series of foster homes until I was 12, and then I was placed with a family who kept me.”
“Where are they now?”
Kelly smiled. “In Brazil. They decided to go to the mission field when I finished high school. I saw them two years ago, and we write all the time.”
“Is it too painful to tell me why you were in foster homes?”
“No, but it’s a sad story. I was seven when my mother went to the store and never came home. I went to a neighbor who kept me until dinner, but she called the police when darkness fell. They were able to track some of my mother’s movements. Earlier that day she was seen going into a bar and then later getting into a man’s car, but that was the end of the trail. They don’t think she was forced, and later I realized she had never planned to return.”
“That is sad,” Nick said, his voice low. “I can’t imagine her leaving you alone.” Suddenly his face turned very serious. “But I’ve done that often enough, haven’t I?”
Kelly didn’t answer.
“No more, Kelly,” he told her almost fiercely. “I’m not going to treat you like that any longer.”
Kelly had dreamed of how it might be to have Nick’s intensity directed at her, and now that it had happened, she found it a little frightening. He wanted to know everything about her. And the way he looked at her! Kelly felt like a rocket had shot up her spine.
“Have you always had red hair?”
“Yes. Although it’s gotten darker. Occasionally someone would ask me where I got it, and I would say that the postman delivered it.”
Nick laughed. “Your father?”
“I never knew him. I had an uncle who came to visit me once, but he didn’t stay for more than a few minutes. I was told later that he was really looking for my mother. What is your family like, Nick? I mean, you’ve talked about them some, but only in reference to salvation.”
“Well, my brother Tony is saved, I think you knew that. He doesn’t go to our church, but he was the one who introduced me to Roger. Anyway, he’s two years younger than I am, and then there’s Kevin, and the youngest is my sister, B.J.”
“And your folks live in the Bay Area too?”
“Yes, in Burlingame. I grew up there.”
“How did you get to San Francisco?”
“I went to law school at Stanford, and when a job opened up here, I jumped at it.”
The whole evening continued this way. Nick ordered items off the menu one at a time, and they talked. They learned things about each other they’d never known before, and the hours flew. Kelly started to yawn over dessert, and Nick knew it was time to call it a night. He held her hand on the way home and walked her to her door. Kelly thanked him quietly, and Nick only leaned against the jamb and stared at her face. He didn’t know exactly when he’d fallen for this woman, but his heart was gone. Right now he couldn’t remember saying he was not the marrying kind. He finally bid Kelly goodnight and wandered back to the limo. It was a good thing Marcos was driving; he’d have never found the way home.
“This is the book I’m reading right now,” Nick mentioned as he entered his own kitchen where Kelly was in the process of making a green salad. Roger, Jana, Russell, and Jill were all coming to dinner, and Kelly had come early to help. She looked at the title and then at the man holding it.
“You’re reading a book about sexual happiness in marriage?”
“Yes. I’ve read two, and this is my third.”
Incredulous, Kelly stared at him, the salad forgotten.
“Why?” she finally managed.
“Well, it’s important.”
“For what?”
“For marriage,” he told her simply and frowned at her lack of understanding.
“You’re getting married?”
Now he really frowned. “Of course I’m getting married.”
Kelly put the lettuce down and started to turn away. Nick caught her hand, but she would not come to him. In fact, she pulled her hand away and moved to the other side of the island to put some space between them.
She looked at him squarely and asked quietly, “Whom are you marrying?”
“Whom am I marrying?” he nearly shouted at her. “I’m marrying you!” His eyes were huge with shock, but Kelly didn’t feel like laughing.
“Were you going to let me in on this?”
“Kelly,” he responded in his lawyer’s voice, “I talked to you about this; I know I did.”
“A woman,” she began with a measured tone, “does not forget when a man has talked marriage to her. You haven’t said a thing, Nick.”
He looked totally bewildered, his mouth opening and closing, but at that moment the doorbell rang. Kelly was completely shaken and stayed in the kitchen. She heard Nick greet both couples and then show them into the living room. When he got back to the kitchen, Kelly was once again working over the salad. Nick came up and put his arms around her. It was the first time he’d done anything more than hold her hand. Kelly turned in his embrace.
“You don’t want to marry me,” he stated softly.
“I didn’t say that, Nick; I just said you didn’t ask me.”
“And if I asked you now?”
Kelly looked into his eyes. “There’s a little fear in me that I’m just what you’re into right now. I worry that as soon as we’re married, and that’s taken care of, I’ll be yesterday’s news.”
“Then we need to wait awhile,” he told her immediately, “so I can show you that’s not going to happen.”
“And you’re willing to wait?”
“Forever,” he told her and leaned to kiss her for the first time.
Kelly’s heart sighed. How long had she waited and prayed for this, and now her heart was uncertain.
“Are you going to be all right?” Nick wanted to know.
Kelly nodded and looked into his eyes. What she saw there gave her hope and joy. I am going to be fine, she told herself. In fact, everything is going to be wonderful.
“You’re being intense, Nick,” Kelly told her husband of almost two years. It was certainly not the first time she had said it during that time, but he always took it in and tried to adjust; indeed, she was very proud of the man he had become.
“How am I being intense this time?”
“I know you have a thirst for knowledge, but I think 15 books on the growth and development of infants is a little extreme.”
“Yes, it is,” he agreed with her.
Kelly now had to fight laughter. “And then yesterday you told the doctor that I always sleep on my right side and asked if I should switch to my left.”
He looked very contrite.
She was smiling when she said, “I worry about you, Nick. The baby isn’t due for two weeks, and I’m not sure you’re going to make it.”
Nick nodded. “Roger talked to me about it too.”
“He did?” Kelly was surprised.
“Yes. Lately it’s all I’ve talked about, and he’s come to recognize the signs.”
Kelly reached up and cupped his cheek. Nick covered his hand with her own, and they leaned simultaneously to kiss. It was during this lovely distraction that Kelly’s first pain hit. She jerked and looked so surprised that Nick nearly panicked.
“What is it?”
“I think I’m starting labor.”
“It’s not supposed to happen yet,” Nick exclaimed, voicing Kelly’s own thoughts as the pain subsided. With an effort, Kelly very calmly reminded him that this might not be the real thing.
However, she was wrong. Four hours later Kelly was in so much constant pain that Nick was calling the doctor and rushing her to the hospital. Forty-five minutes after they arrived, Kelly delivered a beautiful baby girl. She was round and pink, and her parents were utterly taken with her. For the first time Kelly had a taste of what intensity felt like.
“Have you ever seen anything so tiny in your whole life?” The new mother asked as she held up the baby’s right pinky for inspection. Nick enjoyed the tiny digit as well, but Kelly suddenly covered the small hand with her own.
“I can’t stand the thought that she’ll go off to school in a few years, Nick. And then after that, the time will just race.” She looked at the hand again. “Some man will put a ring on this finger and take her away from us forever.”
Kelly nearly had herself in tears, but Nick was just barely holding his laughter.
“How dare you laugh at this, Nicholas Hamilton!”
“Kelly,” Nick gasped when he could hold it in no longer. “Which one of us is being intense now?”
Kelly’s mouth dropped open with surprise, and then she laughed herself. Her whole body convulsed, causing the baby to start. She finished with a long sigh, her eyes on her husband.
“I never really understood, did I?”
“No, but that’s all right. A little intensity is good, especially for each other, and a lot of intensity is great, if it’s directed toward Christ.” They smiled at each other, and Nick said, “We’ll just keep at it, Kelly, until we both get it right.”
They leaned across their daughter and kissed. The nurse headed into the room to check on Kelly and the baby, backed out slowly, and closed the door behind her.
“Aren’t you going in?” another nurse in the hall asked.
“No. They’re having a little time with their baby, and what I need to do can wait.”
The other nurse smiled. “It’s like that with all first-time parents. Intense for a time, but then it passes.”
Kelly’s nurse didn’t comment as the other woman moved off, but she didn’t agree. The experienced nurse had seen something special in that room over the last few hours. She couldn’t have put a name to it, but she knew it wasn’t going to pass away.
A Note from Lori: Having grown up in Santa Rosa, California, I’ve spent many hours in San Francisco. I lived in California until I was 26 years old, so I’ve experienced the cable cars, dined in the wharf area, seen the aquarium and the Exploratorium, and of course, gone down Lombard Street. In fact, I recently did some of those things with my own children. I’m not familiar with all of “The City” as locals call it, and San Francisco has done a lot of changing, but it was fun to picture Nick and Kelly in the city I remember.
