Now that we have some idea of what broad expectations you may have around your new family, it may be helpful to take a deeper look at your own family of origin and how that experience has contributed towards your understanding of what it means to be part of a family. Research has shown that one of the main factors influencing the way in which we interact in the family is the parenting we experienced as a child.
‘I just can’t get used to his way of doing things. Growing up, I was not used to my father being involved with the house, and neither was my ex-husband. I can’t understand why he can’t leave things to me. It makes me feel like I am not needed.’ Miriam, who married for the second time outside her traditional faith.
‘My dad was always the disciplinarian, and ruled the roost. My mom was the one we would go to if we had problems. I don’t want it to be like that with Ted, but he doesn’t seem to take any responsibility for his child’s behaviour. If it was up to him, I would do all the disciplining. I would like to be the good guy for a change.’ Ching, aged 23, who took on more than she expected when she married Ted, a single father.
'Bed-time has always been an important time of the day, ever since I was little. I don’t think it’s right that Daniel is allowed to fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV every night.’ Bradley, who has two grown-up children, and is now living with his girlfriend and her four-year-old son, Daniel.
With so many new experiences and changes, you may find yourself yearning for familiarity and the same old ways of doing things. Sometimes it is hard to know whether we choose to do the things we do for good reason, or whether it is just because that is how we have always done it. There is an urban legend that tells of a woman who always cut off the end of the roast leg of lamb before putting it into the oven. Her daughter asked her why she did it, and she replied that her mother had always done it that way. She then asked her grandmother why she cut off the end of the leg, and her grandmother said that her oven had never been big enough to fit the whole leg in.
So some of the ways that we do things, and some of our beliefs and expectations around family are helpful to us and add to the sense of security that being part of a family can give you. However, we may find that some of these may need to be put aside or adapted, to take into account the expectations of the other members of your blended family who have grown up with different ways of doing things.
We are going to take a little time to reflect on what we have brought to the blended family from our own family of origin. This part you can do on your own. However, encourage your partner to also take some private time to honestly and candidly answer the questions below. It may take a little while to jog your memory, so take your time. Thinking about your own unique childhood:
Describe your family of origin
Would you say that your parent/s were strict or more permissive?
Were your parents involved or more detached?
The most positive thing that your parents taught you is:
The worse thing you experienced in your family of origin was:
How would you describe your relationship with your parents/ care-givers?
Describe your previous family life
Which aspects would you like to change in this new family?
Which aspects do you want to keep the same?
Did you feel loved, respected and valued as a child?
What was it like to be a boy or girl in your family? Were there gender differences?
‘The main problem for us was that Ruby did not want her kids to grow up in what she said was an “uncreative” environment. Her parents had been very controlling, and she wanted things to be different for her children. This meant that she wanted her kids to have everything she never had as a child. This meant that they were given free rein, and got whatever they wanted. It took us so long to find a place where we could agree on what was OK for the kids and what was not, for both of us.’ This couple spent two years in counselling before successfully negotiating this and many other challenges to their blended family.
What was your role in the family as a child?
‘It’s quite funny to watch how the kids have all taken on new roles, now that we have moved in together. JJ is suddenly the joker, and Thandi has become so grown-up. We are worried about Benji, because he keeps so quiet.’ Yoliswa shared this in a group session with other blending families.
Who had the most power in your family of origin?
Who had the least power?
How were disagreements handled?
What seems truest of your family of origin?
‘Everyone is so loud in this house. Everyone just shouts at each other and slams doors. And the next minute the kids are all laughing together. Bradford just ignores them and says he is used to it, but it’s driving me crazy! My home, where I grew up, was never like this.’ Estelle was unable to cope with Bradford’s parenting style; she eventually left him and moved back to her parents with their baby son.
How did apologies take place in your family of origin?
‘Saying sorry is very important to me. Willem grew up in a family where no one ever said sorry, and he can’t seem to change.’ Elize, step-mother to Johann.
How were the children disciplined in your family of origin?
If you were disciplined, how were you punished for ‘bad’ behaviour?
What tools were used to encourage or motivate you toward better behaviour?
‘The most difficult adjustment I’ve had to make since Jackie and I moved in together has been dealing with the way she disciplines her children. Everything is discussed at the table, and she encourages everyone to say how they feel and even talk about what to do about the problem behaviour. My kids think she is fussy, and hate being forced to talk about things. She expects me to encourage them, but for me, my ‘no’ is ‘no’, and that is all that needs to be said. I was taught to respect my father, and that is what I have taught my own boys. I think she could learn a lesson or two from me.’ Leon, the father of two boys, shares his frustrations after a year of marriage to Jackie, mother of two girls.
How were money issues handled in your home? Who was in charge of the finances?
Do you remember any unresolved conflicts over money?
‘It is so complicated, but we both have different bank accounts. Curt can’t handle the way I manage my finances. He likes to tick every box, and I just know more or less what I can spend. My parents always pooled their money, and it bothers me that we aren’t doing the same.’ Carina, step-mother to Curt’s eight-year-old daughter, who spends weekends with them.
Do you notice any patterns you experienced in your family of origin that played out in your previous family, or which are cropping up in your present blended family? Are these patterns positive, and do they contribute to the wellbeing of your family? Or are you finding that they have not been helpful? Deconstructing the past is an important step towards understanding the present, and provides the answers for changing the future.
‘My daughter Amy, from my last marriage, is twelve, and we have a six-year-old. Alex and I so nearly broke up, and I can’t tell you how much that would have hurt both the children. It took me right to the edge before I discovered that I was playing out my own insecurities I experienced as a child, both in my first marriage, and again now. My dad left me when I was seven, and I think I began to push Amy’s dad away when she started school. I know it sounds horrific, and I don’t know how to even begin to forgive myself. Look; he was an alcoholic, like my dad, but I didn’t even try to work it out. I have found myself doing the same thing with Alex, now that our child is six. Can you believe it! Anyway, it took a man like Alex, who loves me, to notice that I was pushing him away for no reason, and things are so much better now. I know now that I need to deal with myself and not make it everyone else’s problem.’ Gill, 33.
The patterns we repeat from our past can vary from life-changing behaviour, like that of Amy’s mother, above, to how we expect our children to behave, to the way in which we make tea. When we are able to identify that we are holding onto some ways of being that are no longer useful, and that we could perhaps adapt or change things to suit our new circumstances, we create so many new and exciting possibilities. However, it is just as important to acknowledge the long-held helpful and healthy ways of being that we can bring along and repeat in our new family.
‘I have learned so much from my own step-mother about how to fit into the family. I was angry with her for much of the time when I was growing up, but she just kept on loving me. I never thought I would be a step-mother myself one day, but here I am. I know that I have to be very patient. Robyn, step-mother to two children.
Do you have a clearer understanding of how your family of origin has influenced the expectations you now have? Hopefully, your partner has also spent some time examining their understanding of how our family of origin impacts on us in our lives. How different – or similar, for that matter – was your partner’s childhood family life from yours? How does that affect the decisions you make about your present family life? Are you repeating old patterns of behaviour just because ‘that’s the way you do things’, or are you open to devising new, and possibly better, ways of doing things in your family relationships? These are important questions that will shape your ability to achieve a level of serenity in your blended family.
‘Seeing the way [my son] Jacques felt when he came for weekends with my wife and new baby reminded me so much of how I felt as a child. Always the outsider. I find myself being so over-protective with him, and it is taking a lot of effort to understand that it will take time for him to adjust and begin to fit in. My wife says that I baby him more than the baby. I know I need to give him more space to grow up, but it’s not his fault that I left him.’ Alex is recognising how his own childhood is affecting the way he is bringing up his child.
Viewpoints on how to parent are as different as every family is. Unless a way is found to move towards agreement about what is going to work in your blended family, continued conflict and resentment is likely to build. In a later chapter we will look at conflict resolution, and discover how to come together in mutual agreement.
Spending this time looking at the family in which you grew up can bring up difficult and even distressing memories. It is important to discuss them with your partner or another close friend. Find a quiet time away from distractions and interruptions, and share your feelings and thoughts about your family of origin with each other. Take the time to listen to each other, and seek to understand how these experiences may have shaped present behaviours in your family life. If you find you are unable to deal with the feelings and thoughts this process brings, it may be necessary for you to consider seeking professional help. Don’t hesitate to do so. A list of resources is provided at the back of the book.