Secret location for dossier research, October 18th 2010
A few thoughts on the English team, based on my experience of playing in England, my own observations from my Test career but mainly some stuff that I overheard Steve Waugh saying on the golf course when I was caddying for him this morning.
The key thing to remember about your English cricketer is that he is, above all, English. Put another way, he is not Australian – with all that entails. Your classic English cricketer will not look you in the eye, has terrible body language, bad teeth and slightly small feet. He is vulnerable to the short ball, feeds only at night, and would sell his mates down the river for a gin and tonic. He hates dogs, plays the viola and sent our ancestors to their death at Gallipoli while he sat reading poetry and twirling his moustache. This team is full of that exact sort of Englishman.
To be more specific:
ANDREW STRAUSS: Solid guy. Left-hander. Get him out caught or bowled. Look to get him out early.
ALASTAIR COOK: Solid left-hander. Guy. Look to get him bowled, caught, leg before. Also run out or stumped. Possible candidate for handled the ball, timed out or obstructing the field. Look to get him out early.
JONATHAN TROTT: Confusing one. Possible pussy? But not English. Non-English pussy. Is this possible? More information needed: could be trap. Vulnerable to 95 MPH leg-cutter on good length. Look to get him out early.
KEVIN PIETERSEN: Play on ego. Starve him of oxygen of publicity, like a terrorist. Can get unhappy when he is not happy.
PAUL COLLINGWOOD: Do not get him out early.
IAN BELL: Right-hander. Was NOT in American Pie movie franchise, despite rumours. Could be vulnerable to light-hearted on-field banter such as, “We’re going to burn down your house and kill all your friends and family.”
MATT PRIOR: Big mouth. Big pussy? Horny thought.
Stuart Broad: Head could go down if not winning, or if hit on head with cricket bat in ambush.
GRAEME SWANN: Key. Morally suspect? Lure with honey trap? or honey? Possibly vulnerable to attack from swarm of killer bees?
JIMMY ANDERSON: Bowler. Reformed pussy. Prefers winning to losing. Look to hit balls bowled by him, or block depending on situation.
STEVE FINN: Tall. Look to bite on ankle?