Mack’s hand rested on the doorknob, and he took a deep breath. It was time to clear the air with Charlotte. He turned the knob and pushed the door open just a crack. He put his lips to the opening to speak. “Char, it’s Mack. I’m coming in.”
He stood by the door and waited for a response that didn’t come. Charlotte was fooling herself if she thought he’d go away if she pretended to be asleep. He stepped into the room and turned the light on next to the bed, expecting to see her there. She wasn’t. Fear lanced his chest. Where was she? Had someone gotten to her?
A sound came from the bathroom, and he let out a sigh. His heart was pounding as he lowered himself to the bed and braced his hands on his knees. This case was getting to him, and so was this woman. He was about to do something he’d never done before, and the mere idea of being that open with someone scared him.
The bathroom door opened, and he lifted his head to come face-to-face with Char wrapped in a towel and nothing else. Her long hair was damp around the edges but hung free without a tie.
“Mack? Wha—what are you doing in here?” He noticed her hands pull the towel a little tighter around herself, but it was too late. He was already imagining her without it.
“We need to talk, Char.”
“Not tonight, Mack. We’re both tired, and Cal is giving us a chance to get some sleep.”
“This won’t take long,” he promised, standing and taking the robe off the bathroom door. He held it out for Charlotte to slip her arms in, and she stared him down for a solid minute before she turned her back and slid one arm into the robe. She grasped the towel with that hand and slipped her other one in, tying it around her before letting the towel fall.
She may be good at keeping herself hidden, but he saw her and liked all of her. She was wrong if she thought he didn’t notice her beautiful skin that glowed in the light of the lamp or the swell of her breasts from under the towel. He noticed all of her, the good and what she thought was bad, but he knew he wanted all of her. He was positive convincing Char of that would be more difficult than it should be.
He hung the towel on the bathroom doorknob and motioned for her to sit on the bed. “What do you want, Mack?” she asked, her fingers toying with the bathrobe’s belt.
“I want to talk. You said could have, should have and would have are dangerous because they’re past tense.”
Char lifted her gaze to his. “So?”
“I talked to Eric, and he said some things that surprised me about the mission that day.”
“Things like it wasn’t your fault, and you did nothing wrong?”
“That and how others could have died, including me, had I opened the other door to load the family for the transport.”
“I suppose he’s not wrong,” she agreed. “I hadn’t thought of that.”
“Surprisingly, during all these years, neither had I. There were so many situations in that sandbox that should have killed me. Do you know about Hannah?”
“Cal’s girlfriend in the army?” she asked, and he nodded. “Marlise told me she was killed, and Cal was shot.”
“I was there. I killed the insurgent who was firing those bullets at my friends. Cal recovered and returned to the team, but he was never the same. Then the transport happened, and we all left for good.”
“And started Secure One. There were worse things you could have done, Mack.”
“Cal started Secure One,” he clarified. “First, he worked as a mercenary and weapons expert for a few years while I wallowed.”
“You wallowed?”
“In self-pity,” he said, leaning down and loosening the laces on his boots. He lifted his pant leg, loosened the Velcro strap around his calf, and pulled his foot out. Immediately, his toes pointed to the floor while he pulled the sock off. He did the same on the other side until both feet were sock free and resting on the floor. “I went from running miles daily to barely walking to the bathroom with a walker, Char. The self-pity was strong, but the self-hatred was stronger. It was Cal and Eric who finally forced me to face the truth. This was my life now.” He motioned at his feet, then lifted them up again. They hung down, his big toes touching the floor. “No amount of working out will make my feet move again. No matter how long I stare at them, I’ll never be able to raise my toes off the floor the way you do. Willpower won’t make the muscles, nerves and tendons all work together again. I had to face the truth, accept it and move forward with the hand I’d been dealt. Or in this case, foot.”
She turned to face him. “You’re trying to say I need to accept my past so I can find a new life.”
“No, not at all,” he said with a shake of his head. “I’m trying to say it’s okay to want a new life. For the longest time, I thought these scars held me back from life. Then I turned the scars around and used them for good.”
“They reminded you that there are bad people in the world who need to be stopped.” He nodded, and she couldn’t hide her grimace. “That’s the problem, Mack. I’m one of those bad people you’ve worked to stop.”
He tipped her chin up with his finger until she was forced to hold his gaze. “That’s not true, Char. You’re not a bad person.”
“I’ve done a lot of bad things. Things that go against who you are and what you believe, Mack. I’ve run drugs, been an escort and even had to, you know.”
Her gaze hit the floor again, and he rested his forehead against hers. “I do know, but the difference is you didn’t do any of those things because you wanted to. You did those things because you had to. I understand the difference, Char. The fact that you’re here tonight tells me that you’re inherently a good person. You want to help others and rid the world of people like The Madame who prey on innocent people.”
“I do, but I still did those other things, Mack. Being with someone like me goes against everything you believe in.”
He was silent, simply gazing into her eyes from where he rested against her forehead. “Did you want to do those things?”
“Of course not!” she exclaimed, jumping up and falling into the bathroom door. Mack steadied her, but she ripped her elbow from his grip to walk to the chair in the corner. “I did what I had to do to survive.”
He moved his boots aside and stood, readying himself for something he’d never done before. He was about to be vulnerable with someone he only wanted to be strong for. He took an exaggerated step, lifting his thigh high to clear the floor of his toes that hung down. His foot made a “thwap” as it landed back on the hardwood floor. The same happened with the other leg, back and forth, until he stood before her.
“That’s all any of us can do, Char. I don’t believe in killing people, but I still had to do it in the army. I’m technically a murderer. Does that mean I’m a bad person?”
“No,” she whispered, staring at her lap. “You were protecting innocent people and us at home, Mack. Nothing you did in the service can be considered bad if you followed orders.”
“Then I say we level the playing field when it comes to you and me.” He sat on the ottoman in front of her and took her hands.
“How?” she asked, lifting her head to gaze into his eyes. He got so lost in the depths of her blue ones that he fought to answer her.
“We consider ourselves equals.”
“But we’re not!” she exclaimed. “You’re so much more than I am, Mack. You deserve so much more than I can offer you in this life. You need to leave, please.”
She hung her head again, but he didn’t leave. He leaned forward and did what he’d wanted to do since he first laid eyes on her. He kissed her. Her lips were soft, and she tasted of stolen innocence. She went stock still the moment their lips connected. He waited, his lips on hers, to see if she would find a way past her fear to enjoy the kiss. He worried she would force herself to kiss him because that was what she thought she had to do. He wanted the first, but if the second happened, he’d stop the kiss until she learned the difference.
Instead, she pulled away and brought her hands to her lips. “What are you doing?”
“Kissing you,” he answered. The truth was simple. It was the acceptance that was hard.
“Why?”
“I want to, Char. I’ve wanted to kiss you since the day I met you.”
“You’re just saying that to get me to kiss you back.”
His sigh was heavy when he shook his head. “No, I’m not, but I understand why you feel that way. It’s hard to be vulnerable.” He held up his pants legs to show her the scars, pitting and missing flesh from his calves. “But being vulnerable also requires bravery and courage. I didn’t want to take my boots off and show you these scars. I’m as vulnerable as I can get when my legs are bare. It’s hard to trust someone with the parts of you that you’re ashamed of, but sometimes, the right person teaches you how to accept them and lose the shame.”
He stood and walked to the bed, his high steppage gait leaving a slapping sound on the floor with every footfall. He bent, picked up his boots in one hand and grabbed the bedpost to steady himself.
“Where are you going?”
“To my room to get some sleep, you should too.”
Mack took two steps and stopped when she moved in front of the door. “You aren’t going to try to kiss me again?”
“No, Char. The next time I kiss you, it will be because you asked me to.”
She was silent, and they faced off. Mack could see the turmoil in her eyes. For a moment, he felt terrible for putting it there. Then that emotion disappeared, and a new one replaced it. Pride. He had given her something to think about—she could change her life if she found a way to be vulnerable again. It wouldn’t be easy for her after what she’d been through, but she would be better because of it.
“Aren’t you going to put your boots on? You never let anyone see you without them.”
Mack glanced down at the boots and then back to her. “No. I’m no longer ashamed of my legs, Char. Your drawing was the reason I could be vulnerable here tonight. When I saw the expression you’d drawn, it was how I feel inside every day. That’s the fear I have of someone thinking I’m less because of these. The words you wrote about my legs were validation about something I couldn’t change. If I couldn’t change it, I shouldn’t feel ashamed.” He walked to the door and turned the knob when she stepped out of the way. “Thank you for giving me that little piece of myself back. I’d love to have the drawing when and if you’re ready to part with it. Get some sleep, Char. Tomorrow will be another long day.”
He bent down and kissed her cheek before he left her room and walked down the hallway, waiting to hear her shut the door. She never did.