We have seen that Israelis like to surround themselves with friends and to move around in groups, and how difficult it is for outsiders to penetrate established circles. This does not, however, mean that Israelis are not open to new friendships; these will exist outside the groups and cater to different needs. Common interests such as sports, hobbies, cultural pursuits, professional and business concerns are all foundations for outside friendships that can prove as enduring and rewarding as those born of common experience. But true friendship to an Israeli is more than simply good company or chemistry. It involves loyalty, investment in time, sometimes inconvenience, and even, in extreme circumstances, personal risk. Both commitment and expectations are high.
Israelis are a warm and hospitable people, proud of their homes and families, who enjoy the role of hosts. Depending on their background, you may be invited to join a family on a Friday night for Shabbat supper; or for another festive occasion; or to meet their friends at a Saturday brunch or barbecue; or for coffee and cake in the late afternoon; or after dinner at night; or you may be invited to a restaurant, pub, or club. Most business entertaining is done outside the home. Israelis love their country and enjoy taking guests around to see the sights and beauty spots.
Invitations home for dinner could be for any time from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. Arrive on time, but don’t be surprised if you are the first guest, as Israelis are not famed for their punctuality. It is customary to bring a small gift for your hosts (see below), and you’ll fit in if you dress in smart casual attire—no ties and suits. It is hard to generalize about what to expect, as there is such diversity in Israel and the hospitality you receive will reflect the customs and traditions of the family. You can expect dinners at the home of Westernized Israelis (both religious and secular) to be similar to what you are accustomed to, with plenty of good food, wine, and conversation.
Israelis are not heavy drinkers, but in most homes you will be offered a drink (usually wine and soft drinks) before dinner, and wine will be served with the meal. Habits are changing and some households do keep spirits and serve predinner cocktails.
Shabbat dinners are usually family affairs, so expect to find children seated at the table and lively conversation. In traditional homes, and many secular homes too, the Shabbat candles will have been lit by the lady of the house at sunset, and the host will recite the traditional Shabbat prayers and blessings before the meal, during which all remain standing.
Table manners are Western style; dishes are passed around, and concern is shown for the guest. In some homes no one will start eating until the guest takes the first bite. So if everyone is served and no one is eating, go ahead and put them out of their misery. Second helpings are offered, the hostess is delighted when these are accepted, and compliments are happily received. When finished, knives and forks are placed neatly side by side on the plate—or otherwise, depending on the upbringing and origin of the guests and family. If there is no household help then it is customary for the guests to help the hosts clear the table.
Once dinner is over, some hosts want their guests to linger until the small hours, and some can’t wait for them to go home. This may sound familiar.
Saturday brunches are jolly affairs, usually lasting from around noon until the last guest leaves. They are very informal, so wear jeans and T-shirts and you’ll feel at home.
If you are invited for coffee and cake in the late afternoon, that is what you will be served; but if invited for coffee and cake after dinner, skip dinner and arrive hungry! You will be offered an array of delicious food long before the coffee and cakes appear, and your hostess will be quite offended if you refuse her hospitality.
Israelis regard generosity as a prime virtue. No Israeli wants to be labeled a kamtzan (a mean or miserly person), and this is strongly reflected in the giving of gifts. In the case of wedding, bar mitzvah, and anniversary presents, there is a tendency to go overboard in equating the size of the gift with the value of the friendship. Every Israeli understands that his gift may be helpful in defraying the expenses of the event, and, in the case of weddings, in helping the young couple to set up their new household. For this reason, cash is often the preferred choice. If invited to a wedding it is best to consult an Israeli friend on how much to give as the amount will depend on one’s closeness to the families involved. Envelopes are often provided at the entrance of the event, and many will even forgo a card.
If you are invited to an Israeli home a modest gift is customary: chocolates, a bottle of wine, fancy soaps, candles, or a specialty item from home will all be appreciated. Flowers are always welcome, and will be doubly appreciated if sent the day before the dinner, saving the hostess the bother of searching for a vase when you arrive.
Unless you know for sure that your hosts do not keep a kosher home, do not risk offending their religious sensibilities by bringing them nonkosher wine or chocolates from abroad. If you know that small children will be present, a little gift (such as sweets or coloring pens) will be warmly received. When you buy a gift—no matter how small and inexpensive—in any store, once you say that it is intended as a present, it will be beautifully wrapped free of charge.
You should not give gifts to your business associates on the first meeting.
Israelis were, and to an extent still are, notorious for their lack of polish. In the egalitarian rough-and-ready pioneer days, and in reaction to the perceived diffidence and timidity of the Diaspora Jew, they dispensed with social niceties and opted for a manly brusqueness. They never allowed themselves to feel like strangers. The legacy of this is that they often treat total strangers with a familiarity usually reserved for members of the family.
No matter where in Israel or with whom, some Israelis never feel like strangers. They feel no compunction about asking someone how much he earns or what he paid for his suit or house. On receiving a reply they may give their opinion: “You earn too little,” or “You paid too much.” This form of behavior is not considered rude, but rather as a positive example of straightforwardness. “Doogri” is the word, and a virtue. They may also not feel the need to apologize when they arrive late. They’ll speak loudly on their cell phones at restaurants or while seated in a crowded café, and let their children run wild. They’ll drive without consideration, weave in and out of lanes, honk indiscriminately, and when parking occupy two spaces instead of one.
Once upon a time these were behavioral norms in Israel. But no longer. Although still straightforward, today most Israelis, particularly the younger generation, are better educated, more courteous and considerate, do not intrude on your eardrums or space, and place a limit on their straightforwardness.
So there is no reason to be apprehensive. Watch your own manners, for example in the home of an Orthodox family: if you are a woman dress modestly, and if you are a man don’t shake hands with your hostess or hug and kiss her good-bye when you take your leave. In a Muslim home don’t show the soles of your feet and don’t use your left hand for eating—even if you are left-handed.
For visitors planning a long stay, it may be helpful to approach an appropriate immigrant association for advice. Associations representing immigrants from more than thirty countries provide members with assistance and care in matters related to employment, housing, health, and special needs. A few of these associations, such as the AACI (the Associations of Americans and Canadians in Israel) and Telfed (the South African Zionist Association), have well-staffed offices, publish bimonthly and quarterly magazines, and are supported by donations from the better-off members of their communities. Others work as volunteers to provide services to members in need.
The AACI offers counseling, advice on money management, investment, will and trust consultation, and advice on US tax planning. They have a number of support groups, including those for parents of physically and mentally challenged children and for single parents. They run workshops for writers, conditioning exercise classes for women, Feldenkrais, dance and movement, and organize question and answer meetings with lawyers, municipal councillors, and experts in other fields.
Telfed provides job counseling, organizes annual social events and get-togethers, and acts as a link between former South Africans living in Israel.
Both the AACI and Telfed, after payment of expenses, distribute their revenues philanthropically. Their income derives from members’ dues, gifts, and subscription fees to their magazines, plus support from the Zionist organizations in their country of origin. Work is mostly carried out by volunteers.
The former British Olim Society (BOS), which provided services to immigrants from the United Kingdom, Ireland, Scandinavia, Australia, and New Zealand, has been incorporated into the UJIA Israel, the United Jewish Israel Appeal, through which help in all aspects of the immigration process is offered.
ESRA is an across-the-board philanthropic immigrant association, whose motto is “volunteering together for the community.” This diverse and dynamic organization has volunteers who provide English-speaking residents with social, educational, and support activities to help their integration process. It also supplies education, development, social, and welfare programs to those with special needs. Its activities range from divorce mediation to running charity shops, book clubs, sewing centers, cinema clubs, hiking clubs, writers’ and poets’ circles, singles clubs for all ages, and many others touching on every aspect of life in Israel. Proceeds of donations, membership fees, and ticket sales to cultural, sporting, and other events, shops and special services, are distributed philanthropically. ESRA publishes a glossy bimonthly magazine.
The International Women’s Club was founded to promote friendship and understanding between the women of the international community (diplomats and expats) and Israeli women through social, cultural, and educational activities. The club is not a fund-raising institution, is not religious, and has no political affiliation. The IWC is a member of the Open Door and the WCI, Welcome Clubs International.
Every new immigrant is entitled to attend an ulpan (intensive Hebrew school) for five hours daily, five days a week, for five months, free of charge. Ethiopian immigrants are granted an extra five months. Schooling takes place in absorption centers, on kibbutzim, or in local community centers.
Also, all the major universities allow non-degree candidates to attend special courses for a fee, some of which are in English. The English-Speaking Friends of the Tel Aviv University Association organizes monthly lectures and annual seminars for its members in English and informs them of other lectures and activities in English on the campus in its monthly newsletter.