Second partnerships with children involved in them start off at a major disadvantage. There is only stolen time with which to form the strong attachment necessary to face the multiple challenges that blended families bring. Your energy is already depleted by the demands of your work, children and household responsibilities, and may leave little time for you to nourish your relationship. The boundary around you and your partner is initially under inevitable and constant challenge from the biological sub-systems.
‘For the first six months of our relationship we did not meet with the children. We felt it was too soon for them. When we did, we all got on so well that we decided to move in together after another three months. That was a big mistake. We went from honeymoon to old married couple in a couple of weeks. I struggled to see what I saw in him in the first place. We decided to spend a weekend alone together every month when the kids are with our exes, and have a date night every Friday. Things are going a lot better.’ Hasneem and Riyaad, remarried parents.
The stages of courtship are often truncated by the demands of caring for the extended family, and you may find that you do not have the opportunities to develop your relationship as you would if there were no children involved.
Opportunities for developing romance and intimacy may become few and far between, as you are thrown into the commitment phase of the relationship without establishing a firm foundation.
Noticing your partner, flirting, romancing and creating intimate moments where you share your deepest feelings, dreams and hopes are essential tools in courtship. Finding both time and privacy to explore your sexual relationship may be challenging, and may require planning in advance.
An important aspect of your relationship is your ability to individuate from your partner so that you can attach together as two distinct individuals who fit together comfortably, but who also manage perfectly well apart. Taking time out to pursue your individual hobbies, interests and sports, along with the ones that you already share, somehow needs to be fitted into your regular routine.
The maintenance of your attachment to each other and the renewal of your commitment is challenging, even in first marriages, and may be why your previous relationship ended. Now even more demands are being made on you, and the importance of paying attention to your relationship increases.
One of the most common issues, and the cause of most conflicts between step-parents, is the question of who comes first. This issue is also evident in the interference of ex-partners (co-parents), which is the most common cause of friction. Parents are often left in a position of not knowing who to please and to accommodate. The ex-wife or the present wife? The father of the children, or their step-father?
‘It feels like a tightrope at times. A total balancing act. There is so much stuff to take into account when making a simple decision. My son wants to go and sleep over at a friend’s place. I have to check with both his mother and my girlfriend, who lives with me with her daughter. One of them will have something to say about it. I wish I could just make the decisions without always having to check it out with them first. I know it doesn’t really have anything to do with my girlfriend, but she always says that I don’t consider her first.’ Pierre, living with his girlfriend and her daughter, after his divorce.
‘I feel guilty when I spend time with Damian separately from the time I spend with the children. They get jealous and play up. Riaad struggles to go to sleep, and I think it is because he doesn’t like me to spend time alone with Damian.’ Sharleen juggles her time between her new partner, Damian, and her son, Riaad.
The complicating factors of fitting into each other’s families and friendship circles can leave one or both of you feeling unaccepted, undermining your sense of togetherness. A first child is honoured and supported by society. The rituals and celebration of a new baby bring all kinds of help and acknowledgement. It is one of the lingering societal curiosities of a less enlightened era that new step-parents are, however, often greeted with judgement, suspicion and even derision. This does not make for any easy start to the relationship.
‘His mother is so close to his children’s mother that nothing I do or say seems to be good enough for her. She hardly even acknowledges me. He tells me just to ignore her, but I feel like he is not putting me first.’ Rebecca feels that her husband is not supporting her.
We know that in a partnership it is important to prioritise the relationship first, in order to form a strong and secure base for children to grow up in. However children, by their very nature, need and depend on us to continually put our own needs aside and see to theirs first. As our children grow we let go of that responsibility, as they are then better able to assume the rights and responsibilities that are due to them.
Things can get very complicated when step-children are thrown into the mix, especially when they are at different ages and stages of development, and possibly struggling due to the demise of their parent’s relationship.
Single and divorced parents are likely to have developed a tight bond with their children, as they have clung to each other for support. The introduction of a third party can sometimes be like trying to glue a different leg onto a broken chair.
Feeling ‘included’ or ‘excluded’ is a common theme in blending families. By addressing these feelings and recognising where they play out in the relationships in the blending family, we may be able to see where problems are lurking and work towards addressing any negative feelings which might split the family apart.
We have seen that power imbalance, boundary issues and roles in the family can create feelings of insecurity and prevent attachment.
When do you most feel a sense of being excluded?
At which times do you feel a sense of being included most strongly?
Initially, the original families may compete for dominance within the new, blended family. However, it is crucial that you and your partner hold firm, gradually increase your resilience and direct the patterns of functionality within the family. It is this process that will slowly but surely blend the family together.
‘I sometimes feel that the bond between my wife and her kids is so strong that I will never be a part of it. I often feel like an outsider in my own home.’ Nathan, a new step-father.
‘I am horrified to find that there are times when I am downright jealous of all the attention my husband gives to his daughters. I don’t know how to tell him without sounding childish and spiteful. I hate it when he watches TV and cuddles with his girls on the couch.’ Pria, step-mother to two daughters every other weekend.
The feeling of being threatened is common among step-parents. It is completely understandable to experience feelings of rejection at times when the children are put first. It takes a great deal of emotional maturity to process these feelings and to move towards getting your own needs met without compromising your partner’s relationship with their children.
The biological bond and ‘blood is thicker than water’ attitude between your partner and your step-child is a reality that requires a great deal of acceptance from yourself. The defence system which your partner develops around their child may, at times, seem to exclude you. However, it is important that your step-child experiences this intimacy with their biological parent, and they need the time and space within which to continue to develop this.
An added bonus is that this gives you time to focus on yourself and the other important relationships in your life.
‘Every Saturday, Theo goes to watch his boy play sport, while I meet friends for breakfast. We always meet for up for lunch at home. And Saturday nights are for me and Theo, whether we go out for dinner or just watch a movie together in our room. The kids know that, and respect our space.’ Ruby, married to Theo, and step-father to his boys.
You will find that you have to work extra-hard at ensuring that your relationship develops resilience. This may mean having time alone to be able to work through tensions and differences away from the ears of the children. Standing together as a united front becomes even more important when the divisions in the family have been previously demarcated by relationships with co-parents.
Additionally, your child does not need to be exposed to the inevitable conflict that differences of opinion may bring, as they may feel forced to take sides again. While role-modelling conflict-resolution is an important skill for your child to see role-played, choose issues which are not already charged with emotional intensity.
The most positive way in which to express the importance and priority of your relationship in the face of the children’s demands is to ensure that you do your very best to support each other when your focus needs to move away from each other. So it is not so much about ‘No way! We planned to go to dinner together on Friday night’, but rather ‘I’m really disappointed, because I hoped we were going out together for a change, but perhaps we can go out on Saturday if you need to take Dylan to the school play.’
Which factors prevent you from spending quality time together?
How can you spend more time alone with your partner?
What attributes first attracted you to your partner?
Name one thing that you can do for your partner every day to communicate to them that you care about them.
How do you communicate to your child that your partner is very important to you and a strong priority in your life?
These are examples of commitments that blending family couples have made, and which they have found to make a difference:
‘We made it a rule that we would hold each other and kiss each other good night on the lips every night, no matter what had happened during the day. Both of us had lived in marriages that had failed, and did not want to experience that again. Sometimes we have to remind each other, but it is helping.’
‘We finally decided together that, no matter what, we would never criticise each other in front of any of the children. I can’t say that it has never happened since then, but it has really made a difference to the family that we support each other so much more now. The children have noticed, and they’re happier too. They all hate to see us argue. I think they worry that we will get divorced.’
Your relationship with your partner in a blended family requires the same focus and attention that all committed sexual relationships do. However, the time and demands of managing the complexities of a blended family require you to plan and prioritise your relationship with even more vigour.
Go through the checklist to make sure you are giving your relationship the focus it requires. Are you taking care of your partner by:
Try choosing one of the above at a time, and prioritise the behaviour until it becomes part of your daily routine. You are liable to find that adopting even one of them works, whereas adopting more than one or all of them makes a huge difference in a short space of time.
This couple are relating to each more positively than in their previous relationships: ‘The thing that seemed to work best in our relationship was that whenever one of us was having a hard time – being irritable, struggling with the kids or even just being unreasonable, the other one would always try to be supportive and ask if help was needed. André knows when I am fed up, and he just comes up to me and hugs me and asks me what is going on. We trust each other enough to be honest with each other.’