Sky Studios, Isleworth, December 19th 2010
5:15 PM
We’ve got a serious problem: Bob’s in a really good mood. How the hell are we going to do The Verdict tonight? I ran into him in the corridor and he greeted me like a long-lost brother. Normally he just sniffs at me, says “milk and two” and mutters about the one-way system or how hard it is to get a decent custard cream these days. I need him grumpy, I need him mean, and I need him chuntering about the youth of today and their disgraceful over rates. Frankly, that’s the stuff that’s paying my mortgage, and, after all, an internationally famous television presenter has a certain standard of living to maintain.
5:35 PM
Have discovered why Bob is in such good spirits: he’s finally won his court injunction to have all memorabilia with the slogan “Botham’s Ashes” changed to “Botham AND Willis’ Ashes”. Apparently the Headingley 1981 market is worth “enough in DVD sales alone to stick another wing on Chateau Willis.” Then he roared with laughter and dug me in the ribs in a matey way with one of those great big sharp knobbly pointy elbows. It was like being stabbed with a carving knife.
This is seriously bad. Need to get Bob in a vile temper before we go on air. I snuck into his dressing-room and replaced all his Dylan CDs with one Direction; he just smiled and said “not as bad as Shot Of Love, at least”.
6:55 PM
I got Rob Key to impersonate a journalist and phone Bob to ask if he would “agree that Steve Harmison was the best English fast-bowler since John Snow.” He saw through it straight away. I told Rob to finish eating that Scotch egg before he called Bob, but would he listen? Bloody amateurs.
7:58 PM
Cracked it! Told Bob that the bigwigs wanted to take The Verdict in a less negative, less confrontational direction and that it was being replaced with a segment called Knighty Knight, where the cuddly ODI specialist gives you both sides of every story in an especially soothing and even-handed manner.
8:01 PM
On air, and Bob’s in off the long run! He has just suggested that Steve Finn is a medium pacer, he’d like to see Andrew Strauss flayed alive for not having a fourth slip and threatened to make a citizen’s arrest of Stuart Broad for crimes against length bowling. We’re back, baby. Back!