A moment after Spynosaur tore the lock off the attaché case with his teeth, the case sprang open – and out leaped a screaming monkey dressed in a black spy-suit.
“Danger Monkey?” blurted Spynosaur as the monkey latched on to Spynosaur’s face and began pummelling it with tiny fists.
PAP-AP-AP-AP!
“Lock me up, willya?” screamed the monkey madly. “I’ll knock yer teeth into next-door’s garden! I’ll slap yer socks inside out! I’ll judo-toss yer legs over yer neck!”
With a shake of his great head, Spynosaur flung Danger Monkey across the room. The monkey bounced along the ground before leaping to his feet again.
“I’ll play xylophone on yer funny bone! I’ll chew on yer fatty bits! I’ll stub yer toe!” Danger Monkey howled. Then he reached his hand behind his back.
“I’ll— I’ll— WAOOAH!”
“Umm,” began Amber. “Is he about to do what I think he’s about to—”
“He’s got a whole handful!” shrieked Newfangle. “And he’s not afraid to use it!”
“Duck and cover!” M11 barked.
“Danger Monkey, stop!” Spynosaur cried. “You may have had your brainwaves transferred into the body of a spider monkey following an unfortunate incident with a punctured parachute and a pool of piranhas, but that doesn’t mean you should give in to animal instincts!”
Amber was panicking that her dad would ask her to sing that song to calm the monkey down, when:
“S-Spyno? Spyno, me ol’ china!” Danger Monkey suddenly cried, pausing mid-toss. “Sorry ’bout losin’ me cool back there – I thought you was Ergo Ego. That pain in the tail locked me up in there…”
“Why would Ego lock you in a case?” asked Amber.
The monkey squared up to her. “You callin’ me a liar? Tryin’ to make a monkey outta me?” he growled, brandishing his handful of excrement. “I’ll dip me tail in chilli sauce and stick it in yer ear!”
“Enough! Report, Danger Monkey!” barked M11. “What happened to you?”
“Ego rumbled me, Boss … he caught me midspy,” explained Danger Monkey, clearly irked. “He tempted me inside that case with a nice, juicy banana. Stinkin’ fruit must’ve been drugged, ’cos next thing I know, I’m waking up in the dark. Curse me uncontrollable cravin’ for bananas!” He glared at Newfangle. “I s’pose that’s what comes with ’avin’ yer brainwaves put into a monkey instead of a dinosaur…”
“For the last time, Danger Monkey, I had no choice!” insisted Newfangle. “It’s not easy growing a dinosaur, even with the almost limitless power of the Science Ray … not to mention trying to retro-engineer Ergo Ego’s brain-box technology. But rest assured, just because you are not a dinosaur does not make you any less extraordinary. Allow me to explain, in the best way I know…”
“Not this again, Newfangle!” growled M11. “We don’t have time for your—”
Newfangle pressed a button on the wall and it slid aside to reveal a brightly lit stage, complete with a microphone stand and backing dancers in white coats. Newfangle hopped on to the stage, and so began:
“Blast it to smithereens! Have you quite finished, Doctor?” snapped M11.
“So you see, Danger Monkey? Spy-ence made you super-special!” added Newfangle, dropping the mic and hopping down from the stage.
“Special? What are you talkin’ about? That was just about how awesome dinosaurs are! Monkeys don’t even get a mention!” screeched Danger Monkey, holding his fistful of foulness aloft. “I’ve got a good mind to fling this right in your—”
“Um, I don’t mean to interrupt,” Amber interrupted. “But is your poo … flashing?”
Everyone’s eyes darted to Danger Monkey’s hand. Sure enough, the handful of excrement was blinking with a faint red light.
“Well spotted, poppet,” said Spynosaur. He cautiously reached a claw into the poo and pulled out a small piece of plastic, illuminated at one end by a flashing light.
“Who put that in there?” growled Danger Monkey. “Nobody messes with my mess!”
“It’s a data drive … hidden inside that drugged banana you ate, no doubt,” said Spynosaur, carrying it at arm’s length over to a bank of computers. He plugged it in. An image appeared simultaneously on every screen in the room.
“Ergo Ego!” cried Amber. The egg-shaped head of their arch-enemy loomed large on the screens.
“Is this recording?” Ego began. “I can never work these things… Do I have to press something? You would think an evil genius could fathom how to—Wait, wait, I’ve got it. OK…” Ergo Ego sat back in his chair and cleared his throat. “Greetings, dummies of Department 6! So, I bet you totally thought the McGuffin was in that attaché case, didn’t you?
I bet you were all, ‘Hey, we totally found the super-secret weapon! I can’t believe Ego just left it here – what a stupid head!’ But no! It is your heads that are stupid!”
“What you sayin’ about my ’ead?” growled Danger Monkey. “I’ll boil-wash your underpants and give you a wedgie! I’ll break out me watercolours an’ paint an unflatterin’ portrait of ya!”
“Quiet!” insisted M11. “Ego may be about to needlessly explain his next move!”
“But … since you are so keen to find the real super-secret weapon, I have arranged a demonstration of its power,” Ego continued. “Tonight the world will witness my McGuffin in all its glory! And you won’t even know until it’s too late, you stupid heads!”
“What are we going to do?” said Amber. “He could be anywhere in the world! How do we know where he’s going to—”
“Venice, Italy,” said Spynosaur. “That’s where Ego plans to unleash his weapon.”
“How’d you work that out?” said Danger Monkey, scratching his head, among other things.
“It’s very simple … from the tone of his voice, Ego’s mouth was numb from cold – a clear sign that he’s been eating ice cream,” explained Spynosaur. “Ice cream goes well with cheesecake. Cheesecake contains no cheese. ‘No cheese’ sounds like ‘Noches’, which is ‘night’ in Spanish. In Spain, the rain falls mainly on the plain. ‘Plain’ crisps are merely salted. Salt is accompanied by its less popular counterpart, pepper. ‘Pepper’ makes you sneeze. The longest sneezing spree lasted nine hundred and seventy-eight days. And nine hundred and seventy-eight is the favourite number of the King of Italy … who is hosting a masquerade ball at his grand palace tonight. A perfectly public place for Ego to unleash his McGuffin.”
“Wait… What?” said Amber.
“You’re right, poppet, it’s almost too obvious – I barely had to use my spy skills at all,” added Spynosaur. “It’s as if Ego wanted us to know his plans … but why?”
“There’s no time to question the whys and wherefores,” interrupted M11. “Ergo Ego’s going to unleash his McGuffin, Spynosaur. What are you going to do about it?”
Spynosaur raised a scaly eyebrow. “Save the day, of course,” he said. “Now somebody get me a cocktail dress…”