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“Why are you letting him stay here?” Alex’s voice echoes through the house, and I close my eyes, rolling towards the wall and covering my head with the extra pillow.
After our little spectacle outside, I’d begged off and headed to the guest room. I’d stood in the doorway and my chest squeezed. The last time I’d slept in this location was with Raven, after her father had been caught, and the memories just magnified the nothingness gripping me.
Arguments rage until doors slam, and I lift the pillow only to find Sam’s wet nose in my face.
“You need to go out now?”
She licks my face and I sigh, pulling on a pair of sweats and my zip up sweatshirt. Quietly, I climb down the stairs and open the slider to the back yard. Instead of waiting inside, I cross onto the cold patio stones in my bare feet. The chill grips my heels and I move onto the grass, but that’s no better. I move towards the rock wall and take a seat, leaning against one of the posts while Sam inspects the lawn.
The sliver of a moon sends light dancing off the waves and the calm cadence of the sea keeps me in place, despite the nip in the air. After a few minutes, I know I’m not alone and I turn my head, staring into Grace’s bloodshot eyes a few feet away. I’m surprised Sam didn’t approach her, but then again, she doesn’t have murderous intent in her posture or her mind.
I wave towards the rock wall, silently inviting her to sit with me.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
“Don’t be. You have every right to hate me.”
She let a small laugh out.
“That’s the thing; I can’t seem to dredge up the will to hate you.”
I turn my gaze back out to the sea. “That makes one of us.” I let the soothing sound of the waves come between us. Finally, I sigh and look at her. “What changed from earlier this evening?”
It was her turn to look out at the ocean. “I remembered.”
“You remembered what?”
“I remembered the promise I made to Hannah.”
My throat tightens and I’m almost afraid to ask, but I force myself to. “What promise was that?”
“She said I needed to promise not to be mad, because what you did, you did to save me.”
I chuckle under my breath at my daughter’s innocence. “Grace, I did what I did to get my daughter out alive. I knew it was wrong and I didn’t care.”
“If you didn’t care, why didn’t you give Lucifer what he wanted?”
I chewed on the inside of my lip. Sam trotted up to us and sniffed Grace cautiously, giving me a minute to figure out how to frame the answer.
“Grace, I wasn’t thinking of you or your family. I wasn’t even thinking of Hannah. I was thinking of myself and no one else,” I say in barely a whisper. “I’m not the flawed saint my daughter made me out to be. I’m the demon in the closet.”
She blinks a few times and her expression darkens.
“If I wasn’t so goddamned self-centered, I would never have risked your father’s life or brought him within a hundred miles of Lucifer, despite the consequences.” I offer a shrug and cross my arms. “The truth isn’t pretty, sweetheart.”
Her gaze narrows and her lips thin.
“When did you start to turn tiger?” I ask, trying to distract her building anger.
Her lips rub together for a moment and then she answers me.
“When I started my period.” Her words are clipped and short.
“That must have been a joy.”
My response pulls a bark of a laugh from her. “It sucked, and until today, I had successfully hidden my affliction from Alex.”
I let out a heavy sigh. “It’s not an affliction. It might just save your life someday.”
“I’m a fucking freak.”
“We’re all freaks, if you hadn’t noticed.” I wave towards the house.
“What do you care? I thought you said you were the bad guy?”
I keep quiet and just level a stare that communicates ‘really?’ She shifts in her seat and flips her hair over her shoulder, slamming home a memory of what she was like at five. I can’t help the smile that finds its way to my lips.
“You are about as evil as your damned dog,” she says, her words loaded with teen-age attitude.
“Sam’s a pussy cat.” I reach out and give my dog a pat.
She stares at me for a second and then starts laughing. This time it starts soft but soon it’s the snorting kind of laughter that’s echoing off the surrounding rocks.
“Shhh. You want to wake everyone?” I scold but I find myself smiling.
“You aren’t the badass you pretend to be,” she finally says and gets to her feet. “And at least you own your mistakes. That’s rare, you know.”
“So it seems.”
She takes a couple of steps and pauses. “I still miss Hannah,” she adds without turning.
“So do I.”
I watch her go, and embrace the familiar ache in the center of my chest. I close my eyes and memories of Hannah and Grace running around this back yard roll through my mind. Their laughter still rings in my ears, and I clench my jaw against the burn at the back of my throat.
Sam nudges me.
“You about ready to go inside and catch some sleep?” The slow sweep of her tail answers and I climb to my feet, moving across the back yard at a fast pace on feet numbed by the cold.