“Why did we wait so long?” Harper murmured. “We’re so stupid.”
Her head was on Luke’s chest, her fingers drawing loops against the smooth skin of his chest. She could feel his breath soft against her hair.
He’d been very quiet for a long time now, and she wondered if he’d fallen asleep. But she didn’t look up at him. She didn’t want to break the spell.
Sex had always been good with Luke. Tonight was no different. It was just as it had been before—they were perfectly in sync.
Everything between them had been fierce and hungry—as if they were starved for each other.
Now she felt like she’d ended up right where she belonged.
She was so happy. She wanted to stay happy.
“I don’t know,” he said finally. “It’s been a hard year. For both of us.”
There was a curious note to his voice. A kind of distance. She could feel his chest rising and falling more rapidly beneath her cheek.
Reluctantly, Harper raised herself up on one arm to look at him. There was a new heaviness in the lines of his mouth. It hadn’t been there earlier. He looked so … sad.
“Hey,” she said, softly. “What’s the matter?”
He didn’t reply. But she could feel his muscles tighten beneath her.
“Luke?” she said.
He drew in a long breath.
“It always feels so right with you, Harper.” He reached for her hand, holding it in both of his. “That’s why I don’t understand.”
Swallowing the trepidation rising in her throat, Harper sat up. They were both naked. The sheets swirled around her waist, her hair lay tangled across her shoulders.
“What don’t you understand?” she asked, weaving her fingers through his.
“Why we can’t get it together.” The pain in his eyes sent shards of worry through her heart. “There’s always something stopping us from making this work. Something you do. Something I do. Our work. The timing. We never get it right. And yet, it feels right. Every time.”
Around them, the old house was so quiet it might have been holding its breath. No cars drove down the street.
“We couldn’t before,” she said, watching him carefully. “But we can now, right?”
Luke raised their joined hands to his mouth and kissed her fingers. Then he slipped his hand free of hers with clear reluctance and met her gaze.
“What just happened shouldn’t have happened,” he said.
“Oh.” Reaching for the sheet, she pulled it up to cover herself.
She didn’t ask for more information. She didn’t want any. She knew all she needed to know from looking at his face.
Twisting her body until she could slide to the side of the bed and put her feet on the floor, she reached down, finding her top where they’d dropped it an hour earlier.
With her back to him, she pulled it on, and then, keeping the sheets tight around her waist, felt the floor for her pants.
“Harper,” he said. “Look at me.”
“I need my pants,” she said, refusing to turn around.
“Harper…”
“Let me get dressed.”
Her voice shook.
She finally found them thrown across the footboard of the antique brass bed. Still not looking at him, she pulled them on and stood up.
Only then did she turn to face him.
“Just say it.”
He sat up, the sheet loose beneath the smooth muscles of his chest. In the cool wash of moonlight filtering through the sheer curtains, he might have been carved from marble. He was so beautiful it killed her.
His throat worked as he searched for the right words to break her heart.
“I should have told you earlier. I just didn’t know how. I didn’t want to say anything. But I’ve … I’ve been seeing someone else, Harper.”
If he’d slapped her it wouldn’t have hurt more. Harper felt almost breathless from it.
She stared at him in disbelief. Waiting for more. Waiting for the next blow.
But he just sat there. Watching her. Waiting for her to react.
I’m so stupid, she thought.
All this time—an entire year—she’d waited for him. She’d stayed alone in this house night after night thinking, somewhere in the back of her mind, that they would find a way. That the things they’d been through together mattered.
Surely, nobody could go through what they’d endured, and then just walk away from it all.
She’d believed that so fundamentally it had never occurred to her to date someone else. Never occurred to her that whether or not they got back together might not be her decision.
And all that time he’d been seeing someone else. Getting over her. Moving on.
“Get out,” she said, the words low and venomous and filled with pain.
Then she turned on her heel and left the room.
The problem with small apartments is there’s nowhere to hide. She wasn’t about to lock herself in the bathroom. This was her home.
Instead, she went to the kitchen and began making coffee. Measuring the grounds, filling the jug with water. She didn’t know why she was doing it—she didn’t want coffee. She didn’t want anything. But she kept going, her movements deliberate and careful, her hands steady.
She felt numb.
Not yet, her subconscious was telling her. You’ll feel it later. But not yet.
When Luke walked in, he’d put on his jeans. His shirt hung loose, unbuttoned. He’d splashed water on his face. Some had gotten on his collar, and Harper found herself focusing on that detail—the circular spots of dampness.
It was easier than looking at his beautiful, lost face.
“How long?” she heard herself ask.
“A few months.”
He stayed by the door. His voice was steady but every muscle in his body was taut and tense.
A few months. Long enough.
“Why did you come here tonight?” Her voice was leaden. She didn’t want to know. But she had to know.
“I was worried about you. And then…” He paused, a muscle in his jaw working. “I wasn’t lying. I do miss you.”
Harper ignored that completely.
“Does she know you’re here?”
He gave her a tortured look.
“No,” he said. “Look, I didn’t come over here tonight expecting to do this.”
“Do what?” She met his gaze. “Cheat?” He flinched, but she didn’t back down. “That wasn’t what you wanted when you came here tonight? To have sex with me and see if you still had feelings for me? Just to check? ‘One last time with Harper in case there’s something I missed’?”
“That’s not it,” he insisted. “It’s not that simple.”
“Oh, it’s very simple, Luke.” She shoved the coffeemaker away. “You’re with someone else now. I’m in your past. And then we ran into each other at that stupid crime scene and you thought, ‘Oh look. There’s Harper. I’ve been ignoring her for a year but maybe I still care. Let’s check.’”
A tear ran down her cheek, and she noted its presence with surprise, because she couldn’t fully feel the pain. But it was coming.
“So here you are, checking.” She took a step toward him. “What did you feel, Luke? Do you care? Because, I’ll share a little secret with you—I was in love with you.” She threw the words at him hard, watching them hit. “I waited for you. And you did this.”
She drew a ragged breath, hands clenching.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you…” he began.
“Well you did.” Her voice rose. “You did.”
She almost couldn’t speak now; her throat was closing on her words.
“A year ago you left me because you thought I betrayed you.” She made herself meet his eyes. “Now we’re even. And I want you out of my house.”
He stood in the kitchen doorway for a long time, looking at her, hands loose at his sides. She couldn’t bear to see him anymore. She spun around, turning her back to him.
“I do care, Harper,” he said, quietly. “That’s the problem.”
“Please go.”
She wouldn’t look up, but she could sense him hesitating. Hear his breathing as he decided.
“I’m sorry,” he said, very softly. “I truly am.”
She stood in the glow of her kitchen light, holding her breath, listening to his footsteps cross the living room.
In the deep quiet, she heard every movement. The clicking of the locks turning. The beep of the alarm. The faint creak as the front door opened.
The air moving as it closed with a final thud she felt in her heart.
Still she stood, unwavering, until the rumble of a car engine broke the quiet of the night.
Only then did she take a gasping breath and loosen her grip on the counter.
Slowly, silently, she slid down to the floor and buried her face against her knees.