Research has shown that the biggest cause of failure of step-families is the stress and resentment caused by on-going conflict between the co-parents. In addition, this often results in the children, who have already experienced the separation of their parents, finding themselves having to cope with further trauma and internal conflict because of divided loyalties between the parents.
‘I felt like I was being torn in two. My dad has my step-mother, but my mom has no one. I felt like I had to be her friend, but all she would do is blame dad for everything. I wanted to shout at her and say “STOP! That’s my dad you’re talking about!” So I told her she had to stop, or I would go and live with them all the time.’ Rebecca, aged 13, who was taking too much responsibility for her mother.
‘There were two women in my husband’s bed. His ex-wife never really left. If she wasn’t screaming at him on the phone, she would send him nasty e-mails. She didn’t stop for a minute, and he didn’t seem to be able to get her to back off. I would tell him to just leave it and ignore her, but he never would. I couldn’t take it any more, and my daughter and I left.’ Patty, aged 27, and now a single mother.
‘We could never agree on anything when we were married, so I guess it’s too much to expect that we would agree now on anything with regard to our son. But now I feel like I have to please both my ex-wife and my new wife, my kids and her kids. But I can’t seem to please anyone.’ Stephan, aged 42.
‘Every time my daughter comes home from her weekend with her father she has been bought new clothes, a cell phone or a tablet. It’s like he doesn’t know how else to show his affection for her. It causes problems with my step-children, because they want to know why they don’t get gifts like that, and they resent my daughter for it.’ Briony, full-time step-mother to two daughters.
For every story of pain and anger, there is hopefully a parent who makes the choice to endure it as far as possible, so that the differences of opinion between themselves and the other parent (the co-parent) are kept separate from the child’s daily experience.
They consciously choose to only say positive or neutral things about the co-parent. They make a choice to offer their own, perhaps differing, opinion on choices made or decisions taken by the co-parent, without judgment or resentment. They choose to encourage and support their child’s relationship with the co-parent, as best they can. This is no easy feat, and there is not much available in the way of help or resources to the parents once the ink is dry on the consent papers or separation agreements. How can we expect ex-partners to get on well once separated if they struggled to do so when they were together?
Every adult in the blended family scenario has a story, and no doubt each one solicits sympathy from family and friends in dealing with the difficulties they have ensuring that their child is well cared for. This can become a mantra that is repeated week after week and month after month, with little actually being done to change things. How much time do you spend complaining to your family and friends about the parent of your child?
‘I’m always the one who has to discipline the children and put rules in place. My ex-husband never sticks to what he says, or puts consequences in place when they have misbehaved. He allows them access to whatever they like on TV and computers, and buys them ridiculously expensive gifts. He always phones me when there is a big problem. I suggest to him what to do and he agrees with me, but he never ever follows through.’ Cindy, mother of three children.
‘I have to sit back while her kids get away with things, because she doesn’t want to be rejected by her kids. She is supposedly much stricter than their father, but she ends up being just as lenient as he is. It creates big problems between me and my wife, and my son gets very resentful because her kids are so spoiled. I love my wife, but sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and walk away.’ Tony, father of a son and step-father to two daughters.
‘My husband indulges his kids when they visit us in the holidays. He never says “no” to them. My kids are grown up now, and I know bad parenting when I see it, and I can’t help myself from saying how I feel. I often take out my frustration on the kids, and I don’t have a good relationship with them.’ Celia, who counts the days between holidays.
‘No one understands how difficult it is to raise your children part-time. It is impossible to put things in place when I don’t have the support. My wife has had her kids already, and just criticises me. All my ex-wife does is complain about what a bad father I am, while her husband is made out to be the Dad of the Year, with his perfectly well-brought-up children. I just want my kids to know that I love them, and that I’m doing my best.’ Malcolm, who is literally caught in the middle.
‘My ex-husband has married again and has step-children, but as far as I am concerned he pays all his attention to them and the dramas that his wife has with her ex-husband. My kids never get any attention. It’s always about her kids, and they are spoiled rotten.’ Sandra, age 53.
‘How can anyone expect me to be civil to my ex-husband when he doesn’t even pay the children’s maintenance?’ Jacelyn, mother of three children.
Thrown into this bewildering mix are all the confusing thoughts and feelings that your child no doubt experiences at one time or another.
‘My parents don’t ever agree on anything, and I am too scared to even ask to go on a camp or an outing, because it means that there is going to be a huge argument about who is going to pay.’ Robbie, aged 13.
‘All my mother and my step-father talk about is his kids and how bad his ex-wife is. When they come to stay, all he does is quiz them about her and what she does, and his kids get upset. I think my mom is getting sick of it too.’ Eve, aged 14.
‘I hate when I hear my mom complaining to my step-dad about how bad my dad is. He doesn’t know him!’ Petra, aged 10.
You may relate to some of these stories. What comments would you contribute to this chapter?
What stress or resentment do you experience with regard to your child’s co-parent or to your step-child’s other parent?
What comments might your partner contribute to this chapter?
What stress or resentment does your partner experience with regard to your child’s co-parent?
What comments would your child contribute to this chapter?
What stress or resentment does your child experience with regard to conflict between parents? Might he be experiencing such feelings, but unwilling to tell you?
Are you able to identify around which issues most of the conflict arises?
Conflict usually arises from five areas of interaction:
What is the main source of conflict between you and your child’s co-parent?
Are there any other situations that trigger conflict? Things which, perhaps, were never a problem before?
Can you think of a situation/s in which your child has had to choose sides?
What does your partner say about the conflict between you and your child’s co-parent?
What needs to change?
List the ways of making this happen.
How different would things be if you were to make these changes?
If you are not willing to make the changes, perhaps you might care to consider just what you are holding onto?
If conflict is continuing between you and your child’s co-parent, it may mean that either one or both of you needs to give some attention to unresolved issues between you.
The conflict you are experiencing typically has little to do with your child’s wellbeing, but more about residual resentment that has not been dealt with.
Sometimes we remain stuck in old ways of relating in order to maintain the status quo, so that we can wallow in our anger and resentment. To let go of the anger and the sadness would mean letting go and closure of the relationship with the parent of our child. It would mean letting go of the all the hopes and dreams we had, even before the child was born. Letting go means ensuring healthier ways of relating and taking responsibility for our actions. These are hard challenges that we need to face in order to move away from our old ways of relating, and adopt new and more productive ones, for ourselves and for our children – even under the most challenging of circumstances.
If you find that you are continually initiating conflict with the co-parent of your child, it may be that you have not accepted the end of your relationship and that you may need to consider seeking help in resolving this sense of loss.
The effect of your relationship with your ex-partner on your children can be improved. It may require hard work and patience, and will continue to need attention. However the long-term benefits of establishing a better rapport will have a positive effect on everyone in the extended family.
I can almost hear you, the reader, shouting: ‘That will never work with my ex-partner!’ If that is so, you have a bigger challenge, but not an impossible one. There is no reason why one parent cannot attempt to stick to the above rules, and thus alleviate the stress that is placed on your child. You may not be able to stick to your intentions 100 per cent of the time; however every time you choose to respect your child’s right to parents who do not criticise each other, you are keeping your child’s emotional wellbeing safe.
Begin by choosing not to repeat the blame mantras of the past. Choose, instead, to find even one positive thing to say about the parent of your child; more than one if you can. This does not mean accepting any behaviour on the part of your co-parent that puts your child at any risk. It means finding other, more effective, ways of dealing with the problem.
If possible, make an appointment with your ex-partner (and his/ her partner); preferably with your present partner as well. Sit down in a neutral place and ask them if it will be possible to work together towards better relationships. Make a list of what each person considers to be problem areas, and try to work out a solution. Later in the book, we will explore some ideas around conflict resolution and how to achieve it. Make a commitment together to keep to the agreements you have made, and arrange to meet again in a month’s time. At the top of the list should be an agreement to never discuss disagreements in front of the children, and secondly, never to bad-mouth or criticise the other partners.
So what can you do to make a difference, even when faced with difficult ex-partners who continue to put their own needs first, at the cost of your child’s wellbeing?
You may need to play your part in your child’s wellbeing by adhering to some of the following suggestions:
Divorce and remarriage does not necessarily harm children. Parental conflict does. That was the conclusion of Bray and Kelly’s (1998) longitudinal study of step-families, which tracked mothers, step-fathers and children over a seven-year period. So it appears that it is all the parents, and not the just the step-parents, who make the most difference to the success of blended families.
Dealing with one’s ex-partner is a subject that would easily fill another entire book. If you find that the conflict between the two of you is not being resolved, you should either seek mediation counselling, or at least explore the issue for yourself, using one of the resources listed at the end of this book.