‘A strong, stable step-family is as capable of nurturing healthy development as a nuclear family. It can imbue values, affirm limits and boundaries, and provide a structure in which rules for living a moral and productive life are made, transmitted, tested, rebelled against and ultimately affirmed.’ James H. Bray, Ph.D.
In understanding the dynamics that come into play as a family forms, one cannot avoid the issue of power. The rules and roles that govern your family, as well as the kinds of rights and responsibilities that each member of your family holds, are defined by who holds the power in the family. This power may come from different places.
For example:
Hopefully power resides with both the parents, who then allow the other members of the family to experience and express their individuality and independence in their own, appropriate, ways. However, it is the nature of human beings in situations such as these that, at times, power-plays are inevitable. Sometimes we do not even realise that we are doing it. These power-plays usually rise up as boundaries, are taken down, and set up again as the family blends together. It is helpful at this point to have a look at just what boundaries are.
A boundary is a set of rules that govern a relationship. A successful boundary determines what is okay in the relationship and what is not. (It is important to note that a boundary is not a wall, but a semi-permeable structure: it may be flexible at times, rigid at others.)
The boundary delineates how individuals in the family will relate, and indicates the roles and responsibilities of each individual. When a blended family comes together, old boundaries need to be dismantled and new ones put up. New boundaries can be very complicated, as the family is made up of both your own biological family and your partner’s, plus the two of you as a couple. These relationships all need to be redefined, and all at the same time.
To make it more complicated, the new boundaries need to be both flexible and able to adapt to changing circumstances. Your blended family’s strength lies in its resilience and adaptability.
Recent research (Walsh, 2006) suggests that being able to change the predictable structure, when necessary, is the key to developing resilience in the blended family. Let’s look at some of the dynamic relationships that may be present in your family:
The relationship between you and your partner is one that needs to become sustainable and be a buffer in the face of great challenges. When stressors are placed on relationships, we tend to revert to comfortable old ways of being and to biological ties, and may not find it easy to hold the middle ground. Initially, it may seem impossible to put your relationship with your partner first, but it is essential for the wellbeing of the whole family to work towards ensuring that the children are safely protected under this primary partnership.
Your relationship with your own children will initially hold greater strength or power than that of your relationship with your partner. But over time, and as trust is built, the power will shift towards your relationship with your partner. This creates a sense of security for the children and prevents them from feeling that they are responsible for the wellbeing of the family – ensuring that they do not unconsciously try to tear it apart like the last parental relationship, or by keeping the peace in the fear that the blended family will fail because of them. To make the children feel safe, the power needs to reside in the primary relationship (you and your partner).
While the child needs to feel the strength of the primary relationship, they also need space within the blended family to grow into themselves and discover the power of individuation (knowing who they are as an individual; separate and distinct from others).
Each member of the family needs a physical and an emotional space of their own. This space allows each person in the home to feel that they are valued, and prevents feelings of powerlessness. It is up to you as the parent to ensure that each member of family knows where they fit in, and that they are acknowledged. Children do not always verbalise such feelings, and it is unhealthy to allow a situation such as this to develop and persist unrecognised and unattended to.
This can be particularly difficult if one member of the family does not live in the household for all of the time. The child who moves in and out of the family needs a physical space in the house to call their own; their own bedroom or a special duvet to sleep under.
Alternatively, either you or your partner may have joined the family without children, and may feel like an outsider at first.
‘I feel like a house guest. My wife takes care of her children, and I don’t seem to have any control over anything. I sold my furniture, as she had everything we needed in her house. Now, I don’t even have my own room or my special chair in the sitting room any more.’ This story had a happy ending, as the whole family went out together and bought him a big armchair to sit in.
Entry and exit into and out of the family (for example when step-children go to stay at the other parent’s house) needs to be defined, as sub-systems have to shift dramatically as children move in and out of the house, often weekly. Routine and ritual plays an important part in helping the emotional adjustment that needs to be made. Whether the first task is to unpack bags and turn a bed down and eat the chocolate ‘surprise’ on the pillow, or have a cup of tea, re-entry into the family needs to be acknowledged in a repetitive way for everybody.
The child who spends a lot of time at the other parent’s house may feel like an outsider, and needs to have a specific role in the house, even if it’s simply lighting the candle for dinner.
Boundaries may also shift as the oldest child becomes the youngest for half the week or month, or where an only child now has to share the spotlight with step-siblings. This affects the fragile power dynamics in the family, and requires careful attention.
These fluctuating power-plays can be addressed by establishing clear roles and responsibilities in the family. Additional tools to re-align the boundaries in the family are routine, ritual, celebration and family time together. We’ll discuss more of these blending tools in later chapters.
‘When my kids left home and it was just my husband and his kids, it suddenly felt as though it wasn’t my home any more. It felt like I had no role and no say in anything any more. What helped was noticing how much I had influenced the way things were done in our home – the routines and rules. I just didn’t have to take as much responsibility for it any more! When everyone came home for Christmas, I could see how we were still actually all one family.’ Helena, aged 52.
The role of the step-parent is not a legally sanctioned one. There are no rights or responsibilities accorded to step-parents. Training for this very specialised job is a work in progress, and your role is governed by your individual circumstances. In the end, it has little to do with parenting, and more to do with the effective management of your relationship with your partner, step-child, your partner’s ex-partner (yes!), communication styles, negotiation skills, flexibility – and let’s not forget a good sense of humour!
The younger the child, the more easily you will be able to take on the role of step-parent in the more traditional sense of ‘parent’. The younger child is more likely to accept your love and affection, as well as your direction and suggestion, and gentle engagement on setting rules and boundaries.
However, once a child reaches the age of eight or nine, you are likely to find that a very different approach is needed. Your task is not to parent, although you are no doubt required to participate in the child’s life by taking him or her to school, making sandwiches, supervising their play, taking them on outings, watching them play sport and generally being involved in all the general household activities.
The key unavoidable issue in step-parenting is that of discipline. Time and time again, research has shown that it is not effective for the step-parent to discipline the step-child. Taking responsibility for disciplining your step-child can lead to resentment on all sides. But before we throw discipline out with the proverbial bath water, perhaps we should take a closer look at what the word ‘discipline’ means to us.
Discipline does not necessarily mean providing the consequences of action to your child, nor does it only mean enforcing the rules of the house. There is a broader understanding of discipline, which means it is the provision of a stable and safe environment in which the child learns to co-operate respectfully with the rules governing the environment they are living in. So, to be clear, discipline can mean much more than just punishment and the enforcement of rules.
In fact, within an ideal disciplined environment, punishment would perhaps never be necessary. So, to contradict ourselves, in some ways discipline can play an important role in the step-parent and step-child relationship, although in a very different way to what is perhaps first assumed. For our purposes here, however, the term ‘discipline’ refers to the direct enforcement of the rules of your house and family.
As a step-parent, it is not your responsibility enforce rules, prescribe the consequences of any action, or punish your step-child. However, you have an opportunity to assist in the broader ‘discipline’ of your partner’s child (as does your partner for your child), by helping to provide the disciplined environment in which you all live.
A disciplined environment can become a wonderful and creative arena which allows your child freedom of expression, and an opportunity to develop his or her individuality. It does not have to feel rigid or confining in any way.
When your step-children are in your care and you are acting in loco parentis, you have the same role as any caregiver (nanny, baby sitter, teacher etc.), and a responsibility to ensure the physical safety and wellbeing of the child. You can perhaps see yourself as more of a coach, an aunt or uncle, companion, godparent, or even as a confidante.
However, you do not have the right to physically or emotionally hurt or harm the child in any way. There is a wealth of techniques to ensure co-operation from the step-child in your care without resorting to shouting, threats or punishment. If you find that you need guidance or help in this enormously responsible and challenging task, it is recommended that you attend a parenting programme at your church or local community centre.
The key to achieving this safe world for yourselves and the step-children is to ensure that there are clear rules, roles, rights and responsibilities in the household. Your effective participation in your step-child’s life will need to be co-facilitated by your partner, and even the children themselves, by establishing a set of rules, roles, rights and responsibilities for everyone in the household.
Your step-child will determine the emotional distance between you both. The younger the child and the longer you have lived together as a family, the more relaxed these boundaries may become over time – but don’t keep your fingers crossed!
As the biological parent, it is essential that you step in and discipline your own child, according to the agreed-upon parenting strategies. When this does not happen, the children will be left feeling insecure, and your partner may step in and take over your role. This one area on its own is the cause of the demise of many blended families, and needs to be taken very seriously by the parent(s) if the new family is to have any hope of succeeding.
At times you will feel like a single parent, with all the responsibility and no apparent help. Tell your partner what support you may need to do this job; whether it is encouragement or perhaps gentle reminders (out of earshot of the children, of course) that chores have not yet been done. Both of you are going to need to pull your weight, because if only one partner chooses to discipline their child effectively and the other does not, resentments are going to arise quickly and may be difficult to resolve.
Everyone’s role in the family needs to be as clear-cut as possible, and unambiguously understood by all. It is not fair to assume that your partner will take on the role of mother or father for your child. In fact, it is essential that step-parents do not attempt to take on the role of the other parent of the same gender as themselves (unless, perhaps, your step-child is young and the other parent is deceased).
It is common for step-parents to become resentful when they are expected to perform certain parenting tasks, such as lifting children to school, making sandwiches and ironing school clothes, but are not required to carry out others, such as making decisions or disciplining. The practical parental tasks in the family need to be carefully distributed, so that the step-parent does not have the lion’s share and become overwhelmed, leading to resentment and arguments.
‘Following the advice of our counsellor, one of the first things we did together in our new family was to sit down together and work out a Family Plan (note the capitals, because it’s important). Each person was allowed to make a rule, which everyone in the house had to follow. Tim’s rule was ‘no spinach’! Each person was then given a task, which they promised to perform every day. Then we worked out what would happen if someone did not follow the rule. We would get together every Thursday evening, and everyone would have a chance to say how they were feeling about things. That way I’d get to tell my step-children how I feel about them not doing their chores, without having to discipline them myself. Things are working well.’ Clarice, mother to Tim and step-mom to two older boys, puts us all to shame!
The children have a role and responsibility in the family as well. Take care to ensure that your child finds their place in the family. If the oldest has now become the youngest, give them the treat of staying up later once a week with the others, since the others are all older. Ensure that they each have their own space, even if they have to share a room, and help them to decorate their space in their own individual way. Allow each child to make decisions for the family, such as where to go on an outing or for a meal out.
The returning step-child who has spent some time in the other parent’s home needs to feel welcomed, and re-integrate as quickly as possible. A routine ritual will assist this process. For example, allowing the child to choose what to have for dinner on the day of return. It is not only with treats that the returning child can be helped to blend with the family; chores and responsibilities, although no doubt moaned about, will also promote the feeling of belonging.
Responsibilities can vary depending on the age of the child, but each child can feel valued and develop a sense of belonging as they contribute their valuable part to the family, whether it is by setting the table, emptying the bin or picking up their toys.
‘I notice [it] when my step-mother is trying to help me fit in. When I come for the weekend, she always makes macaroni. Sometimes she takes me shopping by myself, and always asks me to help her make supper. Sometimes she even puts the twins to bed early so that we can all relax and watch a movie with my dad. I like that.’ Thabo, age six.
Is each member of the family aware of their own responsibilities? What are they?
How do you see the role of your child’s step-parent, or your role as a step-parent?
Who does the disciplining in the family? How does your child feel about this?
What are the rules of the house? What happens if someone breaks them?
‘I just wish my husband would follow through on what he says he is going to do. He just threatens his kids, and then lets them get away with it, time after time. My kids know when to take me seriously. You see, it’s my kids and his kids. I thought we were going to be a family together. I am sick of always being the strict one.’ Myra was not able to resolve this issue, and eventually moved out.
‘We have found a way to be honest with each other without the other one becoming defensive. We have learnt to trust that we have each other’s interest at heart. When I think one of his kids is getting away with something they shouldn’t be getting away with, I am able to tell him, without him taking it personally as an attack. When I am being inconsistent with my daughter, I have found that I am able to admit to it when he challenges me. It’s not about criticising each other. It’s more about helping each other to be better parents.’ Wise words from Alvina, mother to a two-year-old daughter, who lives with Alvina’s boyfriend and his sons at weekends.
Remember that, above all, a strong relationship between the parents in the home can provide the solidarity that is necessary to help children who may be feeling like outsiders become integrated into the new, blended family.
Very often, problems develop in blended families not so much because of difficulties in connecting with step-children, or even from step-children not adhering to the rules of the household. (As part of their normal development, all children will, at times, challenge authority in order to develop their own sense of self.) Instead, the problems are often due to either or both of the parents not adhering to their own agreed-upon roles and responsibilities.
It is inevitable that feelings of irritation, frustration and even rage will result from inconsistencies in parenting styles, not only with your child’s co-parent, but also between you and your partner. Despite preparation and agreements on what is okay and what is not, there are bound to be times or areas where your partner fails to live up to your expectations and does not follow the parenting ‘rules’.
‘They would never make their beds, and left their wet towels on the floor. Their lunch sandwiches would be left behind on the kitchen table, and they were always late for their lift to school. My husband always makes excuses for them, saying this is how they are at their mother’s house, and that it’s pointless trying to change things. It was driving me crazy, and it began causing serious problems between us. A friend pointed out to me that I shouldn’t worry about their rooms, and just to close the door. If they are late for school it is their problem, not mine. It wasn’t my job to teach them these things. I found that as soon as I began to let go of what I saw as my responsibility, things began to change. I bought them each a new towel and asked them to take care of it and, guess what, they hung it up! I handed their sandwiches to them at the door, and told them to have a great day. Things are much better now, but I have to keep reminding myself to let things go!’ Armelle, a much happier step-mother.
‘The biggest problem we faced, I think, is that my son would get so angry because I stuck to the rules we set down, but my wife would often let things slide, and so her daughter would get away with things. Although we talked about it together as a family and even my step-daughter agreed that it was not fair, the problem kept coming up. In the end I just kept reminding my son that my rules would be the same whether or not we lived with anyone else, so he’d better just accept it. I also reward him for good behaviour, and he is saving up for a computer. That works well.’ David worked towards the solution instead of staying stuck in the problem.
‘My dad is not as strict as my step-mother, and we often get to do the things we want, but then my step-sister gets very angry with me and I tell her that it’s not my fault that her mom is so strict. Sometimes I wish my dad would be stricter, so that we could all be the same.’ Mel wishes that her parents could see the problem as clearly as she is able to.
Which rules of the house do you struggle to get your child to observe?
What help do you need from your partner to enforce these rules?
A family meeting is an ideal forum for problems to be ironed out. At a regular time each week, ensure all distractions (like TV and cell phones) are switched off. Each member of the family is given a chance to express any problems or irritations they are experiencing in the family. It is important that everyone listens, and does not interrupt. It can be useful to allow the speaker to hold a ‘talking stick’ (any kind of implement will do), which gives the holder the right to speak without interruption. It may also help to ask one person in the family to write down the specific problems; to take ‘minutes’, as it were. When everyone has had a chance to speak, take each problem in turn and try to work out a solution. Later on we will discuss some techniques for conflict-resolution. Make a note of any new agreements or rules, and put them on the fridge. Try to end the meeting with something positive, like a special dessert, or a favourite TV programme. This form of open communication may feel awkward at first, and some members of the family may struggle to voice their feelings, but persevere, and you will find that such a forum becomes an incredibly useful tool in the successful blending of your family.
Hopefully it is becoming clearer what a step-parent’s role should not be. However, that is just the beginning of developing a meaningful relationship with your step-child. Part of your role as step-parent is to initiate this relationship, and there are various strategies you can use to do this. (Shhh! Don’t tell anyone… but this is how to get your stepchild to like you!)
A great deal of research has gone into what can be done to improve the relationship between step-parent and step-child, which of course, in turn, benefits the blending of the family as a whole. In their study of step-family relationships, Ganong and Coleman (2012) identified the intentional strategies that step-parents use in developing close relationships with their step-children in order to get their step-children to feel positive towards them.
These strategies include:
You will know when your step-child is returning the favour and seeking affinity with you when they:
As we have seen, the family is made up of several different types of relationships, which hopefully all work together to form a blended whole. Problems can develop if certain relationships hold too much power or control over the others; however it is important to remember that these strong relationships are inevitable, and it may be important to nurture and care for them.
‘Because my step-son, Jack, is the oldest and is angry with his own father, my wife always makes excuses for him, and my daughter and I have to take a back seat. We are sick of his moods and rudeness, but can’t seem to be able to do anything to change it. My wife keeps on putting him first.’ Richard is battling to manage his expectations around his tense relationship with his teenage step-son.
‘It sometimes feels as if we are two families living in one house. My son and I on one hand, and my wife and her daughter on the other.’ This family is struggling with their expectations of becoming one happy family.
You need to find a way to accommodate all the different relationships within the new family. For example, a parent and child may visit a grandmother, while the step-parent and step-children spend the day at the beach. The boys may go to a ball game. The girls may go on a hike. The parents may go out for an evening while a baby sitter takes care of the kids. Time spent on individual relationships cements them, making the whole family stronger and more resilient.
Which relationships can you see in your blended family?
Which activities will strengthen these relationships?
How can you spend individual time with each member of the family?