Relationships and Intimacy
Awakening Relationships
The youngest child in a Chinese family stands on the lowest rung of the social ladder. In my family I held that honor. As a little boy I was subject to the will of my elders, which included almost everyone I knew. I often found myself on the receiving end of a constant rush of instructions and warnings. Sometimes these orders were issued sweetly, and sometimes as a stern rebuke, but either way, a distinct willfulness came through in all adults’ dealings with me.
But there was one adult who related to me differently from all the others: Xiao Yao. From the very beginning, the kind man who became my master addressed me with his undivided, wholehearted attention and expressed himself in a gentle manner that was free of coercion and unspoken demands. As an adult he was entitled to boss me around and rely on his social leverage to control my actions, but he never did.
Being in my master’s presence was always an illuminating experience. The space that opened up around us felt vibrant and full of beautiful energy that was charged with magical possibilities. His personality was like a fine mist that lifted out of a calm, peaceful sea, and each time he expressed himself, our relationship space brightened. That space was continually awake, alive, and teeming with spiritual powers that brought out the best in me. I loved being around him.
One of the most important lessons I learned from Xiao Yao was the value of awakening relationships. Growing up as a student, and then as a teacher, I discovered that any time two people interact in a relationship illuminated by awareness, they develop an instant connection and feel unified and whole. Those individuals can be two strangers discussing the weather, two friends sharing a joke, or a bride and groom exchanging their wedding vows. In all three scenarios they would each feel the same liberating openness, flow, and peacefulness permeating the space around them.
In contrast, when two people interact in an “unawakened” relationship, they each feel inherently divided, separate, and apart, even if they like or love each other very much. That gap is usually bridged by endless chatter, the buzz of constant activities, and especially by avoiding silence, because once the talking stops, both people become self-conscious and begin to drift apart like two icebergs in an ever-widening sea.
There is a simple test that we can perform to determine whether a relationship is awakened: the test of silence. In the midst of a conversation unexpected moments of silence arise. In an awakened relationship those pauses are comfortable moments that we settle into with ease, and we are then able to maintain a satisfying connection throughout the silence. On the other hand, when an extended pause arises in an unawakened relationship, we grow uncomfortable, so we feel compelled to fill the void of silence with mindless words or superficial activity.
Consider the most important relationship in your own life. Does silence unify you with that other person or divide you from one another? Can you identify any relationship in which silence thrives? If so, that relationship probably stands out as special.
Modern culture doesn’t condition us to relate to each other with Awakened Awareness, so the notion of grounding a relationship in silence may sound odd or even rude. Perhaps you have never actually experienced an awakened relationship. Or perhaps you already possess an awakened nature, so holding silence in relationships comes naturally to you. Either way, intentionally awakening a relationship is a skill that can be learned and refined.
So how do we awaken a relationship? We usually don’t pay much attention to silence as it arises in a conversation—any more than we notice the space between the notes when we listen to music. But the way to start is by paying attention to those pauses and seeding them with awareness. Simply become aware of your own awareness for a fraction of a second each time a conversation comes to a natural resting place. Then, after a while, Awakened Awareness will naturally expand beyond the pauses and envelop one or two words, and then a whole sentence. Eventually, the light of awareness will illuminate the entire conversation. There is no need to tell the other person what you are doing. Allow the process to unfold organically.
How can you tell that you are on the right track? You become more centered and peaceful; the space around you opens up; you are able to channel more wisdom, love, and vitality into that space; and everything you say and do now becomes more meaningful. The overall quality of the relationship improves greatly as well.
When both people interact with Awakened Awareness, awareness is intensified like two mirrors facing each other, reflecting the same light. In that mutually illuminated space even the slightest gesture of kindness or appreciation, both given and received, becomes a divine act. Such a relationship then becomes a shared, mystical experience that transforms normal social discourse into a sacred ritual.
Nowhere does the glistening purity of a mutually awakened relationship become more evident than in the context of a love interest. In fact, when we fall in love we naturally awaken awareness. That’s what makes falling in love so special. No effort is required for that relationship space to awaken in mutuality. The process unfolds organically. In the presence of the beloved we slip into timeless moments of dreamy silence, we take pleasure in nothingness, and when a single word or the slightest gesture ripples through that peacefulness, we revel in divine joy.
The one instance in which most people living a modern lifestyle are likely to glimpse that type of enlightenment is when they fall in love. Indeed, popular culture treats the experience of falling in love with the same reverence traditional societies once reserved for spiritual illumination. Ironically, these two experiences are quite similar, the main difference being that in one case we awaken alone, while in the other we awaken in mutuality.
The mystery of love has become the path to salvation in the modern world. No longer do we project paradise into the afterlife as past generations did; we project it into a relationship. We pursue a love interest with religious fervor and envision our relationships in terms that were once used to describe Heaven. But all too often, what begins as a journey to paradise ends up as a voyage into Hell.
We place high hopes on finding eternal happiness through love, but our quest is elusive. The love songs and romantic movies we adore serve the same functions as religious scriptures once did. And these “Gospels of Relationships” warn us that love is fickle and temperamental—that just as easily as we can fall in love, love can also fade away.
Several generations ago our ancestors lived in a more traditional culture that did not place the same high hopes that we do on love and relationships. Therefore, we can’t lean on the past for guidance on ways to cultivate an intimate relationship in which the promise of love is kept alive through time. So it is up to us to create a new model to sustain love in a relationship, one that can accommodate the divinity we secretly yearn to kindle through love.
Keeping Love Alive
Falling in love is easy; staying in love is hard. Despite the heavenly hopes we place on a relationship early on, we are often let down. Our partners don’t live up to our expectations. Our relationship needs are not satisfied. Sometimes we end one relationship and then move on to the next, sometimes we stay in a numbing relationship by force of habit, and sometimes we are trapped in a relationship nightmare with seemingly no way out.
These unsavory outcomes are often the consequence of a relationship between two people who are energetically imbalanced. When we lack spiritual integration—when our Four Golden Wheels are imbalanced—we tend to attract partners who complement our energetic “lopsidedness.” Initially this feels good to both partners, who each fill their respective energetic deficiencies like two matching pieces of a puzzle, and so the relationship makes them feel more happy and complete.
But this kind of happiness is artificial and temporary. At some point the stresses of daily living will buckle that relationship. And given enough pressure, the two puzzle pieces will snap apart, and both partners’ Four Golden Wheels will return to their original imbalanced condition. When that happens, the “Garden of Love” often transforms into a murky swamp of malevolence, resentment, and hate.
Let’s illustrate this process with a concrete example. Imagine a man with a relatively strong Upper Dantian and a relatively weak Middle Dantian. He is wise and insightful, but he lacks emotional depth. At a party he meets a woman who complements his energetic profile. She has a relatively strong Middle Dantian and a relatively weak Upper Dantian. She is loving and kind but lacks discernment and vision. As the evening progresses, a strong energetic attraction builds. He asks her out. She accepts.
On their first date, he helps her sort out complications she is experiencing at work with some good advice. She appreciates his guidance and reciprocates with genuine gratitude, which makes him feel good. Energetically, through that exchange, they compensated for each other’s most basic needs. He gave her wisdom and she gave him love. This exchange made them both feel integrated and whole. By the end of the evening they have grown close and both are feeling the glimmer of love.
Now fast-forward five years. The couple is married and the energetic pattern that was seeded on their first date is now deeply engrained. The husband has become the pillar of his wife’s wisdom, and the wife has become the source of her husband’s love. While this relationship provides them both with a sense of stability, it also limits their individual expression. He can’t relate to her as an equal in matters associated with the Upper Dantian, and she can’t relate to him as an equal in matters associated with the Middle Dantian. Inwardly he is mentally frustrated with her, and she, too, is emotionally unsatisfied with him.
At this stage in the relationship, love and resentment coexist. Both partners appreciate the relationship for what it has to offer, but they also both simultaneously begrudge its limitations. But for better or worse, they stay together.
Six months pass. Then the man’s business suffers unexpected losses and goes bankrupt. He is disoriented and unsure what to do next. As the wife senses her husband’s Upper Dantian confusion, she panics and becomes emotionally distraught. The husband senses the contraction of his wife’s Middle Dantian, and his own heart tightens in response.
During this time of crisis, their innermost needs go unmet. He can’t provide her with guidance, and she can’t provide him with love. They bicker and grow further apart. Slowly, the energetic bonds that first held them together unfasten.
The situation worsens, and one day a terrible fight breaks out. Hurtful words are spoken and each walks away feeling betrayed by the other. The happiness that once bonded them together has now turned into malicious hate.
But what might have happened in this same situation if both partners awakened and empowered their own Four Golden Wheels? Imagine the same couple, only this time both individuals are spiritually integrated. He is wise, loving, and vital and so is she. Before they meet, each person is already happy and whole. Then they meet at that same party, begin to date, and marry. Their relationship unfolds in awakened space, and they fill that space with an abundance of uplifting spiritual energy.
They develop mutual respect for each other’s opinions, and they come together to solve problems. They develop deep care for their mutual feelings and work through emotional issues with mutual understanding, sensitivity, and patience. They support each other’s ambitions with enthusiastic vitality and inspire one another to manifest their dreams.
Then the same crisis breaks out and the husband’s business falters. But instead of panicking, the wife is now able to support him emotionally and offers him good, sound guidance without making demands or losing faith. Together they figure out a way to ride through the storm, and eventually they are guided to another business opportunity. As a result of overcoming this challenge, their mutual trust deepens and their relationship blossoms.
In a relationship between two energetically balanced individuals, adversity often strengthens the bond of love. But that’s not the end of the story. If we wish to dramatically increase the chances of a relationship thriving over the long term, we also need to consider the element of sexual intimacy.
Sex, Lovemaking, Sacred Bliss, and Cosmic Ecstasy
Mention the word sex and eyes widen and ears perk up. The strong reaction the subject arouses reflects the spicy nature of sexual energy. We may be at the gym feeling tired and depleted, but if someone we find attractive starts working out next to us, our energy level is suddenly boosted. That energetic intensification represents the activation of our Lower Dantian, which holds our sexual energy in reserve.
Pure sexual energy is as unstable as dynamite and just as explosive. It can transport us to sublime states of bliss and delight or cast us into the darkest pits of anguish, terror, and depravity. The volatile and wild nature of sexual energy convinced some religious traditions to view it as an impediment to spiritual development, and to some degree this belief still continues to perpetuate in the popular imagination because of the confusion, heartache, and pain that sexual intimacy can cause.
To demonstrate this, rank the following three words from the most to the least spiritual: wisdom, love, sex. If we took a poll, the top position might be a toss-up between wisdom and love, but without a doubt sex would rank last on the list. No one questions the connection between spirituality and love or spirituality and wisdom. But the link between spirituality and sexuality is a harder sell.
From the Qigong perspective, however, the notion that sexuality and spirituality are antithetical is misguided because sexual energy forms one of the cornerstones of happiness. If we ever hope to secure long-lasting happiness in a loving relationship, we must heal our socially conditioned distortions about sexuality. We must erase the invisible line we draw with our minds around our beltlines, above which lies the greater part of human nature and below which lies the lesser. In essence, we must spiritualize sex.
But how do we redeem sexuality and elevate it to the spiritual status it deserves? How do we reconcile the square of sex with the circle of spirit when sexual pleasure is often responsible for so much shame, trauma, and pain? One place to begin searching for an answer to these questions lies in identifying the fundamental, seemingly irreconcilable differences between male and female sexuality. Those differences swiftly become apparent in the bedroom.
Stereotypically, male sexual energy flares up and is exhausted quickly, like a match, while female sexual energy boils slowly and remains hot for a long time, like a pot of boiling water. These different tempos are a source of shame for men who climax too fast and frustration for women who may not climax at all. This problem is then compounded by the notorious fact that when male sexual energy is activated men often become emotionally unavailable, and the other notorious fact that the female sexual experience is often laden with sentimentalism that men normally can’t relate to.
Most of us will recognize that the male and female sexual organs dance to different rhythms, and that disharmony between them often results in misunderstandings and disappointment. But why would nature engineer genitals that are physically complementary yet psychologically and energetically at odds? An answer to this question begins to emerge when we envision the sexual dynamics of protohumans in the context of their natural habitat.
Imagine the East African grasslands, springtime, three million years ago. The mating call of an elephant splinters the silence. In a fertile valley with budding trees and flowers, a small scattering of bipedal hominids that look like walking chimpanzees are also participating in their yearly mating rituals. We zoom in on an ovulating female on a grassy patch. A male spots her. She signals her interest, and he chases her around playfully. They frolic on the grass and then he mounts her. While they are sexually active, the male, in the dominant position, remains alert and attuned to any disturbing signs of danger such as an unusual sound or the scent of a lion. Within a few minutes the male climaxes and scurries off into the shrubbery. To ensure conception, the female repeats the same scenario with different partners. Summertime arrives. The female gives birth and affectionately nurses her newborn. Another link in the chain of life has been successfully forged.
Now let’s examine the evolutionary basis for the differences between male and female sexual instincts in the light of this illustration. In an environment teeming with dangerous predators, male sexuality evolved a speedy climax and emotional detachment for a practical reason: to ensure survival. Females, on the other hand, evolved the capacity to remain sexually receptive indefinitely in order to increase the odds of conceiving, and they evolved a strong emotional bond to ensure the survival of their offspring. Plausibly, male sexuality evolved to safeguard the survival of the self, while female sexuality evolved to safeguard the survival of the other. These two complementary survival strategies were perfectly matched to life conditions in the evolutionary past. They got us to “here” successfully. But our life conditions have changed. We no longer need to worry about wild predators stalking us during intimacy. As mature human beings, we seek a more intimate and meaningful form of sexuality, one that transcends instinctual biological drives aimed solely at procreation. A modern woman desires to be satisfied both physically and emotionally by her partner, and ideally, a modern man desires to live up to those expectations. But how do we overcome the limitation of sexual drives that were designed to serve a narrow purpose? How do we reconcile million-year-old sexual hardwiring with our modern values?
Obviously, we can’t alter our sexual instincts. What we can do, however, is use spiritual practice to overcome the limitations imposed by nature on our sexuality. In fact, we can transform the inherent mismatch between male and female sexuality into an incredible opportunity for spiritual growth.
Let’s begin by considering the way Qigong can help a man harness his sexual energy. When male sexual energy is aroused, it intensifies locally around the genitals and quickly flows out of the body. That is the natural pattern of male sexual energy. But men can learn to reverse that flow and direct their sexual essence upward, toward the Middle Dantian. By doing so, a man accomplishes two goals. First, he diminishes the urge to ejaculate, and second, as sexual energy rises to his heart, passion blends with love and tenderness. A man who masters this skill is able to prolong intercourse indefinitely and deepen his emotional connection during lovemaking.
When female sexual energy is aroused, it naturally flows inward and upward from the genitals toward the heart. Stimulation of the breasts further activates the Middle Dantian and reinforces an emotional response. Unlike men, women don’t need to practice Qigong to integrate their sexual vitality with their love. These qualities mingle naturally, and in this respect, female sexuality is inherently more integrated.
But through spiritual practice both women and men can learn to integrate their sexual energy to even higher levels. Sexual vitality can be directed upward from the heart to the top of the head, where it becomes infused with the blissful quality of sacredness. And from there, sexual vitality can be circulated through the Central Meridian into the sky, where it is experienced as heavenly ecstasy.
The spectrum of intimacy that extends from sex, to lovemaking, to sacred intimacy, to cosmic ecstasy maps out perfectly on the Four Golden Wheels in the following way. Sexuality that centers on the genitals and the Lower Dantian corresponds to passionate sex. Sexuality that integrates the sexual vitality of the Lower Dantian with the heart-centered energy of the Middle Dantian corresponds to intense lovemaking. Sexuality that integrates all three dantians corresponds to blissful sacred love. And sexuality that integrates the all three dantians and the Central Meridian corresponds to cosmic ecstasy.
Cosmic ecstasy is vastly more intense, pleasurable, and meaningful than even the most passionate sex. Comparing the two is like contrasting a bathtub with the ocean.
The topic of Qigong and human sexuality is a broad and sensitive subject that deserves in-depth discussion. But if you wish, after mastering the exercises in this book, you can awaken your inner spiritual lover and start your journey toward cosmic ecstasy by practicing a modified version of Exercise 9: Breathing Empowerment of the Central Meridian. Here are the practice guidelines:
Begin the exercise in a state of light sexual arousal. To trigger that state, activate your sexual vitality by focusing on your genitals either mentally or through self-stimulation. Once you feel your sexual vitality percolating, direct this energy to your Lower Dantian to awaken your passion.
Next, direct this energy to your Middle Dantian. Blend passion and love to awaken the energy of lovemaking. Circulate this energy back and forth between the Lower Dantian and Middle Dantian nine times to strengthen the energetic charge.
Next, direct this new energetic blend to your Upper Dantian. Blend passion, love, and the feeling of sacredness to awaken the energy of blissful sacred love. Circulate this energy back and forth between the three Dantians nine times.
Next, direct this new energetic blend through the Central Meridian up into the sky and deep down into the earth. Blend passion, love, and sacredness with the feeling of being one with the universe to awaken cosmic ecstasy. Circulate this energy up and down your Central Meridan nine times.
When you finish, collect the energy you cultivated and store it in your Lower Dantian. Draw on this reserve when you want to enliven your presence and empower your relationship. If you and your partner both practice this exercise, shared space becomes a wellspring of unending delight, and intimacy becomes a source of blessing for your home.
There is no surer way to bring long-lasting happiness into an intimate relationship than to ground it in enduring bliss.