Tell me of your first wife, love,
Let us stand beside her grave
In silence, reverent and brave,
Honouring the care of years.
How she fed you, stopped your tears.
Fired your love to keep it warm
For me.
Had these children I can love
And make them too a part of me.
I will celebrate your love,
I will hug him far from tears.
Tell me of your first wife, love,
We will honour her lost years.
‘Second Wife’ – Myrtle Archer
Central to the birth of the blended family is the core issue of loss. Before we even begin to look at the complexities and challenges of your blended family, it is crucially important that we acknowledge, confront and work through the fact that every member of the blended family has lost something over the last while.
You may be a single parent entering into a committed relationship with someone who, perhaps, already has children. You and your children may be moving in with a partner who has children from a previous relationship. The other parent of your children may have passed away or left you, and now you have the joy of finding another partner who you want to share your life with. This person may or may not already have children. Your children may live most of the time with their other parent, and only join you and your partner on weekends or holidays. The children living with you may be your siblings (brothers and sisters), or even your grandchildren.
The face of families today is no longer a picture of a mom and a dad with boy, a girl and a dog. Not only does the family look different; it also changes back and forth over time. One week the kids are with you, the next they are with their other parent. In term-time the kids may stay with you, but during the holidays they move to their grandparents, or perhaps to another parent living far away.
This means that most of you and your children have, and will continue to experience, some form of separation. This separation means loss. Loss of what was, and what could have been. Each member of the family will experience this loss in very different and often complicated ways.
‘My friends thought it was all so ideal. Here I was, marrying a man who had a child from his previous marriage. It was too late for me to have my own child, and so now I would have the chance to be a mum. Luc was only three when I married James, his dad. Luc had no contact with his birth mother. She had left him and gone back overseas when he was six months old. It was shocking to experience the sudden waves of overwhelming sadness I felt when I began taking care of Luc. At times I felt so angry towards him; that he wasn’t my own child. It sounds crazy, but I missed my own unborn baby. And then I felt so guilty for having these feelings.’ Gabriella, step-mother to Luc, aged four.
The last thing this step-mother expected to feel was grief and feelings of loss when she married James. She found that everyone expected her to be happy and content, and she felt unable to share her sadness with even her closest friends. Once she was able to acknowledge that her feelings were understandable, and that they did not mean she had made a mistake or was unwilling to look after Luc, she was able to begin accepting her situation. Her feelings of grief slowly began to pass.
‘Simon was a breath of fresh air in my life after struggling on my own with Amy for so long. But he did not come alone. His four teenage children dominate the house, and I sometimes long for the peace and solitude I had before’. Tarryn, mother to Amy, aged four, and step-mother to her partner’s four teenagers.
Tarryn increasingly found that she was resenting the intrusion of Simon’s children on her life. She understood that he came as a package, and so felt that she could not tell Simon about how she was struggling to find a place for Amy and herself in the family. One of her biggest irritations was that the TV was always blaring; mostly with programmes unsuitable for a young child. With some encouragement, she eventually managed to speak to Simon about her feelings. He surprised her by saying that he felt the same way, and that he also longed for the time when he visited her and Amy without his children. Her house felt like a sanctuary for him. So that they could have some time alone, they made arrangements together for all the children to spend the same one night a week with friends. They also put a TV and a small couch in Amy’s bedroom, so that Tarryn and Amy could have some time out to play, or watch an animated movie together.
As parents of a blended family you are likely to have experienced most, if not all of the following losses:
‘By far the most difficult thing to deal with after I got divorced was the deep-seated rage that I felt toward my ex-husband for cheating myself and my children out of our planned future. I felt as though I had nothing to look forward to; my life felt like a vacuum. It was only when I realised that I was missing what would have been our future that I was able to allow myself to feel sad and even mourn the loss of what would have been. I no longer felt so angry. Although it was hard to feel so sad – harder than feeling angry all the time – it did get better once I was able to start creating my own future with my children, family and friends, and now of course with my new husband and his children.’ Penny, mother of two boys and stepmother to two girls.
Loss pertains not only to what was, but also to what might have been. Part of being a family is the future that is created with the formation of close and life-long relationships. When this is compromised by death, separation or divorce, we need to find ways to let go of what might have been and begin re-forming our hopes, goals and dreams.
‘After my wife left, I did some things that I regret. I started going out a lot; drinking and going on pointless dates. I don’t think I paid much attention to anyone but myself. I couldn’t stand coming home to an empty house. I hardly got to see my baby girl – she was always sick or sleeping badly, and there was always an excuse as to why I could not see her. I missed out on a whole stage in her development. Over the next year I got into relationships with three women who had kids, one after the other, who were trying to make a family. None of the relationships worked out. I realise now that I’d lost more than just my wife when we divorced.’ Jarryd, absent father to a two-year-old girl.
It is common for a sense of hopelessness to develop as the reality of losses caused by broken relationships begins to sink in. Our task is to acknowledge these perfectly understandable feelings, even if they are at odds with the happiness and exhilaration of creating a new family.
So how do we ensure that we have recognised and begun to accept our losses? The key is to give ourselves permission to do so, and the opportunity to express our thoughts and feelings in several different ways. For some it helps just to be quiet and alone with our memories. For others, relief comes by self-examination through conversations with family and friends, or perhaps through therapeutic interaction with a trained professional, through keeping a daily diary, or even through meditative self-reflection.
For those of us who struggle to verbalise our feelings, even perhaps to acknowledge that we have any feelings at all, this can be an overwhelming task. This book will help you to examine your thought processes, and in the process hopefully to gently reveal your perhaps deep-seated feelings of loss. Loss can be expressed in many different ways – sometimes through anger and resentment; sometimes through avoidance of reality and denial; and of course through grief and sadness, pain and regret. The important thing, however, is to acknowledge and recognise that we have begun to deal with our losses.
It is not the purpose of this book to arouse thoughts and feelings that will add to the complexities of your present situation. So please take care; treat yourself gently and always, always seek the help of a trained professional if you ever feel too overwhelmed by your situation and unable to cope. Look at the back of the book for a list of resources available for you. Many support organisations are means-tested, which means that their providers will take your family income into account before charging you.
It is not only you, as parents, who may be in the process of resolving feelings of grief and loss. The children are going through the same process, and it is important that they have the opportunity to express their feelings and receive the comfort that they need.
A child in the blended family is likely to have experienced most, if not all of the following losses:
‘Suddenly we only saw my dad once a week, if we were lucky. He never came to my birthday.’ Janeke, aged 12.
'My Dad took Simba and we kept Milo. I miss my dog. I think Milo misses Simba too.’ Alfie, aged eight.
‘The worst thing about when my parents got divorced is that my mom gave away all my old clothes and toys. Even my xylophone, which was my favourite.’ Adrianna, aged nine.
Your child may experience their sense of loss through seemingly irrelevant objects, rituals or routines. Take the time to notice if your child is fixating on one particular memory or object. Doing so may be your child’s way of telling you what else is being missed. One child refused to eat with the cutlery at their new house after the break-up of her parent’s marriage. It turned out that she was trying to communicate that what she missed most was her father coming home and everyone sitting down at the dinner table as a family.
In the same way, you too may experience loss in many different ways. At first it may not be clear that certain feelings, thoughts or behaviours you are experiencing have anything to do with loss. Anger towards your ex-spouse or the parent of your child is often rooted in having to face the end of all your previous dreams, hopes and plans. We often misplace our feelings and attach them to other people, or other situations. This means that unresolved feelings of loss may emerge in the new family in confusing and complicating ways.
‘I thought that I really liked his boys, but after a few months everything they do and say seems to irritate me. Their dad is totally devoted to them, and nothing is too much trouble for him. It seems so unfair that my daughter does not have a father like that.’ Shahira, mother to Seema, aged 10, and step-mother to twin boys aged 14.
This mother has made the connection between her feelings of irritation and her sadness that her daughter does not have a similar relationship with her father that her new partner has with his boys. But she has neglected to notice that the boys’ mother was not around for them, and that she now had a very important role as step-mother in the new family. Likewise, her daughter had an opportunity to experience the love and care of an involved step-father.
Dealing with grief is a process which many experience as a roller-coaster journey, during which different emotions, even physical symptoms, can be felt. It may help to understand your feelings by acknowledging the different stages of grief. In her book, On Death and Dying (1969), American psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, suggested five stages of grief, which are now widely accepted as a tool for understanding how we deal with any negative life-change and/or loss.
DENIAL This can’t be happening to me
ANGER Why is this happening to me? Who can I blame?
BARGAINING Don’t let this be true… Maybe if I…
DEPRESSION I don’t care any more
ACCEPTANCE I accept what happened
You may not go through all of these stages, and indeed you might swap backwards and forwards from one to another, but what is key is that you find a way to move towards acceptance and peace about what has happened. Do you recognise any of these five responses to your loss? Understanding that your feelings are normal, and that things will get better, is crucial to managing your feelings in the here-and-now.
‘For a while after my first marriage broke up, I felt like I had no future. I just couldn’t believe it, and kept thinking that he would come back and that life would carry on. When the divorce proceedings started I found myself getting so angry. I would scream at him when he fetched the children, and send him long, angry e-mails. Sometimes I would beg him to try again and promise him that things would be different. A year later, even though by that time I was involved with the man I’m now married to, I found myself feeling very depressed and hopeless. I went for therapy, and now I realise that I am better off. I’m even glad that it all happened, even though it’s still hell for the kids at times.’ Annique, mother of two girls aged six and nine, and now married to Dwayne.
Working through issues of loss takes time. Very often, new relationships enter our lives before we have even begun to resolve the feelings left over from the last one. This complicates things, and sometimes it can be hard to work out where our feelings come from.
To assist you in revealing your very own particular feelings of loss, may I suggest that you write down some of the things that you may still be grieving about? You may want to skip over this part and read on. However, may I advise you to stop right here and give yourself the opportunity of working towards resolving any issues of loss that may be interfering with your present situation? You owe it to yourself and to your family.
What has been taken away from you? (e.g. your future, your house, security, children, happiness…).
What has been taken away from your present partner?
What may your child be missing? What has disappeared from your child’s life over the last while?
How well do you think that you and your family are coping with loss?
Do any of you suffer from mood-swings, anxiety or depression, or show persistent changes in behaviour?
Do any of you need help?
Who can you contact to get some help? (Refer to the list of resources at the end of this book.)
The age of your child is an important indicator of how they might deal with their loss. Toddlers are likely to express any difficulties they are experiencing with changes in their lives through their eating, sleeping and toilet-training habits, and they may be more prone to tantrums than previously. Whilst toddlers can be unpredictable at the best of times and fluctuations in these behaviours are normal with toddlers, you still need to watch out for any marked changes or regression lasting longer than a few days.
Your toddler needs clear-cut routines, familiar surroundings and, importantly, tolerance from you with regard to any temporary regression in behaviour they may be exhibiting, for example increased separation anxiety, increased use of bottle or dummy, toilet-training problems or disturbed sleep patterns. Firm boundaries and positive reinforcement of more healthy behaviours are the key, rather than drawing attention to the problem by highlighting it. Your toddler is possibly expressing sad feelings in the only way they can.
‘Tabitha took a long time to settle down once we moved in with Keith and his children. She started waking up at night and experiencing night terrors. Things were very chaotic at first, living in a house with so many people, noise and activity all the time. Tabitha wasn’t used to it. We moved her room to the other end of the house, and after bath-time I would spend quiet time with her in her room before putting her to bed. That seemed to help a lot, and after a while she started sleeping through again. I think she was missing the time we spent alone together. I was missing it too.’ Reinet, mother to Tabitha, aged two, and step-mother to two older boys.
Your pre-school child is likely to engage in magical thinking around their life, and may attempt to bargain and fantasise about their past or future. They may talk about how things will go back to the way they were before. They may exhibit physical symptoms, such as tummy-aches and bed-wetting. They may develop sleeping problems, or refuse to go to school. They may become aggressive, show increased separation anxiety, or become withdrawn or listless.
Young children can find themselves feeling very small and powerless at times, especially when they are experiencing a sense of loss. These feelings are confusing and can result in an increased level of anxiety in your child. They may become more demanding and angry if their needs are not met immediately. It may seem appropriate to give in to your child’s demands in order to give the child a sense of security in the moment. However, this is not sustainable, and your child may need additional help and support in the art of learning to wait for their demands to be met.
The good news is that children have an opportunity to grow through times of adversity, and need to learn to manage anxiety. So experiencing loss is a very necessary and healthy process for your child to grow through. It would be unwise to protect your child from loss altogether. Your task as a parent is to ensure that your child is given the necessary support to manage their feelings of loss.
Verbalise the loss for your child in simple, concrete and age-appropriate terms. Your child will make sense of the loss through the information you provide. Vague euphemisms may be confusing, especially as your child’s understanding grows. ‘Daddy had to go away to work,’ or ‘Mummy and Daddy love each other very much, but right now we can’t live together’ does not explain a break-up. Children take things very literally, and may ask the same questions time and time again, so be sure to give the same information each time. Stick to the facts, without explanation if necessary, and then deal with the ‘whys’ as they come up. Your child needs to be assured that any change in their lives is not their fault, and that they are still very much loved.
While grieving behaviour is a normal part of dealing with loss, sometimes children may not be able to move on. Special care will need to be taken where your child has experienced multiple losses, where there has been trauma associated with the loss, or if you yourself are clearly not coping.
You may need to seek professional help if your child continues to exhibit any of the following behaviour:
‘I thought that my five-year-old, Neraa, had adjusted well to moving in with Sherif and his teenage daughter, until one day she said, “When are we going back to our old house. Is Daddy still there?”’ Abida, mother to five-year-old Neraa, and step-mother to Husna, aged 16.
This reminds me of the story of a mother who was quietly smug about how well her four-year-old daughter had coped with the birth of her twin boys. She seemed to love the babies. The mother had employed a live-in nurse to help, so she could spend quality time with her daughter every day. After two weeks, the nurse was ready to leave, and was busy saying goodbye. Her daughter seemed especially excited, and was kissing and hugging the boys. As the nurse was leaving, the girl grabbed the nurse’s hand and exclaimed, ‘You forgot to take your babies with you!’ Needless to say, this mother will need to help her daughter come to terms with the changes her baby brothers will bring.
Your six- to nine-year-old child will likely struggle to accept the changes, and may hold onto the belief that things will go back to the way they were. They may experience strong feelings of missing ‘how things were’, and are likely to express their anger and sadness through misbehaviour and attention-seeking, and test whether they are still loved by pushing boundaries. They may be preoccupied and struggle to concentrate, or find it difficult to go to sleep.
Your child needs to know that you are in charge, and may need some help finding ways to express their feelings. This may be through art, physical activity or words, or any combination of these. They need to be reassured that although things have changed, they are still very much loved. Take special care that the children are not offering emotional support to the parent whom they may perceive as the neediest.
‘I was devastated that Mikael wanted to live with his dad after we separated; especially as I had left him because he couldn’t handle having the responsibility of having a child. One day, Mikael was talking to his gran, who we were living with at the time, and he told her he wanted to stay with his dad. He said he felt bad that his dad was alone and sad, and he wanted to keep him company.’ Bridget, mother to Mikael, aged nine.
‘I don’t think my son Chad has ever forgiven me for leaving his mother. He was too young for me to tell him that she was having an affair. The other day he said something about my present wife being the reason his mother and I got divorced (even though we only met after his mother and I had separated). In his head, somehow she is the reason his mother and I got divorced. No wonder he has never liked his step-mother and been so angry all these years!’ Bruce, father to Chad, aged 17, and two younger daughters from his second marriage.
How much to tell, and what to tell, is a very difficult task. Your child needs age-appropriate information and consistency from all the storytellers. He or she needs to still feel loved by all parties, and needs to be told plainly that the situation is not their fault. Remind your child of all the things that have not changed, and help them to develop a sense of adventure with regard to any new and challenging experiences.
‘I couldn’t believe it when, in desperation, I heard myself telling Aaron that now he would be getting birthday presents from both his dad and myself now that we had divorced. He actually smiled for the first time, and couldn’t stop talking about it!’ Joliswe, mother of Aaron, aged seven, and a new baby girl from a new relationship.
Your nine- to twelve-year-old child becomes more aware of what other people, especially their friends, will think and say about the changes that have taken place in the home, and may even feel shame or embarrassment. Their grief may be expressed in poor performance at school, and in physical symptoms such as stomach and headaches. They are likely to feel torn between the parents, and to experience anxiety about the physical and emotional needs of either or both parents.
It is comforting to receive love and affection and care from one’s child when one is feeling abandoned and hurt. However, this can become very dangerous, as your child’s needs may be neglected. This is the time to depend on one’s family and friends and on professional resources, if necessary, to obtain the emotional support you may need.
‘Candice has been so easy since her dad remarried. We seemed so much closer, and she was always wanting to be with me and to help me. We moved back to my mother’s, but she was busy at the time with her own divorce from my father. I can’t tell you how many nights I fell asleep crying in Candice’s bed. But then her teacher told me she had become very withdrawn at school, and now sat by herself at break. I realised then that she was worried about me, and the teacher suggested that she had been trying to look after me.’ Roxy, now single mother of Candice.
It is unlikely that your child has been completely shielded from the stress you have experienced up to now. Honesty becomes important; however be guarded about disclosing information about yourself or the other parent which may damage trusting bonds. Contact with your child’s teacher at school will give you information about how well they are managing with their friends and their schoolwork.
Your teenager may respond in different ways, depending on their individual personality. They may withdraw, become depressed, experience physical symptoms such as stomach aches and headaches, or they may try to take control and look after you. Their behaviour can also become hostile, resulting in them engaging in risk-taking activities and/or self-destructive behaviour. A change in environment or lifestyle can be particularly challenging if your teenager loses friendships through changing schools or moving away, because this is a time when the peer group is so important.
Teenagers are, of course, vulnerable to abusing alcohol, drugs, food or sex as a means of avoiding difficult feelings. Be sure you are aware of the physical signs you need to look out for in your child which might indicate that they are not coping. Among signs to watch for are changes in friendship groups, disturbed sleep or eating patterns, sudden weight-change, secretive behaviour, a drop in performance at school, mood swings and/or isolation and depression.
It is easy to overlook your teenager’s needs, as so much of normal adolescent behaviour can mask underlying and unresolved feelings. Experiencing big changes in their lives at a time when they are developing their own self-identity can be very unsettling for teenagers, and it can leave them floundering without a strong base from which to launch themselves.
‘Of all the children, it seems that my 16-year-old, Jenna, is finding it the most difficult. It’s not that she doesn’t like Patty or her two kids; in fact she encouraged me to move in with Patty. She said she thought it was cool that her mother had a same-sex partner. It’s more about how things were before. She can’t seem to let go of how it was. All she does is talk about how it was before… having the house to herself, the overseas holidays we had together, the shopping expeditions we used to go on. She doesn’t seem to realise that things have changed and that our priorities are different now. Jenna is so angry all the time, and she doesn’t want to spend time with the rest of us.’ Portia, mother of Jenna, aged 16.
Ambivalent feelings are also common when families blend. On the one hand, the child may enjoy the benefits that come with the new family, but on the other hand, they may well miss the way things were – especially when they are faced with difficult challenges in the new environment. Jenna’s mother would be wise to hear her daughter’s sense of loss and to acknowledge it by spending quality time alone with her; perhaps even telling her that she also sometimes misses the times they had alone together.
Sometimes it is hard to identify whether your child’s emotional needs are being taken care of. The turbulence of growing up can mask underlying and unresolved feelings. We can sometimes read too much pathology into our child’s developmentally-appropriate behaviour. To be on the safe side, take some time to consider the following questions:
What new physical behaviours do you see in your child since experiencing their loss?
What new emotional behaviours do you see in your child since experiencing their loss?
Does your child seem in denial, angry, or withdrawn?
Is your child attempting to control the situation by taking on parental responsibility for anyone in the family?
How can you help your child to deal with the confusing emotions they may be feeling?
How have you successfully helped your child to deal with difficult feelings in the past?
Does it seem as if they will be unable to resolve the loss in their lives? Do they need professional help?
What about you? Do you need help in managing your child’s feelings?
Loss is an opportunity for you and your child to develop the necessary tools to enable you to live successfully in a changing and sometimes unpredictable world. Appropriate support, gentle acknowledgment and consideration of the often-painful feelings he or she may have experienced during the last while will help to create a safer and better understanding of why you or they sometimes feel the way you do in certain circumstances and relationships.
If you find that these feelings of loss are too difficult to manage, it is very important that you seek some help – either by reading books on the subject, or finding a grief counsellor who can help you to work through the feelings.
‘Everything was going so well for the first year or two after getting together with Jenny. We had problems, but the kids seem to have adjusted to their new mother, especially Jared. I found myself putting a spanner in the works and getting angry about nothing, even when things were okay. A birthday lunch ended with everyone in tears. Jenny gave me an ultimatum to go and speak to a therapist, or leave. It took a little while, but I soon worked out that I was angry with Jenny for taking Emma’s place and for doing things differently to how Emma did. Emma has been dead for five years, but I hadn’t properly dealt with losing her. I had to accept that she was gone. Things feel so much better now, for all of us.’ Mike, widower and father to two boys, now living with his fiancée, Jenny.