TWO

LONDON

THE WOMAN, WHO CARRIED AN AMERICAN PASSPORT IN THE NAME OF Karen Lamb, had reached the street when she heard the explosion. It was far off, muffled, but she felt it more than she heard it; it might have been the aftershock of a small earthquake. She walked quickly, turning away from Piccadilly in the direction of Shepherd Market.

She entered a crowded pub, all brass and open fires and businessmen trying to get a little extra-curricular activity going with their secretaries. She immediately headed for the toilet. She locked the door and took off the wig, which she tossed up into the cistern. She removed the glasses, snapped the frames in several places, then dropped the fragments inside the toilet, which she flushed. One lens was sucked away, the other floated back and lay on the surface of water like a strange transparent eye.

She left the pub and continued to walk the narrow streets of the neighbourhood in the general direction of her hotel. Although it wasn’t quite dark, a few girls were already trawling the alleyways and passages, black girls mostly, with moussed hairdos and too much lipstick and street expressions – something of boredom, something of nonchalance. They were hard girls. They’d seen everything and were beyond shellshock. Nothing about human behaviour astonished them.

Karen Lamb thought of the Underground train. She thought of fire and destruction and the massacre of passengers trapped in a metal tube hundreds of feet below street level. An extravaganza, a light-show of death. She was suddenly buzzing, heart hammering, adrenalin humming through her.

She stepped into an alley. Lost in the glow of her own imagination, she was unaware of the chill on the early evening air. Lights illuminated shop windows, people drifted in and out of pubs, a few bars of synthesized rock music floated a moment through an open doorway. Life went on in little moments, cameos, apparitions. She felt distant from the general flux of things, a spectator. She looked in a shop window, gazed without interest at framed prints of Victorian hunt scenes.

She pressed her forehead against the glass. All at once she was aware of a familiar sense of crashing. Anti-climax. You were tense and electrified before the event, but afterwards there was something unfinished, a craving. It was always this way. The edge had gone and there was a downward rush. Destruction, a craft in which she’d served a long apprenticeship, wasn’t enough. It kindled other urges.

She wandered down the narrow street, moving slowly now. The sense of urgency she’d had before was gone. The planning was over, the work accomplished. She entered a call-box, stuck a phonecard in the slot and dialled. On the second ring a man picked up.

Karen Lamb said, ‘I scored.’ She pictured him in his hotel suite. He always had suites, never rooms. The idea of him in a simple room was inconceivable.

‘Excellent,’ he said. He paused before adding, ‘See you soon. Take care of yourself.’ He hung up before she could respond. She replaced the phone and continued to walk. She reached a corner, stopped, observed one of the hookers strolling along the pavement.

The girl wore a short black leather skirt and a jacket of imitation leopardskin. Her hair was piled up on her scalp and her lipstick was glossy pink, almost luminous: she had a mouth that might shine in the dark. She was maybe sixteen, seventeen, you couldn’t tell. A child. Karen watched her for a time before she said, ‘You must be very cold.’

The girl looked at her. ‘Freezing,’ she said. ‘You American?’

‘God. Does it show?’

‘The accent,’ said the girl, drawing the collar of her jacket up to her chin.

‘You can’t hide anything.’ Karen Lamb touched the girl’s sleeve and let her hand linger. She was thinking of the man’s parting statement. Take care of yourself. What did that really mean? Stay out of trouble? Keep cool? How typical of him not to ask questions, not to ask after details. Somewhere along the graph of his life he’d developed the capacity for shunting distasteful images into a remote siding of his head where they became unreal. He had places where he was able to park unpalatable matters, as if they were worn-out cars. What he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him.

‘You got something to hide, have you?’ the girl asked.

‘Don’t we all,’ Karen Lamb said, and laughed.

The girl smiled and looked for a moment oddly innocent. In the expression you might imagine her background, school drop-out, pregnant, family squabbles, a quick abortion followed by flight from somewhere like Luton or Northampton to the streets of London where the only thing she had going for her was her body.

‘What’s your name?’

‘Candice.’

Candice. Sure. She would be a Rita or an Angela. Candice would be her working name. They always had working names, fanciful or exotic, dream names. ‘Do you have a place, Candice?’

‘Yeh. I got a room.’

‘Where?’

The girl appeared hesitant, licked her lips, looked sideways at Karen Lamb, who wondered: Does she smell blood? Is there danger about me, something of desperation? Maybe the girl saw into a core of loneliness and didn’t like it.

‘This way,’ the girl said. She moved off. Karen Lamb, watching how the leather skirt attracted creases of light from windows, followed.

The girl turned. ‘I don’t get many like you.’

‘Like me?’ Karen Lamb asked.

‘You know.’

Karen said nothing. She walked with the girl down an alley and through the doorway of a narrow building. A corridor led to a wooden staircase. A wall-light in the shape of a clam shell threw out a thin glow. Cans of paint were stacked against a wall. The air smelled of fried bacon, turpentine, bleach. Signs of cluttered lives, scuff marks, footprints on the steps. Karen climbed after the girl. On the landing she put her hand against Candice’s thigh.

‘Now now, patience is a virtue,’ the girl said and stuck a key in the lock of a door.

‘What would you know about virtue?’ Karen asked.

‘You’d be surprised.’

The room was furnished plainly. A double bed, a nightstand on which lay combs, hairbrushes clamped together, mouthwash, a jar of moisturizing cream, an ashtray filled with cigarette ends. A simple brown velvet curtain hung at the window. The girl dumped the ashtray into a rubbish bin.

‘Sandra,’ she said.

‘Sandra?’

‘I share with her. She smokes and I get the dirty work.’

Karen Lamb put her gloved hands on Candice’s hips and drew the girl towards her. She heard the buzz of blood in her head.

‘Let me get out of this first.’ And Candice took off the jacket, placing it carefully over a chair as if it were genuine fur.

Karen sat on the edge of the bed. ‘Take everything off,’ she said. ‘Everything.’

‘You’re in a right old rush,’ said the girl. She stripped briskly, stepping out of the leather skirt, then removing her blouse. She wore dark-green satin underwear, which she discarded quickly. She balanced nimbly on one leg as she slipped out of her panties. With no sign of self-consciousness she stood in front of Karen, who looked at the white breasts, the nipples that were barely visible, the bony angle of hip. She ran her palms across the girl’s stomach, passing over a small appendectomy scar. She moved her hands between the girl’s thighs.

‘You shave,’ she said.

‘It’s healthier,’ the girl remarked.

‘I like it.’ Karen pressed her face against the girl’s stomach and shut her eyes. For a long time she didn’t move. She enjoyed the faintly soapy scent of flesh, the softness. In this place it was possible to imagine you never knew solitude, that your world wasn’t one of disguises and fake passports, that you had no connection with violence and death. A fragile illusion. The trouble was you kept coming back to yourself in the end. All you know is destruction, nothing of love. The blood in her head roared now.

Candice sat on the bed. ‘We need to talk money.’

‘Later,’ Karen said.

‘Not later. Before you go any further.’

Karen pushed the girl back across the mattress, straddled her. Just a whore. A streetwalker. Disposable human material. Garbage. She caught the girl’s wrists and forced them to her side. She kissed the chilly unresponsive mouth. The taste of lipstick was strong, candy-like.

‘Wait,’ the girl complained.

‘Wait for what?’

‘You don’t think I do this for free, do you? I’m not running a bleeding charity. Dosh first. Goods later.’

Karen pressed her hands to the sides of the girl’s thin face. Goods later. She was thinking of the Underground again. The man’s eyes, his puzzlement. She saw him being drawn into the darkness of the tunnel on a train going nowhere.

‘You’re hurting me,’ the girl said.

‘I don’t mean to. I don’t want to hurt you.’ The blood hammered, pounded, her brain might have been filled with hot mercury.

‘Then fucking let go of me.’

Karen squeezed her palms harder against the girl’s cheeks. Candice twisted her face away. ‘Hey, I don’t like this. I’m not into this. Why don’t you just leave.’

Making a claw of her hand, Karen pressed her fingertips tightly around the girl’s lips and silenced her. From nearby came the noise of sirens. Ambulances, fire engines, police rushing through the streets of Mayfair and along Piccadilly. Too late.

She stared into the girl’s face. Candice’s eyes registered fear, uncertainty. A volatile customer, the hooker’s nightmare: in bed with the deranged. She struggled to free herself. She raised her legs as if she might kick Karen.

‘Don’t,’ Karen said.

The girl looked at her imploringly. Karen lowered her face, brushed the girl’s forehead with her lips. She had the urge to tell this child about the Underground train, the explosive in the purse. This idiot desire to talk – what did it mean? Guilt? But that was absurd. She never felt guilty about anything. She had nothing to confess. Maybe it came down to something else, the need to shock and impress.

Suddenly she released the girl, who sat upright and moved to the other side of the bed, where she covered her breasts with her hands.

‘I don’t do this. I don’t do this sick shit. I’m not into pain. Get somebody else. Plenty of people do pain. I could give you names.’

‘I don’t want names.’ Karen rose, strolled to the window, drew the curtain back. The alley below was dark save for the yellowy stab of a single lamp. Was it sick to look for a human connection, something to fill the void? She heard the hum of her blood change suddenly; a tumultuous melody echoed inside her skull.

The girl said, ‘I want you to go. Now.’

Karen let the curtain fall and approached the bed. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you.’

‘Right. You didn’t mean to hurt me. But you did.’ The girl touched her mouth as if she expected to find blood. ‘I told you. I don’t do pain.’

‘Everybody does pain,’ Karen said.

‘You maybe. Not me.’ The girl gestured in the direction of the door. Her fear had yielded to sullen defiance. ‘Just go. You scare me. Just get the hell out. Go on.’

Karen didn’t move. The room seemed altogether confining to her now, and the child on the bed plain and unappealing. What was she doing here? It was weak to give in to these yearnings, to seek out these situations. She always came to the same conclusion: she didn’t belong. She was a captive in that other world of featureless air terminals and drab railway stations and night journeys, hard concrete and steel, a world of strangers, passengers shuttling through the dark to unknown destinations. It was a place of casual monosyllabic conversations with men who, drawn to her looks, wanted to force themselves on her, men she never encouraged.

She sat on the bed and reached for the girl’s hand, but Candice drew her arm away. ‘Piss off, for Christ’s sake.’ The girl pressed her back against the wall.

Karen caught the girl’s chin and twisted the small face to one side. ‘I leave when I want to. Only when I want to. Do you understand that?’

‘Fuck sake. You’re hurting me again.’

Karen squeezed the girl’s lips between her fingers. A loose crowned tooth popped unexpectedly out of the girl’s mouth and bounced across the back of Karen’s hand. Candice yanked her face this way and that, unable to free herself. She brought up her hands, flailed. She kicked her legs, twisted her body around, tried to bite into Karen’s palm. Again the whine of sirens filled the small room.

She gazed into Candice’s face and she thought: the pain of other people is as near as you ever get to them. She was aware of the girl’s warm saliva in the palm of her hand. The human condition: spit and fear and a sad little broken false tooth. It didn’t amount to very much in the long run.

She released Candice, who gasped for air and tried to scramble from the bed. She looked undignified, undesirable, her white buttocks upraised. Karen caught her, dragged her down, pinned her to the mattress. Tears flooded the girl’s eyes.

‘Stop crying,’ Karen said. ‘I don’t like to see anyone cry. Stop.’ The melody had changed. There was a drone in her skull. She imagined a graph of her brain, an unbroken green line on the screen of a scanner. She heard sounds: beep beep beep beeeeeep.

The girl opened her mouth to speak, but then – seized by an inappropriate sense of vanity about the missing tooth – closed her lips and turned her face to one side.

‘I won’t hurt you again,’ Karen Lamb said. ‘I promise.’ She drew the bedsheet round the girl’s shoulders, then picked up a pillow which she smoothed between her fingers. She listened to the freezing wind roaring through the streets of Mayfair, rattling shop-signs, window frames, fluttering ribbons and scraps of rubbish.

Later, she sat in a chair by the window and took off her gloves and laid them in her lap. With her eyes shut, she rocked very slightly back and forth. After a time she got up and walked toward the bed. The lampshade was askew. She adjusted it carefully. She noticed how a few spots of blood adhered to the surface of the cheap shade. For a moment she saw them, not through her own eyes, but as if from a policeman’s perspective of clues and signs. She put her gloves on and, tapping her hands against her thighs a moment, she smiled and gave in to an impulse that hadn’t been any part of her original plan.