Since the beginning of time, groups of people have bonded together through sharing common experiences, mainly by following the same traditions and practising the same rituals. As the culture of the group develops, it is passed on down the generations through these traditions and rituals. Identifying with a culture and tradition gives the members of the group a sense of safety and community.
Within the family, rituals and traditions can form an unconscious part of our experience. Even as adults, many of our daily actions – from the way we wake up in the morning, to how we eat our meals, to the way we say ‘good night’ – are informed by the way we performed these functions as a child. Familiar rhythms and routines create a sense of belonging for every member of the family.
Rituals are specific traditions which have symbolic meanings for the members of the family. They are often developed to mark periods of transition and change. For example, the return of a family member after an absence may be celebrated with a welcome banner and a favourite meal. Birthdays may mean balloons attached to your breakfast chair, and no chores for the week! Even just getting home from school or work may mean sharing a cup of tea or taking the dog for a walk.
Rituals help to communicate the family’s core beliefs and values. They create a self-identity for the family and illustrate how the family is different from others. Experience shows that it is through the carrying out of their own special rituals and traditions that the family organises itself. This is just the same for blending families.
On a psychological level, it is suggested that rituals also provide a sense of containment for the sometimes difficult emotions that can arise during different life events. Doing something specific can ease complicated feelings and give expression to these feelings. Although this seems to be more common at funerals, the same is true for weddings and any celebratory event where tension may develop along the way.
When two families blend together they have little in the way of shared history or shared experiences, but there is an opportunity to develop these through establishing new special memories and ways of doing things. You and your partner will be wise to bring some of your existing traditions into your blended family, while at the same time developing your own new ones. This will help the children to adjust.
Some of the traditions or rituals your family may experience during these particular times and events are:
These examples were shared in a group for blending families:
‘One thing I like about our family now is Christmas. We never had so much fun before at Christmas. We have done the same things for three years now.’
‘Although we have only all been together for two years, we can already talk about what we have done together, like when we went camping last summer. The kids laugh about it, and they’re looking forward to going again this year.’
‘When my mom and dad were married, we never sat down together to have supper or watch TV. My dad was always working. I like it now, living at David’s house. It feels more like living in a family.’
‘We’ve decided to celebrate our wedding anniversary together as a family every year, because it wasn’t just us who got married. The kids did too. We get dressed up, go out for dinner and give each other gifts.’
‘We have tried to keep things as normal as possible for the kids by not changing the way we do things too much, but we’ve also deliberately put new things into the family that we haven’t done before. We each put our own kids to bed at night, for example, but we all sit together beforehand and I read stories to them all.’
What traditions or rituals could you introduce that would help to define your family? A good place to start is around meal-times.
‘During each of my children’s last year of school I taught them to cook by making supper together. When they participated in preparing the meal, they were excused from clearing up after dinner. I’ve continued this tradition with my step-children, and it feels good for all of us.’ Vicky, aged 48.